A pack of ghosts have whisked away the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. Just another fun fic that came from my mad mind.
Cobra Commander And The Slight Ghost Infestation
"Cobra High Command and Dreadnoks…" Cobra Commander addressed his staff. "I called you here today at this location to discuss a matter of great importance."
"It better be great to drag us all the way to this dump," Zarana looked in disgust at the decrepit castle they were standing in. "Cor blimey this place makes the Dreadnok hideout look like the bloody Trump Tower!"
"Actually this is the reason why I called you here today," Cobra Commander said. "As you know, Cobra is in a slight financial recession."
"We're broke again aren't we?" Destro groaned.
"No, we've already sold a few things on C-Bay, our Cobra sales web site and we've made some financial gains," Cobra Commander told him. "But we need more money. So I am going to put this valuable piece of Cobra owned property up for sale."
"Valuable piece of property?" Zartan scoffed. "Cobra Commander this is a three hundred year old castle in the mountains of Transylvania with half the roof missing and more holes in it than a package of Swiss Cheese!"
"No, it's a historic mansion in a remote location that's a bit of a fixer upper," Cobra Commander told him.
"Twenty year old FEMA trailers filled with toxic mold spores are 'fixer uppers'," Destro grimaced. "This domicile is a dump."
"All right this place is a crap trap waiting to collapse on top of us but we need to sell it to make some cash!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Why don't you just get the twins to write up another one of those fire insurance policies and have us Dreadnoks burn it down like you usually do?" Torch asked.
"Normally I would," Cobra Commander told them. "But the Twins here refused to do so!"
"Cobra Commander not even we can pass off an insurance fraud of this magnitude," Xamot gave him a look.
"Well can't you at least get some of your real estate guys to come down here and try to fool some idiot into buying this place?" Cobra Commander asked.
"We did send some people." Tomax began.
"But they ran back screaming their heads off," Xamot finished.
"Uh let me guess," The Baroness looked upwards. "Some sort of nonsense about ghosts and evil spirits?"
"However did you guess?" The Twins asked. The Baroness pointed upward. "Oh…"
"WWWWHHHHHHHHIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dozens of ethereal bodies zoomed around the ceiling, shrieking and moaning.
"Ghosts!" Mindbender gasped.
"Oh crap!" Cobra Commander swore. "If it isn't one thing it's another."
"This could be a problem," Xamot looked at all the ghosts flying above them.
"We could say there are some previous tenants still occupying the building but not paying rent," Tomax thought.
"REPENT! PAIN! TORMENT!" The ghosts wailed.
"Just what I need," Cobra Commander groaned. "Non paying squatters! It's like the whole universe is conspiring against me or something!"
"I'm impressed Cobra Commander," Destro said. "Usually when you are confronted by the occult you tend to sink into paranoid hysteria. You are actually being calm about this."
"Destro you can not be the head of an insane terrorist organization for over twenty years and not grow a thick skin about certain things," Cobra Commander gave him a look through his cowl. "Besides this is hardly our first encounter with ghosts. I've grown to expect insanity like this."
"You're on some kind of medication aren't you?" Destro sighed.
"I took some blue pills and had half a bottle of scotch on the plane ride over here," Cobra Commander admitted. "I find I can keep a cooler head if I'm slightly bombed."
"Well whatever works," Zartan shrugged.
Suddenly a figure materialized before them. It was a man with a wild black and white hairstyle, a mustache and a strange uniform. "COBRA COMMANDER! THE HOUR OF JUDGEMENT IS AT HAND!"
"See if I was sober I'd be screaming my lungs off right now," Cobra Commander turned to his staff. "Damn it! Why didn't I figure this out years ago?"
"COBRA! YOU SHALL ALL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AND NEGLECT!" The ghost cackled.
"Yeah we've heard that before," Zartan groaned. "Okay so how do we get rid of these stupid ghosts?"
"Excuse me! We're the undead! Not deaf!" The ghost was offended.
"Hey didn't we once have a guy for this kind of stuff?" Torch asked. "A weird looking guy with funny hair and a crystal ball or something?"
"You're going to have to narrow that description down a bit," Zandar rolled his eyes. "You have just described half the people in this room."
"You own a crystal ball too?" Mindbender asked. "I just have a couple in my study as knick knacks. You know, to brighten up the place…"
"I think I prefer it when no one notices me," Zandar groaned. "So I don't have to hear this insane drabble!"
"No, wait a minute, I remember there was someone in Cobra who dabbled in mysticism a while back," Destro remembered. "What was his name again? Oh it's right on the tip of my tongue…"
"Yeah I remember him saying he was the seventh son of a seventh son or something," Buzzer thought. "No wait, isn't that an oldies song?"
"I thought it was an Iron Maiden album?" Torch said.
"It was," Monkeywrench said. "But there was a different song with that title sung by Johnny Rivers. And Peggy Lee."
"Oh yeah I remember that song…" Cobra Commander turned his head. "I always liked the Johnny Rivers version. Actually I think a few other people sang that…"
"WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP ABOUT THAT STUPID SONG?" The Ghost screamed. "I HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT IT WHEN I WAS ALIVE! AAAHHHH!"
"Hey you know this guy looks an awful like that guy," Torch pointed. "You know the one whose name no one remembers? What was it again?"
"Chris something or other," Monkeywrench thought. "Criss Cross?"
"That was a singing duo that wore their pants backward moron," Zarana rolled her eyes. "I want to say Crysta Belle but I know that wasn't right."
"That's because the guy was probably a flake or a major fruit," Ripper said.
"I WAS NOT!" The Ghost snapped.
"He was rather odd wasn't he?" Cobra Commander paid no attention.
"And for this group that's quite an accomplishment," The Baroness agreed. "Was it just Krystal but with a K?"
"No, but I do remember he had some kind of weird shield that he always carried around with him," Destro mused. "Perhaps it was made of crystal?"
"Yeah what was up with that?" Torch asked.
"He called it his hypno-shield. I think," Mindbender said. "Claimed it put his victims into a hypnotic state."
"More like made them throw up because of the gaudy colors," Torch snorted.
"Now that I recall that stupid thing never worked in the first place," Cobra Commander said.
"IT WAS NOT STUPID! IT WAS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM!" The Ghost yelled. "ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?"
"I have it on the tip of my tongue," Cobra Commander thought. "Was it Crystal Shield? Crystal Glass?"
"CRYSTAL BALL! MY NAME WAS CRYSTAL BALL!" The Ghost yelled. "Oh and I thought you lot were annoying when I was alive!"
"Oh yeah now I remember," Mindbender realized. "We hired you back in the late 80's to be an interrogator for Cobra. But you weren't even with us for a year when you disappeared."
"That's because I died! Thanks for noticing!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"You know I wondered what happened to you," Cobra Commander scratched his head.
"I shall tell you the tale of my demise," Crystal Ball said in a melodramatic voice. "A tale of horror and woe!"
"Look I said I wondered," Cobra Commander held up his hand. "I didn't say I cared."
"Just shut up and listen to my origin story!" Crystal Ball snapped. "It 'twas the year Nineteen Eighty Nine. In this very mansion I attempted to contact the great beyond with my own mystical powers…"
"Oh brother," Cobra Commander groaned. "I hate these origin stories."
"I had created a machine. A machine designed to contact and control the spirits of the beyond," Crystal Ball went on dramatically. "A machine designed to harness the very power of the netherworld! With it I could become one of the most powerful…"
"Let's cut to the chase here," Cobra Commander held up his hand. "You tried some kind of whacked out experiment using some weird machine and it backfired big time. And then you ended up dead. Bing bang boom who cares?"
"I AM TRAPPED BETWEEN WORLDS!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"And one of them had to be this one," Cobra Commander said.
"Wait you perished in 1989?" Xamot asked.
"But we remember finally cutting off your paychecks in 1994," Tomax stroked his chin.
"You remember that?" Destro asked.
"We are very detail oriented when it comes to business matters," Xamot folded his arms.
"We remember everything when it comes to money," The Crimson Twins said together.
"So how could you collect a paycheck for five years if you were dead?" Tomax asked.
"Anything you want to say Mindbender?" Crystal Ball folded his ghostly arms.
Everyone looked at Mindbender. "Well…" He gulped. "I noticed he wasn't coming in for a while and I thought why waste a good paycheck? Hey designer lab coats cost a lot more than you think!"
"I can't believe that you fools are still alive and I'm the one that's dead!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I'm serious! I'm stunned that GI Joe hasn't blasted most of you away by now! I mean they are not half as incompetent as you are! How is that possible?"
"Dumb luck," Buzzer shrugged.
"Emphasis on the dumb," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"That is it! It's time to get serious!" Crystal Ball howled. With a screech the ghost streaked towards Cobra Commander and absorbed himself into his body. "HA HA HA! NOW THE POWER OF COBRA IS MINE!"
"That can't be good," Mindbender blinked.
"Now I, Crystal Ball am the new all powerful leader of Cobra! HA HA HA!" Crystal Ball's voice came out of Cobra Commander's body.
"That dang ghost took over the Commander's mind!" Torch was stunned.
"That's not exactly a great accomplishment," The Baroness sighed.
"Hold on a second," Destro held up his hand. "Are you telling us that you have taken over Cobra Commander's body?"
"Yes!" The vengeful spirit laughed. "And there is no way you can hurt me without harming your precious commander! HA HA HA!"
"Really?" Destro said calmly. "So basically what you are saying is that we can not hurt you without hurting Cobra Commander. I just wanted to be clear on that."
"That is the general message yes," The spirit folded the Commander's arms.
"Works for me," Destro smiled and punched Cobra Commander right in the face.
"AAAAHHHHH!" The spirit screamed. "What is wrong with you? You just hit your leader?"
"You are right," Mindbender smiled. "Destro you should not have hit the Commander like that. You should have hit him like this!"
POW!
"ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR MIND?" The ghost yelled.
"I know," Zartan walked up to him. "Your technique is all wrong! You should hit him like this!"
POW! BAM!
"OW!" Crystal Ball screamed.
"Gentlemen if I may," The Baroness made her way through. "While all of your techniques are impressive. I believe there is a more direct and effective way to deal with this. Zarana would you like to assist me on this?"
"But of course, Baroness," Zarana grinned.
"Oh no…" Crystal Ball blinked. "You're not going to do what I think you are going to do are you?"
THUCK! THUCK!
"You did…Mommy…" Crystal Ball whimpered in a very high voice as he collapsed to the ground.
"Oooh, right in the snake basket," Monkeywrench winced.
"Hey we wanna give it a go!" Torch pounded his fist into his open palm.
"Yeah!" Ripper cheered.
"FORGET IT!" Crystal Ball crawled away. "I forgot how much having a physical body hurt!"
"Oh come on now," Tomax grinned.
"The fun is just beginning," Xamot was enjoying this as well.
"GET HIM!" Zarana yelled. Soon all the Cobra staff were beating up Cobra Commander's body.
"OW! OW! OW! COME ON! OW! CAN'T WE TALK THIS OVER?" Crystal Ball screamed in agony. "OW! THIS REALLY HURTS PEOPLE! YEOW! DON'T BITE ME THERE! AAAAHHHHH!"
"Ooh! I nearly forgot something!" Mindbender went to get something from his bag.
"YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK, INSANE MANIACS!" Crystal Ball exited from Cobra Commander's body.
"Yeah well you should have known that when you joined us," The Baroness huffed.
"I have a better idea! How about you all join me in the realm of the undead?" Crystal Ball screamed. All the other ghosts seemed to join him and he glowed with ectoplasmic fire. "SUFFER!"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAP!
"AAAAHHHHH!" Crystal Ball screamed as he and all the ghosts disintegrated with a colorful blast.
"And you people all laughed at me when I made this portable ecto-plasmic blaster cannon last month," Mindbender snorted as he proudly displayed a weird weapon in his hands.
"Considering your original purpose for the device was to blast that hallucination you had of those pink rabbits while you were drunk I believe we had a point then," Destro reminded him.
"Oh right," Mindbender said. "Last time I put scotch and rum in my Pepto Bismol."
"But I do concede the point that this is a handy gadget," Destro added.
"That's all I'm saying," Mindbender shrugged. "I'm glad I packed it for this trip."
"So are we," Monkeywrench agreed.
"Oooohhhh…." Cobra Commander stirred. "What the hell happened to me? My back…My face…My….You get the picture. What happened?"
"You don't remember?" The Baroness asked.
"I remember coming here and saying something about fixing this dump of a palace…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Then it's all kind of fuzzy…"
"It must be a side effect of the possession," The Baroness whispered to Destro.
"I'll handle this," Destro said. "You got drunk Cobra Commander."
"I did?" Cobra Commander slurred. "But I don't remember drinking anything…Oh wait I did."
"That's right," Destro helped him up. "You tripped and fell. A lot."
"Yeah nobody hit you or nothing," Torch said. Zartan hit him on the head. "Ow! I mean no ghosts possessed you or something…OW! Zartan!"
"Torch is also drunk," Zartan said quickly.
"Oh let's get out of here…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Crimson Twins just…get something for this dump. Put it on one of those free stuff pages on the internet and trade it in for a Nintendo Wii or something. Then we can sell the game system or keep it for myself whatever… I need an aspirin…And some more scotch."
"I think this was the best staff meeting we ever had," Mindbender said cheerfully as they left.