Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I also don't own the song "filthy gorgeous", which is by the band Scissor Sisters.
A/N:
When I was first processing this idea I was thinking of only having it be a omake type thing at the end of one of my "Undecided" chapters. But as it evolved and I was writing it out, I realized that it wouldn't work too well with it... plus it ended up being like 1700 words long – too much or an omake. The story is set in Urahara's house, which I've made two stories even though it only seems to have the main floor and the "basement" in the anime/manga.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy! I had a lot of fun writing this.
Bleach
Eavesdropping
Kisuke starts trudging up the stairs to ask Yoruichi what she'd like to eat latter for breakfast. He hopes that she's in her room and hasn't popped out of the house without his knowing. He gets to the top of the staircase and turns the corner to go down the hallway only to stop in his tracks at the strange sight before him.
Yoruichi is standing in the passage with her ear pressed against the bathroom door. She's wearing her usual modest morning wear: a tank top and short shorts. Kisuke can hear water running from within the room, meaning that Soifon is taking a shower. One of his brows lifted in confusion. Yoruichi was facing the other way, so she hadn't seen him, but he could bet that she had heard him coming, what with his loud wooden clogs.
The blond man started moving forward once again, trying to be quiet this time. Once he got close enough to his friend he loudly whispered, "What are you doing?"
The woman jumped slightly, like a surprised kitten. I guess she didn't hear me coming, Kisuke thought.
"O-oh, it's you," Yoruichi said after turning around and realizing it was the owner of the house.
"That's a weird reply... and you still didn't answer my question," he said and then paused for a moment. "Have you resorted to spying on the poor girl?" he said with a smirk.
"Come on, you know she isn't any 'poor girl.' Don't act like she's defenseless. ...And, no, I'm not spying on her."
"Then what are you doing?"
"Shhhhh, just listen," She quietly said before putting her ear next to the door again and motioning for the man to do the same. Kisuke obliged and put his ear against the door, behind which Soifon was taking a shower. If she happens to see me doing this, she's going to kill me. She won't kill her "Yoruichi-sama," but definitely me...
After a few seconds of having his head against the wood door he started to hear some singing coming from the room behind it. He was surprised that he could still hear it coming through the door with the shower running. It was sung in a high soprano type voice, like a disco song from the 70's.
"'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous
'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous
,
You're disgusting
Ooh, and you're nasty
And you can grab me
Ooh, 'cause you're nasty"
Kisuke's jaw dropped open and his eyes widened. Whhaat? Soifon sings in the shower? Yoruichi saw his reaction and laughed quietly while nodding her head.
They listened a little bit more, but it was just the same chorus over and over at that point. Shortly after the singing stopped the shower did the same, which caused the two spies to try and quietly tiptoe down the hallway and to the stairs. Kisuke slipped off his wooden clogs before trying to walk anywhere, knowing that they would give him away.
"What the heck was the song she sang?" Kisuke wondered quietly out-loud, causing dark shoulders to shrug as they walked down the stairs. He was still carrying his footwear in his hands.
Soifon was lathering body soap in her hands, preparing to cleanse her skin with it, in the steamy shower. She had the Scissor Sisters song "Filthy Gorgeous" stuck in her head the whole time, and it wouldn't stay there any longer. So she sang the disco type dance song, making sure to reach all the high notes. About a quarter of the way through the song she heard Yoruichi walking down the hallway, coming from her room and likely heading downstairs.
Does Urahara realize how thin these walls are? Gosh, you can about hear where anyone is in the house, even when behind closed doors.
Yoruichi's footsteps continued to be heard by the captain as they approached the bathroom. Soifon wondered if she should stop singing... Would she be able to hear me? She probably wouldn't notice and keep walking. So the woman continued to wash her body and sing the disco tune.
"'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous..."
She heard the footsteps stop outside the door. Should I stop or continue? Yoruichi has obviously heard me singing... I could just deny it... but she would know. Soifon thought about it for a few seconds as she continued to sing. I can play it up...
"...'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous
.
You're disgusting
Ooh, and you're nasty
And you can grab me
Ooh, 'cause you're nasty"
Soifon internally laughed as she thought who she was singing these lyrics to. She was glad that there was a pause in the song before going to the next section, because she could then hear some whispering outside the bathroom door as she continued on with the song. It sounded like Kisuke had joined her former mentor in listening to her shower serenade. Hmmm, now should I stop? … no, both of them already know now, she thought as she continued singing.
"When you're runnin' from a trick
And you trip on a hit of acid
You gotta work for the man
But your biggest moneymakers' flaccid
You gotta keep your shit together
With your feet on the ground
There ain't no one gonna listen
If you haven't made a sound
You're an acid junkie, college flunky, dirty puppy, daddy bastard."
Soifon was surprised that she could sing the verse without messing up the lyrics, thinking what to do, and noting whether or not Yoruichi and Urahara were still outside the door. She could hear their whispering through most of the verse, but there was quiet for the next chorus.
"'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous
'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous
.
You're disgusting
Ooh, and you're nasty
And you can grab me
Ooh, 'cause you're nasty"
The pale captain finished up her shower while she was singing the rest of the song and stopped the water flow. She could hear some quiet shuffling down the hallway, but surprisingly no clogs slapping. He probably took 'em off, the smart bastard, she thought even though she could hear him.
After drying off, she quickly threw on her back- and sleeve-less Onmitsukido uniform and quickly did her braids with expert precision. A crooked grin appeared on her face as she exited the bathroom and went into the empty hallway.
Yoruichi and Kisuke had been in the kitchen for a few minutes before Soifon came into the room, her hair still damp. Yoruichi, sitting at the table, brought the cup of coffee up to her lips as the woman entered. Kisuke was standing with his back to that particular kitchen entrance as he was cooking something in the frying pan.
The two of them had decided to play it cool for now, perhaps tease her later when they could slip it into a random conversations... leaving her wondering if they had heard her or not and, hopefully, embarrassed. What came next surprised them both.
"So, how was the show?"
"Show?.. What show?" Yoruichi was honestly confused. She hadn't seen any show today, she had hardly even been awake, and she certainly hadn't seen one yesterday or the day before. Kisuke turned around as he realized Soifon had joined them.
"Would you like an encore?" Soifon asked. Not waiting for an answer, or comprehension, she immediately proceeded to sing the chorus of the song in perfect pitch.
"'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous"
The petite woman started to dance, grinding her hips in the air. Kisuke and Yoruichi's jaws fell wide, which only seemed to encourage the dirty dancing.
"'Cause you're filthy
Ooh, and I'm gorgeous"
She went over to Yoruichi and easily moved the chair she was seated upon. Now the purple haired woman had her side to the kitchen counter. Soifon continued to dance, getting closer and closer to the seated woman. As she did so, Yoruichi was leaning as hard as she could against the back of the chair, taken with surprise at the abrupt snap in her protege's behavior. It wasn't long until only the back legs of the chair were still on the wooden floor.
"You're disgusting
Ooh, and you're nasty"
Soifon turned around, so the Goddess of Flash had a rear view, and also a good view of her bare back.
"And you can grab me"
She slapped her own rear-end.
"Ooh, 'cause you're nasty"
During this scene Kisuke had continued to stand unmoving and with his mouth open. Whatever he was cooking in the frying pan was quickly becoming burnt.
Yoruichi's reaction wasn't much different. Her eyes were wide open, letting the whole golden irises be seen. After some of the shock had passed the older woman was finally able to speak again.
"W-who are you?" Yoruichi managed to stutter out, a surprised and confused look still on her face. Her usually prudent protege had moved away a bit after stopping her song and dance.
"I'm Soifon, captain of the Second Division of the Gotei 13, and commander of the Onmitsukido," she said with a mocking smile on her face.
"Well, that kinda sounds like her... except for the smile," Yoruichi whispered behind her hand to Kisuke, knowing that Soifon would still be able to hear her.
"Eh, I think someone switched her during the night and we didn't notice." Kisuke switched from talking to his friend and turned towards the Second Division captain. "Who are you and where did you take the real Soifon?" He raised his voice at her in a sort of joking manner.
"Haha," the usually stern woman laughed before sitting down at the table. An awkward silence pursued as she switched her gaze from Urahara, who was throwing away the contents of the frying pan, to Yoruichi. The woman's golden eyes were mostly looking at the coffee placed before her, only flickering up to look at Soifon a few times.
"Sooooo," Yoruichi said, looking at Soifon, trying to break the silence and think of something to say. "Who sings that song?"
"Scissor Sisters," came Soifon's reply.
At first Yoruichi wasn't sure if that was the name of the band or what, but when Soifon didn't continue she realized that it must be.
"That sounds kinda dirty," she squeaked out, her dark cheeks pinkening slightly.
Xxo0oXx
Another author's note: (mine usually come in twos...)
I was, in fact, singing this song in the shower, though the idea to make it into a story didn't come until dinner. If you've read my in progress, multi-chapter, story "Undecided" then you know why this wouldn't work within it – or really as a omake either. The characters had strayed a bit too much for it to just be an "extra" at the end of the chapter. Anyway, if you've happened to read both of my stories and noticed some similarities between them... that is why... and yes, I am the same writer, so it's not like I'm ripping off of myself... not really anyway. And if you happened to be worried about my mention of "Undecided" becoming songfic-y in the some of the upcoming chapters... well, I can't promise it will be as fun as this, but it should still be good.
I'm a Yorusoi fan myself, so I was kinda sad when there wasn't more... gay stuff. But, the Scissor Sisters are an extremely gay band, so I hope that made up for it. The band actually consists of 3 guys and one girl. Check them out! (I warn you that the music video to "Filthy Gorgeous" really isn't safe for work, school, or home viewing - ...when around most people)
Hope you liked! and please review! - remember, I can't read your mind.
:)
(if anyone thinks this deserves a M rating, let me know! I wasn't sure whether to rate it M or T, and eventually decided to rate it T)