Yet another one-shot following the ever vigilant Justice League of America as they battle the fiercest of all fierce foes...little children and their sheltered minds.
All characters are owned by DC Comics. I don't know if the drugs are owned by the CIA, but they very well might be...
The JLA and the Fight Against Drugs: A PSA
(Paid for by the "Sheltered Family Society for the Preservation of Sheltered Families…..and Society)
"I swear to god I'm going to give the Boy Scout a Kryptonite enema…" grumbled Batman as he glared at the set in front of him. The Man of Steel blabbed on endlessly towards the child in front of him as the camera's rolled, each captured frame showcasing his ostentatious babble and gentle head pats in ready-for-TV quality. Batman secretly hoped that he'd suffer from a sudden muscle tremor and pile-drive little Billy hard into the floor…
Wonder Woman sighed and turned towards the brooding man-child beside her. "Oh suck it up, would you? It's for all the children of the world who look up to us as role models."
"I hate children…they make me jealous. What with their parents and everything…" he mumbled to himself. Wonder Woman rolled her eyes.
"Would it help if I told you that we get a massive tax break for doing this?"
"…yes…"
"Good."
"But I'm not acting happy!" he shouted defiantly. "The sooner these kids realize that happiness is as fake as their stupid prayers, the better their lives will be."
Wonder Woman palmed her forehead. "Not everyone needs to grow up to be maladjusted like you Batman."
"If more people were like me, this world would be a better place."
Diana's head shook back and forth. "If more people were like you, we probably would have just let Darkseid annihilate everyone…" she deadpanned.
"Because I'm awesome like that."
"No, because you frighten even Hades! You know how hard that is to do? His gardener was literally Vlad the Impaler for like, 3 centuries!"
Batman merely scoffed. "You're just jealous of ma Batman-swag."
"Oh my sweet merciful fuck…I mean, merciful Minerva or whatever…"
Superman soared towards the bickering duo, the blinding light of the studio reflecting proudly off his perfect 's' curl of hair. He chuckled heartily.
"Alright Wonder Woman, it's your turn now. Just head over to the green screen…"
"Gladly." she sneered towards the still glowering Batman, a smirk crossing her face. The Man of Steel stepped into the now vacant spot as the Dark Knight growled.
"I hate you."
Superman laughed.
"I hate you with a burning passion."
"Now Batman…" he chuckled lightly, still smiling.
"I wish your rocket ship sped into a black hole."
The Man of Steel lightly patted the brooding detective on his back. "Oh Batman…"
"I'm going to find whatever specks of dust your parents are, clone them, and then have them fight the Kent's to the death and make you watch from a TV made of Jimmy Olsen's skeleton…"
Superman rough grabbed Batman by the shoulders and spun him around. His voice remained jovial; complete with a plastered grin like he just saw Lois Lane's breasts for the first time, as he pressed his face towards the Caped Crusader's cowl.
"Now listen here you little shit, one more word out of you and I'll bitch slap you in the face so hard your mouth will fly off and assassinate the Dictator of Kenya. Got it?"
Batman said nothing as Superman released his grip, his friendly visage chuckling as Wonder Woman trotted to their location. She noticed the pale colouration of Batman's face.
"You alright Batman?" she questioned. Superman's laugh increased in volume.
"Oh my good buddy here is just a little camera shy. Aren't you, pal?" he stated, his eyes turning a discrete shade of red as Batman's forehead began to sweat. Saying nothing, he brushed past the two powered heroes and sulked towards the set. The director looked up from his camera as Batman stopped next to the little form of "Billy".
"Got the script?" he asked.
"I don't need a script, I'm Batman…" he grumbled in response, his gaze directed off into the distance. He silently cursed himself for not packing any smoke pellets or mild explosives.
"Alrighty then." replied the director in a way that made Batman's visible cringe. "Aaaaaaannnnnndddd, action!"
Little Billy held out his hand towards Batman, a fake blunt nestled between his fingers. He stared at him with innocent eyes.
"Hey Batman! Look what I found!" he squealed. Batman just glared at him, the unfeeling whites of his eyes burrowing into the little child's very soul. Billy shifted uneasily.
"D-do…do you want to…" his stuttering was met with only more silence. Wonder Woman's hand connected hard with her forehead in the background while the director began to shake, nervous beads of sweat forming on his brow. Billy could have sworn he sensed the lights getting dimmer, as if Batman's cloak was slowly choking the room in darkness.
"Uhm…aren't y-you going to tell me that…that drugs are bad?" Billy pleaded fearfully. Batman bent forward.
"Why should I?" he growled. "Do you think these little 'life lessons' mean anything kid? We're an arrogant species that's too stubborn to realize we're already extinct, floating around on a rock placed just perfectly enough to allow the kind of insane slime like the Joker to fester day in and out with no cosmic consequences. We murder and mutilate at our own whims because our very biology was programmed to make sure we survived long enough to deposit little shits like you in the safety of an organ that could easily mutate and kill the Mother without a second thought. We live in a universe where selfishness is rewarded despite it being our species ultimate undoing, and we're too stupid to change our ways for the fear that working together somehow diminishes us as an individual, when individuality is the ultimate illusion. We're all the same fleeting thought dancing around in an eternal blackness that at any second could easily engulf us and devour us, and yet we struggle to remain afloat in the putrid waters of existence that we only succeed in pushing others into the gaping maw of infinity, where they await with bony fingers to drag us into hell with them. No, Billy, I'm not going to tell you that drugs are bad, because it doesn't matter. None of it matters. The only thing that has any consequence in this life is that there is a god…and he hates all of us…
The director whimpered. Wonder Woman swore. Superman stared unblinkingly ahead. Friedrich Nietzsche silently clapped in his grave. Billy, meanwhile, remained frozen in front of the Dark Knight.
"…I want my Mommy…"
Batman violently grabbed a hold of the child's lapels as he pulled him closer to his searing face.
"MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! AND SOON, YOURS WILL BE TOO! THEN WHAT BILLY? THEN WHO DO YOU PLAN TO CRY TO? ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE ALONE TO FACE THE DARKNESS? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"
Without a second though, Batman hurled Billy head first into the still whimpering director, the two bodies colliding hard as the camera disintegrated under the weight of the colliding flesh. Batman immediately snapped out of his stupor as he stared at the scene in front of him, a look of shock plastered on his covered face.
"Uh oh…" Wonder Woman muttered…
…
…
…
Gotham City Central Courthouse
"In the case of the People vs Batman, how does the defendant plead?" bellowed the Judge over the ruckus that was the world's busiest (and absolute filthiest) courthouse.
"Your honor…" began Two-Face as he glanced at the orange suit wearing Batman. "My shit head client pleads not guilty."
"Your honor, if I may. Two-Face is a murderous psychopath." the Assistant District Attorney protested. "I…I don't understand how he even has his law licence still!"
"You only get it revoked if you lose money for your rich clients, not for murder Miss Dawes." the Judge lectured as he shifted his gaze to the horribly scarred Defense lawyer. "But I must remind you to use appropriate language in this court Mr Dent."
"Understood your Honor…I just don't plan on listening to you."
"Fair enough…" he murmured. "Now Mr, uh, Batman, you face two counts of assault, one count of gross indecency, and one count of inciting existential terror in our youth. You understand that the penalty for those crimes…"
"Your honor…" interrupted Two-Face. "We move to terminate all charges. Permanently."
"Under what grounds?" questioned the Judge.
"This piece of shit author clearly doesn't know how to end the story…"
"Language Mr Dent, but…I see your point." he glanced up at the preceding paragraphs and shook his head. Turning to the Nolanverse cameo, he narrowed his gaze.
"Do you have a problem with this arrangement, Miss Dawes?"
"Not unless I'm supposed to pad out the word count…" she replied.
"And Batman, do you promise to be more respectful of the tender minds of our children?"
"Absolutely not." came his defiant response.
"I won't argue with a man dressed as a rodent, at least not without the proper backstory and character arc…" he glanced towards the bottom of the computer monitor as the word count approached 1497 words.
"Well then, without further delay, I declare this story over."
As his gavel slammed into the hard wooden stand he sat behind, the author rose from his seat and stared at his numb, swollen finger. Pondering the best method to both smash the cartilage into submission while still plugging his ongoing Justice League story "Reign of Terror", he reached for the bottle of Whiskey and the copy of "Batman RIP" that inspired this fever dream of a fanfic before gracefully completing his final sentence.
FIN.
What's terrifyingly hilarious is that this is still slightly less meta than much of Grant Morrison's work. Not by much...but...
Anyways, I might make a tradition out of doing this whole "one ROT chapter followed by a one-shot" pattern I've got going on here, but since my finger actually does look legitimately broken, we'll have to see about that.
Don't forget to review and do all the other things, and I'll see you next time: same Bat, oh wait I did that joke already...
damn...