Once upon a time there was a hedgehog called Enrique Poop Nuggets. He went to a Russian Hogwarts. I don't remember what it's called but it's kind of better than the regular Hogwarts. When he turned two days old, he ran away from his stupid mother. She was all "oh my god Enrique, take out the god damn trash." In a new joysey accent. He's not even from new joysey. She cray. But he ran away on his baby broomstick and flew away to the Russian Hogwarts. Plot twist, it's not even in Russia. It's in Amsterdam. WHOAAAA.
When Enrique got to Russian Hogwarts, he instantly became the most popular girl in school. Just like the well known series on youtube about Barbies. But it's totally different. Enrique was really perturbed about all of this sudden attention. So he went to the lavatory. To poop. As one does on their first day at Russian Hogwarts. Once he got to the lavatory, Draco Malfoy pooped out from one of the stalls. What the fuck is he doing here? This is Russian Hogwarts. He's already graduated, what a douchebag omg. Once Enrique realized who the beautiful blonde angel was in front of him, he pulled out his baby taser and tased him in the kneecaps. He wasn't going to put up with any shenanigans at this school. He's motherfucking Enrique Poop Nuggets for Christ's sake.
Once he was done pooping, Enrique waddled his way to his first class. Looking at his class schedule, he discovered that he was going in the completely wrong direction. As he turned around, he ran right into a pole. What a dumbass. But he wasn't a dumbass at all! The pole was actually his first class! The class of Occlumency of the Butt. He was beyond excited for this class! He decided to walk into class 15 minutes early, even though he was 15 minutes early. Nothing wrong with being early, right? Isn't the queen always early? Walking into his first class ever was the best moment of his entire life. Even though he was only three days old.
The professor of the Occlumency of the Butt was called Professor Applenips. He was 9 feet tall and weighed 2 pounds. His hair was blonde and wavy and it went all the way to his voluptuous hips. He was 19 years old and was the sexiest hedgehog in the entirety of Mother Russia. The second he walked into the class, his eyes were automatically glued to his new professor's bod. What a heartthrob! Whenever the professor would speak, Enrique would absorb every word he uttered out of his beautiful, beautiful lips.
"Hello, students. My name is Professor Applenips. I will be your professor this year. I will teach you the ways of Occlumency of the Butt. But you will also learn, in a special side class that the headmaster doesn't know about, all about Bear Behavior!" Everyone was silent as the professor pauses for applause. "Don't tell me you don't know about the ancient technique that is Bear Behavior!" Silence again. "Good lord… You children sure are sheltered. Don't worry! I will educate you on all of the objectives of this course. Let's go through the syllabus…"
Enrique was in hog heaven. Or should he say… HEDGEhog heaven. Magically, a drum set and matching drummer poofed out of nowhere and played a magical rimshot. Where the fuck he came from, no one will ever know. As Enrique was leaving his class, Professor Applenips pulled him aside to talk. "Yes, Professor?" Enrique asked with a confused look on his face. "Hey Enrique! I noticed how enthralled you looked throughout my lesson. Are you excited about your first year at Russian Hogwarts?" Asked Professor Applenips. "Oh, moist definitely, Professor Applenips! It's going to be a great year! Everything is going to go perfectly! Bye, Professor!" Enrique said as he waddled out of his first class...