Cutting Kaidan Some Slack
They had just left Horizon, and it had been a doozy of a mission, half the colony had been taken by the Collectors. And Kaidan...
It was obvious to everyone in the shuttle bay that Commander Shepard was Pissed. She placed her weapons in the weapon rack, one by one, with slow deliberate actions. The usual after action chatter was silent as everyone watched to see what the Commander would do.
She knew they were watching. Every eye in the bay was on her, from Garrus and Miranda, who had been on the Ground team, to the shuttle pilot and the technicians working in the bay. That's why she didn't do anything, or say anything. She was Commander Shepard and she would not let her emotions get the best of her. She put her weapons away and turned to the elevator. She headed up to the Captain's Cabin to shower and change prior to debriefing with the Illusive Man. Standing in the elevator, sweaty, dirty and tired from the encounter on Horizon, her mind raced.
Who does he think he is?! I'm the one that DIED. I'm the one that woke up alone in a strange place, to people –well Mechs – trying to kill me. It's not my fault the Alliance ignored everything I said about the Reapers – that they want to pretend this will all go away. I'M doing something about it. What is HE doing? Failing to protect one colony, that's what. They would all be gone now if it wasn't for Me.
She stormed from the elevator into her cabin. Armor pieces began falling to the floor, one at a time:
Arm Guards – this is all bullshit. It's not my fault. He heard I was alive. Why didn't HE contact ME? "Anderson stone-walled me" yeah right.
Shoulder Pads – Anderson contacted me, so did Hackett. I didn't even know where you were.
Chest Piece – But when I heard you were on Horizon, I came. To save YOU.
Boot – What the hell was I supposed to do? It's been 2 years for you. It's only been what - a few weeks since Freedoms Progress? I was just with you: Holding you. Talking to you. Ordering you to get the crew in the escape pods.
Boot 2 – I had to get Joker. Dying. I knew I was dying. All I thought of was you.
Leg – And now you want to know where I was? What I was doing? I'll tell you what I was doing. I was dying. What were You doing?
Leg 2 – Why didn't you make the Alliance listen? You were there, you heard Sovereign, you heard Vigil. Why didn't YOU do something?
Pulling off the rest of her clothing she moved into the shower, turning the water on high and hot, she continued her internal rant.
I know you tried. I spoke with Anderson…No one wants to believe. That's why Anderson didn't ask me to stay, that's why he let me leave. He could have had me detained right there, in Udina's office. But he didn't, because he knows. Like I know. Like you know. The Reapers are coming. Damn Kaidan. I miss you. I want you here with me right now.
She dried and dressed and then door chime went off. What? Had someone been standing there waiting for EDI to tell them it was a good time?
"Enter."
The door slid open and Garrus was standing there, looking a little uncomfortable.
"Um, hello Commander. Mind if I come in?"
"I did say 'Enter'."
Just seeing Garrus made the world seem a little more right.
"What a mess. I didn't expect you to be the messy type Shepard."
"I'm not. Really. Usually." Looking around at the armor spread across the floor, she began picking it up and putting it away properly in the Armor Locker.
"So…"
"Sit down Garrus, you're making me nervous."
He complied, taking a seat on the sofa. "Nice room."
"Thanks." She continued putting away her armor, not saying anything to Garrus. When she was done, she leaned against the fish tank, arms crossed, in her typical fashion and looked at Garrus, who was beginning to look decidedly uncomfortable.
"Did you just come up here to admire the room, or did you want something?"
"Shepard…it's just, you know, you were pretty upset when we left Horizon."
"Yeah, Garrus, I was."
"You seem ok now. I guess I can go…"
"Garrus" she said, stopping him from standing. She moved to the other sofa. "Wait" she said as she sat down.
"Why are you here?" she asked him.
"Just wanted to make sure you were ok."
"No, I mean. Why are you here, working with Cerberus. Helping me on this mission."
"Someone needs to watch your back."
"Really?"
"Shepard...ok. Look. Turians aren't big on words or very good at expressing emotion. We understand Duty and Honor. Live by it, die by it."
"So I've noticed."
"You allowed me to join your crew to go after Saren, and you helped me on Omega."
"Saved your ass."
"Ha, well, hmmm. Shepard, I was prepared to die there. I owe you. And Cerberus can't be trusted. You need people who are watching your back, not protecting Cerberus. But you ARE doing the right thing. Stopping the Collectors, it's important."
"Yeah, it is."
"Kaidan…"
"He doesn't understand."
"I'm not sure I would either, in his position. Plus, there's You."
"What do you mean?"
"He wasn't doing so hot the last time I saw him, Shepard. Your death. It hit us all hard."
"I know Garrus. Why is it that I feel guilty about dying?"
"Because you are a good person, Shepard."
"Thanks, Garrus. I have to go debrief with the Illusive Man."
"You can't trust him."
"I know."
She made her way up from the Shuttle Bay to the Comm Room. Standing alone in the elevator, she thought of what it must have been like for Kaidan. Two years she had been gone. Dead. They must have had a service. Who was there?, she wondered. She had no family; the Alliance had been her family for the last 11 – no, 13 years. Was Kaidan there? Liara? Tali? Wrex? Garrus? He hadn't mentioned it. When the Normandy got attacked, they had already moved on. The elevator opened and she made her way around to the Comm Room to meet with the Illusive Man.
"You risked the lives of my friend, my crew, and that entire colony? Just to lure the Collectors there?"
"A calculated risk. I suspected the Collectors were looking for you, or people connected to you. Now I know for certain."
"Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?"
"None of your damn business."
When the lights came up Jacob was there. Talking about the reality of the mission, and taking care of unfinished business. Making her way back to the elevator it was obvious Kelly had something to say. Best do it now, and get it over with.
"I saw the reports on Horizon, Commander. What you did was amazing. The report mentioned that Kaidan Alenko was there. How did that go?"
Really? I don't want to talk to Kelly about Kaidan. "I'm fine."
Checking her messages and picking up the dossiers the Illusive Man provided, she notices Tali's name right away. Ordering Joker to Haestrom, she headed toward her cabin to rest before they arrive.
Sleep was elusive and she ended up getting out of bed, and moving to her desk to work. She looked at Kaidan's photo, sitting next to her awards, and wished he was here to talk to. The meeting on Horizon had been short and heated. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, so many questions she wanted to ask. She missed seeing him after a mission and getting his thoughts. He didn't always agree with her decisions, sometimes he wondered if he would have made the same choice, had he been in command, but he understood that she had done what she thought was right. She admired that about him, his ability to see different points of view, and to consider the consequences. She needed him to do that now. To understand that she was doing what she thought was right.
She thought back over her discussion with the Illusive Man. She had a team here and now that needed her full attention. The mission was too important. She knew the Illusive Man would sacrifice every one of them as long as he got what he wanted. She still wasn't sure what his endgame was, but SHE wasn't willing to sacrifice even one of them, and would do whatever was necessary to bring them all home. She decided to look over the rest of the dossiers the Illusive Man had provided. She did need the best team, and would make sure it became a reality.
Dragging her attention back to the dossiers in front of her, she read up on the assassin and the justicar.
Haestom had been a nightmare, but Tali was here now. Having someone else she trusted completely made her feel a little better. She had spoken with the crew members. They were starting to feel they needed to wrap up some personal issues before embarking on this mission. It was obvious they weren't sure they were coming back. It was difficult to promise they were all coming home when she knew the reality was probably far different. The Collector's had advanced technology, Reaper technology, and they were taking them on in their own territory. It would be a difficult fight. She sat in her cabin, while they travelled to Omega, and wondered about closure in her own life. She had no parents to track down, no brothers or sisters. No one person that she needed to make peace with, except the one she had fallen in love with. The message terminal blinked and she sighed as she looked to see what other problem needed her attention. The subject line caught her eye right away: "About Horizon…"
Reading the letter, she was glad she was alone in her cabin, as tears fell. Tears for herself, and for Kaidan. The letter was sweet and bitter and she wasn't sure if she was glad she had seen it or if she wished she could send it back where it came from. But she read the letter again. And again. Until she knew every word. Until it didn't hurt to read it.
He was safe, with the Alliance. The Collector's couldn't touch him, and she would make sure they couldn't touch anyone else. More importantly, He knew. He knew she needed to stop the Collectors. And she understood. If their positions were reversed, if he was working for Cerberus, after all the horrible experiments they had seen, after Admiral Kahoku, she just didn't know what she would think. And she didn't want to be in his place – to lose him for two years. She never wanted to lose him. Maybe…if she came back from this…she just didn't know.
"Take care of yourself, Kaidan."