Hey lovelies! Just wanted to let you all know that I haven't abandoned Miracle. I have the next chapter partially written and have some material done later in the story, just dealing with some writers block. I thought maybe providing you with a little oneshot might help!
Information about this particular story: it is rather dark themed, and was originally written during Bell Let's Talk (a mental health initiative in Canada). It has always bothered me how Shay's depression was magically cured on the show once Dawson once again acknowledged her existence. Life just really isn't that simple. I also had a line from earlier in season 2 stuck in my head (I won't spoil it) and I just went with it. Enjoy!
5am. Severide fumbled for his alarm clock and rolled to swing his legs off of the edge of the bed. Rolling his shoulders and brushing a hand through his hair, he tried to shake off the grogginess that always seemed to come before a shift.
He hopped into the shower – a quick spray of cold water usually helped – and dried off continuing with his usual pre-work routine.
On his way down the hallway headed to the stairs he paused for the newest part of his ritual, something that had just started over the last couple months, taking a quick peak into Shay's room to make sure that she was there.
Her bed hadn't been slept in and there was no sign of his best friend anywhere in the room. Any remaining sleepiness clinging to his mind instantly vanished. Hurrying back to his room, he grabbed his phone to check to see if he'd missed anything while he was asleep. There was nothing. No messages, no missed calls. Just the same background picture of Shay being silly and making a face from that time she had stolen his phone. It seemed like an eternity ago.
He sighed and sent her a quick text: We need to talk. Call me when you get a chance.
They had been through this before only a few weeks ago. She had promised to be more considerate and let him know when she was staying out. They promised to stay out of each other's business but that didn't mean he didn't worry. Especially since that fateful call when her patient had commit suicide in front of her. Everyone had seen the change in the girl that had once been the house's firecracker. Everyone was concerned. But Shay continued to pull away and there wasn't much that anyone could do. But Severide would be damned if he didn't try.
He had seen his best friend hit hard before. Both times that Clarice left, when the insemination didn't take, when Andy died, hell he had even put her through a hard time during his pain killer addiction. Through every hardship she had reacted with a kind of frenzy, becoming hyper-productive. She put in the effort to make changes, to get on with her life and to move on.
This was different.
This was a completely different Shay, a side of her that he had never seen before. She had become sullen, withdrawn, almost numb. When she left 51 it had shocked the hell out of him. He hadn't seen it coming and that had thrown him for a couple of weeks. He no longer knew how to approach her or how to make things right. And because of that he had let things go too far.
Evidently things were going to have to change. He couldn't spend his shifts worried about her and obviously she couldn't keep living like this. The next time he saw her they were going to sit down to talk this through. He wasn't letting her out of his sight until she did.
On the main floor Otis was sitting at the counter eating breakfast. He looked up from his bowl of cereal as Severide entered the room.
"Have you heard anything from Shay?" Severide asked, a small part of him hoping that just because Leslie wasn't talking to him, she might have said something to someone else.
Otis shook his head. "Have we heard anything from the police about our stuff?"
Severide rolled his eyes and barely stopped himself from saying something rash. He really didn't care about that right now. "I'll see you at work."
With that he grabbed his keys and his leather jacket and headed out the door. He wasn't hungry. His stomach already felt heavy.
Kelly sat in his office trying to distract himself with paperwork. He had tried calling Shay's cell twice already but had gotten no response. He'd left her a message each time urging her to call him, he just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. They were far enough into shift that the company had already been out on two calls. To have not heard from her in this long was unheard of.
After a short rap on the door Severide turned to find Chief Boden poking his head into the office. "I just received a call from Chief Hatcher. Shay is late for her shift at 25."
Kelly felt like the floor had fallen out from underneath him. "Uh, well you know, she's still getting used to that bus route…" He was lying through his teeth. He had seen that her car wasn't parked outside that morning but basic instinct told him to cover for his friend just like she had for him when his neck was broken.
"I am getting tired of making excuses for her," Boden responded and his voice showed it. The chief had always had a soft spot for Shay, and for his patience to have worn thin showed just how far things had slipped.
Severide nodded. "Copy that chief. I'll call her right now." As soon as the door clicked shut Kelly was reaching for his phone. He had to try inputting the information more than once because his hands were shaking so badly. When the call finally went through he was left listening to the hollow rings once again going unanswered. This time a computerized voice came on announcing that her inbox was full.
Kelly could do nothing but stare at his phone for a few minutes. He tried to convince himself that in all honesty this could be nothing. Shay had been dealing with things hard but for all he knew she could have gone out the night before, drank too much tequila, forgotten her phone and ended up at some hookups place trying to figure out a way home.
Even as he was inventing the scenario in his head he knew that it rang false. Though Shay may have dealt with things in a similar way in the past this was different. If it turned out that he was overreacting about things he was sure that he would laugh about it in the future. But right now he needed to find his best friend and make sure she was okay. Things had been spiraling down faster than he was able to adjust. He felt helpless.
Grabbing his things from his desk he got ready to leave the house. It was time to gather the rest of Squad and start searching. He wasn't coming back until he found her and made things right.
On his way down the hallway he was so absorbed by his thoughts that he literally smacked into Dawson. As she mumbled an apology and tried to skirt around him he paused, grabbing her arm to stop her.
"Hey Dawson, have you heard from Shay? She hasn't shown up to work today and I'm worried," Severide admitted in a hushed tone. He still didn't want to make a big deal out of things in case this really was nothing and he got the whole house worried for no reason.
Dawson scoffed, "I don't hear from Shay. Period." She tried to brush past him once again, the conversation obviously over in her mind.
Kelly stood firm, still locking her arm in his grip and grinding his teeth together trying to hold back his building fury. Eventually he snapped. "What is wrong with you? Shay used to be your best friend. That doesn't change just because of a disagreement on a call."
Dawson rolled her eyes and once again tried to leave but Kelly shook her shoulder in frustration. "Everyone in this house has noticed that Leslie has changed. They've seen her struggling and they've been worried. And then there's you. You're supposed to be the closest person to her in this firehouse if for no other reason than to look out for your subordinate. But you're too busy being wrapped up in your little romance and all your success to notice a goddamn thing." Kelly's voice was starting to rise but he didn't care, couldn't control it. "If you want to float through life while one of your closest friends is being dragged through the gutter then be my guest, but at least pretend you care."
Dawson stared into his eyes as if Severide had just slapped her. They both flinched when Casey slapped a hand down on his shoulder. "Is there a problem here?"
"No," Severide replied shaking him off and giving both of them one last glare before continuing down the hallway to the apparatus bay to gather his men.
He wasn't even able to get a word in before the firehouse bells went off.
"Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61, person in distress, Wabash Avenue Bridge, possible water rescue."
Severide sighed. His search would have to wait until after their next call.
Squad 3 were not the first responders to arrive on scene. As they rolled up they found that Roman and Burgess, two patrolmen that he had met from the 21st district were already taking a statement from a bystander.
As Severide approached he heard the man say "just went over the edge all of a sudden and disappeared in the water." That was all ne needed to turn him around back to the truck and get his men equipped for a rescue in the frigid temperatures.
Just as he was finishing pulling his scuba suit on he felt a hand on his back. He turned to find Gabby standing behind him looking concerned.
He turned away. "I'm kind of busy right now Dawson."
"You said Shay was in trouble," Gabby interrupted. "She comes to this bridge a lot when she needs to think."
Severide turned back and truly saw the look in her eyes. Despite what he said earlier this wasn't an act.
Storming back onto the bridge he grabbed the man talking to the police as the rest of his squad struggled to catch up. He heard Burgess make a sound of indignation but ignored her.
"The person in the water," he demanded, "what did they look like?"
The man stammered in shock, "I –I don't know. It was a girl. Late 20s maybe early 30s? It was hard to tell she was all bundled up."
Severide felt his stomach clench for what felt like the tenth time that day as a fresh rush of adrenaline rushed through his veins. He released the man so quickly that he stumbled.
Kelly turned back to his men. "Capp get that dingy in the water. Now."
His men didn't ask they just got to work. As they rushed down to the riverbank he heard Roman ask the man if the girl had fallen or if she jumped. Kelly just kept moving. He didn't care about the answer.
Floating near the edge of the water his eyes caught on a drenched toque with a large pompom on the top. He didn't know if it was Shay's. He could picture her wearing something similar but he just didn't know. His gut twisted with the uncertainty.
As soon as the boat was under the right area of the bridge Kelly dove in, not even checking for hazards. Whether it was Shay or not, if the person was still in the water they had been under far too long.
He spun around trying to make sense of the murky depths. He thought he saw a gloomy shape a few yards down stream and he hurriedly swan toward it. As he approached he saw dark brown hair swirling with the current and sighed with relief into his mask. He immediately felt sick with himself for doing so. Though this wasn't his friend it was still someone's daughter, a human being that would be missed terribly.
He tried to tug the girl free but found her foot wedged between the rocks of the riverbed. He resurfaced just long enough to ask for a halligan then went back down to wedge the stones apart. His men immediately noticed his change in demeanor but again didn't say anything, instead choosing to remain focused on their jobs. They could deal with their lieutenant's apparent mood swings later when no one's life was on the line.
When Severide resurfaced with the girl it was undeniably apparent that they were involved in a recovery mission not a rescue. Her skin had a pale bluish tinge and her eyes remained open and unblinking. Nevertheless the men hauled her onto the boat and Clarke immediately started chest compressions. They would leave it to the medical professionals to declare the girl deceased.
After handing their charge off to Dawson and a vehemently complaining McCauley, Squad returned to their truck to wait for Severide while he had a quick chat with the chief. All of the men sat quietly, silently daring each other to be the one to bring up their lieutenant's odd behavior.
When Kelly entered the truck slamming the door behind him, Clarke squirmed for a moment before speaking up. "Lieutenant-"
"Shay's missing." Kelly cut him off. He let out a long breath while his coworkers stared at him in stunned silence. "It's only been since yesterday but I have a bad feeling about it. She didn't show up to her shift today and I haven't been able to reach her on her cell. Chief just gave us permission to go out looking as long as we keep our radios on. Any questions?"
Tony turned the key in the ignition and the truck roared to life "Where to?"
Kelly gave him a small grateful smile. "Our apartment."
When Severide got home it was obvious that Shay hadn't been there since he'd left. The guys had stayed in the truck, wanting to give him his privacy, but told him to just give them a shout on the radio if he needed anything.
He immediately started searching for clues as to where she might be. Her 'go bag' was still on the floor by her bed so she had obviously never intended to go to work. Her wallet and cellphone were gone but she had left the small clutch full of supplies that she usually brought with her to the bar behind.
He went to her desk and opened up her laptop, knowing that he probably shouldn't but still hoping against hope that there would be something open that would give him a hint. Maybe a map with directions or a website for some retreat that she had just neglected to tell everyone she was going to.
No such luck.
With a heavy sigh he sat back on her bed. Her journal sat on the nightstand daring him to take a peak. This time he absolutely knew that he shouldn't. It was a huge violation of privacy that he didn't know if Shay could forgive him for. In any other circumstance he wouldn't dream of it, but this was different. As time went on it became more and more apparent to him that something was seriously wrong and he needed to find her.
Hesitantly he picked up the leather bound book and began to flip through the pages. He felt his throat clench at what he saw.
There were no real clues about where she might be, but there was evidence that the Shay he knew was disappearing – and he had been too dense to take it seriously.
Her entries had morphed from being long and rambling, written in big bubbly letters, to sporadic and short, sharing only the barest of details. Over the last month there was no sign of his best friend's relentless optimism or spitfire personality. Even her firehouse transfer had only merited a single sentence. In the last week there were no entries at all.
Placing the book back on the side table he scraped his hand roughly through his hair trying to wrack his brain. Normally he felt so in tune with Shay it was almost eerie. But he didn't know this side of her. He didn't know where she would go or who she would associate with.
But he could still try.
Squad looked everywhere that Severide could possibly think of with no luck. They'd gone to her favorite coffee house, checked around every bar she had ever gone to, even made personal visits to Shay's friends to ask if they had heard anything at all from her. They had found nothing. Not even a hint. Shay hadn't visited any of her regular haunts in weeks.
Three hours ago Severide had made a call in to the chief asking for Squad 3 to be put onto reserve duty. He needed every moment he could spare for his search. He also knew that he would be no use to anyone on a call if he was this distracted. Boden had reluctantly agreed and they hadn't received any calls through the radio since then.
Out of options, the men had resorted to roaming the streets of their neighborhood just hoping that one of them would catch a glimpse of her. When that failed they continued to branch further and further away. Traffic had begun to thin dramatically, and even the crowds on the sidewalks were dispersing. It was odd, especially for this time of day, but Severide couldn't distract himself with trying to figure out why. He was looking fir one thing, and one thing only – a mop of golden blonde hair partially obscuring a pair of soulful blue eyes.
Tony had just finished telling them about catching a glimpse of a blonde girl in an alley that was about the right height when the radio crackled with static.
"Ambulance 61, Squad 3, Truck 81, single vehicle MVA Thunderbird Road near the forest reserve. Please respond."
Severide cursed under his breath before hitting the button on his own radio to reply. "Dispatch, this is Squad 3. Is there any other company that can respond? That's clear across town."
"Negative Squad 3. There's a lot of manpower tied up with the situation at Chicago O'Hare. All other companies are currently busy."
The truck immediately burst into murmurs wondering how they could have missed something that big. Severide ignored them. "Copy that."
Tony flipped the siren on and they were on their way, the girl in the alleyway forgotten.
It was a long drive to the scene of the accident, however it went faster with so little traffic on the roads. After hearing from dispatch, Capp had pulled out his phone to see what the situation at the airport entailed. So far all that they could figure out was that there was a lot of confusion. There were reports of a bomb on an aircraft, a hostage situation in one of the terminals, an infectious disease out break… It was anyone's guess what was actually going on. Apparently the people of Chicago thought it best to stay home until the situation was resolved. Kelly couldn't really blame them.
Though Severide could sense that the guys would rather be in the thick of the action, none of them commented to him. Every call was important. So was finding their friend. Everyone at 51 was family and nobody got left behind.
As they got closer to the scene everyone began slipping back into their protective gear. They had been inactive for so long that each man had taken it off to get comfortable, but now it was time to get their head back in the game. Though they were far away when the call came in, they had still been closer than 51 and would likely be the first responders on the scene.
Thunderbird Road appeared to be clear. There wasn't even any debris on the roadway and whoever had reported the accident had long since left.
Kelly grabbed his radio off his chest but before he called off the rest of the house he asked Tony to take the length of the road slowly one more time to make sure that they hadn't missed anything.
About halfway back, muddy tire tracks leaving the edge of the roadway caught Kelly's eye. He signaled Tony to go even slower. Severide had to lean in to the window to see what was at the bottom of the embankment from this side of the road, but what he saw took his breath away.
"No." he mumbled under his breath, what he was seeing refusing to compute in his mind.
Nobody else in the truck had reacted. They didn't recognize her car. Why would they? She always rode to the firehouse with him. To them this was just another silver Volvo, the roof crumpled in after it had obviously rolled at least once after leaving the road.
"Stop the truck," he commanded. Before Tony could even comply, Severide was out the door. He could hear Clarke shout after him, but he didn't look back.
Without even pausing to think, he found himself running down the side of the steep embankment, then sliding when his feet couldn't catch up with him.
A million questions were racing through his mind. What the hell was she doing all the way out here? Why were there no skid marks on the road? Had she done this on purpose? Was she even alive?
The car had landed right side up, but had slammed into a tree before it finally came to a stop. The driver side had taken the brunt of the impact, curving around the trunk of a huge red oak.
As he got closer he noticed a dent in the windshield, cracks spider webbing out from it in every direction. He tried not to notice the red staining the center of that dent.
The car had been down there long enough that an opaque frost had accumulated on all of the windows. He couldn't see what awaited him inside. The entire frame of the car was bent in one way or another, there was no way he was going to be able to just pull open a door to check on his best friend's well being. Climbing onto the puckered hood of the car he ripped off his gloves and began pawing at the glass, using his own body heat to melt away the ice. The rough edges of the cracks caught on his skin but he didn't even feel it. His body felt numb.
Once he'd cleared about a foot of glass he peered inside. It was dark in the vehicle so it was hard to see anything clearly, but he would recognize that blonde ponytail anywhere.
Punching the hood underneath his feet he turned to find the rest of his squad standing there staring at him and obviously judging him for his unprofessional and erratic behavior. They knew that their lieutenant was under a lot of stress but they had never seen him act like this before.
"What are you waiting for?!" he shouted at them. When they still hesitated, he relented. "It's Shay," he informed them, his voice cracking.
Four faces instantly drained of color, but at least the words caused them to spring into action.
The rest of Squad had shown more restraint coming down the hill than their lieutenant, actually pausing to grab their equipment before heading down themselves. Capp handed Severide an axe and he nodded at the other man in thanks. Immediately he began cutting into the glass at the top of the windshield and pulling it outward, away from his friend's face. "Clarke, go in through the back window. I think she hit her head on the windshield in the accident. I need you to stabilize her neck. Check her vitals while you're at it. Tony, Capp, and Mills grab the Jaws and start working on getting that passenger door open." Everyone nodded and immediately got to work. By the time he was finished giving orders, Kelly had already cleared most of the front glass and was able to get a better view to assess what was going on inside.
Shay's head hung forward limply, eyes closed. Blood seeped down from a deep gash just below her hairline but had long since dried, or maybe frozen, to her face. Her skin was deathly pale and her lips had an unnatural blue tint to them. Her body was being held upright by her seatbelt. It would have to be removed when the time came but for now it was helping to keep her in place which was good. She had no major fractures or deadly bleeds that Severide could see, however most of her body remained hidden behind the collapsed dashboard and the crumpled steering column, so his observation didn't mean much.
It killed him not to be able to touch her or call out to her, but he couldn't risk startling her awake until her neck was stable. Just as he was thinking that, Clarke managed to crawl in from the back, wedging himself in beneath the partially collapsed roof. He had removed his gloves as well and was strategically placing his hands to give her neck the greatest support possible, but also be able to monitor her other vitals.
"She has a pulse," He told his lieutenant, meeting his eyes soberly. "But it's really slow, and her skin is way too cold. I'm thinking hypothermia."
Kelly was caught between sighing with relief and cursing with dread. Instead he just nodded. He hopped off of the car to retrieve an emergency blanket then came back and began to stuff it into the car around his friend as best he could. When he was finished. He maneuvered himself so that he was laying on his stomach on the hood of the car then reached in and fished out her right hand, cradling it between both of his and bringing it to his lips. Clarke was right - her skin was freezing.
He could hear Clarke whispering reassurances into her ear. Something about how it wasn't her time and she still had lots of sand left. Severide was about to ask him what he meant but was cut off by the harsh squeal of the spreader prying the passenger side door open.
When the gap was wide enough for him to fit, Capp crammed himself into the passenger seat to take stock of the best way to get their friend out. He began to dig around under the steering column but shook his head.
"It's no good Lieu, her left leg is completely pinned. There's no way I'd be able to pry it out from this angle."
Severide cursed again under his breath. They would have to go about this the hard way. "Go grab the sawzall. We're taking off the roof."
"Yes sir."
By now they could hear sirens approaching as the rest of the house caught up with them. Mills handed him a spare turnout jacket to place over Shay's and Clarke's heads to protect them from any debris as they broke out the rest of the windows and to save them from the sparks that would start flying as soon as Capp came back with the saw.
Kelly felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to find Chief Boden standing behind him with a stern look on his face. Capp must have warned him who the victim was up on the road. "Kelly step away, you're too close to this." Boden warned him, his tone leaving no room for argument.
Severide was never one to follow authority without question. "All do respect chief but everyone in this goddamn house is too close to this. So unless you want us all to back off until another company becomes available, and who the hell knows when that's going to be, I suggest that you back off."
He could see the chief grinding his teeth but eventually he backed away as asked. Capp chose that exact moment to start cutting through the metal support near his face. Kelly had to turn his head the other way to protect his face and he took the opportunity to take in the rest of the scene around him. Mouch was –probably wisely- holding McCauley back from the action so that his melancholy remarks were not audible to anyone else. Gabby stood frozen a few feet away, tears silently dripping down her cheeks. Cruz and Otis were checking the structural integrity of the tree to make sure that it wouldn't come crashing down on their heads (a thought that had completely slipped Kelly's mind) and Herrmann and Casey had immediately jumped in to help squad.
"I need a C-collar!" Clarke hollered from his spot under the protective jacket. That seemed to snap Gabby out of her reverie and she immediately began to dig through the jump bag that she had dropped at her feet.
"What do you think caused the accident? There weren't any brake marks or signs of another vehicle on the road" Otis mused, being his usual oblivious self.
Clarke lifted his head and gave Severide a knowing look that sent chills down his spine. "She must have seen an animal and swerved to avoid it. Misjudged how close she was to the edge of the road." Kelly murmured. He was completely disconcerted by Jeff's piercing gaze but he refused to look away as he said it.
"Shay always did love animals," Herrmann added with just a hint of skepticism in his voice. That was enough for the rest of them. They simply nodded and got back to their individual tasks.
The men finished detaching the roof and quickly but carefully removed it to the side of the vehicle. Gabby immediately started securing the c-collar over Jeff's hands so that he could slide his out and start helping everyone else.
"Do you have warm fluids to give her? We have no idea how long she's been out here." Severide asked Dawson, still lying on the car holding tight to his best friend's hand.
"In the back of the ambo. I'll get a line in as soon as we get her out." Gabby assured him, pausing to give his shoulder a quick squeeze.
Severide now had to get out of the way in order for them to get the hydraulic spreader into place. He felt Casey's presence at his side. "We've got her man. She'll get through this."
And they did. Within minutes Shay was being transferred onto a spine board. Her leg scraped the dash horribly on the way out, hard enough that normally anyone would wake up. Shay's eyelashes didn't even flutter.
Severide watched numbly as both truck and squad gathered on either side of the stretcher to haul his best friend up the steep embankment to the awaiting ambo. His gut twisted at how closely they resembled pallbearers at a funeral.
Kelly was snapped out of his reverie by a firm hand on his shoulder. Clarke was standing there, his gaze every bit as intense as it had been in the car. "She needs professional help man."
Kelly wanted to scream at him that he knew. That he knew how badly he had screwed up, how he had missed all the signs or just ignored them, wishing they would go away. He wanted to promise the man standing in front of him that he would fix this, that he wouldn't leave her side until she was back to being the old Leslie Shay that they all knew and loved.
Instead Kelly Severide just crumpled to the ground, the adrenaline that he had been running off of all day finally spent. Clarke caught him halfway down and shifted to hide him from prying eyes. It was unnecessary – everyone else had already made it back to the road- but the gesture was still appreciated.
Jeff allowed Kelly to just sob for a moment before hoisting him back up. He knew how it felt. He was just grateful that they hadn't been too late and that his lieutenant was given the second chance that he himself had never had.
When Severide managed to pull himself together a bit, Jeff grasped both of his shoulders firmly, forcing the other man to meet his gaze. "She's still here. But I need you to promise me that you'll never let things get this far again."
Kelly couldn't speak but he managed to nod his head a few times and Clarke acknowledged his response with a shoulder squeeze.
Casey peeked his head over the edge of the road and called down, "Hey Severide, are you gonna ride back in the ambo?"
"Yeah, I'll be up in a minute," he responded. He angrily wiped under his eyes, then took a few deep calming breaths. Jeff gave him a quick nod of approval and the two men made their way back up the hill.
Severide didn't take up his usual post right beside her hospital bed holding her hand. It wasn't that he was mad at her – he could never be mad at his best friend, especially over something like this. If anything he was punishing himself.
He stood like a sentry by the window for three days while she was unconscious. Shay had a moderate to severe concussion, made complicated by her previous moderate traumatic brain injury. The doctors didn't know what kind of impairments she'd have if any. They wouldn't know until she woke up.
Shay's eyes blinked a few times hazily. Severide shifted, but didn't go to her. He needed to get a read on the situation first.
Shay's gaze roamed the room before landing on him. They locked eyes and just stared, both unsure of what to do. They didn't speak- there were no words that could adequately describe to one another what they were feeling.
Finally Shay was forced to look away as she burst into tears.
Severide rushed to her side in an instant, carefully cradling her injured head toward his broad shoulder and just letting her cry it out. A few tears of his own escaped as well, but he hurriedly brushed them away before Shay could see, not wanting to alarm her.
Eventually he felt Leslie start to relax, emotionally spent, and helped her to sag back against the pillows. No sooner had he laid her back than she was trying to push him away. He resisted at first but when the beeping of her heart monitor started to increase in frequency he relented. With a sigh he snaked a foot around the leg of the chair behind him and pulled it closer so that he could sit down.
Leslie tried to roll over on her side so that she could face away from him but the pain from her injuries obviously stopped her as she slumped back with a wince. She eyed the button on the morphine drip but shook her head with a frown. It was probably better to face this head on.
"I…" she faltered. "I didn't mean to do it. At least I don't think I did." Fresh tears began to leak and make lazy tracks down her cheeks.
Severide fished out her hand from where it was partially hidden under the blankets. He threaded his fingers through hers in support but didn't say anything, not wanting to interrupt.
Shay's voice quavered but she continued. "I've been thinking a lot of things lately. Stupid things. But they won't get out of my head. That's what I was doing – just thinking. I don't even know how I got all the way out there. But my thoughts got really… it was bad Kelly." She needed to take a few deep breaths before she could go on. "I-I… it was like I snapped awake all of a sudden but I was going off the edge of the road and I tried to correct but then the world was flipping and I couldn't stop it." By this point she was rambling through her sobs.
"Hey," Severide murmured, pulling her forward so that he could slide into the bed and just hold her. She hadn't actually said the words – it was too hard – but he knew. That knowledge killed him inside but he wouldn't let it show. He needed to be strong for her, now more than ever.
When her bawling subsided into the occasional sniff, he pushed her back gently so that he could see her face. "I'm so sorry," he told her, his earnestness clearly evident in his voice. She gave him a bewildered look. In her mind, the only person who had something to apologize for was herself. "I should have been there for you and I wasn't," Severide continued. Shay began to shake her head but Kelly stopped her. "I haven't been the friend you needed, but that stops right now. You're getting help Shay, and I'll be right there with you every step of the way. It's you and me. Always."
He felt the last of the fight leave her as she sagged into him. Her body shook once again with silent sobs, but these were different. There was a sense of relief behind them – a sense that though she was still trapped in darkness, there was now the hope that things might just turn around.
The two of them stayed there, undisturbed in each other's embrace for what seemed like an eternity, until Kelly finally started to drift off. He hadn't truly slept in days, and for the first time it felt like the adrenaline had subsided enough to let him relax. As his eyelids began to flutter more and more slowly, he almost missed the whispered words that came out of her mouth. He was glad however, that he was sill just coherent enough to make sense of them.
"Thank you."
Well there you have it. To clear up any confusion about the conversation between Severed and Shay at the end, I based it off a conversation that I had with my 'Severide' about a year ago. Shay was having suicidal thoughts, but snapped out of it realizing that she wanted to live. When she 'woke up' however, it was already too late and she had subconsciously driven off of the side of the road. Severide knows her well enough to understand what she was trying to say but that she can't force herself to say the words out loud. He also realizes that this is her asking for help.
If you haven't guessed yet, the line that I had stuck ing my head was"I don't want to wake up wondering if you wrapped your car around a tree"... kind of obvious haha.
If any of you are having dark thoughts or feeling hopeless I strongly encourage you to seek help. Even if you can't bring yourself to see a professional, you will always have friends there willing to help and at the very least be a listening ear that can talk you off a ledge. Life will always be rough but I promise that it does get better :)