I, like so many of you, am devastated by the death of Lexa. I know this is rude but I couldn't help myself. Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
No amount of fantasizing could compare to this moment. You've dreamt of this for endless hours, but everything in your soul told you this would never happen. Every moment until now indicated that what you did at Mount Weather was too big to overcome, too awful for Clarke to forgive. You thought she'd never move past your decision, that she'd never look at you the same. It felt permanent, but it wasn't. You have never lived in dreams, never thought of what could be, not until you met Clarke. Almost from the moment you heard a girl from the sky had defeated your army, you were intrigued. Then she walked into you tent and she had you, you were hers yet neither of you knew. You had no idea that her blue eyes would warm your long cold heart. There was no way to predict how her soft lips would set your soul on fire. How could you know that her strength, compassion, and will would have you forever?
Not since Costia have you felt your heart beat. Then Clarke fell into your life and woke up what has layed asleep within you; something you thought was dead.
The decision at Mount Weather was devastating but necessary, and if offered the same deal one thousand times, you'd take it, but oh how broken Clarke had looked. It killed you, but you moved on like you always do. Only you hadn't because the second a scout told you of the bounty on Wanheda, you felt something crush your soul and knew you'd stop at nothing to save her.
Clarke has been in Polis, in your home, by your side and it has been more than enough. In your quiet, alone time is the only moments you dare allow your heart to have hope. Time after time she'd crush it or you'd extinguish the growing desire yourself, it was better that way, to not have hope.
But today, on the day you are forced to let her go; on the day you have to separate from her yet again, she looks at you with more than hope burning behind those eyes you love so deeply. She looks like she doesn't want to go. She looks like she has forgiven you. She looks like maybe, just maybe, the gravity of her feelings may match your own. She thinks that one day you can be together but you know you won't. You don't have the heart to tell her that just earlier the spirit of the commander warned you of your impending death. You can't look Clarke in the eyes and tell her there isn't a "someday" for you two. It's probably the hardest thing you've ever done but you extend you arm to say goodbye knowing you'll never see her again, not in this life at least.
You want to cry, you're barely holding it together and the second she walks away you'll join the floor and weep for the life you were never afforded. You'll weep because to be The Commander means a life of solitude. You'll weep because no one has ever touched you the way Clarke has. You'll weep because you know how devastated she'll be when she hears about your demise.
But… Clarke does not leave your quarters nor does she let you go. She grabs you, pulls you closer, and covers your lips with hers. This moment is indescribable. It's immeasurable. It's everything you've ever hoped for and nothing you were so bold to dream of, it's better. It's heaven and if this is the last thing you do before you die, then life isn't as cruel as you have always thought.
Crying is a weakness you could never allow, but with Clarke kissing you like you're the only two people on earth, it's getting harder and harder to contain. She pulls away and you find can't contain it. The tear falls and your heart is broken and shattered but whole, and full all in one and it's all because Clarke of the Sky People is looking at you like she loves you as much as you love her.
Kissing Clarke before you die is not as brutal as you would think it could have been. It's serene and loving and sweet and pure passion. You can't describe it, you won't try but you're hurting because you know this will be the last time but she doesn't and you feel like a liar. You're heart is beating so fast, you're crying and she's kissing you breathlessly. You're whole being is shaking with the strength to control yourself but Clarke doesn't just want a sweet goodbye kiss. She begins to undress you and you think you're dreaming until your lips part and you hit the bed.
Feeling like a normal human isn't a common occurrence, normally all you feel is the weight of being Heda, the weight of leading your people. But when Clarke looks at you like you're the sun and the moon and the stars she's lived amongst her whole life you feel weightless. Silently, you ask if she's sure, if she wants this. You wouldn't care if she changed her mind because at least you would die knowing she's forgiven you; loves you.
She is sure, she's more than sure. She lays atop you and you make love with the girl of your dreams. You can barely take your eyes off her. When she closes hers or looks away you ask her to open them, to look at you. This moment is so special, so important, you want to memorize every inch of it. You want to share in her pleasure, you want to see what it looks like when she climaxes. You do. It's otherworldly.
Her body feels like perfection on top of yours. Her hands feel like magic. Her tongue breaks you. When you kiss and taste yourself on her lips you're sure you will die then, but luckily, you don't. How could this be real? How could you have come back form your betrayal of this wonderful girl and be lying in her arms after having just made love with her? It's all too much so you turn away and close your eyes and wish for some way to extend this moment. But she has to go meet Octavia. She has to save her people even though there is nothing that has bound her to them, not like you. She's bound herself and that's why you love her so much.
There's too much talking, too much thinking about the past and all you want is to live here, with a naked Clarke in your bed, talking until it's time for her to leave you forever. Clarke doesn't want to talk, she wants to kiss you and make love for the third time in an hour and you're all to eager to oblige.
The two of you dress in quiet on opposite sides of the bed. It's fine with you, you don't need any words of comfort. You don't need to hear affirmation of her love. You've already seen it, felt it inside you, felt it against your tongue. Once your eyes connect you know there's nothing more to say so you cross the room and kiss her deeply, hoping it conveys what words can't. Her parting smile is bittersweet but you return it and let her go. You walk to your balcony so you can watch over her departure.
Minutes later you hear gun shots, your heart drops to your feet and you're off running in the direction because there's a crash and it's coming from the quarters you've given Clarke, so you run faster.
I'm sorry. I sorry all of you feel betrayed, I'm sorry the fandom is in mouring. Reshop, Heda. You will be sorely missed.