Hurt
Killian gasped in sudden pain, and loosened the rigging that was wrapped too tight around his knuckles. His skin was red and raw, the sting of rope burn a familiar one to the old sailor. He hadn't even realized the rope was moving, much less getting that tight. His thoughts, already in a dark place, sunk even deeper. At least I know I can still feel.
For days, Killian had been numb. Numbed by wind, numbed by frigid sea spray, numbed by loneliness. Numbness allowed him to function, focus on sailing the Jolly Roger. It was a difficult task to do alone, though not impossible. He had learned that when he rescued Emma, returned her memories. Being alone kept him from feeling the full weight of what was done for him, what he had never asked for. What he couldn't believe had happened. He wouldn't have returned if he had known what the cost would be.
But now, he had to give it up. The rations he had gathered when he fled the unacceptable truth had only been enough to last him a few days. He couldn't stay out unless he wished to starve, and the cost of his life was so high he wouldn't throw it away like that. Besides…. I'm a survivor.
He finished tying his ship to the dock just as the sun peaked over the horizon, his timing impeccable as was required of a captain. He meant to slip into town and gather his supplies before he left again.
Of course he would not be so lucky.
He's on Main Street, about to duck into Sneezy's pharmacy for something to wrap his hand in, when he hears her cry, and any pretense at numbness, at apathy, is gone in a blink.
She's still so beautiful, His Emma. Killian's heart fills with warmth when he sees her rushing to him, her face conveying a great many emotions; relief, hurt, sadness, anger. His own joy falls away when he catches sight of that bloody manacle on her wrist. The evidence of her sacrifice. He doesn't move, except to allow his eyes to track the manacle as the hand it's connected to rises up to punch him in the jaw.
Blinding pain is almost a release from his prison of broken thoughts. It is certainly a reminder of… of that place. The Underworld. He was Hades personal play thing, blinding pain a near constant. Killian had told himself he deserved this for what he did to them. He had died a hero, yes, but he had lived a villain. He had committed more sins that he could count; adultery, patricide, thievery, lust, envy, the list was long enough to deserve whatever punishment the devil decided to inflict upon him. When he saw Emma down there, he was convinced she was a pain-induced hallucination. He indulged in it, watching her beautiful golden waves, her fierce green eyes, her perfect arse through his swollen eyes as he fluttered in and out of consciousness. He remembers it all. Their talk of unfinished business. That all parties who ventured into the underworld had to finish their business with someone already there before they could return home. He remembers the group, his rescuers venturing out into the shadow town to find their underworldly counterparts. Mary Margaret and Cora, James and David, on and on. But the whole time, Emma was there, protecting him, healing him.
He wonders if their deal had already been made.
Eventually it was his turn. And he couldn't believe who Emma brought him to. Liam, now younger than Killian, though still taller. He looked as if barely an hour had passed since the last time they laughed and drank together. Killian would be lying if he said that he hadn't considered staying with Liam for just a few minutes. But Liam's unfinished business? He wanted to see his little brother taken care of, with a new family. He needed to see Killian happy and settled down. And he wanted to give Killian their mother's ring. Killian took it, he thought he and Emma were finally free, free from unexpected villians, free from their pasts, free to start that dream future he once plotted out with Henry, free to fill those empty rooms.
At least Liam had gone on before the truth was revealed. At least Killian's heart break was his own.
It was Emma shouting at him that drew him back into the real world. "Where the hell did you think you were doing? Disappearing like that!" Her eyes were filling with tears and her voice was raw. She hit his chest and he grabbed her wrist before she could do it again. "I just got you back you asshole!"
Killian's eyes left her only long enough to register David and Henry standing behind her, considerable distance between them, and Mary Margaret, Belle, and the baby in Granny's courtyard watching. Whenever he contemplated this conversation, he hadn't wanted an audience.
"Not now Swan." He grumbled and tried to plead with his eyes.
"No! Because if you're gonna leave again, you're gonna tell me why! I deserve to know! I paid the price-"
Killian's fury rose in him and he couldn't help himself. "That's the problem Swan!"
She stumbled out of his grasp, shock on her face. How could she be shocked? He never wanted any of this! "I never asked for you to do that! I asked you to let me die as a hero! I wanted you to give me that much dignity, but then I wanted you to move on with your life! I wanted you happy with your parents and your boy and instead you SOLD YOUR SOUL!" The words tore his throat raw as they tumbled out and tears now burnt at his own eyes. Yes, his numbness was much preferable to this torture, which was worse than anything Hades could have inflicted upon him.
"I had to! Killian… I- I need you!" She was the first to lose her battle to the tears, a single drop falling down her pale cheek.
"Aye, and I need you." His heart cracked as he reached out to brush that tear away, and she let herself rest into his hand. He pulled it away, and shook his head. "But I can't bear to look at you, not knowing all that you gave up for me. I don't deserve any of it, love. He could call on your debt any time, force you to do any sort of monstrous thing and that's on my head! It kills me that you had to do that! It kills me that you're trapped because of me."
He meant to walk away at this point. To go back to the safety and numbness of the Roger. But he failed, his feet wouldn't leave her, his knees wouldn't hold him anymore, and he fell to them in front of her. "I'm going to let you down Swan. I'm going to hurt you or get you hurt, and you'll hate me for what you've done for me." His self-loathing burned his throat, and everyone he valued was there to watch him at his lowest. But she was all that mattered. He had failed her. He waited for something. For yelling, for her to leave, for anything to make the aching pain in his gut end.
The last thing he expected was for her arms to wind around him, pressing his head into her stomach. Her hands began to card through his tangled hair, and he couldn't hold himself. The pain he had been shoving deep inside himself, bubbled out and he clung to her, to his Emma and sobbed like a child. He felt the hard ground beneath him fade away and become much softer, a carpet in a room warmed by a fireplace, and then Emma fell to his level and together they held each other and cried.
He hadn't held her since they returned from that place. When they had arrived back in Storybrooke, their Storybrooke that is, he had taken her in his arms and kissed her heartedly. She didn't even tell him to hold back this time, and they only stopped at David's incessant coughing. Such plans he had had, now that they were together and free, only for Emma to gasp in pain as the manacle appeared on her wrist. Hades appeared at her shoulder and chuckled darkly, "Don't forget our deal… your soul for your love…" Killian realized then that it was all a trap. They weren't free, they never would be. And he slipped away to his ship. To his numbness.
He should have been here with her that night. She needed his comfort as much as he needed hers. She had lost her freedom too. "I'm sorry Emma. I'm so sorry." He pleaded as he breathed in her hair. When she pulled away, it was only far enough to look at him, to marvel at him almost.
"Never leave again. You're not allowed to just leave with no warning." Her eyes were deadly serious, and deeply fearful. So Killian acquiesced, nodding as he swore to her. "Never love." He smirked softly as his hand cupped her chin, "But no more bargaining with your soul."
She nodded, and nibbled on her lip, which managed to send a shock through his body. He needed her, now more than ever. He needed to feel her warmth and her softness. He needed to know this was real. But hell if he was going to ask for it now. Not until she wanted him just as much. For now, he would just say what he had never fully gotten around to saying to her before. "I love you Emma Swan."
She beamed again, almost glowing with joy, just like back in Camelot. And she kissed him so profoundly he almost lost any form of control, her hand twisting into his jacket, and her momentum sending them onto the ground. Without pulling away even an iota, Emma murmured "I love you Killian Jones." She kissed him again, and Killian could have sworn his heart was going to burst. His chest felt full of light and warmth and-
Emma jerked up, her weight shifting from his chest to his groin, making him groan. He swore under his breath before he opened his eyes and saw her eyes wide with wonder. Fallen on the floor, its hinges shattered, was Hades manacle. "Love what happened? How did that break?..." Killian couldn't bring himself to suggest that something they had tried a million times it seemed had finally worked.
"I- I think… True loves… kiss?" Emma's eyes were questioning, and Killian had many questions of his own. But right now, all he wanted was one thing. He wanted to kiss her again and again. She was free, he was free, and for this moment in time, somehow the gods had finally seen fit to leave him and Emma alone. So he kissed her, without holding back one thing, and Emma met him equally. They had something to celebrate after all. At long last, True Love.