I think Pam did something to the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Seriously. I'm just screwing around. This takes place very shortly after the events of That Figgis Agency Show.
The Wet And The Wild
"I can't believe you guys got blitzed last night without us," Pam grumbled to Cyril and the other guys in the bull pen. Cheryl was there too watching the guys finish picking up the mess they made the night before.
"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed. "No fair."
"And what were you two doing last night?" Cyril folded his arms. "After you snuck out of work early?"
"Uhhhhh…." Pam paused.
FLASHBACK!
"To sneaking out early!" Pam clinked her shot glass with Cheryl at a bar.
"And to finding a good male strip club!" Cheryl grinned as they downed their shots.
FLASHBACK SOME MORE!
"YEAH! WHOO HOO!" Pam whooped as she and Cheryl danced onstage with some very sexy male strippers wearing a cowboy themed ensemble. "Ride 'em cowboy!"
FLASHBACK EVEN MORE!
"What do you mean you don't have any money?" Pam shouted at Cheryl. Some very angry bouncers and a bartender was glaring at them.
"I mean I don't have my charge card with me," Cheryl snapped.
"Are you telling me we don't have any money to pay our tab?" Pam groaned. She turned to the bartender. "I don't suppose you'd let us strip or bartend to pay it off, will you?"
"No," The Bartender growled. The bouncers cracked their knuckles.
"How about glitter girls?" Pam asked. "No? Didn't think so…"
FLASHBACK AGAIN!
"AAAAAAAHHH!" A bouncer flew down the bar and crashed right into a jukebox.
"RAARRRR!" Pam disheveled and her clothes torn punched out another bouncer. "PAM SMASH!"
"I'm outta here man!" A half-naked male stripper screamed as he ran away.
SMASH!
Cheryl laughed as she broke a bottle over the bartender's head. "This is fun!"
"You should have just let us work it off bitch!" Pam shouted as she knocked out another bouncer. She then did a double take. "CHERYL!"
"What?" Cheryl asked casually as she lit a match.
"Put that down!" Pam snapped as she punched another guy.
"Okay…" Cheryl casually tossed the match into the bar as she walked away.
FOOOM!
"Oh I hope you have insurance," Pam winced as the flames started to grow.
"WHAT INSURANCE?" One of the bouncers shouted. "THE MOB RUNS THIS PLACE! WE DON'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE!"
"Way to blab everything Skinny Mike!" Another bouncer shouted.
"Okay time to bounce!" Pam gulped.
FLASHBACK TO THE END!
Flames engulfed the building across the street. Pam and Cheryl watched the disaster from an alley. "I love girl's night out!" Cheryl giggled. "Maybe some of those hunky firefighters will want to have sex with us later?"
"Maybe you should be fitted with a straightjacket?" Pam snapped as she pulled Cheryl away. "Come on!"
"By the way," Cheryl laughed. "I totally lied! I do have my charge card with me! I could have paid for everything!"
"CHERYL!" Pam shouted.
"Whomp, whomp," Cheryl laughed.
FLASHFORWARD TO THE PRESENT!
"Point taken…" Pam groaned.
"You two got plastered and caused some damage, didn't you?" Ray gave her a look. "And possibly a fire?"
"Maybe?" Cheryl giggled. "Especially the fire. We definitely did that!"
"By the way," Pam coughed. "If the cops call we were here all night."
"Oh, for the love of God," Cyril groaned.
"And you might get a bill in the mail from a place called Bob's Banana Bar," Pam added.
"For crying out…" Cyril groaned.
"It's a strip club," Pam added. "Or at least it was."
"It burned down!" Cheryl grinned.
"Of course, it did!" Cyril threw up his hands.
"The good news is there's a really good chance that strip club might have been illegal," Pam went on. "So the chances of the cops getting involved are slim. But just in case, you might want to be prepare."
"I don't freaking believe it," Cyril groaned.
"There is however a very good chance some thugs will come by with baseball bats to get revenge," Pam went on. "Or guns."
"So basically, this is the incident with the Yakuza, the counterfeit money and the stolen amphetamines all over again?" Ray groaned.
"No," Cheryl nodded. "None of those guys were Asian…Wait one of the strippers was but he didn't look Japanese. I think he was from Vietnam."
"And Ms. Archer and Lana were mad at us for sitting around and smoking a joint?" Cyril snapped. "Seriously? At least while we were here we were trying to do something productive! Instead of you two which was destructive!"
"Yeah!" Krieger nodded. "Smoking a joint is very productive!"
"I'm talking about coming up with ideas to increase revenue for the agency!" Cyril snapped. "Not increase the number of people who want to blow us away!"
"Well we could always…" Pam started to laugh.
"Not blow jobs," Cyril glared at her. "Blow us away as in blow our heads off with very large shotguns!"
"Oh," Pam realized. "Oh no. We don't want that."
Cyril groaned. "Look we need to stop screwing around…Both literally and figuratively…And start thinking about our futures! How we're going to get money into this agency! We can't just sit around and wait for Archer to literally come to his senses!"
"You do have a point," Cheryl said. "I need to start thinking about my future."
Pam looked at her. "Cheryl, you're a billionaire."
"Exactly!" Cheryl said. "I only have like ten…fifteen years of hotness left before I have to resort to paying for it. Then I'd have to settle down and be a freaking patron of the arts and be part of high society. Probably have to have a few stupid kids. Ugh. There's so much pressure. Thank God I'm not a guy. Otherwise I'd have to be married and running a company by now."
"What about Cecil?" Pam asked. "He's not married. Yet."
"Ugh, Cecil has always been a little odd," Cheryl waved.
"Yeah I guess a Tunt giving away almost all his fortune is a little strange," Ray remarked.
"Exactly!" Cheryl said. "I mean it's one thing to lose all your money on whores or gambling or failed expeditions for lost cities of gold. But giving it to the poor? Weirdo!"
"So when you say you need to think about your future…?" Cyril blinked. "You're meaning…?"
"Partying! Duh!" Cheryl snapped. "Plus having awesome kick ass adventures!"
"You mean like becoming a country music star?" Ray asked. "While being part of a cocaine cartel and accidentally getting married to a dictator that got eaten by a tiger?"
Cheryl blinked. "I remember the cocaine thing… And the tiger part does ring a bell. But all that other stuff…Nope. Drawing a blank here."
"Well you were sampling the product pretty hard," Pam said. "Along with me at the time so…"
"That would explain your memory loss," Krieger nodded.
"And of course, eating a lot of glue and groovy bears," Pam added.
"As would that," Krieger added.
"Well if you say so," Cheryl waved. "Sounds like you spent an entire season in a fantasy world."
"Coming from someone who spends her entire life in a fantasy world…" Lana glared at her as she walked in with Mallory.
"Have you idiots finished cleaning up your mess from last night?" Mallory snarled. "You three idiots can't just lie around the office getting stoned out of your tiny little minds! You're like hippies without the commitment of being hippies! You're…drippies! That's what you are! Drippies!"
Ray rolled his eyes. "I suppose we should have been out getting into fights and burning down strip clubs like Pam and Cheryl?"
"WHAT?" Lana and Mallory shouted.
"Okay first of all Tommy Tattletale!" Pam spoke up. "That was all Cheryl! The fire I mean. And technically she did start that fight at the strip club when she wouldn't pay for drinks. Well that and that guy she bit."
"I thought he was into that!" Cheryl snapped.
"Why would you think that?" Pam snapped.
"Hello?" Cheryl gave her a look. "He was dressed like a sexy dentist!"
"Kind of puts our little joint session in perspective, doesn't it?" Cyril asked Lana and Mallory.
"Is this going to be another Yakuza incident?" Lana groaned.
"No!" Cheryl snapped. "Only one guy was Asian. And I completely missed him when I was throwing bottles!"
"Let's just say there may be a visit from either the police or the mob in the future," Ray groaned.
"Wonderful," Lana groaned. "I'll pencil that in on my schedule!"
Mallory grumbled. "I don't even know why I bother coming into work! And I am using that term in the loosest of terms because none of you do any!"
"Speaking of which," Cyril spoke up. "We really should think about what direction we should take our agency next. You know? In case this detective thing doesn't work out. Which honestly looks like it won't."
"Motivating words from the so-called head of the agency," Ray quipped.
"How about becoming repo men?" Pam asked. "Those guys must get some perks, right?"
"Not as much as you'd think," Krieger shrugged. "I know some guys."
"Do not want to know any more than that," Ray groaned.
"How about bounty hunting?" Cyril asked. "I mean I know it's dangerous but it does kind of fit in with our detective business. And the reward money could come in useful around here."
"Have you forgotten that never ended well when we did that in the past?" Lana asked. "When we were spies?"
"Usually because you idiots forgot the get a receipt," Mallory added.
"Why don't we just put that in the Maybe pile for now?" Cyril waved. "What else can we do to make money?"
"We could kidnap somebody and hold them for ransom?" Cheryl suggested.
"How about you?" Mallory snapped.
"Once again," Lana groaned. "We are not kidnapping Cheryl and holding her for ransom! I swear we have this argument at least once a year!"
"Lame," Cheryl blew out a puff of air.
"What she said," Mallory remarked.
"Are you sure you don't have any connections left, Mallory?" Lana asked.
Mallory groaned. "Lana as much as I hate to admit it, that well has run dryer than a defaulted sand store in the Sahara Desert. Not for lack of trying on my part but…"
Cheryl laughed. "Nobody wants anything to do with you!"
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "We need to think of something! It's not like a client is going to walk through the front door anytime soon!"
Everyone stopped and paused. Nothing happened. "Damn it," Mallory grumbled. "I was so sure that would have done it."
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"Why don't you call in one of your infamous bomb threats?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "To some high society event you want to go to?"
"Ever hear of this new thing called caller ID?" Mallory snapped. "Damn technology. Besides there's nowhere I want to go."
"Well I want to go now!" Cheryl pouted. "This is just another stupid pointless meeting where everyone says the same stupid stuff they already know and everyone yells for no reason and IT'S JUST SO STUPID!"
Mallory looked like she was about to say something cutting but then changed her mind. "You're right Carol."
"I am?" Cheryl blinked.
"We've been going over and over this again and again," Mallory looked defeated. "And we're back where we started. Nowhere. We can't even track down who was responsible for us stealing the Long Water disk in the first place. Those bikers had no idea who hired them. They're a dead end. Half the people who started this scheme are literally dead. And so will Veronica Deane be if I ever catch her."
"Yeah what happened to her again?" Cheryl asked. "Are we just pretending she's dead or what?"
"My social life is also dead," Mallory grumbled. "The last party I went to I was shot at by bean bags and held hostage by killer clowns."
"And the sad part is that you were working so…" Krieger added.
"No," Mallory sighed. "The sad part is it was still one of the better parties I've been to in years."
"Yikes," Ray winced.
"Seriously what did happen with Veronica Deane?" Cheryl looked around. "Did she make it to Mexico? Did she die in a shootout with the cops? What happened? Just a clue or something here? Anything?"
Mallory ignored Cheryl. "All those contacts I had…All the people I've known for years…decades. Just cut me dead. Like I don't exist anymore!"
"Speaking of not existing anymore, what about Shapiro?" Cheryl asked. "I mean you gotta figure that one way or another his ass is in danger, too right? Was he able to save himself by throwing Deane under a bus? And I mean either literally or figuratively."
"Socialites, wives of politicians…" Mallory sighed. "Politicians. Lords and ladies. Even the occasional actor! None of them will return my calls! Even Burt Reynolds and we dated!"
"I think the restraining order is still in effect on that last one," Ray remarked.
"I thought out here I could start fresh where barely anyone even knows me," Mallory groaned. "Make new contacts. Start anew. But it's even worse out here than it is in New York. How was I supposed to know Trudy Blabbermouth Beekman has a few relatives in LA society?"
"Hasn't she mentioned that a few times over the years?" Ray asked.
"I'm pretty sure she has at least once," Lana nodded.
"And let's face it," Mallory groaned. "Our past few assignments haven't exactly gotten us the reputation I had hoped for!"
"I guess people get touchy when members of a detective agency get arrested a few times," Pam shrugged. "Not to mention the people they are supposed to protect either die or commit crimes."
"Again crimes!" Cheryl asked. "What happened with Veronica Deane and Shapiro? Seriously asking here."
"And don't get me started on the losers and bitches in my new neighborhood," Mallory grumbled. "And I thought Trudy Beekman was a pain to have on my old apartment's co-opt board! That neighborhood association makes the Reichstag look like an unorganized girl scout troop!"
"I'm guessing the president of the association Mrs. Goldberg didn't appreciate that comment," Cyril sighed.
"No, she did not," Mallory grumbled.
Ray gave her a look. "Gee I wonder why you have such a hard time making friends?"
Mallory ignored Ray and went on. "She has no problem with Mr. Everstone having a mangy mixed breed and some chickens running around his property. But if I want to put in a gazebo, she has a hissy fit!"
"Isn't that a service dog?" Lana asked. "Because Mr. Everstone lost half his sight in World War Two?"
"What about the chickens!" Mallory snapped. "There has to be a clause about livestock in the neighborhood!"
"Probably but since A, those aren't chickens…" Lana sighed. "They're falcons. And B, since Mr. Everstone works at the Bird Conservatory…Which by the way is a pet project of Mrs. Goldberg and half the people in the neighborhood…He has an exception."
"How do you know so much about Ms. Archer's neighborhood?" Pam asked.
"I've had to drop off and pick up AJ a few times, remember?" Lana gave her a look. "I've met a few of the neighbors when they showed up at the house to complain about the latest thing Mallory has done."
"Mrs. Goldstein laughed her fat ass off after seeing Lana and AJ," Mallory grumbled. "Why would she laugh so much when she found out my granddaughter was black? I can't understand it!"
"Really?" Ray raised an eyebrow. "I can."
Mallory glared at Lana. "You had to tell her that you and Sterling weren't married, did you? I've heard hyenas with shorter less annoying laughs! Thought the woman would literally die from lack of oxygen."
"You still haven't told me what you did and said at that block party," Lana gave Mallory a look. "What did you do to piss the entire neighborhood off like that?"
"Oh who remembers?" Mallory waved.
"Your neighbors," Lana remarked. "They remember!"
"So…" Cheryl said. "We're just going to pretend that whatever happened to Veronica Deane and Alan Shapiro didn't happen yet or…? Okay they don't exist now? Fine. Whatever."
"My point is…" Mallory waved. "We are completely cut off and my neighbors are assholes."
"Isn't that technically two points?" Cyril asked.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "As I was saying being blacklisted as spies has ruined my life! Thank you very much you idiots! Because of you…And admittedly Sterling…I have lost all my friends and contacts."
Cyril looked at her. "Right. The fact that you literally and figuratively screwed everyone you met had nothing to do with it."
"I have nothing," Mallory looked broken. "I have nothing left!"
"You still have us," Pam spoke up.
"Nice!" Mallory snapped. "Kick me when I'm down! I'll be in my office drinking!" She stormed off.
"Wow," Lana said. "I've never seen Mallory this despondent before."
"Well she hasn't been into the absinthe yet so…" Ray remarked.
"I'm serious Ray," Lana said. "This whole mess with Archer has really rattled her."
"I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little upset myself with Archer being in a coma," Pam sighed.
"Especially since you're down one drinking buddy," Ray remarked.
"At least one that doesn't start fires!" Pam glared at Cheryl.
"What?" Cheryl blinked.
"I'm going to talk to Mallory," Lana sighed as she left the bullpen.
"All right," Pam let out a breath. "Time for me to do something! A good HR Manager knows when it's time to lift office morale. And this office needs some heavy lifting! Does that count as phrasing?"
"Pam," Cyril sighed. "You know you're not an HR manager anymore right? In fact, you haven't been one for over a year."
"And when you were one," Ray added. "Your job performance was…sub-par at best."
"We had people complaining of sexual harassment from you," Cyril added. "It's supposed to be the other way around!"
"Oh you loved it and you know it!" Pam got up. "And I know just the thing to get Ms. Archer out of her funk."
"I don't think the budget can handle another crate full of alcohol," Cyril groaned.
"Not that!" Pam said. "Although…"
"NO!" Cyril shouted.
"Party pooper!" Pam snorted. "Never mind. I have a better idea." She left the room with a grin on her face.
"Should we do something?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Cyril sighed. "Not get involved. That's what we should do."
"I agree," Krieger nodded. "That does seem to be the safest course of action."
"What do you think she's going to do?" Ray asked.
"Judging by past experience," Cyril sighed. "Nothing good."
"Best to stay out of the line of fire," Krieger nodded.
"There's going to be a fire?" Cheryl gasped with glee.
"Not literally!" Ray snapped.
"I dunno," Krieger said. "This is Pam we're talking about."
"Fire's not really her medium," Cyril corrected. "I mean if we were talking about bear claws… Yeah that's a given. But not fire."
"Speaking of mediums," Cheryl blinked. "I keep meaning to call that old gypsy woman. But lately all I've been getting is her answering machine. Weird. It's like she knows when I'm going to call."
"Wow," Ray blinked. "Maybe she really is psychic?"
Cyril grumbled. "Maybe she can tell us when we can expect our next client?"
"PAM!" Mallory was heard screaming.
"Okay whatever she's doing I don't want to know," Cyril groaned.
But we do…So in Mallory's office.
"Water fight!" Pam whooped as she sprayed Mallory and Lana with a super soaker. "Hey you two should really consider entering wet T-Shirt contests!"
"PAM!" Mallory and Lana shouted with their wet dresses.
"HA!" Pam laughed as she ran from them.
"GET HER!" Lana shouted as they started to chase Pam.
Back in the bullpen the remaining members of the Figgis Agency heard the commotion. "What the hell did Pam do now?" Cyril groaned.
"Nothing good judging by the sound of Lana's angry feet clompin' through the halls," Ray remarked.
"Where is she?" Lana shouted as she stormed in with Mallory. "Where is that bear claw eating freak?"
"What did she do?" Cyril asked. "And why are you both wet?"
"She shot us with a water gun," Lana snapped.
"The bigger question is how she got away from us so fast?" Mallory growled. "And how she disappeared! She's the size of a whale! How the hell is it possible that she got away from us so fast?"
"Well she has to be around here somewhere," Lana told her. "Maybe in the break room?"
"Perfect," Mallory grumbled as she followed Lana. "Best place to break her fat neck!"
As they left Pam popped up behind a couch. "Ha! And that is why I am still the reigning champion of New York's Laser Tag Division. For 21 and over obviously."
"So to recap," Ray sighed. "Your idea of raising morale is shooting them with water pistols?"
"Certainly raised my morale," Krieger grinned. "Nippetown!"
"Mine too!" Cheryl giggled. "I always said those two were all wet! Get it?"
"Yes and so will Pam when they catch her," Ray remarked.
"Why did you do that?" Cyril asked.
"I just wanted to see them in wet outfits," Pam shrugged. "Cold water makes their boobs stand out."
"You're still a little plastered from last night, aren't you?" Ray sighed.
"Technically…" Pam snorted as she pulled out a small flask and drank from it.
"Pam…" Cyril stood up. "Don't you think…?"
SQUIRRRRRRRRRT!
Pam shot her water gun at Cyril's face, then all down his chest and to the crotch of his pants. "Apparently not," Ray groaned.
"Pam," Cyril growled.
"Oh god!" Cheryl laughed. "It looks like you peed your pants! HA HA HA!"
"You are so dead," Cyril growled.
"Soooo," Pam remarked. "I'm guessing you're not a fan of water fights either huh?"
"SHE'S HERE!" Cyril shouted. "GET HER FAT INSANE ASS!"
"Ohhh boy!" Pam gulped as both Mallory and Lana emerged. "Feets don't fail me now!"
She ran off laughing. This time with Cyril joining the chase. "I'm guessing things are back to normal," Ray sighed. "Or whatever passes for it in this place."
"COME BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!" Mallory shouted.
"FOR THE LAST TIME I'M A WOMAN!" Pam shouted back.
"THAT IS DEBATABLE!" Mallory shouted.
"That should get the ol' creative juices flowing again," Ray remarked.
"Revenge is the best form of creativity," Cheryl nodded. "I gotta watch this!" She ran off after them.
"So," Ray let out a breath. "I'm torn between becoming a private airline pilot or a bartender when this fails. What about you?"
"Hard to say," Krieger sighed. "So few job opportunities for mad scientists with no real credentials these days."
"AAAAHHHHHH!" Pam was heard shouting.
"YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE PAM!" Cyril shouted.
"You see on the one hand I am a licensed pilot and being a pilot is good," Ray went on. "On the other hand, being a bartender…Tips. And if I get a job at a good bar or a gay strip club…"
"Ooh I see what you mean," Krieger nodded. "Maybe I should get in on this bartending gig?"
"Yeah I mean we could get our license together or something?" Ray asked. "At the very least it's a good side hustle, right?"
"And I could sell cybernetic limbs as a side-side hustle?" Krieger added.
"Yeah Krieger," Ray sighed. "Reach for that rainbow."
"CYRIL WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Pam shouted.
"GIVING YOU A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE!" Cyril shouted. "SUPRESSING FIIIIIRREEE!"
"AAAAHHH!" Pam shouted. "NO FAIR!"
"EEEEH! BEST WORKDAY EVER!" Cheryl whooped.
"So we should really think about getting some kind of bartending license," Ray added. "Because it doesn't look like we're going to get any clients in the near future."
"We could do it together!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Ooh! Maybe set up our own bar?"
"GET BACK HERE PAM!" Mallory roared.
CRASH!
"HE HE HE! YAAAAY!" Cheryl squealed.
"CHERLY I SWEAR TO GOD…" Lana shouted.
"IF YOU BREAK ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE GETTING IT TOO!" Cyril shouted.
"TEASE!" Cheryl shouted.
"I'LL CUT 'EM OFF AT THE PASS!" Lana shouted.
"That's a thought," Ray nodded.
"Excuse me…?"
Ray and Krieger turned to see a very distinguished looking gentleman standing before them. "Is this the Figgis Agency?"
Before either of them could say anything, a loud crash was heard. "THAT'S IT CAROL!" Mallory screamed. "YOU WERE WARNED!"
"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREEE!" Cyril shouted.
Cheryl and Pam ran by but they were blasted in the back by fire extinguisher foam. Cyril was blasting a fire extinguisher at them. "GET THEM CYRIL!" Mallory screamed. "GET THEIR SNEAKY ASSES!"
"I'm out!" Pam shouted as she tried to shoot her super soaker.
"I'm not!" Lana appeared before them with a fire extinguisher of her own and blasted both Pam and Cheryl. They screamed and ran into the women's bathroom.
"GET THEM!" Cyril shouted as they followed them in.
"DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY!" Mallory screamed as she then brandished a gun before running into the bathroom.
"MALLORY NO!" Lana snapped. "NO REAL GUNS!"
"TEASE!" Mallory shouted.
"Can't you assholes take a joke?" Pam snapped.
BANG! SMASH!
"Apparently not…" Pam gulped.
"MALLORY!" Lana shouted.
"Hey I missed okay?" Mallory snapped. "Slipped on some damn foam!"
"Yeah and you shot out a light bulb!" Cheryl laughed. "Real cost cutting move!"
"SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted.
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl shouted.
"YES, I AM!" Cyril shouted. "SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREEE!"
Ray and Krieger looked at the man who had watched the entire scene in horror.
"Why yes," Krieger said cheerfully. "Yes, it is!"
"I see…" The man backed away. "Never mind!" He then ran out the door.
BANG!
SMASH!
"GREAT YOU SHOT OUT ANOTHER LIGHT BULB!" Cyril shouted. "THOSE THINGS COST MONEY!"
"I SLIPPED AGAIN OKAY?" Mallory shouted.
"GIVE ME THAT GUN!" Lana shouted.
"Well that didn't end well," Krieger remarked at the door their potential client ran through.
"Should we tell them?" Ray blinked.
"I'm not going to tell them," Krieger said. "You tell them."
"I'm not telling them!" Ray protested. "Yeah tell them they drove away a paying client. That will go well!"
"OW! OW! OW!" Cheryl shouted. "QUIT SLAPPING ME TRUCKASAURUS!"
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Lana said sarcastically.
"OW!" Pam shouted. "GEEZE CAN'T YOU PEOPLE TAKE A JOKE?"
"Well I'm not telling them," Krieger shuddered. "I don't want to be on the receiving end of that!"
"Me too," Ray winced.
"OWWWWW!" Pam shouted. "Stop slapping me!"
"NO!" Mallory shouted. "Since I can't shoot you, I'll have to settle for slapping you!"
"WHOSE HAND IS ON MY ASS?" Lana shouted. "Cyril…?"
"It's not me!" Cyril shouted.
"No, it isn't!" Pam laughed. "OWW!"
"So, neither of us will tell them," Krieger winced.
"Works for me," Ray groaned.
"Pam if you ever pull a stunt like that again…" Mallory shouted as she stormed out of the bathroom, disheveled and covered in foam. "I will take Sterling's suggestion to sew you in a bag full of rats and throw you into that concrete river!"
"And I will personally get the rats!" Cyril snapped as he and Lana emerged from the bathroom. They were also disheveled and covered with foam. "From Krieger! Or a pet store or something! AND THEY CAN GNAW AT YOUR FLESH AND YOUR FREAKING BONES!"
Then Cyril stopped. "Hang on…Was there someone here earlier?"
"Nope," Ray said with a straight face.
"No one but us," Krieger said.
"I thought I saw…" Cyril began.
"What Cyril?" Lana snapped. "Imaginary clients?"
"Ugh you people so can't take a joke," Pam came out her face red with slaps and covered with foam. "I was just trying to lighten the mood a little."
"By ruining my perfectly good Chanel dress?" Mallory shouted.
"It was just water!" Pam snapped. "Well mostly…"
"It's dry clean only!" Mallory shouted. "What do you mean by mostly?"
"Well…" Pam began.
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Mallory shouted.
Cheryl walked out disheveled giggling. "That was fun! Can we do it again?"
"NO!" Mallory, Lana and Cyril shouted.
"Now you idiots clean up this mess!" Cyril shouted. "Especially you Pam and Cheryl!"
"Starting with the bathroom!" Mallory added.
"Why do we have to clean it?" Pam protested.
"Yeah it was Cyril spraying all over," Cheryl snorted. "Just like he always does."
"On my…" Pam began.
Mallory then pulled out her gun again and aimed it at Pam's forehead. "Finish that sentence and I'll have you clean up your own brain splatter from the walls!"
"Yikes!" Pam gulped. Cheryl giggled.
"GET TO WORK!" Mallory shouted. Pam and Cheryl ran into the bathroom.
Mallory put her gun down. "It's one thing after another around here! If it's not you idiots getting high on reefer, it's those idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots! If I wasn't here to watch you idiots this whole place would be nothing more than one huge party! Just drinking and getting high and sex, sex, sex! WELL I HAVE HAD IT!"
"Me too!" Lana snapped. "And Cyril is not going to get it for a long time!" She glared at Cyril.
"WHAT DID I DO?" Cyril shouted.
"The sex robots?" Lana gave him a look.
"Still mad about that huh?" Cyril groaned.
"Yeah," Lana growled. "Spoiler alert: I'm going to be mad about that for quite a long time."
"So unless you want to have an affair with the toaster…" Mallory quipped.
"That depends if Milton is seeing someone or not," Ray remarked.
"Jesus Christ!" Cyril stormed away. "You have one minor affair with a single sex robot and nobody ever lets you forget it!"
"WELL I WISH I COULD FORGET YOU!" Lana snapped as she stormed to her office.
"I WISH I COULD FORGET ALL OF YOU!" Mallory snapped. "Now I have to go home and try to save this outfit. Or at the very least try to convince Ron to buy me a better one." She left the office.
Leaving Ray and Krieger behind.
"We can never tell them," Ray groaned.
"Never," Krieger agreed. "It never happened."
"What happened?" Ray asked innocently. "I didn't see anything happen."
"Neither did I," Krieger shook his head. "So? Bartending?"
"I know where you can get a free course online," Ray told him.
"I'm in," Krieger nodded.