Author's Notes: I wrote this fanfic for my friend, cause he said he wouldn't lend me his Gundam Wing box set unless I wrote a fic, and I've decided to share my gift to him with all of you lucky folks. Please be aware that this fic contains yaoi and extreme OOC, and that I wrote this after having drank three cups of instant French vanilla cappuccino.
----
Once upon a time, in the beautiful land of Konoha, there lived the wise King Uchiha. Until his son Itachi killed him.
Anyways, this king Uchiha had two beautiful sons. The younger of the two, Prince Sasuke, was considered by all to be the fairest in the land.
He had beautiful, inky black tresses, and soft, smooth skin that almost seemed to glow.
And he wore PURDY DRESSES.
His favourite was a floor-length Vera Wang in cotton candy pink, with little sequins on it, and--
Yeah.
Anyways, one fine summers day, Prince Sasuke was taking a leisurely stroll through the Forest of Death, playing with his favourite toy, a shiny golden kunai.
"Gee, I sure do love to play with my kunai," he said cheerily, tossing it high into the air and catching it by its handle. "I could just play with it all day! I don't think I'll ever stop playi--"
Failing to catch it, it dropped into a deep hole of some sort. Possibly a fox's den (--- foreshadowing).
Poor Prince Sasuke began to cry.
"Waaah! First my kitty dies and now this! Fuck you! Fuck you all, goddamn it!"
He stamped his dainty, slipper-clad feet on the ground, raising dust clouds.
"What the hell is all this noise? I was sleeping," came a voice from the ground.
Prince Sasuke looked down at his feet, and noticed a little fox, almost seeming to glare at him angrily.
"Well? What's with the noise, you damn bastard?" the fox asked him crossly.
Prince Sasuke formed a pout with his full lips, which were currently slathered in a generous amount of Lip Smackers Popcorn lip-gloss. "If you must know, I dropped my shiny golden kunai into that hole there."
The fox frowned at him. "You did, huh? Well, I'll have you know that's my house."
Sasuke brightened at this. "Really? Then you could go fetch it for me!"
"Well, I guess I could," the fox replied, scratching himself behind one ear. "But what's in it for me?"
"Uhh..." Sasuke groped around in the recesses of his princely brain for an answer. He didn't want to give the fox anything, as he didn't like foxes. If one were to let a fox into one's house, it would shed everywhere and drip blood all over the bedding from prey it had killed, you see. "I'll give you... a shiny penny!"
He reached into the pocket of his pale blue Chanel original, and pulled out a penny, waving it in front of the fox's muzzle and smiling.
"Nice try. How bout... you let me come live at your palace, and, uh... hehe... "sleep upon your bed", if you catch my meaning," the fox said, wiggling his fox-brows suggestively.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," the Prince replied impatiently, waving a gloved hand at the fox. "Just get it, okay?"
"Well, if you say so."
The fox went down into his den, and returned moments later with Sasuke's golden kunai clenched between pointed teeth.
Sasuke clapped his hands and squealed joyfully.
"Oh, hooray!" he shouted in girlish glee.
And with that, he promptly pranced away.
"Hey, wait!" the fox shouted after him. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"
Prince Sasuke looked over his shoulder at the fox, who stared at him blankly.
"Ugh, no!" he cried in repulsion. "Foxes are ucky!"
He picked up his skirts and ran away.
"Aw, damn," the fox swore. "Stupid little cocktease..."
The next day, at the grand and fabulous Uchiha palace, the prince Sasuke stood and modeled dresses for his elder brother, Itachi.
The dress he wore was a sexy red Valentino mini, along with pearls and shiny red lipstick.
"Does this dress make my butt look fat?" Sasuke asked him, twisting about comically in an attempt to see his rear.
"Not really," Itachi replied, scanning Sasuke repeatedly.
"Really? Cause I think it does. I mean, my legs look great and everything, but what good is it when my fat ass just--"
He was cut off by the sound of the padding of little feet coming up the stairs. Someone knocked loudly on his bedroom door.
"For the last time, Kakashi, no I will not sleep with you!" Sasuke shouted angrily at the door.
No reply came, only another loud knock on the door.
Sasuke threw his pearl necklace onto the floor bitchily, and stomped over to the heavy wooden door. He heaved it open, and stared angrily into the nothingness that greeted him.
"Down here."
Sasuke slowly looked down, and stared into the fuzzy mug of the fox.
"Hey, beautiful. Didja miss me?" the fox said, grinning... foxily.
Sasuke paled. "I-it's you..."
The fox's grin widened. "Yes, it is. Mind if I join you?"
"Shut up and get out..." Sasuke hissed, glaring at him furiously.
The fox's smile faltered for a moment, but it returned and grew even wider. "I can see up your dress from here, you know. I like your panties. Strawberry pattern is so cute."
Sasuke gasped in horror and slammed the door in the fox's face.
Sasuke returned to his place on the runway in his room, and Itachi's red eyes looked at him askance.
"Who was that, Sasuke? Is our pizza here yet?" he asked.
"Er, um... it was a fox," Sasuke replied nervously, twisting his pearl bracelet between two fingers. "You see... I kinda promised I'd sleep with him if he got my shiny golden kunai out of a hole when I dropped it."
"Oh, Sasuke, you silly slut," Itachi replied with a laugh. "Well, let him in... you never know what could happen... after all, it's how I met my husband."
He motioned to Orochimaru, who had appeared out of nowhere, with a smile. Orochimaru licked his lips with his impossibly long tongue and gave Sasuke a creepy smile.
Sasuke shuddered and shuffled back to the door, opening it and letting the fox in. The fox trotted in, his tail held high in the hair, and leapt up onto the Prince's lavish bed, stretching out.
"I could get used to this," the fox sighed happily. "Could I get a soda or something?"
"No problem," Itachi replied, handing him a Diet Sex Cola (taste the one that's forever erotic!).
"Thanks."
Sasuke clenched his fists tightly, and yelled, "Everybody out of my bedroom! Now!"
Itachi shrugged, and grabbed Orochimaru, shuffling their way out and slamming the door behind them.
The fox took a swig of his cola (which was miraculous, seeing as how he lacked opposable thumbs), and turned to face the Prince. "So..."
Sasuke's face turned an ugly shade of green. "Let me just say this RIGHT NOW. There is no way in the seven hells that I'm going to have sex with you. You're a fox. And I'm a boy. So get it through your pathetic pea brain... NO."
The fox pouted. "Well, fine then. I'm goin' to sleep."
And with that, he promptly fell asleep, right on Sasuke's pillow.
'Yuck...' Sasuke thought. 'Maybe I'll go sleep on the couch...'
He went to leave the room, when he suddenly heard loud noises downstairs that made him quite sure that Itachi and Orochimaru had gotten there first.
'Blast it...' He slowly made his way back to the bed, and got in, trying not to touch the fox or any part of the bed that the fox had touched. He soon fell asleep.
The next morning, Sasuke awoke to find the fox gone, and a large patch of wiry red bristles was the only thing that indicated his presence.
'Yes!' the Prince silently rejoiced. 'Rid of that forever...'
He strutted downstairs, and into the kitchen, where Itachi and Orochimaru sat at the table, looking very exhausted, but pleased.
"My god, what a night that was," Itachi mumbled over the rim of his coffee mug.
"Yeah," Orochimaru agreed, flipping through the Sunday newspaper (the headline of which was "Haruno Sakura Strikes Again! Where Will the Carnage End?!"). "Remember that thing with the billiard cues and the machine oil in the pool?"
Itachi chuckled. "Oh yeah, how could I forget?"
Prince Sasuke made a mental note to never, ever go swimming again. Ever.
Itachi turned to his brother and said, "So, how'd that thing with you and Foxy go? Did anything happen?"
Sasuke made a face. "He's a fox, you sick bastard. And no. He was gone before I had woken up."
Itachi shrugged. "Too bad, I guess. Well, Orochimaru and I are going to go make use of the kinky sex room in the basement, so... knock first before coming in." He took Orochimaru's hand and they skipped away merrily.
Sasuke shuddered.
Later on into the evening, Itachi, Orochimaru and the Prince sat in the living room, watching various romance flicks in the dark.
"Oh, this part always makes me cry," Itachi blubbered, dabbing at his eyes with an enormous flower-print handkerchief.
"Oh, there there," Orochimaru cooed, putting an arm around his shoulders. Suffice to say, it didn't stay there for long.
"Oh, come on, guys!" Sasuke whined, watching the pair. "Can't we just watch the movie? Do you have to do... that?"
"Mgdgg," came Itachi's muffled reply.
Sasuke sighed.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock! This time... on the living room door!
"That had better not be the fox!" Sasuke muttered to himself. He picked himself up off the couch and walked lazily to the door, opening it to once again find himself face to face with the fox.
"Hey there," the fox said, that same wide grin still in place.
A vein twitched in the Prince's forehead, but he motioned to the couch, off of which Itachi and Orochimaru had fallen and onto floor, on which they currently rolled about.
The fox leapt up onto the couch, and Sasuke sat delicately beside him, making sure he didn't touch the fox. The fox moved over and snuggled into the Prince's side. Sasuke gritted his teeth and focused on the T.V. screen.
Sasuke awoke on the couch the next morning, to find Itachi, Orochimaru and the fox nowhere to be found.
'Ugh, that was terrible,' the Prince though to himself in repulsion. 'He actually... touched me!'
He made his way upstairs again, into his bedroom, where he proceeded to change into his Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. He grabbed some baby oil, a towel and a cute pair of flip-flops, and went outside, into his ridiculously large backyard. He lay his towel onto the hard ground and lay back on it, slathering the oil all over his skin and lying back.
'Ah, this is good,' he thought, completely relaxed. 'I'm just going to lay back, and get a nice, sexy tan, and I'll never have to worry about that darn fox--'
Loud wolf whistling abruptly cut off his train of thought. He cracked one eye open, to see the fox sitting next to him, grinning, as usual.
"Nice bikini," the fox said, his beady eyes roaming up and down the Prince's body.
Sasuke contemplated dumping the baby oil all over his furry head, but that might encourage him, so instead he just sighed and rolled over onto his stomach.
'My back needs a tan anyways,' he thought.
The fox settled himself comfortably beside him, and they both fell asleep there.
Prince Sasuke awoke the next morning, to find himself in the same position he was as he slept.
"Ow, shit!" he exclaimed loudly as he felt his back, which was horribly sunburned.
He heard a load groan from beside him, and turned, startled, to see two big, blue eyes staring up at him from behind shaggy blond bangs.
"Well, good morning," the blonde boy said, smiling in a familiar way.
"Who are you, and where have you been all my life?!" Sasuke asked in reverent glee.
"I'm the fox," the boy replied. "My mean old teacher, Iruka, put a spell on me, cause I was really fuckin' annoying and he couldn't take the stress anymore. He said the only way I could change back is if I slept with a guy for three nights straight. I suppose he wasn't literal enough..."
Sasuke stared. "You... the fox? Really?"
"Yep. My real name's Naruto."
Sasuke blinked. "... Wanna make out?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
PAUSE FOR GRATUITOUS GAY SEX
And, so ends the tale of the fox prince. What happened to Sasuke and Naruto? Well, they went on to get married and adopt many beautiful children, and they all lived in a big pink castle with Orochimaru and Itachi for the rest of their days.
... Kakashi came too.
----
Once upon a time, in the beautiful land of Konoha, there lived the wise King Uchiha. Until his son Itachi killed him.
Anyways, this king Uchiha had two beautiful sons. The younger of the two, Prince Sasuke, was considered by all to be the fairest in the land.
He had beautiful, inky black tresses, and soft, smooth skin that almost seemed to glow.
And he wore PURDY DRESSES.
His favourite was a floor-length Vera Wang in cotton candy pink, with little sequins on it, and--
Yeah.
Anyways, one fine summers day, Prince Sasuke was taking a leisurely stroll through the Forest of Death, playing with his favourite toy, a shiny golden kunai.
"Gee, I sure do love to play with my kunai," he said cheerily, tossing it high into the air and catching it by its handle. "I could just play with it all day! I don't think I'll ever stop playi--"
Failing to catch it, it dropped into a deep hole of some sort. Possibly a fox's den (--- foreshadowing).
Poor Prince Sasuke began to cry.
"Waaah! First my kitty dies and now this! Fuck you! Fuck you all, goddamn it!"
He stamped his dainty, slipper-clad feet on the ground, raising dust clouds.
"What the hell is all this noise? I was sleeping," came a voice from the ground.
Prince Sasuke looked down at his feet, and noticed a little fox, almost seeming to glare at him angrily.
"Well? What's with the noise, you damn bastard?" the fox asked him crossly.
Prince Sasuke formed a pout with his full lips, which were currently slathered in a generous amount of Lip Smackers Popcorn lip-gloss. "If you must know, I dropped my shiny golden kunai into that hole there."
The fox frowned at him. "You did, huh? Well, I'll have you know that's my house."
Sasuke brightened at this. "Really? Then you could go fetch it for me!"
"Well, I guess I could," the fox replied, scratching himself behind one ear. "But what's in it for me?"
"Uhh..." Sasuke groped around in the recesses of his princely brain for an answer. He didn't want to give the fox anything, as he didn't like foxes. If one were to let a fox into one's house, it would shed everywhere and drip blood all over the bedding from prey it had killed, you see. "I'll give you... a shiny penny!"
He reached into the pocket of his pale blue Chanel original, and pulled out a penny, waving it in front of the fox's muzzle and smiling.
"Nice try. How bout... you let me come live at your palace, and, uh... hehe... "sleep upon your bed", if you catch my meaning," the fox said, wiggling his fox-brows suggestively.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," the Prince replied impatiently, waving a gloved hand at the fox. "Just get it, okay?"
"Well, if you say so."
The fox went down into his den, and returned moments later with Sasuke's golden kunai clenched between pointed teeth.
Sasuke clapped his hands and squealed joyfully.
"Oh, hooray!" he shouted in girlish glee.
And with that, he promptly pranced away.
"Hey, wait!" the fox shouted after him. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"
Prince Sasuke looked over his shoulder at the fox, who stared at him blankly.
"Ugh, no!" he cried in repulsion. "Foxes are ucky!"
He picked up his skirts and ran away.
"Aw, damn," the fox swore. "Stupid little cocktease..."
The next day, at the grand and fabulous Uchiha palace, the prince Sasuke stood and modeled dresses for his elder brother, Itachi.
The dress he wore was a sexy red Valentino mini, along with pearls and shiny red lipstick.
"Does this dress make my butt look fat?" Sasuke asked him, twisting about comically in an attempt to see his rear.
"Not really," Itachi replied, scanning Sasuke repeatedly.
"Really? Cause I think it does. I mean, my legs look great and everything, but what good is it when my fat ass just--"
He was cut off by the sound of the padding of little feet coming up the stairs. Someone knocked loudly on his bedroom door.
"For the last time, Kakashi, no I will not sleep with you!" Sasuke shouted angrily at the door.
No reply came, only another loud knock on the door.
Sasuke threw his pearl necklace onto the floor bitchily, and stomped over to the heavy wooden door. He heaved it open, and stared angrily into the nothingness that greeted him.
"Down here."
Sasuke slowly looked down, and stared into the fuzzy mug of the fox.
"Hey, beautiful. Didja miss me?" the fox said, grinning... foxily.
Sasuke paled. "I-it's you..."
The fox's grin widened. "Yes, it is. Mind if I join you?"
"Shut up and get out..." Sasuke hissed, glaring at him furiously.
The fox's smile faltered for a moment, but it returned and grew even wider. "I can see up your dress from here, you know. I like your panties. Strawberry pattern is so cute."
Sasuke gasped in horror and slammed the door in the fox's face.
Sasuke returned to his place on the runway in his room, and Itachi's red eyes looked at him askance.
"Who was that, Sasuke? Is our pizza here yet?" he asked.
"Er, um... it was a fox," Sasuke replied nervously, twisting his pearl bracelet between two fingers. "You see... I kinda promised I'd sleep with him if he got my shiny golden kunai out of a hole when I dropped it."
"Oh, Sasuke, you silly slut," Itachi replied with a laugh. "Well, let him in... you never know what could happen... after all, it's how I met my husband."
He motioned to Orochimaru, who had appeared out of nowhere, with a smile. Orochimaru licked his lips with his impossibly long tongue and gave Sasuke a creepy smile.
Sasuke shuddered and shuffled back to the door, opening it and letting the fox in. The fox trotted in, his tail held high in the hair, and leapt up onto the Prince's lavish bed, stretching out.
"I could get used to this," the fox sighed happily. "Could I get a soda or something?"
"No problem," Itachi replied, handing him a Diet Sex Cola (taste the one that's forever erotic!).
"Thanks."
Sasuke clenched his fists tightly, and yelled, "Everybody out of my bedroom! Now!"
Itachi shrugged, and grabbed Orochimaru, shuffling their way out and slamming the door behind them.
The fox took a swig of his cola (which was miraculous, seeing as how he lacked opposable thumbs), and turned to face the Prince. "So..."
Sasuke's face turned an ugly shade of green. "Let me just say this RIGHT NOW. There is no way in the seven hells that I'm going to have sex with you. You're a fox. And I'm a boy. So get it through your pathetic pea brain... NO."
The fox pouted. "Well, fine then. I'm goin' to sleep."
And with that, he promptly fell asleep, right on Sasuke's pillow.
'Yuck...' Sasuke thought. 'Maybe I'll go sleep on the couch...'
He went to leave the room, when he suddenly heard loud noises downstairs that made him quite sure that Itachi and Orochimaru had gotten there first.
'Blast it...' He slowly made his way back to the bed, and got in, trying not to touch the fox or any part of the bed that the fox had touched. He soon fell asleep.
The next morning, Sasuke awoke to find the fox gone, and a large patch of wiry red bristles was the only thing that indicated his presence.
'Yes!' the Prince silently rejoiced. 'Rid of that forever...'
He strutted downstairs, and into the kitchen, where Itachi and Orochimaru sat at the table, looking very exhausted, but pleased.
"My god, what a night that was," Itachi mumbled over the rim of his coffee mug.
"Yeah," Orochimaru agreed, flipping through the Sunday newspaper (the headline of which was "Haruno Sakura Strikes Again! Where Will the Carnage End?!"). "Remember that thing with the billiard cues and the machine oil in the pool?"
Itachi chuckled. "Oh yeah, how could I forget?"
Prince Sasuke made a mental note to never, ever go swimming again. Ever.
Itachi turned to his brother and said, "So, how'd that thing with you and Foxy go? Did anything happen?"
Sasuke made a face. "He's a fox, you sick bastard. And no. He was gone before I had woken up."
Itachi shrugged. "Too bad, I guess. Well, Orochimaru and I are going to go make use of the kinky sex room in the basement, so... knock first before coming in." He took Orochimaru's hand and they skipped away merrily.
Sasuke shuddered.
Later on into the evening, Itachi, Orochimaru and the Prince sat in the living room, watching various romance flicks in the dark.
"Oh, this part always makes me cry," Itachi blubbered, dabbing at his eyes with an enormous flower-print handkerchief.
"Oh, there there," Orochimaru cooed, putting an arm around his shoulders. Suffice to say, it didn't stay there for long.
"Oh, come on, guys!" Sasuke whined, watching the pair. "Can't we just watch the movie? Do you have to do... that?"
"Mgdgg," came Itachi's muffled reply.
Sasuke sighed.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock! This time... on the living room door!
"That had better not be the fox!" Sasuke muttered to himself. He picked himself up off the couch and walked lazily to the door, opening it to once again find himself face to face with the fox.
"Hey there," the fox said, that same wide grin still in place.
A vein twitched in the Prince's forehead, but he motioned to the couch, off of which Itachi and Orochimaru had fallen and onto floor, on which they currently rolled about.
The fox leapt up onto the couch, and Sasuke sat delicately beside him, making sure he didn't touch the fox. The fox moved over and snuggled into the Prince's side. Sasuke gritted his teeth and focused on the T.V. screen.
Sasuke awoke on the couch the next morning, to find Itachi, Orochimaru and the fox nowhere to be found.
'Ugh, that was terrible,' the Prince though to himself in repulsion. 'He actually... touched me!'
He made his way upstairs again, into his bedroom, where he proceeded to change into his Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. He grabbed some baby oil, a towel and a cute pair of flip-flops, and went outside, into his ridiculously large backyard. He lay his towel onto the hard ground and lay back on it, slathering the oil all over his skin and lying back.
'Ah, this is good,' he thought, completely relaxed. 'I'm just going to lay back, and get a nice, sexy tan, and I'll never have to worry about that darn fox--'
Loud wolf whistling abruptly cut off his train of thought. He cracked one eye open, to see the fox sitting next to him, grinning, as usual.
"Nice bikini," the fox said, his beady eyes roaming up and down the Prince's body.
Sasuke contemplated dumping the baby oil all over his furry head, but that might encourage him, so instead he just sighed and rolled over onto his stomach.
'My back needs a tan anyways,' he thought.
The fox settled himself comfortably beside him, and they both fell asleep there.
Prince Sasuke awoke the next morning, to find himself in the same position he was as he slept.
"Ow, shit!" he exclaimed loudly as he felt his back, which was horribly sunburned.
He heard a load groan from beside him, and turned, startled, to see two big, blue eyes staring up at him from behind shaggy blond bangs.
"Well, good morning," the blonde boy said, smiling in a familiar way.
"Who are you, and where have you been all my life?!" Sasuke asked in reverent glee.
"I'm the fox," the boy replied. "My mean old teacher, Iruka, put a spell on me, cause I was really fuckin' annoying and he couldn't take the stress anymore. He said the only way I could change back is if I slept with a guy for three nights straight. I suppose he wasn't literal enough..."
Sasuke stared. "You... the fox? Really?"
"Yep. My real name's Naruto."
Sasuke blinked. "... Wanna make out?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
PAUSE FOR GRATUITOUS GAY SEX
And, so ends the tale of the fox prince. What happened to Sasuke and Naruto? Well, they went on to get married and adopt many beautiful children, and they all lived in a big pink castle with Orochimaru and Itachi for the rest of their days.
... Kakashi came too.