And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless…

-The Fray-

If I Ever Wanted Anything…It's You Peyton, Its you Lucas… Part I

The icy tone of his voice, as his accusation that Peyton herself had given up on him, echoed in the stillness of the room, even after he had gone. Over and over again the stinging words he hurled at her bounced around in her mind, as she paced around the room, Like herself the office her world, began to feel emptier than ever.

Peyton collapsed into her chair drained, broken and bruised by the words Lucas threw at her like pouring salt to wound. Now he was gone, and she couldn't help but wonder if it was for good. How did it get to this point? But then again how could it not. She could see that they've been dancing around each other for days, careful not to say too much in fear of saying it all, revealing everything that threatened to spill out on days when they simply glanced at one another.

Despite her intentions and her inner struggle to keep them at bay: the tears, hot and heavy, relentlessly fell down her cheeks. Although she had succeeded in her struggle in that moment with Lucas, now alone, the facade she had put up imploded and the tears flowed and like loving Lucas she'd never thought they'd stop.

Peyton's mind raced , her thoughts once again became jumbled, she had said what she wanted to say , she even had the satisfaction of being right in her own assumptions , People always Leave. But even now as she tried hard not again to summon up everything that was said, she was sure her words didn't seem like enough to convince him. She sat there for a moment, thinking. Had she said all she meant to? Had he heard me? did he hear me 3 week ago? Because I sure heard him, and he was definitely not the Lucas Scott I remembered.

I'm losing it, she said aloud, her head in her hands, her heart appearing more fractured then the first time he left, again with the last words. Peyton tried desperately to fight for control and for a grasp on reality, but that was a battle she could clearly sense that she was losing.

In some ways Peyton allowed herself to accept what little validity Lucas had in saying that she had giving up on him, although his reasons never crossed her mind. Never did she think that he wouldn't become the successful writer he is today. She imagined he had his doubts as well as she about her own dreams, but never did she not believe. She wouldn't allow him to make her question her love for him, not three years ago and not now, because she did and always have.

Had he really found fault in Peyton for wanting to find herself. He must have known how much she loved him. Did he really want her to have to give up anything to prove that she loved him. You didn't just jump into a marriage because of any reason, and she knew that love would definitely not be the only thing that will make a marriage last. She had the right to follow her own path and fulfill her own dreams and she wanted Lucas to do the same and he did. Isn't that what love is wanting the best for each other? Yes she had a crappy job back then, but she couldn't just depend on Lucas to give her all the happiness in the world, though that would be nice, it is not at all realistic. How dare he make her choose or assume that she would. He knew her or at least she thought he did. If anyone's love was to be questioned it was his. He walked out on her. He gave up on them. Could he have simply just give up on what they had meant to each other, without a second thought. These thoughts invaded Peyton's mind, stubbornly refusing to allow her to think clearly.

Lost in all her emotions this one thought persisted to nag at Peyton, she couldn't help but feel as if she made the wrong choice in coming back to Tree Hill only to feel emptiness around every corner that Lucas once helped to subdue. And now there was Lindsey and here she was again seeming to be again in the middle of another perfect relationship. Would bad luck always seem to follow her?