Hi Minions! Ok... So I'm back (kind of) but not yet continuing my longer stories. I know, I know, I said In would finish them and I will, just not at the moment. Sorry *Embarrassed face* So I don't know if this is just a one shot or not, I haven't decided yet, so it's up to you lovely people! Yay for you!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Lord Voldemort or Wormtail. However, I do own the guy who breathes incorrectly, well I did, he's dead now. *sniff* (If you read down you'll get what I mean...)

Today started out just like any other day in the Lair of the DOOOOOM. Lord Voldemort, evil Dark Lord and just a general big bully, was having fun torturing people (like that scum Wormtail), killing people (like that idiotic new recruit who breathed in through his nose, as if to show off that he had a nose, well Lord Voldemort soon showed him that having a nose did not mean you were better) and planning dastardly brilliant plans (if he did say so himself) to take over the world.

And so, as it was, Lord Voldemort and all his minions were gathered in the 'throne room' of Voldemort's new Secret Hideout (also known as the Lair of DOOOOOM – with the correct amount of 5 'O's) and Voldemort was sitting on his surprisingly comfortable (after all, you can't torture someone efficiently with a sore bottom) torturing Wormtail (as it was his favourite hobby) and generally having a good time.

When an owl flew in. With a letter.

Now, it had been a long time since Voldemort had last received a letter via Owl Post so one could argue that the would not know the correct manner in which to approach this situation, which is why he AK'ed the owl, but then you could also say that Draco Malfoy doesn't dye his hair – and we all know that isn't true. So anyway, Lord Voldemort killed the owl and sent one of his minions to retrieve the letter in its claws all the while feeling a slight tinge of… excitement? Well he hadn't received a letter for ages…

Practically crawling on his Minion number 56 gave the offending letter to his Lord and Master. Lord Voldemort inspected the letter. It was addressed to him! Lord Voldemort had received a letter! Oh, he was ever so excited, but he was a Dark Lord so he had to appear calm (and evil, of course). He opened the letter in an evil manner and read it.

Dear Tommy,

(I feel as though since you've tried to kill me and I've escaped so many times that we can be on first name basis? Not to mention the amount of times you've tried to possess me as well. Its nice to know you want to get to know me so much, but I am afraid to say that my Beater's Bat – not that I actually own one – does not swing that way. Apologies. But if you do ever enter the dating scene I would still recommend a different approach, I don't think many women – or men – would appreciate being tortured/killed/possessed on their first date. I'm sure I can find you some easier chat up lines if you'd like?)

Anyway, how's life as a megalomaniac?

Yours Sincerely,

Harry Potter (your arch enemy)

Ps. I do hope you haven't killed the owl that delivered this, would be most unfair and rather annoying. 'Sides Hedwig would refuse to talk to me again and she's only just starting to talk back to me after The-Incident-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

PPs. Much Love!

Lord Voldemort then experienced another new emotion; confusion. "What the Hell?"

So yeah, do I continue this?

(Stupid line below won't go - rhymes!)