Searching for the Light

By: Shin Sankai

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and its characters belong to its rightful owner. I'm merely using them once again for entertainment purposes only. This "drama/angst/romance" oneshot is dedicated to Chi-chan.

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I swayed in my seat as I rode the train. With arms crossed, head slightly bowed and eyes fixated elsewhere and not on the petite young girl beside me, I was heading back to Kyoto and bringing the now sleeping Misao with me. She too rocked with the motion of the train as we journeyed on our way back. Omasu, Okon and I had travelled all this way to retrieve her. It was true that Okina was worried for her, it also appeared that in the deepest recesses of my own heart, a heart which I thought was frozen over with solid ice, had suddenly begun to crack as the presence of Misao remained around me.

Standing at the gate of the Kamiya girl's place, with Misao looking wide eyed up at me it was official I had nothing to say or more importantly didn't know what to say. Was I a coward for not voicing a thing? Could I be taken as a coward when there was no time to voice a thing when Misao read Okina's letter and then ran away? She had run from me this I knew. Did she doubt I would not come after her?

Though I deemed myself not worthy to be one with the Oniwabanshuu anymore, I knew the others would want Misao to come home. She was the beloved grand daughter of my late Okashira. We had promised to take good care of her. And with that promise in mind…and once being her guardian I had left with Omasu and Okon to bring her home. Home… Was I even worthy to call Kyoto or the Aoiya my home?

After the Shishio incident I had returned to a broken Aoiya with a beaten and bloody Sagara and the Battousai at my side. We were all beaten and sore and ready to collapse, but one could not when numerous people came to our aide, tears of joy in their eyes as they helped guide us inside the damaged Aoiya.

All the horrible things I had voiced to Misao must have plagued her thoughts and yet she still ran towards me, tears streaming down her porcelain face. Even when I had left all those years ago, knowing a life that I was moving into was not suitable for her and didn't take her with me, Hannya and the others, she still cried out my name with sheer happiness that I'd returned.

While being tended to with the wounds I'd received physically, especially the one from my most hated foe, Okina had come to the quarters I rested in and told me the truth of what he wanted to happen. After all that I had done, how far I'd gone just to take the title of the strongest, he wanted the Battousai to kill me for I was now their enemy. However, Okina's plan did not go according to his plans. The Battousai was not a killer anymore and in fact would not allow anymore tears to fall from Misao's eyes and therefore promised the youngest member of the Oniwabanshuu that he would return me to her.

Opening my eyes at the sudden pressure against my side I glanced over and down at Misao to see she was now leaning against me. The swaying of the carriage against the tracks had jolted Misao into my larger body and there she remained with her sack of belongings she'd fled the Aoiya with months ago pressed against her chest as she hugged it in sleep. Just across the aisle Omasu and Okon talked quietly, their eyes meeting mine for a moment as they smiled at the two of us or maybe Misao leaning against me and looking even younger then what she was.

It was true, she was not a young girl anymore. Himura the Battousai had said this to me while the women at the Kamiya girl's place went out. I know Himura was trying to get me to look at Misao in a new light, to realise that she was growing up fast and she wasn't the same girl I'd left behind a decade ago. In a way I felt I knew this, but it was also a part of me that didn't wish to let go of that innocence for it was pure and untainted. I knew that Misao whereas the Misao that sat beside me now was someone I didn't know. Was I a coward for not reaching out to get to know her? Long ago Misao had such great affection for me, the others placing it down to childhood love and yet now, now I didn't know what she thought of me. Was I a monster to her? Was I a man she could never love again? All these thoughts were causing a headache and I didn't wish to think of them, but when you're on a long journey with the very subject leaning against you, what else could one think about?

Along this journey we came across a particular bumpy section along the tracks that I was aware of and yet Misao was not. As soon as we hit it, my skills miraculously kicked in and I caught Misao from falling to the floor in front of us and also smacking her head on the vacant bench seat in front of us as well. It wasn't long before her eyes snapped open, my arm around her narrow waist, while her sack was on the ground, as she remained dressed in her Oniwabanshuu uniform.

"Ah, arigatou Aoshi-sama." Misao spoke quietly to me, a noticeable blush forming on her pale cheeks. I voiced nothing as I waited for Misao to straighten up before letting go of my firm grip and observed as she sat calmly down on the bench in front of me. As she placed her head in her hand, elbow against the window seal and gazed out at the scenery rushing by, I couldn't help but calmly watch her.

Truthfully, it had been a long time since I saw something or someone in my line of vision. For the longest time darkness had surrounded me ever since Hannya and the others had been murdered by Kanryuu Takeda. Even though my eyes were constantly open, I still couldn't see anything. I walked in darkness, through shadows on the inside as I fluently made my decisions with my kodachi. I was on a vendetta and to me as long as Himura the Battousai remained alive I would never see light again.

Those days of remaining in the darkness were still within me, I being too afraid to move into the light. I hated not knowing my outcome; therefore I remained where I thought I belonged, shrouded in darkness. I had been an Okashira, one with great skills and judgement, someone who moved with precise decisions and fluent moves. Now though, I was walking within an Era I knew nothing about, as my hands remained stained with blood. I was amongst people that I had once called my own and ever since I had betrayed them I had felt I belonged nowhere. I was nothing but a wandering monster; anxious as to when the devil within me would rise again.

This new Era was not meant for one such as I. Though I never did wish to touch my weapons anymore, the blood, the carnage was still on those blades, still on my hands and on my clothes. To this day I could see every face of every man I had slaughtered. Perhaps even now, as I calmly sit with Misao across from me, the monster I let out all those months ago was still dormant within me. He was waiting for a moment to strike once again, to push all those that tried to reach out to me away. I didn't know when this would happen or if it would happen, but just the unease feeling of this single situation actually playing through my head made me restless.

"Aoshi-sama daijoubu?" Ocean blue orbs that hadn't changed since Misao was a child stared over at me, concern and worry flashing through them. Even if they hadn't changed, Misao had clearly grown up by just looking at her. I was meant to remain emotionless and yet with the persistence and skills of Misao, having been taught by myself and mainly Hannya, it appeared she had caught me out.

"Aa…" I murmured out, eyes breaking from Misao's to gaze at the setting sun. It would not be till tomorrow mid morning that we would arrive in Kyoto. I'm sure Okina would have a party ready to welcome Misao back. It wasn't long before an exasperated sigh broke through Misao's lips as she hopped off the bench and calmly and quietly sat next to me again. I began to ponder as to whether she could sense my unease about my being in this very Era.

After all that has been said and done, Misao continuously remained at my side. Why? It was a constant question I uttered to myself daily as she poured me tea at the temple I mediated at. If it wasn't that then it was her bringing me snacks or an umbrella in case it rained on my way back to the Aoiya. The smallest little detail she placed in looking after me with the others always had her name etched into it. If, for one moment I asked Misao why she remained at my side, would she have an answer? Did she do it out of pity? Or was it out of love? Could it perhaps even be a bit of both?

"You should rest Aoshi-sama." From the corner of my eyes I watched as Misao carefully flicked out her blanket before boldly throwing it around my shoulders. "All this thinking can wait until later, so rest a little. Orders from your Okashira." I observed as Misao winked at me before sitting herself back onto the bench in front of me. She truly had grown up over the years. Okina and the others had done a fine job after all. Even though a life as a spy was not meant for one such as Misao, I believe that the others can protect her just as much as she can protect herself. They would never let anything happen to her and for a split second within the calm beating of my defrosting heart I too would not allow anyone to harm Misao.

With my head resting against the frame of the window I continuously watched the sunset, my eyes shaded by my long bangs, keeping them hidden from scrutinising gazes. I guess in a way Misao was right. There was time for my thoughts later for I would return to the Aoiya and back to the temple for meditation to help my process of seeking light and redemption from myself.

Though as usual, with Misao not prattling away about what she did in Edo while being away from the Aoiya, I couldn't help but wander into more deep thoughts that no one knew I had floating within me since I didn't speak more then one word to any of them.

With time on my hands and no companions at my side, what was there to do in life? I had lived for my role as Okashira and had seen the worth of my four comrades when I brought them back to the Aoiya, but now that they were gone, I was alone. I listened to Misao sneeze and watched her place on her cloak. It wasn't long before I backtracked on my previous thoughts.

I wasn't alone, but perhaps because I felt Misao wouldn't understand the life I had been leading that it was pointless to open up, so I remained in a lonely place forbidden to reach out in case that person fled from me once they knew the truth. Even though I believed that I was not meant to remain in this Meiji Era, I would witness the courage and determination that Misao now carried at wanting to be a respectable leader for her people. Though I voice nothing of encouragement for her, I know she will make a fine leader. She will work through hardships; she will one day receive the loyalty of the Oniwabanshuu and will regain the honour that was once there. I will have no part in what is to come of the future and will remain at the sides. I believe this is all I am meant to do after betraying my responsibility as leader.

"Ne Aoshi-sama?" I jerked slightly at the sudden whisper in front of me. The carriage had grown darker, the lanterns not having been lit as of yet and with moonshine breaking through the foggy glass I found glassy wide eyes looking up at me. "Once we bury Hannya-kun and the others, will you join me in a private celebration to honour their lives?" That is right. Misao had not wanted to leave and yet with simple words of wanting to return to the Aoiya with everyone she'd rushed after me.

I had stored away Hannya, Beshimi, Hyotokko and Shikijou's heads to journey back with us so they would have a proper burial and I would be able to pray before them every single day. Over time I would thank them for saving my life.

Even with them not beside me anymore, life will continue to move forward even though in my darkest hours I had not wanted it to. With each passing day, meditating and now being able to bring my companions' home, it will be easier to search for the light. I believe this light will guide me to where I am meant to be. Though I know darkness and coldness suit me well, it appears that my life isn't meant to always be that way. I had survived after all and if I continued to remain in my motionless state, I would then once more dishonour those who had sacrificed themselves to allow me to live. I now knew that the life I thought I should be confined to is not the one I want. I wanted to have the choice to choose my own destiny.

"Aoshi-sama?" Misao had repeated, her voice breaking slightly. To her it would seem I was ignoring her just like when I had first returned. Was this young woman the one who would guide me to light? Could Misao be the way out of my darkness? With the headache pounding against my temple I bowed my head to Misao, too many emotions within those eyes I didn't wish to examine and define just yet.

"Aoshi-sama…" Her voice mumbled once more. The 'sama' always attached because no matter what had happened it appeared Misao would always have respect for me.

My eyes darted open, I never really knowing I had closed them to begin with as I felt hands glide through my black strands of hair. Since the moon was hiding behind the clouds and the lanterns were still unlit, Misao had leaned forward and placed her forehead against the top of my head.

"Hannya-kun told me to look after you now, so please rest Aoshi-sama." Had she seen Hannya in her dreams? "If it's too hard to face them, I will understand as well." She was far too mature. I had missed so many years. Would I ever be able to catch up?

After all this searching, all the hours I'd spent at the temple trying to cleanse my soul, was Misao truly the being I was meant to reach out to? In ways I felt confused. I used to be her guardian, her leader and yet now it seemed I needed help from her now. Would she truly understand? Misao had never been one to judge another, so was that why my heart twitched when she was near? Like now for instance?

As we sit quietly in the darkness, making our way back to Kyoto, for more then a second this time I could actually believe that the light I searched for everyday was right in front of me, resting her head against my own. Though we were in a very public area with many travelling to Kyoto, the darkness gave us this small piece of privacy…and with that in mind I took advantage of it.

For once in my 26 years of life, I reached out to someone and found a warm hand as I placed my slightly larger and colder one over it. A soft gasp escaped Misao's lips as her forehead moved from my own head and I just knew she'd be looking at my hand over her own. Though darkness was all around us, it was our training, our instincts as spies and ninjas that helped us see better in the dark then your average person.

I hated Misao having seen me in my most darkest hour, having cut down Okina into a bloody mess and telling her I never wanted to see her face again, but now it appeared her very being was a life line to me.

As my hand rested over hers, I finally lifted my eyes to meet the shadows against her face, her eyes sparkling like jewels within the darkness. Was this the beginning of me heading for the light? I didn't know, but for once, the thought of showing the monster within me to Misao didn't scare me as much. Her hand was after all within mine and I would take a step towards her to become Shinomori Aoshi the man and not the monster. With uneasiness rushing through Misao, I having been able to feel her ki, I allowed more then a single word to break through my lips as to give Misao more hope that my walls were slowly coming down. And so, with her silent encouragement to say something I started with,

"I'd be honoured to join you Misao." I was rewarded with her smile and quietly backed away from her, letting go of her hand just in time as lanterns were lit and the moon broke through the clouds.

Misao leaned back against the bench, her smile directed right at me and I knew she wasn't going anywhere and would remain at my side. We would both have to wait and see if the light I searched for and what appeared to be within her would cast all the shadows within me away. In this peaceful Era, it appeared time was on my side and time healed all wounds as long as there was company along for the journey.

Xx The End xX