Her Big Mouth, His Big Feet

By Sailor Fantasy

Summary: In which Kairi and the girls explore a certain urban legend, and the repercussions that follow.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't even know the owner.

Pairing (at the moment): Sora+Riku, Riku+Sora, Kairi+Sora

Chapter 1: The Legend of Big Feet

They were giggling about him again.

Sora was becoming quickly agitated with the glances he was getting from Kairi, Selphie, and the rest of their stupid group of girly friends. As he turned his head once more, he felt their perfidious stares return to the back of his head. He had a feeling that they'd be confronting him soon, so he tried to squelch the feeling in his stomach while trying to concentrate on the building of sand fortress around his sand castle and moat. Of course, he failed. Sora had never had the patience and attentiveness any of his other friends had—both Riku and Tidus never seemed to be bothered by any of the girls. Sora, on the other hand, was always rather…disturbed when it came to girls gossiping, especially about him. Especially when he didn't know what they were gossiping about. But that was quite all right, since the girls were coming his way anyway.

Sora gulped. Why did they always have to pick on him for their stupid lab experiments? Sora was quite sure Riku—if not Tidus—would be quite willing to participate in their expedition to their understanding of boys. Why did it always have to be unsuspecting, oblivious, virgin Sora? Why couldn't it ever be experienced, wise, obviously non-virgin Riku?

Which leads us to Reason Number 1 as to why Sora hated girls: They were always so damn curious.

Sora sighed, watching the girls approach with a predator-like stride. Why was life so unfair?

"Sora" Kairi called, a blush on her cheeks and a giggle in her voice. "I hope you don't mind us coming over. You weren't doing anything important, were you?"

Sora looked down at his unfinished, humble fortress. It was already crumbling apart. Much like his boring, monotonous life.

"No, of course not," Sora replied dully. The girls giggled.

"Oh Sora, you're so funny!" one of the other girls squealed. Sora winced at the pitch.

Reason Number 2 as to why Sora hated girls: Unlike boys, when girls hit puberty their voices had the potential to become even more annoying and high-pitched. In which was the case with this girl. What was her name again? Umi? Uma? Something of the sort. It didn't matter much to Sora, anyway.

There was an awkward silence. The sound of the ocean crashing onto the shore was plainly heard. Sora liked the sound of the ocean crashing onto shore. It was very relaxing.

Unlike girls' voices.

"So…Sora," Kairi begun carefully, kicking some sand up with her lilac sneaker. "How's it going?"

Sora raised an eyebrow. One of the girls elbowed Kairi for wasting time. Kairi blushed and mumbled something.

"What?" Sora asked, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible. The quicker, the better. And he could probably have a sword fight with either Riku or Tidus, as soon as he found them.

Where were they, anyhow? Sora frowned. Thinking about it, he hadn't seen either boy all day. Not even a sign of Wakka—and he could usually be found on the shore.

Were they all hiding from him or something? Or were they all hiding from the girls?

Very curious. Very curious indeed.

Talking about curious… "Well, Sora…." Kairi tried again, blush becoming far more permanent and red as she stuttered on. "Well, Sora…me and the girls were wondering…." She stuffed her face in her hands. "I can't do this," she mumbled to her palms.

One of the other girls sucked her teeth. Selphie, as bubbly and bold as a rainbow flag, stepped up to finish the botched job. "What Kairi meant to ask, Sora, was, well…" even Selphie was becoming flustered—"Is that the real size of your feet?"

Sora blinked. Then blinked again.

What?

"What?" Sora asked, befuddled and bewildered. More bewildered than anything. What the hell, man? What kind of question was that? "What?" Sora demanded again.

"Is that the real size of your feet?" Selphie inquired again, albeit a little slower this time. As if he were slow or something. Like she was some A+ student herself. She had an average just as low as Sora's! How dare she act as if he had the IQ of one of her stupid, girly friends—such as Uma, or Umi, or whatever!

Reasons Numbers 3 and 4, respectively, as to why Sora hated girls: They were always so stuck-up and so damn weird!

"Yea, of course!" Sora exclaimed, causing a large amount of titters, gasps, and blushes. "What—no why—the hell would you ask that!" He honestly hoped it wasn't that entire 'Sora is the son of a clown and Big Foot and was found and adopted by Mrs. Sora's mother' buzz again. It had taken three years for him to clear that up. And some people from the island were still giving him odd looks.

"W-well," Selphie stumbled through her words tentatively, a scarlet blush on her cheeks. "Um…well…some boys actually wear bigger sneakers so that…well…their feet appear bigger."

"And why, pray tell," Sora seethed, "would they do that?"

"Well—umm…" Selphie seemed at a lost for words. "Uh…don't you know?"

"Know what?" Sora inquired, interested now. If it wasn't the clown/Big Foot story, what was it?

There was a very, very awkward pregnant pause. Sora waited expectantly and impatiently. Then, finally, Kairi—who seemed to regain some of her courage—spoke up.

"You don't know about…the legend?" she asked, hesitantly and blushingly.

"No," Sora replied. "If I knew, would I be asking?"

This seemed to goad Kairi on. She stepped forward. "So you don't know about the entire rumor…you know, about the bigger your feet the bigger…." Kairi blushed. Selphie blushed. The entire group of girls blushed. Sora raised another eyebrow.

"Bigger? Bigger the what? Ego?" he asked, curious. Some of the girls giggled. Others just blushed some more.

"Um…no. You know… The bigger…umm…your…thebiggeryourassetsare!" She rambled. Sora blinked and then scratched his head.

Girls were so weird.

"My assets? What assets?" Sora inquired. And then it came to him. "I'm no rich boy!" he cried out hotly. 'They're probably trying to get some money out of me!' Sora thought heatedly. 'Or some fancy, smancy expensive hooker boots!'

Reason Number 5 as to why Sora hated girls: They were such gold diggers!

"No!" Kairi said exasperatedly. "Your assets…down there," she squeaked, before she covered her crimson face with her hands. Sora blinked once, twice, before his face turned extremely hot and he knew his entire body was red. He hated when that happened. He probably looked like a bright red tomato. Which he knew because he saw himself do it once in the mirror when Riku said something he wasn't supposed to.

His assets down there?

That was none of their damn business!

Reason Number 6 as to why Sora hated girls: They were so damn nosy!

"What the hell, man?" he yelled, but before he could get any further…

"Hey guys," came a very familiar, very masculine voice. "What's up?"

Sora looked up at Riku with grateful eyes and hero worship. Riku, who was always the hero. Riku, who always seemed to come just at the right moment. Riku, who was absolutely perfect in Sora's eyes.

Unlike girls. So unlike girls.

"Hey Sora," Riku grinned warmly at him. "Looking a little flustered there. Is everything all right?"

Sora nearly melted. He sounded so concerned. And considerate. And sincere.

So unlike girls.

Was there any other reason why boys were so much better than girls?

"Yeah, I'm fine," Sora replied, heart fluttering though he did not know why. Matter of fact, why was his stomach doing so many flip-flops, tumbles, and back-flips? It was kind of nauseating, in a sweet sickening kind of way. "But…" Sora was interrupted by several gasps and whispering. Both Sora and Riku whipped their heads toward the girls, who were pointing at them as if they were on the Salem witch trials. Sora began scratching his head again and Riku had a condescending smirk on his face. Again, Sora glanced at him in hero worship once more. There was no other word for it—Riku was just cool.

There was another set of gasps, and one of the girls actually fell to her knees with measuring tape. She measured Riku's foot first—who, even in his coolness, had to look at her oddly—before she nodded and crawled over to Sora to measure his big yellow sneakers. Sora didn't know whether to allow it or push her away. In the end, he let her, only because Riku had.

"Oh my gosh!" she shrieked. Sora winced again. "It's true! It's true! His foot is bigger!"

There was a large, collected gasp. There was even a faint or two. There were several shared blinks between Sora and Riku, who both looked confused at each other before saying in harmony "What?"

"Sora's foot is bigger than Riku's!" said the same girl from before, her large eyes even wider than before behind her glasses. "Oh my gosh!"

"What?" Kairi demanded, shocked. All of the embarrassment seemed to appear as she took charge of the situation. "Are you sure!"

"Very, Kairi!" the girl in bifocals replied, and Sora figured she must've been the brains of the group. 'Well,' he thought, 'one of them had to be just a little intelligent.' The girl continued. "Sora is definitely bigger by three inches!"

Kairi looked at Sora, then at Riku, then back at Sora again. There was a new light in her eyes—wait, no, Sora recognized that look. It was that look she used to stare at Riku and Tidus with. That look usually also came with some drooling.

But why was she staring at Sora with that look for?

Riku must've noticed the look too, for he asked "Hey, what's this all about?"

None of the girls answered Riku, either still in shock or they were still paying too much attention to Sora. Riku scowled. He wasn't used to being ignored.

Sora, however, wasn't ignoring him.

"They're talking about your assets, Riku," answered Sora, unthinkingly. "You know, down there."

Riku choked. Sometimes, Sora's audacity astonished him. After so many years, you would think it wouldn't even faze him anymore. Sora could be worse than the girls, at times. At least they were subtle.

"W-wha?" Riku struggled. Sora shrugged.

"They said something about…um…what was it? Oh yea. The bigger your feet, the bigger your assets are. I don't know about that, ya know? It's like, what do your feet have to do with what's down there? It sounds kinda dumb; ya know what I'm sayin'?"

Riku wanted to say "No, I don't know what you're sayin' but I'm about to run away very fast and maybe even sail to another island because this is just too weird" but instead all he said was "Oh."

Sora smirked at him. Riku didn't know what the smirk was for, but he decided he didn't like it at all.

"So Riku, I guess that means I finally beat you at something," Sora said sweetly. The girls—they were still there?—tittered some more.

Riku felt flustered and distressed. But not distressed in a very girly way; not in a 'Damsel in Distress' type way. He was distressed in an 'Oh shit, what did I just get myself into?' type way.

But he would stay cool. Riku always stayed cool.

"Oh really, Sora," Riku drawled, and the girls were paying attention to him again. Just a rumble from his 'sexy' tone could melt the iciest of girls. Or, at least, that's what Selphie told him. Or was it Kairi? "And what would make you think that?"

Sora was still smirking. Riku would have to change that. "Well, the proof is in the pudding. I do have the bigger feet…and therefore, the bigger assets."

Riku had to ask Kairi and Selphie later where they got their sources from. "And how would you know that?" Riku asked. Riku plastered his smirk back on his face, which caused several girls to swoon. "Why don't you prove it, Sora?"

It was now Sora who was flustered. "Wh-what?"

"Prove it," Riku challenged, eyes glinting. "Prove that your assets are bigger than mine."

Sora blushed a cherry red. How the hell did Riku expect him to pull that off? To take off his red shorts, right then and there? "How am I supposed to do that? Pull down my shorts, here and now?"

Riku felt so cocky and confident that he could've sung to himself. Which made little sense, but whatever. It made him feel good to have the upper hand again. "Why not?" Riku confronted. "You seem so convinced that your assets are bigger than mine so I don't see why not."

Sora was visibly getting nervous. Riku knew Sora hated being pressured in crowds.

But lucky Sora was saved. Kairi interrupted with a long "Ewwwwllllno one wants to see that!"

Several agreements from the girls could be heard. Sora rounded on them, still flustered and bewildered, and exclaimed "So why did you want to know!"

Kairi shrugged, as did the other girls. One of them proposed to go to the ice cream parlor, and the others approved wholeheartedly ("As long as they have diet!" one cried out) and they went happily on their way, leaving Sora and Riku to themselves.

Riku blinked, and then sighed. Girls were so weird. But on to bigger things…

Riku turned and faced Sora with another condescending smirk. "Well?"

Sora, who hadn't been paying much attention in a daze, nearly jumped at the sound of Riku's voice. Sora blinked, scratched his head, and fretfully laughed. "Yea, what's up? Girls are so weird, right?"

"Yea, they sure are," Riku agreed. Riku leaned forward, smirk becoming a lot wider. "But back to the topic at hand…what makes you think you've got bigger assets than me?"

Sora was blushing, and he took a step back. And another step back. And another.

Riku was pretty sure that Sora was about to break out into a sprint by the end of whatever he was going to say. He stood and waited, trying to figure out whether he felt like chasing after the little brunette today.

"Ha ha, I was just kidding around, ya know? You're not still on that, are you? Ha ha, Riku you're so weird. Butlistengottogodinneryaknowtalktoyoulaterbye!"

And then Sora broke into a sprint. Riku nearly laughed. Sora was so predictable.

Deciding not to chase after the boy, Riku walked along the shore towards his little house at the end of the beach. He couldn't help the smirk that lit up his face.

Sora thought that he could run away from him that easily, but he had another thing coming. This battle was far from over.

In the end, Riku was determined to prove that his assets were way bigger than Sora's.

End Ch. 1

Chapter 2: In which Sora ponders about life, discovers he is blitzballchallenged, and recieves several concussions for it.

Review Please! It's inspiring!

And now...Fun Author's Notes: Reason as to why I am writing the following story:

I was bored. Very, very bored. And instead of using this time to create an original work that probably would have ended up crappy, I wrote something that piqued my interest in which the 'general idea' does not belong to me—in other words, a fanfiction. Or satire. What do I mean by 'general idea'? The romantic, silly plot is mine; however, the overall game plot, game characters and locations are not. I am simply borrowing the characters and overall game scheme for manipulation of my own twisted plot, and also because I thought they'd fit it best. That's all.

As for fanfiction? Well, I haven't touched that entire theme for about two years now. What got my interest up for it now? Well, it could be the release for my all time favorite game, Kingdom Hearts II, the only video game I'll ever play. But that's the only explanation I've got.

Anyway, Hope you guys enjoyed—very first KH fanfiction, and I'm rather proud of it. I'm also hoping its rather original. And I'd be very glad if you reviewed. Constructive Criticism is very welcome. Thank you!