Against FF VIII
Original written by ??? (See Below)
MSTed by neored13
Well. Okay, I think you deserve some backstory. On FFO Forums, someone posted up a link to this rant against Final Fantasy 8. The rant itself was hilariously stupid. So I figured I'd make it funnier! Now, if you decide you actually WANT to go to this idjit's site, it's at http://whiteserpent.tripod.com/index.htm. If you want to see the original rant, which is still represented in it's entirety in this MST, it's at http://whiteserpent.tripod.com/id38.htm. But beware, all pages are set to automatically load bad MIDI files. I don't mean they don't work, because the files do work. That's the problem. The author's name is nowhere on the site, so I put down ??? as the author. So, without further ado...
EDIT: Umm, this thing got a little out of hand. It should now be rated PG-13, for the word "ass", sexually oriented comments, and accusations of hentai...
MST ROLL CALL!
SQUALL! "...Whatever." Squall, from Final Fantasy 8, enjoys long quiet walks, sitting and thinking, and destroying evil Sorceresses.
YUFFIE! "Gimme that Materia!" Yuffie, from Final Fantasy 7, enjoys bouncing around, riding carnival rides, and stealing things.
ARTHUR! "Go, Talon, GO!" Arthur, from Final Fantasy Legend 3, enjoys large guns, legendary swords, and time travel.
FEEEEI! "Come on, Weltall!!" Fei, from Xenogears, enjoys painting, martial arts, and the company of his multiple-life-long girlfriend, Elly.
A day on board the MST Satellite...
Squall, Arthur and Fei sat around the breakfast table, munching bacon and eggs. Yuffie's voice could be heard from the bathroom.
"...I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world..."
Arthur clamps his hands over his ears, forgetting that he is currently holding a piece of bacon. "PLEASE make her stop!"
Squall looked up. "...I like it."
"You WOULD."
Fei grimaced. "Look out, she's heading for the high note..."
Fei and Arthur both dove under the table, scattering bacon and toast. After a few moments, an incredibly high-pitched note rings out, shattering the light bulbs over the breakfast table and showering Squall with broken glass.
"..." Squall picked shards of glass out of his coffee. Fei got up, picked up the breakfast dishes, and went to dump the ruined food. Arthur got to work replacing the broken bulbs, and Squall began fixing a new batch of bacon and eggs. After a few blissfully song-free minutes, Yuffie bounced out, beaming.
"Good morning, everyone! And how are you all today?"
All three grunted. Suddenly, a red light flashed and sirens whooped. Yuffie dashed to a control console.
"We get signal!"
Arthur looked over at her. "What?"
"Main screen turn on!"
A dark figure appeared on the screen. Fei gasped. "It's you!"
The figure chuckled. "How are you gentlemen! All your overused quotes are belong to us!"
Squall grimaced and facepalmed. "..."
Arthur stood there, holding his coffee. "You're early today."
"Indeed. I found this DELICIOUS little rant against a video game. It's so absurd I just HAD to share it with you."
Fei groaned. "Not another one! That last one took us a week to recover from! Well, which game is it against? Hopefully it's Zero Wing..."
The dark figure laughed. "No such luck, my friends. This is against Final Fantasy 8."
Squall put his hands on his hips. "I don't really think that's fair. I mean, shouldn't I sit this one out? I mean, seeing as how I have kind of a personal interest..."
"No, Squall, you're not getting out of this one. So enjoy... While you still have your sanity."
With that, the mysterious man disappeared from the screen and a green light started to flash. Yuffie jumped to her feet. "WE'VE GOT FIC SIGN!"
***DOOR SEQUENCE***
7: A series of doors like the ones in Alice in Wonderland. Yuffie crawls through and opens the door from the other side.
6: A bouncer protects the next door. Fei punches him in the nuts and they pass by.
5: A space robot. Arthur pushes it down the stairs. They continue.
4: A hamster. Squall knocks it flying with a golfer's swing of his gunblade.
3: A Stargate. They try unsuccessfully to punch in the coordinates for Earth, then shrug and go through.
2: A paper circle. All leap through like college football stars.
1: An airlock. The author ran out of imagination at this point.
All four enter and sit in seats. Popcorn and cola magically appears.
Yuffie: Hey, ever wonder why this guy's doing this to us? I think he wants to drive us insane so he can reprogram our minds and use us for his evil bidding.
Arthur: Yes, but what would he use YOU for? I think he's conducting an experiment to see just how much crappy writing we can stand.
Fei: He's obviously trying to drive us insane, but I think he just wants us to kill each other.
Squall: ...
Arthur: How 'bout you, Squall? What do you think?
Squall: ...He's bored.
Arthur, Fei and Yuffie: WHAT?!?
Squall: ...It's starting.
Yuffie: ...Arthur, there's a piece of bacon behind your ear...
Arthur: Uh, yeah, I'm... saving it for later.
I feel that it is time for me to say what I think needs to be said
Arthur: What, that you're a moron?
Fei: Hey, you don't even know what the guy's gonna say yet.
Arthur: Trust me, with HIM, this can't be good.
about what could safely be called one of Squaresoft's worst games ever
Yuffie: SaGa Frontier?
Arthur: SaGa Frontier 2?
Fei: Ehrgeiz?
Squall: Super Mario RPG?
Arthur: Hey, I enjoyed that one.
(for a non-portable system, that is. For a portable system, the worst
game made by SquareSoft would be Final Fantasy Legend III).
Arthur: WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY! LEMME AT HIM! LEMME AT HIM! I'LL TAKE HIM OUT! SEE HOW HE LIKES HAVING A NUKE SHOVED UP HIS ASS!
Fei: Hey, easy, easy... You can't hurt him from here...
Arthur: More's the pity.
Where to begin?
Arthur: HOW ABOUT TAKING YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, FOR STARTERS!
Yuffie: Hey, cool it! You're OOC!
Arthur: ...Bite me.
Well, first, there is the ridiculous magic system. Gone are the
Materia we thought would stay with us forever.
Yuffie: Heh, heh, not if _I_ have anything to say about it!
Instead we 'draw' and
'junction', something far more complicated than even the 'Elemental'
Materia for first-time FFVII users.
Fei: 'Apparently' this 'guy' hasn't actually 'played' FF8, he just 'listened' to people 'gripe'.
Arthur: And the 'Elemental' Materia is 'easy'. Just 'link' it to any other 'Materia' that has an 'elemental' 'affinity', like 'Fire'.
Yuffie: This 'guy' sure 'uses' a lot of 'quotation marks'.
Squall: Are 'you' quite 'done'?
Fei, Arthur, and Yuffie: ...
And you don't even use the magic you
draw/junction, for reasons explained below.
Squall: HUH? Now that just makes no sense.
Yuffie: What, is big bad Mr. Author scared his stats will go down if he uses his itsy-bitsy Fire Magic?
And the 'GF's. 'Guardian Force'. How stupid is that name!
Arthur: Well, I agree with him there...
Squall: Don't start taking his side.
Arthur: Don't worry.
And the
whole friggin' CONCEPT! Summon your monster. Let it fight and take damage
for you.
Yuffie: Isn't that the whole POINT of Summoning things?
Fei: Well, 8 introduced the whole 'Summoning time' thing, where your GF's HP replaced your own character's, thus allowing you to use the GF as a temporary shield. However, FFX looks like the Summon will completely replace your battle party and keep fighting, whereas...
Squall, Arthur, and Yuffie: O_o...
Fei: Aw, crap... x_x;
Squall, Arthur, and Yuffie: (Point and laugh) FANBOY!!!!
Then there is the 'boosting', where you repeatedly tap the Square
button, forcing you to concentrate on your fingers and not on the visual
summon.
Arthur: Umm, HELL-OO! Turbo Controller? Watch for the little 'X'? Don't learn 'Boost'? If you want pretty colors, go play Spyro!
And the summon is about five minutes long.
Squall: Only Eden, the rest are only about four minutes... ^_^
Arthur: Why, Squall! You just riffed your own game!
Squall: O_O;;
And most of the summons
are pretty damn funny-looking too.
Squall: Your mother!
Arthur, Fei, and Yuffie: O_o;;
Seems to me that Ifrit is a loooot like
'Satan Slam' from Vincent's Final Limit Break, Chaos, no? Does Shiva not
look a LOT like Jenova?
Yuffie: SAY WHAAAT?! Shiva, like JENOVA?!?! Is this guy BLIND!? Does Shiva have tentacles? Or cast Ultima? Or have a huge-ass HEART growing from her ass?!
Arthur: Hey, cool down!
Yuffie: And IFRIT LIKE CHAOS?!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING, YOU BLIND BASTARD!
She's no longer as graceful, gone are the
mysterious movements
Arthur: Hell, I've seen some 'mysterious movements' occur when Shiva's summoned...
Yuffie: (Whacks him on the head) PERV!
and the 'diamond dust'. Instead she blasts the
enimies with ice.
Squall: Duh, that's, like, what Shiva DOES...
Fei: Actually, Shiva is the Indian GOD of destruction, not a princess of ice. In the original mythology, Shiva is MALE, with quite a large number of arms... aw, crap...
Squall, Arthur, and Yuffie: FANBOY!!!
Speaking of Limit Breaks,
Squall: Were we speaking of Limit Breaks? Seems to me we were talking about GFs...
Arthur: Smile and nod, Squall. Just smile and nod...
you only get to use them when you're badly
damaged. And you get to use them constantly.
Squall: Why? Are YOU constantly badly damaged?
Arthur: Sure seems that way from his writing...
But to make them better, you
have to read all these magazines, instead of finding one piddling manual
somewhere, of which only two are difficult to get (Omnislash and Great
Gospel).
Yuffie: Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FRICKIN' HARD IT WAS TO GET ALL CREATION? I HAD TO WORK LONG AND HARD...
Arthur: *cough*onthestreetcorner*cough*
Yuffie: TO GET... (Turns to Arthur) Did you say something?
Arthur: Me? No, no...
Yuffie: Right. Anyway... I HAD TO WORK LONG AND HARD TO GET THAT LIMIT BREAK!!!
Squall: ...All you did was beat up your father.
Yuffie: Well, yeah... But it was really hard!
Actually being able to USE those manuals in VII, however, is far
harder
Arthur: Not really... *cough*GAMESHARK!*cough*
and that makes it worth it. Not to mention that Zell's Limits are
damn near those for Sabin's Skills, aren't they?
Fei: Well, yes, but that's because there's always been a character in the Final Fantasy games who is an adept at bare-knuckle or claw fighting. In 4, it was Yang. In 5, anyone you wanted. In 6, it was Sabin, Tifa in 7, Zell in 8, and Amarant, who was labelled Salamander in the Japanese version, but changed to Amarant when they couldn't fit in Salamander, in 9. It seems to be a continuing staple of the series, much like summoning and the use of the "Prologue" music piece... Oh, damn, I did it again...
Yuffie, Arthur, and Squall: FANBOY!!! ^_^
Then there is the plot. The opening FMV dosen't tie in very well with
the beginning of the game, as it does in VII. There's a fight between
Squall and Seifer. Then Squall wakes up in a medical room.
Squall: HELLO! I was hit in the face with a SWORD in that scene! Wouldn't you wake up in a medical room after you were hit in the face with a sword?
Fei: Actually, it was a gunblade, the distinction being that a gunblade has the firing mechanism of a gun attached to the base of... the... blade... Aw, hell...
Squall, Yuffie, and Arthur: FANBOY!
In VII, you see
a spectacular view of Midgar to a very original theme, which quickly turns
to something that fills you with a sense of urgency, as the camera zooms
down to the train station, where something attention grabbing happens
immediately.
Arthur: What, the sex scene between Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie?
Fei: Biggs and Jessie I can see, but Wedge? He's... um... fat.
Yuffie: (Smacks both of them) PERVERTS!
In VIII there's music that is a disturbing ripoff of
'One-Winged Angel' (dosen't matter if it's the same composer, it sounds as
though he remixed One-Winged!).
Yuffie: WHAT? REMIXED? WHY-YOU-LITTLE...
Squall: Hang on, Yuffie. Let's see if he's right.
(Squall begins humming the intro theme from the starting movie, and Yuffie begins humming One Winged Angel.)
Arthur: What do you think, Fei?
Fei: I think Yuffie's off-key.
And a lot of stuff with Rinoa in a field
or something with all these feathers.
Arthur: Field or something... Let's see, it's flat, grassy, and full of flowers. Looks like a field to me!
Fei: Actually, in that case it might make sense for Uematsu-sama to refit OWA to go there, since Rinoa's Limit, is, after all, Angel Wing... But why doesn't he use it more often when dealing with Rinoa? It would have made the game more interesting...
Anyway. So after a while you find out about the Sorceress or
something, and what's probably an original plot but is nonetheless rather
stupid.
Squall: (Rising out of his seat) WHAT?! STUPID? SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU POMPOUS ASS!
THE SORCERESS IS GOING TO COMPRESS TIME!!! Oh no! RUN!!!
Squall: ALL RIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT! Energy from beyond time, superheated plasma, FRY MY FOE! ULTIMA!!!!
(A blast of green energy engulfs the movie screen. When it clears, the scrren is unharmed.)
Squall: Nuts!
Arthur: Wasn't that the FFT way to cast?
Squall: Yeah, I figured I needed something to impress the BGs before they die...
As opposed to Sephiroth's planning to summon Meteor and go to the
Lifestream where he will become a God, or the whole thing with Kefka going
stark raving bonkers.
Yuffie: He's...
All: STARK RAVING MAD!!!
Sephiroth's plan will have an obvious effect on life
as we know it, but exactly what will compressing time accomplish?
Squall: Fei, you want to handle this one?
Fei: Gladly. See, compressing time would throw the entire space-time continuum out of alignment, thus causing strange temporal anomalies that would throw people backwards and forwards in time randomly, and probably mess up collision detection as well.
Arthur: Um... Collision detection?
Fei: Yes. To put it simply, you'd be stuck in a wall.
Arthur: Okay... Fanboy.
Not to mention that there seems to be the only plot line, whereas in
Final Fantasy VII, near the end of the game, say, the end of Disc Two,
there are at least four separate enemies that could want the party dead:
Sephiroth. Duh.
Jenova. Double duh.
Fei: Actually, Sephiroth was under the control of Jenova...
Shin-Ra.
The Planet itself. There are theories that the Planet destroys all
humanity at the end of the game, because humanity is, in essence, a
cancer. They've been sucking up the Planet's blood and giving nothing in
return. However, this can be debunked by the evidence of Cosmo Canyon,
there they do not use Mako and are trying to help the Planet.
Squall: Really. Let's see, I know it said somewhere (I forget the part) that if the angel found one good man in the city of Sodom, God would spare it. Well, he destroyed the city anyway, and even turned Lot's wife into a damn pillar of salt! Take that, Cosmo-boy!
And there's no deliberately closed ending. Instead of the cool shot
of Midgar with all the vines and stuff, and Sephiroth vanishing into
Lifestream and things, that allow the writing of so many great fanfics, we
have a happy little ending. That's ridiculously long.
Arthur: What, so you can't write good FF8 fanfics? Quick poll: How many people here have read the work of Soul Hunter? (All hands go up) Astarte? (Again, all hands) How about TacomaSquall? (All hands up AGAIN) That's what I thought. See, if HE would send up some stuff by them, we would be left speechless.
Fei: Well, now, I think we might be able to find SOMETHING to say occasionally...
Squall: No offense, Yuffie, but you know why 8's better than 7? 8 doesn't have those little chibi characters, and you can see everyone when you're walking around in town.
'But wait! FFVIII hasn't got chibi characters! Everyone is there when
you're walking around!' you say?
All: AHHHHH! THE AUTHOR IS OUT TO GET US!!!
1: Hasn't got chibi characters. What, chibi characters are a bad thing?
The chibi characters can convey emotions far more effectively than
something realistic.
Arthur: Really. Cloud has no nose, mouth, ears, or eyebrows. All he can do is sit there and blink.
Yuffie: Well, Squall only has two facial expressions: Pout and frown. ^_^
(Squall pouts, then frowns)
2: Everyone is there when you're in a town or something. This is VERY
annoying, and makes it hard to see the room.
All: L4M3R! W3 W1LL H40R J00! ^_^
3: Those Metal Gear Solid-esque characters are scratchy, and don't have
really descriptive facial features.
Arthur: See above riff about the chibi characters.
Squall: Really, now. Look at this mesh! Do you see any polygon lapping going on here?
Yuffie: Yes, in your hair. It sometimes goes right into your face. And just where do you put your gunblade?
Squall: -_-;;
This is, I find, true also in IX,
although in IX they're chibi again, albeit with enormous wrists for some
reason.
Arthur: You wanna know why they have enormous wrists? PRINCESS GARNET! OW! (Yuffie begins beating on Arthur) Ow! Ooh! Ohch! Yeek! Ow, not there, not there!
Yuffie: AND STAY THAT WAY!
The characters.
It's fairly obvious at the start that Squall is pretty much Cloud,
isn't he? Same sort of name, same personality.
Squall: Really, we're nothing alike. Cloud only says 'Whatever' about three times.
Even has a mysterious link
with another character. Cloud - Sephiroth. Squall - Laguna.
Squall: What's so mysterious? He's my DAD. This guy must have failed his Algebra class.
Arthur: Why do you say that?
Squall: Extrapolation.
Fei: Now THAT was an obscure riff.
Selphie is the obvious Yuffie character,
Yuffie: WHAT!!!
in fact, they even look the
same.
Yuffie: WHAT!!! Why you...
The only think missing is Yuffie's motion sickness
Yuffie: ARRRRGHH!! Power of ancestors, might of heaven! ALL CREATION!!
(An enormous beam of rainbow light roars from Yuffie towards the screen. Again, the screen is unharmed.)
Yuffie: DAMN!
(Selphie drives
the Ragnarok, the dumbest looking Airship I've seen yet. And I've seen the
Talon, fer Crissakes!).
Arthur and Squall: WHAT?!
Squall: The Ragnarok looks a hell of a lot better than that stealth fighter ripoff!
Arthur: HEY!
Yuffie: I have to agree with Squall here, Arthur. That red dragon ship is just so KAWAII!
Zell...well, where to begin? Too immature, and he's really just the
image of the classical teenager: a little ass who likes to fight and eat.
Obviously a takeoff on Sabin (Food! Bring me all ya got!).
Squall: Heh, he's got it there...
Irvine is a LOT like Vincent...the gun, the hair, the clothes, but
otherwise he's different.
Yuffie: RIIGHT... Hair, clothes, gun, otherwise he's different? Gag me with a Buntline... Besides, have you compared those two? The only thing even SIMILAR is the gun.
Quistis...first, it's a stupid name.
Arthur: I always imagine her as having kind of a british accent, and pronouncing it "KEEST-is". You know, kind of like the lady on "The Weakest Link."
Fei: Man, she is HOT!
Squall: Who, Quistis or the "Weakest Link" chick?
Fei: Either one!
Yuffie: AHHHH! I'M SURROUNDED BY PERVERTS!
Arthur: Get used to it, sweetcheeks. I've seen those picturs of you and Barret...
Yuffie: AHH! Those were faked!
She reminds me of Lucretia for
some reason. She totally screws up the party's plan to assasinate Edea.
Fei: Actually, it was IRVINE who screwed up the plan to assassinate Edea, since he hadn't been using the GFs for as long as the others had, thus he remembered that Edea was really the Matron of their orphanage, who had reared them from childhood. Thus, his feelings interfered with the way of the sniper, causing him to hesitate. This allowed Edea to guess that something was up, and erect a Protect spell. Aw, nuts... x_x;;? o_o?
Squall, Yuffie, and Arthur: What? Did you really think we were going to yell 'FANBOY!' every time you said something like that?
Rinoa. Daddy's little girl. Disobeys her father and goes to try and
stop Edea, but turns into the classical RPG female and needs Squall to
come rescue her.
Arthur: Yeah, Squall! Didn't you get sick of rescuing that ditz time after time?
Squall: Yeah. I even tried to leave her on the railroad bridge at Fisherman's Horizon, but the damn train wouldn't come!
Not to mention that her Limit Beak is just plain DUMB.
She summons her DOG. One of her Limits involves her having this dog (who
appears to be a golden retriever, and thus weighing about 100 pounds) jump
onto her arm and she shoots the poor creature at the enemies.
Yuffie: (As Zone) Rinoa, PETA is on the line, they want to speak to you...
Oookay...
And of course there are those things that are disturbing Red XIII
clones! Moombas or whatever. And you CAN'T say they don't look like our
beloved Nanaki! They're practically alike! Jeeeeez!
Squall: O_o
Arthur: ~_~
Yuffie: @_@
Fei: o_O
Squall: Hey, I did that one!
Fei: No, you did O_o, I did o_O!
Where are the Moogles?
Squall: EVER HEAR OF MINIMOG!?!?!
And now the weapons.
First, Squall and Seifer's 'gunblades'.
How stupid can this be? First, the damn thing would need to have the
blade split in half to allow the bullet to get beyond the firing chamber.
The gun has no barrel, which would result in an accurate firing range of
about one meter. The handle of the weapon is placed in such a fashion so
that holding the sword and attacking with it at the same time would be
impossible, except to stab. They slash. And that thing where you can fire
it as you slash? The bullet wouldn't hit the enemy! And the damn thing is
ugly as sin.
Fei: Actually, the gunblade might be a rather effective weapon. The bullet, when fired, sets up a vibration in the blade. Thus acting like someone had stuck the sword in you and twisted. As for not being able to slash, he apparently hasn't looked at the Hyperion. Actually, both gunblades are perfect for an overhand or backhand strike, which is just the way they're built.
Squall: And I get about one meter away before I swing the thing! SHEEZE!
Arthur: Yeah! Try pistol-whipping someone with the barrel of a gun! It works great!
Fei, Squall, and Yuffie: O_o, o_O, and ~_~ respectively
Arthur: What?
Squall: And ugly as sin? Sure, the Flame Saber and Twin Lance aren't that easy on the eyes, but apparently this guy hasn't seen the LIONHEART! I'm about ready to give him a nice close-up view myself.
That...thing that Quistis uses.
Yuffie: I think it's called a... whip?
Oooh, a whip! Kinky!
All: AHHH! THE AUTHOR IS OUT TO GET US!
The same goes for Selphie, pretty much.
What the hell is Rinoa trying to do, be like Xena? Who are they
trying to fool?
All: ???
Yuffie: OH! He's referring to the whole throwing-the-boomerang-frisbee-of-death-at-them thing! Hell, I do that, and he doesn't object to me!
I guess that a die-hard Final Fantasy fan would ignore these in the
face of all the FMVs the game has.
Arthur: I SPIT in the face of all the FMVs this game has!
I'm a traditionalist. I think that an FMV should be used only when
it's a really momentous occasion. The escape from Midgar, the falling of
the Sector 7 Plate, the theft of the Tiny Bronco, the emotional scene with
Red and Seto, the Gold Saucer FMV when you're on the date, Aeris' death,
the whole North Crater thing when Shin-Ra is there and WEAPON awakes,
WEAPON destroying a lot of Shin-Ra Tower, the theft of the Highwind, the
final video.
Squall: Let's see... How about every time you enter or leave Gold Saucer, whenever you go up and down in that stupid lift thing of Bugenhagen's, et cetera...
They shouldn't be thrown about willy-nilly and all over,
Parasite Eve fashion, so that you lose all respect for them and they don't
mean as much.
Arthur: Really, now, insulting Parasite Eve? He's done it this time. NO ONE INSULTS PARASITE EVE AND LIVES! Ancient weapon, sealed power of the atom... NUKE!
(A blast of atomic energy envelops the screen. It is unharmed for the most part, but it is beginning to blacken around the edges.)
Arthur: ALL RIGHT!
Fei: I got next.
The only FMV I like in FFVIII is the Sorceress' Parade. You
know, with her on the float that looks deliciously like an altar,
Arthur: A sacrificial altar! With the blood channels and convenient resting place for the heart...
(Squall, Yuffie, and Fei edge away from Arthur)
Arthur: What? Was it something I said?
and the
delightful music* that brings to mind One-Winged Angel before you knew
what the words were and the only part you were sure about was
'Sephiroth!'?
Fei: ~Estuans interius, ira vehementi... Sephiroth! Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias... Sors immanis, et inanis... Sephiroth!~
Yuffie: Do you actually know what those mean?
Fei: Well, only the "Great ire" part, and the "Come, come, oh come"... I saw a translation somewhere, but those two were the only parts that stuck...
* The words to this are:
Fithos, Lusec, Wecos, Vinosec.
Meaning, 'Sucession of Witches'
Squall: DUH! Hey, how's he know what they mean?
Fei: It's one of those eternal mysteries of fandom... Lots of people knowwhat they mean, but no one can tell you where they found out...
Speaking of Edea, she's the only character who I have ANY respect
for, since she reminds me of Sephiroth in a way, until she's not the
Sorceress anymore.
Squall: Really, how superficial! Not liking someone simply because they're not evil anymore? For shame!
Now I'm going to bitch about the music.
Yuffie: OH PLEASE DO!
Squall: HEY!
The only music in the whole game that I like is 'The Legendary Beast'
(when you fight Ultemecia-Griever or whatever it's called...I just call it
'Ultimiever'...)
Arthur: GRIEVAMECIA!
Squall: ULTIMER!
Yuffie: GREICIA!
Fei: ULTIMAVER!
All: ...
and the music during the Sorceress' parade. The only
reason I liked the Legendary Beast at first was when I got it from Napster
and the file path said FFVII.
Fei: NEVER TRUST NAPSTER! Power of aeons, death of galaxies... BIG BANG!
(Camera pans away from Earth, shows shot of galaxy. Enormous beam shoots through galaxy. Cut back to Earth, beam cuts through Earth, explodes Earth and moon. Fade back to theater, screen is smoking and curled at the edges.)
Fei: AWWW YEEEAAAHHH!
Plus, the name reminded me of WEAPON. As
soon as I heard it I was captivated by the sort of...uh, ethereal
whistly-noise that took up a large part of it, and the sound that was a
lot like a hammer smashing into an anvil.
Arthur: That sound was the dignity of gamers everywhere hitting bottom.
Cool!, I thought. Obviously this
wasn't from VII, but I thought it could be from V or maybe VI (VI from
Anthology). I was damn sure that it was from VI.
All: L4M3R!!!
Then I find that it's
from VIII. I think, no worry, it's by the best composer of all time.
Yuffie: Aqua?
Squall: Limp Bizkit?
Arthur: Dust for Life?
Fei: John Tesh?
Then
I heard a lot of the other music from VIII. I was apalled. Everything else
was horrible, particulary the boss music! You can appreciate the edgy,
pulse-quickening strains of the boss music from VII, but this was AWFUL!
Arthur: Gotta agree with im there...
And the Chocobo music...I just won't go into that. It's like the Chocobo
music from Final Fantasy Adventure (for GameBoy). Ick.
Arthur: What, you have something against chocobos? NO ONE INSULTS MY GAME BOY BRETHREN!
Yuffie: Sit down, Arthur. Only one screen attack per character per fic.
Arthur: *sigh* Just one teeny Flare?
Fei: NO.
At least FFIX is
better. That music is a synthesis of a lot of Final Fantasy music, for
example, the battle music which has the bass from VI's battle music, and
so on.
Squall: Well, yes... But that's no excuse to ridicule 8!
At one point you hear the Shin-Ra parade music.
Yuffie: Yeah, but it's not done very well. They had cymbals, drum, and trumpet! How'd they do the whole thing?
And now, the script. I'm going to say that the script was strange at
best. Not that VII's wasn't! But a large amount of VIII is Squall
thinking, of all things.
Squall: ...Bite me.
At least Ultimecia has her mandatory good line,
being 'Griever! Make them bleed!'. But this is true for all villains:
Sephiroth: You have no heart and cannot feel any pain. Traitor. Soon I
shall return to the Promised Land...
Yuffie: You know, if you haven't played the game, you'dthink all those lines were consecutive...
Kefka: Then...welcome to my barbecue! Vwee hee hee! Run, run, or you'll be
well done!
Arthur: That last one's my personal favorite. Now if only Kefka had some fashion sense...
And that's all I can think of right now. I really don't give a rat's ass
about X-Death, and could care less about Kuja, who seems to be mighty
close to Sephiroth, eh?
Yuffie: Pardon? I hate to put down Seph, but Kuja had much larger plans! And he actually DID destroy the world. At least, one of them... So did Exdeath!
Except Kuja needs a dragon (with feathered wings,
yet!) to fly, wheras Seph needs no artificial aid constructed by those
puny humans for aerial movement.
Fei: (Seph) ~I'm saaaaaaiiiilllling aawaaaaayyyy...~
Arthur: Uh, Styx? Why did it have to be Styx...
See why FFVIII sucks...
MIDI playing: The Legendary Beast
Squall: Oh, no! He's got MIDIs set up! RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW!
...
...
...
Arthur: You know, I think that's the end.
Fei: Really. Ended rather weakly, don't you think?
Yuffie: Let's get out of here before they start the second showing!
***REVERSE DOOR SEQUENCE***
As the four return to the main room, visibly shaken, the dark man reappears.
Man: Well, my 'friends', how did you like it?
Arthur mimes vomiting.
Man: Good, good. Now, before we end this, let's finish on the same note we started with... AHEM! You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha........
Yuffie: Captain!
Squall: Take off every 'ZIG'
Arthur: You know what you doing.
Fei: Move 'ZIG'
All: FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
.END.
Well, what did you think? This is my first MSTing, so criticism is appreciated. Might be more if I get good reviews!
---------------------------
And most of the summons
are pretty damn funny-looking too. Seems to me that Ifrit is a loooot like
'Satan Slam' from Vincent's Final Limit Break, Chaos, no? Does Shiva not
look a LOT like Jenova?
Original written by ??? (See Below)
MSTed by neored13
Well. Okay, I think you deserve some backstory. On FFO Forums, someone posted up a link to this rant against Final Fantasy 8. The rant itself was hilariously stupid. So I figured I'd make it funnier! Now, if you decide you actually WANT to go to this idjit's site, it's at http://whiteserpent.tripod.com/index.htm. If you want to see the original rant, which is still represented in it's entirety in this MST, it's at http://whiteserpent.tripod.com/id38.htm. But beware, all pages are set to automatically load bad MIDI files. I don't mean they don't work, because the files do work. That's the problem. The author's name is nowhere on the site, so I put down ??? as the author. So, without further ado...
EDIT: Umm, this thing got a little out of hand. It should now be rated PG-13, for the word "ass", sexually oriented comments, and accusations of hentai...
MST ROLL CALL!
SQUALL! "...Whatever." Squall, from Final Fantasy 8, enjoys long quiet walks, sitting and thinking, and destroying evil Sorceresses.
YUFFIE! "Gimme that Materia!" Yuffie, from Final Fantasy 7, enjoys bouncing around, riding carnival rides, and stealing things.
ARTHUR! "Go, Talon, GO!" Arthur, from Final Fantasy Legend 3, enjoys large guns, legendary swords, and time travel.
FEEEEI! "Come on, Weltall!!" Fei, from Xenogears, enjoys painting, martial arts, and the company of his multiple-life-long girlfriend, Elly.
A day on board the MST Satellite...
Squall, Arthur and Fei sat around the breakfast table, munching bacon and eggs. Yuffie's voice could be heard from the bathroom.
"...I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world..."
Arthur clamps his hands over his ears, forgetting that he is currently holding a piece of bacon. "PLEASE make her stop!"
Squall looked up. "...I like it."
"You WOULD."
Fei grimaced. "Look out, she's heading for the high note..."
Fei and Arthur both dove under the table, scattering bacon and toast. After a few moments, an incredibly high-pitched note rings out, shattering the light bulbs over the breakfast table and showering Squall with broken glass.
"..." Squall picked shards of glass out of his coffee. Fei got up, picked up the breakfast dishes, and went to dump the ruined food. Arthur got to work replacing the broken bulbs, and Squall began fixing a new batch of bacon and eggs. After a few blissfully song-free minutes, Yuffie bounced out, beaming.
"Good morning, everyone! And how are you all today?"
All three grunted. Suddenly, a red light flashed and sirens whooped. Yuffie dashed to a control console.
"We get signal!"
Arthur looked over at her. "What?"
"Main screen turn on!"
A dark figure appeared on the screen. Fei gasped. "It's you!"
The figure chuckled. "How are you gentlemen! All your overused quotes are belong to us!"
Squall grimaced and facepalmed. "..."
Arthur stood there, holding his coffee. "You're early today."
"Indeed. I found this DELICIOUS little rant against a video game. It's so absurd I just HAD to share it with you."
Fei groaned. "Not another one! That last one took us a week to recover from! Well, which game is it against? Hopefully it's Zero Wing..."
The dark figure laughed. "No such luck, my friends. This is against Final Fantasy 8."
Squall put his hands on his hips. "I don't really think that's fair. I mean, shouldn't I sit this one out? I mean, seeing as how I have kind of a personal interest..."
"No, Squall, you're not getting out of this one. So enjoy... While you still have your sanity."
With that, the mysterious man disappeared from the screen and a green light started to flash. Yuffie jumped to her feet. "WE'VE GOT FIC SIGN!"
***DOOR SEQUENCE***
7: A series of doors like the ones in Alice in Wonderland. Yuffie crawls through and opens the door from the other side.
6: A bouncer protects the next door. Fei punches him in the nuts and they pass by.
5: A space robot. Arthur pushes it down the stairs. They continue.
4: A hamster. Squall knocks it flying with a golfer's swing of his gunblade.
3: A Stargate. They try unsuccessfully to punch in the coordinates for Earth, then shrug and go through.
2: A paper circle. All leap through like college football stars.
1: An airlock. The author ran out of imagination at this point.
All four enter and sit in seats. Popcorn and cola magically appears.
Yuffie: Hey, ever wonder why this guy's doing this to us? I think he wants to drive us insane so he can reprogram our minds and use us for his evil bidding.
Arthur: Yes, but what would he use YOU for? I think he's conducting an experiment to see just how much crappy writing we can stand.
Fei: He's obviously trying to drive us insane, but I think he just wants us to kill each other.
Squall: ...
Arthur: How 'bout you, Squall? What do you think?
Squall: ...He's bored.
Arthur, Fei and Yuffie: WHAT?!?
Squall: ...It's starting.
Yuffie: ...Arthur, there's a piece of bacon behind your ear...
Arthur: Uh, yeah, I'm... saving it for later.
I feel that it is time for me to say what I think needs to be said
Arthur: What, that you're a moron?
Fei: Hey, you don't even know what the guy's gonna say yet.
Arthur: Trust me, with HIM, this can't be good.
about what could safely be called one of Squaresoft's worst games ever
Yuffie: SaGa Frontier?
Arthur: SaGa Frontier 2?
Fei: Ehrgeiz?
Squall: Super Mario RPG?
Arthur: Hey, I enjoyed that one.
(for a non-portable system, that is. For a portable system, the worst
game made by SquareSoft would be Final Fantasy Legend III).
Arthur: WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY! LEMME AT HIM! LEMME AT HIM! I'LL TAKE HIM OUT! SEE HOW HE LIKES HAVING A NUKE SHOVED UP HIS ASS!
Fei: Hey, easy, easy... You can't hurt him from here...
Arthur: More's the pity.
Where to begin?
Arthur: HOW ABOUT TAKING YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, FOR STARTERS!
Yuffie: Hey, cool it! You're OOC!
Arthur: ...Bite me.
Well, first, there is the ridiculous magic system. Gone are the
Materia we thought would stay with us forever.
Yuffie: Heh, heh, not if _I_ have anything to say about it!
Instead we 'draw' and
'junction', something far more complicated than even the 'Elemental'
Materia for first-time FFVII users.
Fei: 'Apparently' this 'guy' hasn't actually 'played' FF8, he just 'listened' to people 'gripe'.
Arthur: And the 'Elemental' Materia is 'easy'. Just 'link' it to any other 'Materia' that has an 'elemental' 'affinity', like 'Fire'.
Yuffie: This 'guy' sure 'uses' a lot of 'quotation marks'.
Squall: Are 'you' quite 'done'?
Fei, Arthur, and Yuffie: ...
And you don't even use the magic you
draw/junction, for reasons explained below.
Squall: HUH? Now that just makes no sense.
Yuffie: What, is big bad Mr. Author scared his stats will go down if he uses his itsy-bitsy Fire Magic?
And the 'GF's. 'Guardian Force'. How stupid is that name!
Arthur: Well, I agree with him there...
Squall: Don't start taking his side.
Arthur: Don't worry.
And the
whole friggin' CONCEPT! Summon your monster. Let it fight and take damage
for you.
Yuffie: Isn't that the whole POINT of Summoning things?
Fei: Well, 8 introduced the whole 'Summoning time' thing, where your GF's HP replaced your own character's, thus allowing you to use the GF as a temporary shield. However, FFX looks like the Summon will completely replace your battle party and keep fighting, whereas...
Squall, Arthur, and Yuffie: O_o...
Fei: Aw, crap... x_x;
Squall, Arthur, and Yuffie: (Point and laugh) FANBOY!!!!
Then there is the 'boosting', where you repeatedly tap the Square
button, forcing you to concentrate on your fingers and not on the visual
summon.
Arthur: Umm, HELL-OO! Turbo Controller? Watch for the little 'X'? Don't learn 'Boost'? If you want pretty colors, go play Spyro!
And the summon is about five minutes long.
Squall: Only Eden, the rest are only about four minutes... ^_^
Arthur: Why, Squall! You just riffed your own game!
Squall: O_O;;
And most of the summons
are pretty damn funny-looking too.
Squall: Your mother!
Arthur, Fei, and Yuffie: O_o;;
Seems to me that Ifrit is a loooot like
'Satan Slam' from Vincent's Final Limit Break, Chaos, no? Does Shiva not
look a LOT like Jenova?
Yuffie: SAY WHAAAT?! Shiva, like JENOVA?!?! Is this guy BLIND!? Does Shiva have tentacles? Or cast Ultima? Or have a huge-ass HEART growing from her ass?!
Arthur: Hey, cool down!
Yuffie: And IFRIT LIKE CHAOS?!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING, YOU BLIND BASTARD!
She's no longer as graceful, gone are the
mysterious movements
Arthur: Hell, I've seen some 'mysterious movements' occur when Shiva's summoned...
Yuffie: (Whacks him on the head) PERV!
and the 'diamond dust'. Instead she blasts the
enimies with ice.
Squall: Duh, that's, like, what Shiva DOES...
Fei: Actually, Shiva is the Indian GOD of destruction, not a princess of ice. In the original mythology, Shiva is MALE, with quite a large number of arms... aw, crap...
Squall, Arthur, and Yuffie: FANBOY!!!
Speaking of Limit Breaks,
Squall: Were we speaking of Limit Breaks? Seems to me we were talking about GFs...
Arthur: Smile and nod, Squall. Just smile and nod...
you only get to use them when you're badly
damaged. And you get to use them constantly.
Squall: Why? Are YOU constantly badly damaged?
Arthur: Sure seems that way from his writing...
But to make them better, you
have to read all these magazines, instead of finding one piddling manual
somewhere, of which only two are difficult to get (Omnislash and Great
Gospel).
Yuffie: Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FRICKIN' HARD IT WAS TO GET ALL CREATION? I HAD TO WORK LONG AND HARD...
Arthur: *cough*onthestreetcorner*cough*
Yuffie: TO GET... (Turns to Arthur) Did you say something?
Arthur: Me? No, no...
Yuffie: Right. Anyway... I HAD TO WORK LONG AND HARD TO GET THAT LIMIT BREAK!!!
Squall: ...All you did was beat up your father.
Yuffie: Well, yeah... But it was really hard!
Actually being able to USE those manuals in VII, however, is far
harder
Arthur: Not really... *cough*GAMESHARK!*cough*
and that makes it worth it. Not to mention that Zell's Limits are
damn near those for Sabin's Skills, aren't they?
Fei: Well, yes, but that's because there's always been a character in the Final Fantasy games who is an adept at bare-knuckle or claw fighting. In 4, it was Yang. In 5, anyone you wanted. In 6, it was Sabin, Tifa in 7, Zell in 8, and Amarant, who was labelled Salamander in the Japanese version, but changed to Amarant when they couldn't fit in Salamander, in 9. It seems to be a continuing staple of the series, much like summoning and the use of the "Prologue" music piece... Oh, damn, I did it again...
Yuffie, Arthur, and Squall: FANBOY!!! ^_^
Then there is the plot. The opening FMV dosen't tie in very well with
the beginning of the game, as it does in VII. There's a fight between
Squall and Seifer. Then Squall wakes up in a medical room.
Squall: HELLO! I was hit in the face with a SWORD in that scene! Wouldn't you wake up in a medical room after you were hit in the face with a sword?
Fei: Actually, it was a gunblade, the distinction being that a gunblade has the firing mechanism of a gun attached to the base of... the... blade... Aw, hell...
Squall, Yuffie, and Arthur: FANBOY!
In VII, you see
a spectacular view of Midgar to a very original theme, which quickly turns
to something that fills you with a sense of urgency, as the camera zooms
down to the train station, where something attention grabbing happens
immediately.
Arthur: What, the sex scene between Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie?
Fei: Biggs and Jessie I can see, but Wedge? He's... um... fat.
Yuffie: (Smacks both of them) PERVERTS!
In VIII there's music that is a disturbing ripoff of
'One-Winged Angel' (dosen't matter if it's the same composer, it sounds as
though he remixed One-Winged!).
Yuffie: WHAT? REMIXED? WHY-YOU-LITTLE...
Squall: Hang on, Yuffie. Let's see if he's right.
(Squall begins humming the intro theme from the starting movie, and Yuffie begins humming One Winged Angel.)
Arthur: What do you think, Fei?
Fei: I think Yuffie's off-key.
And a lot of stuff with Rinoa in a field
or something with all these feathers.
Arthur: Field or something... Let's see, it's flat, grassy, and full of flowers. Looks like a field to me!
Fei: Actually, in that case it might make sense for Uematsu-sama to refit OWA to go there, since Rinoa's Limit, is, after all, Angel Wing... But why doesn't he use it more often when dealing with Rinoa? It would have made the game more interesting...
Anyway. So after a while you find out about the Sorceress or
something, and what's probably an original plot but is nonetheless rather
stupid.
Squall: (Rising out of his seat) WHAT?! STUPID? SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU POMPOUS ASS!
THE SORCERESS IS GOING TO COMPRESS TIME!!! Oh no! RUN!!!
Squall: ALL RIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT! Energy from beyond time, superheated plasma, FRY MY FOE! ULTIMA!!!!
(A blast of green energy engulfs the movie screen. When it clears, the scrren is unharmed.)
Squall: Nuts!
Arthur: Wasn't that the FFT way to cast?
Squall: Yeah, I figured I needed something to impress the BGs before they die...
As opposed to Sephiroth's planning to summon Meteor and go to the
Lifestream where he will become a God, or the whole thing with Kefka going
stark raving bonkers.
Yuffie: He's...
All: STARK RAVING MAD!!!
Sephiroth's plan will have an obvious effect on life
as we know it, but exactly what will compressing time accomplish?
Squall: Fei, you want to handle this one?
Fei: Gladly. See, compressing time would throw the entire space-time continuum out of alignment, thus causing strange temporal anomalies that would throw people backwards and forwards in time randomly, and probably mess up collision detection as well.
Arthur: Um... Collision detection?
Fei: Yes. To put it simply, you'd be stuck in a wall.
Arthur: Okay... Fanboy.
Not to mention that there seems to be the only plot line, whereas in
Final Fantasy VII, near the end of the game, say, the end of Disc Two,
there are at least four separate enemies that could want the party dead:
Sephiroth. Duh.
Jenova. Double duh.
Fei: Actually, Sephiroth was under the control of Jenova...
Shin-Ra.
The Planet itself. There are theories that the Planet destroys all
humanity at the end of the game, because humanity is, in essence, a
cancer. They've been sucking up the Planet's blood and giving nothing in
return. However, this can be debunked by the evidence of Cosmo Canyon,
there they do not use Mako and are trying to help the Planet.
Squall: Really. Let's see, I know it said somewhere (I forget the part) that if the angel found one good man in the city of Sodom, God would spare it. Well, he destroyed the city anyway, and even turned Lot's wife into a damn pillar of salt! Take that, Cosmo-boy!
And there's no deliberately closed ending. Instead of the cool shot
of Midgar with all the vines and stuff, and Sephiroth vanishing into
Lifestream and things, that allow the writing of so many great fanfics, we
have a happy little ending. That's ridiculously long.
Arthur: What, so you can't write good FF8 fanfics? Quick poll: How many people here have read the work of Soul Hunter? (All hands go up) Astarte? (Again, all hands) How about TacomaSquall? (All hands up AGAIN) That's what I thought. See, if HE would send up some stuff by them, we would be left speechless.
Fei: Well, now, I think we might be able to find SOMETHING to say occasionally...
Squall: No offense, Yuffie, but you know why 8's better than 7? 8 doesn't have those little chibi characters, and you can see everyone when you're walking around in town.
'But wait! FFVIII hasn't got chibi characters! Everyone is there when
you're walking around!' you say?
All: AHHHHH! THE AUTHOR IS OUT TO GET US!!!
1: Hasn't got chibi characters. What, chibi characters are a bad thing?
The chibi characters can convey emotions far more effectively than
something realistic.
Arthur: Really. Cloud has no nose, mouth, ears, or eyebrows. All he can do is sit there and blink.
Yuffie: Well, Squall only has two facial expressions: Pout and frown. ^_^
(Squall pouts, then frowns)
2: Everyone is there when you're in a town or something. This is VERY
annoying, and makes it hard to see the room.
All: L4M3R! W3 W1LL H40R J00! ^_^
3: Those Metal Gear Solid-esque characters are scratchy, and don't have
really descriptive facial features.
Arthur: See above riff about the chibi characters.
Squall: Really, now. Look at this mesh! Do you see any polygon lapping going on here?
Yuffie: Yes, in your hair. It sometimes goes right into your face. And just where do you put your gunblade?
Squall: -_-;;
This is, I find, true also in IX,
although in IX they're chibi again, albeit with enormous wrists for some
reason.
Arthur: You wanna know why they have enormous wrists? PRINCESS GARNET! OW! (Yuffie begins beating on Arthur) Ow! Ooh! Ohch! Yeek! Ow, not there, not there!
Yuffie: AND STAY THAT WAY!
The characters.
It's fairly obvious at the start that Squall is pretty much Cloud,
isn't he? Same sort of name, same personality.
Squall: Really, we're nothing alike. Cloud only says 'Whatever' about three times.
Even has a mysterious link
with another character. Cloud - Sephiroth. Squall - Laguna.
Squall: What's so mysterious? He's my DAD. This guy must have failed his Algebra class.
Arthur: Why do you say that?
Squall: Extrapolation.
Fei: Now THAT was an obscure riff.
Selphie is the obvious Yuffie character,
Yuffie: WHAT!!!
in fact, they even look the
same.
Yuffie: WHAT!!! Why you...
The only think missing is Yuffie's motion sickness
Yuffie: ARRRRGHH!! Power of ancestors, might of heaven! ALL CREATION!!
(An enormous beam of rainbow light roars from Yuffie towards the screen. Again, the screen is unharmed.)
Yuffie: DAMN!
(Selphie drives
the Ragnarok, the dumbest looking Airship I've seen yet. And I've seen the
Talon, fer Crissakes!).
Arthur and Squall: WHAT?!
Squall: The Ragnarok looks a hell of a lot better than that stealth fighter ripoff!
Arthur: HEY!
Yuffie: I have to agree with Squall here, Arthur. That red dragon ship is just so KAWAII!
Zell...well, where to begin? Too immature, and he's really just the
image of the classical teenager: a little ass who likes to fight and eat.
Obviously a takeoff on Sabin (Food! Bring me all ya got!).
Squall: Heh, he's got it there...
Irvine is a LOT like Vincent...the gun, the hair, the clothes, but
otherwise he's different.
Yuffie: RIIGHT... Hair, clothes, gun, otherwise he's different? Gag me with a Buntline... Besides, have you compared those two? The only thing even SIMILAR is the gun.
Quistis...first, it's a stupid name.
Arthur: I always imagine her as having kind of a british accent, and pronouncing it "KEEST-is". You know, kind of like the lady on "The Weakest Link."
Fei: Man, she is HOT!
Squall: Who, Quistis or the "Weakest Link" chick?
Fei: Either one!
Yuffie: AHHHH! I'M SURROUNDED BY PERVERTS!
Arthur: Get used to it, sweetcheeks. I've seen those picturs of you and Barret...
Yuffie: AHH! Those were faked!
She reminds me of Lucretia for
some reason. She totally screws up the party's plan to assasinate Edea.
Fei: Actually, it was IRVINE who screwed up the plan to assassinate Edea, since he hadn't been using the GFs for as long as the others had, thus he remembered that Edea was really the Matron of their orphanage, who had reared them from childhood. Thus, his feelings interfered with the way of the sniper, causing him to hesitate. This allowed Edea to guess that something was up, and erect a Protect spell. Aw, nuts... x_x;;? o_o?
Squall, Yuffie, and Arthur: What? Did you really think we were going to yell 'FANBOY!' every time you said something like that?
Rinoa. Daddy's little girl. Disobeys her father and goes to try and
stop Edea, but turns into the classical RPG female and needs Squall to
come rescue her.
Arthur: Yeah, Squall! Didn't you get sick of rescuing that ditz time after time?
Squall: Yeah. I even tried to leave her on the railroad bridge at Fisherman's Horizon, but the damn train wouldn't come!
Not to mention that her Limit Beak is just plain DUMB.
She summons her DOG. One of her Limits involves her having this dog (who
appears to be a golden retriever, and thus weighing about 100 pounds) jump
onto her arm and she shoots the poor creature at the enemies.
Yuffie: (As Zone) Rinoa, PETA is on the line, they want to speak to you...
Oookay...
And of course there are those things that are disturbing Red XIII
clones! Moombas or whatever. And you CAN'T say they don't look like our
beloved Nanaki! They're practically alike! Jeeeeez!
Squall: O_o
Arthur: ~_~
Yuffie: @_@
Fei: o_O
Squall: Hey, I did that one!
Fei: No, you did O_o, I did o_O!
Where are the Moogles?
Squall: EVER HEAR OF MINIMOG!?!?!
And now the weapons.
First, Squall and Seifer's 'gunblades'.
How stupid can this be? First, the damn thing would need to have the
blade split in half to allow the bullet to get beyond the firing chamber.
The gun has no barrel, which would result in an accurate firing range of
about one meter. The handle of the weapon is placed in such a fashion so
that holding the sword and attacking with it at the same time would be
impossible, except to stab. They slash. And that thing where you can fire
it as you slash? The bullet wouldn't hit the enemy! And the damn thing is
ugly as sin.
Fei: Actually, the gunblade might be a rather effective weapon. The bullet, when fired, sets up a vibration in the blade. Thus acting like someone had stuck the sword in you and twisted. As for not being able to slash, he apparently hasn't looked at the Hyperion. Actually, both gunblades are perfect for an overhand or backhand strike, which is just the way they're built.
Squall: And I get about one meter away before I swing the thing! SHEEZE!
Arthur: Yeah! Try pistol-whipping someone with the barrel of a gun! It works great!
Fei, Squall, and Yuffie: O_o, o_O, and ~_~ respectively
Arthur: What?
Squall: And ugly as sin? Sure, the Flame Saber and Twin Lance aren't that easy on the eyes, but apparently this guy hasn't seen the LIONHEART! I'm about ready to give him a nice close-up view myself.
That...thing that Quistis uses.
Yuffie: I think it's called a... whip?
Oooh, a whip! Kinky!
All: AHHH! THE AUTHOR IS OUT TO GET US!
The same goes for Selphie, pretty much.
What the hell is Rinoa trying to do, be like Xena? Who are they
trying to fool?
All: ???
Yuffie: OH! He's referring to the whole throwing-the-boomerang-frisbee-of-death-at-them thing! Hell, I do that, and he doesn't object to me!
I guess that a die-hard Final Fantasy fan would ignore these in the
face of all the FMVs the game has.
Arthur: I SPIT in the face of all the FMVs this game has!
I'm a traditionalist. I think that an FMV should be used only when
it's a really momentous occasion. The escape from Midgar, the falling of
the Sector 7 Plate, the theft of the Tiny Bronco, the emotional scene with
Red and Seto, the Gold Saucer FMV when you're on the date, Aeris' death,
the whole North Crater thing when Shin-Ra is there and WEAPON awakes,
WEAPON destroying a lot of Shin-Ra Tower, the theft of the Highwind, the
final video.
Squall: Let's see... How about every time you enter or leave Gold Saucer, whenever you go up and down in that stupid lift thing of Bugenhagen's, et cetera...
They shouldn't be thrown about willy-nilly and all over,
Parasite Eve fashion, so that you lose all respect for them and they don't
mean as much.
Arthur: Really, now, insulting Parasite Eve? He's done it this time. NO ONE INSULTS PARASITE EVE AND LIVES! Ancient weapon, sealed power of the atom... NUKE!
(A blast of atomic energy envelops the screen. It is unharmed for the most part, but it is beginning to blacken around the edges.)
Arthur: ALL RIGHT!
Fei: I got next.
The only FMV I like in FFVIII is the Sorceress' Parade. You
know, with her on the float that looks deliciously like an altar,
Arthur: A sacrificial altar! With the blood channels and convenient resting place for the heart...
(Squall, Yuffie, and Fei edge away from Arthur)
Arthur: What? Was it something I said?
and the
delightful music* that brings to mind One-Winged Angel before you knew
what the words were and the only part you were sure about was
'Sephiroth!'?
Fei: ~Estuans interius, ira vehementi... Sephiroth! Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias... Sors immanis, et inanis... Sephiroth!~
Yuffie: Do you actually know what those mean?
Fei: Well, only the "Great ire" part, and the "Come, come, oh come"... I saw a translation somewhere, but those two were the only parts that stuck...
* The words to this are:
Fithos, Lusec, Wecos, Vinosec.
Meaning, 'Sucession of Witches'
Squall: DUH! Hey, how's he know what they mean?
Fei: It's one of those eternal mysteries of fandom... Lots of people knowwhat they mean, but no one can tell you where they found out...
Speaking of Edea, she's the only character who I have ANY respect
for, since she reminds me of Sephiroth in a way, until she's not the
Sorceress anymore.
Squall: Really, how superficial! Not liking someone simply because they're not evil anymore? For shame!
Now I'm going to bitch about the music.
Yuffie: OH PLEASE DO!
Squall: HEY!
The only music in the whole game that I like is 'The Legendary Beast'
(when you fight Ultemecia-Griever or whatever it's called...I just call it
'Ultimiever'...)
Arthur: GRIEVAMECIA!
Squall: ULTIMER!
Yuffie: GREICIA!
Fei: ULTIMAVER!
All: ...
and the music during the Sorceress' parade. The only
reason I liked the Legendary Beast at first was when I got it from Napster
and the file path said FFVII.
Fei: NEVER TRUST NAPSTER! Power of aeons, death of galaxies... BIG BANG!
(Camera pans away from Earth, shows shot of galaxy. Enormous beam shoots through galaxy. Cut back to Earth, beam cuts through Earth, explodes Earth and moon. Fade back to theater, screen is smoking and curled at the edges.)
Fei: AWWW YEEEAAAHHH!
Plus, the name reminded me of WEAPON. As
soon as I heard it I was captivated by the sort of...uh, ethereal
whistly-noise that took up a large part of it, and the sound that was a
lot like a hammer smashing into an anvil.
Arthur: That sound was the dignity of gamers everywhere hitting bottom.
Cool!, I thought. Obviously this
wasn't from VII, but I thought it could be from V or maybe VI (VI from
Anthology). I was damn sure that it was from VI.
All: L4M3R!!!
Then I find that it's
from VIII. I think, no worry, it's by the best composer of all time.
Yuffie: Aqua?
Squall: Limp Bizkit?
Arthur: Dust for Life?
Fei: John Tesh?
Then
I heard a lot of the other music from VIII. I was apalled. Everything else
was horrible, particulary the boss music! You can appreciate the edgy,
pulse-quickening strains of the boss music from VII, but this was AWFUL!
Arthur: Gotta agree with im there...
And the Chocobo music...I just won't go into that. It's like the Chocobo
music from Final Fantasy Adventure (for GameBoy). Ick.
Arthur: What, you have something against chocobos? NO ONE INSULTS MY GAME BOY BRETHREN!
Yuffie: Sit down, Arthur. Only one screen attack per character per fic.
Arthur: *sigh* Just one teeny Flare?
Fei: NO.
At least FFIX is
better. That music is a synthesis of a lot of Final Fantasy music, for
example, the battle music which has the bass from VI's battle music, and
so on.
Squall: Well, yes... But that's no excuse to ridicule 8!
At one point you hear the Shin-Ra parade music.
Yuffie: Yeah, but it's not done very well. They had cymbals, drum, and trumpet! How'd they do the whole thing?
And now, the script. I'm going to say that the script was strange at
best. Not that VII's wasn't! But a large amount of VIII is Squall
thinking, of all things.
Squall: ...Bite me.
At least Ultimecia has her mandatory good line,
being 'Griever! Make them bleed!'. But this is true for all villains:
Sephiroth: You have no heart and cannot feel any pain. Traitor. Soon I
shall return to the Promised Land...
Yuffie: You know, if you haven't played the game, you'dthink all those lines were consecutive...
Kefka: Then...welcome to my barbecue! Vwee hee hee! Run, run, or you'll be
well done!
Arthur: That last one's my personal favorite. Now if only Kefka had some fashion sense...
And that's all I can think of right now. I really don't give a rat's ass
about X-Death, and could care less about Kuja, who seems to be mighty
close to Sephiroth, eh?
Yuffie: Pardon? I hate to put down Seph, but Kuja had much larger plans! And he actually DID destroy the world. At least, one of them... So did Exdeath!
Except Kuja needs a dragon (with feathered wings,
yet!) to fly, wheras Seph needs no artificial aid constructed by those
puny humans for aerial movement.
Fei: (Seph) ~I'm saaaaaaiiiilllling aawaaaaayyyy...~
Arthur: Uh, Styx? Why did it have to be Styx...
See why FFVIII sucks...
MIDI playing: The Legendary Beast
Squall: Oh, no! He's got MIDIs set up! RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW!
...
...
...
Arthur: You know, I think that's the end.
Fei: Really. Ended rather weakly, don't you think?
Yuffie: Let's get out of here before they start the second showing!
***REVERSE DOOR SEQUENCE***
As the four return to the main room, visibly shaken, the dark man reappears.
Man: Well, my 'friends', how did you like it?
Arthur mimes vomiting.
Man: Good, good. Now, before we end this, let's finish on the same note we started with... AHEM! You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha........
Yuffie: Captain!
Squall: Take off every 'ZIG'
Arthur: You know what you doing.
Fei: Move 'ZIG'
All: FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
.END.
Well, what did you think? This is my first MSTing, so criticism is appreciated. Might be more if I get good reviews!
---------------------------
And most of the summons
are pretty damn funny-looking too. Seems to me that Ifrit is a loooot like
'Satan Slam' from Vincent's Final Limit Break, Chaos, no? Does Shiva not
look a LOT like Jenova?