Author's Note: Based on a rp
A letter from Sirius Black to Marlene McKinnon
Marly (because I know you hate being called Marlene),
I've never been good with words. That was always Moony's thing. You know that, but, right now, I thought I'd try and make an exception.
You're beautiful Marls, and I probably sound like a hopeless romantic *cough* Prongs, but...you were my everything and you were everything I ever wanted, even if I didn't realize it at first. 'Course, in school I always thought you were hot. You were on the Quidditch team and you made a heck of a beater, not to mention you had a hell of a body, from your blonde hair to your curves. I was 16 when I started to fancy you and started waiting for you outside the locker rooms after matches or practices. (Merlin, I can't tell you how many times I've imagined you in there. Ahh, hormones). Then we started dating. Honestly, the first time I snogged you was brilliant. I'm surprise we didn't go all the way to shagging. Would've been fun. Remember that time when we shagged in the library? 'Course it was an hour past midnight and there was no one there but I couldn't look at that one table without snickering. The mates thought I was mental.
Then Lily and James got together and I don't know what it was, hormones, sexual tension-probably a lot of both, but I'm pretty sure they shagged in a broom closet when they disappeared that night after the Quidditch match-which you were brilliant in, I must say. Somehow you make Quidditch robes looks sexy. If only Hogwarts let the girls play naked, eh? Just imagining your blonde hair blowing in the wind as you smack a bludger into Mulciber's nose. Ha, brilliant!
But back to the 'everything' part. It's true. You were beautiful on the inside and out. You were spunky, you didn't take 'no' for an answer. You were smart, you were an aspiring healer. You were brave and you joined the Order like a true Gryffindor...and you were stubborn. Oh Merlin, you were so stubborn. You wouldn't listen.
I think you loved me-no, I know you loved me. You told me so. A couple weeks before Lily and James's wedding, you got mad at me. I don't even remember why but somehow, it got to the topic of commitment. James and Lily had had a row a couple months before similar to this. James, Remus, and I, we went on a mission to save the Daily Prophet at some un-godly hour in the morning. We got the emergency printing from the paper and seconds after, Shacklebolt sent us a patronus. We had to go. The staff was being held hostage. There was a ransom for the Minister. I never told you that. I never told you how and why I was at the Prophet and why I was hexing the balls off Death Eaters with James and Remus. Lily was pregnant then and I guess you were watching her but somehow, she saw the Prophet and the next thing I knew, she was at the building hexing Death Eaters alongside us. She got hit. Prongs was hysterical and he brought her home. I followed awhile later and after Lily was healed she and Prongs got in an argument. Apparently the mission was the last straw for Lily. Moony's transformations had been getting worse and she had had enough. They started shouting and soon she left and James was so messed up that we went drinking, he went home with a girl but didn't do anything. The two had another row before Remus and I had to go in and the two made up.
Then we had our row. You...you wanted to get married. You wanted a long-term relationship. Me? I had never been in a relationship for more than a month or two. We had been dating for 8 months. It was shocking but I felt different about you. I thought I really liked you but now that I look back on it...I loved you. We stayed together and we shagged. A few weeks later, I got hurt again by Moony's werewolf, only this time it was my stomach, not my leg. Merlin, that would've sucked. I hated not walking. You healed me. I would've died and you saved me and I don't think I ever truly told you how grateful I was. You did so much for me. You loved me. I know you did. You wanted to settle down and I was still a stupid bloody bachelor. Awhile later, you brought home some tests and they were positive. You were pregnant. We got in another row but we made up later that day. And we shagged-again. I was going to stick by you. I promise I was. I wasn't lying when I told you that I wasn't going to run away. Like I said then, it was just unexpected but not impossible.
Then so many things happened at once. On James and Lily's wedding, we danced and I had never felt so comfortable. I started thinking about the future. Maybe I was ready for marriage. I was even thinking of getting you a ring. But as the day turned to night and I know James and Lily were about to shag, something happened. Lily had problems with Harry and she was going into labor. I called a Healer who said she had to be transported to St. Mungo's by an alternate route. Sounded like bull to me when James told me he wasn't allowed to with him and bloody hell we were right! Voldemort had taken her but we didn't know then. You and I went to St. Mungo's just to be sure and you asked me "What do we now, Sirius?" I didn't know but I tried to stay confident for you. We apparated home and James came up with this idea on how to track Lily and we found out she was at Malfoy Manor. I didn't want to let you go...but you didn't listen and before I could stop you, you had already apparated. We found Lily and we fought Voldemort but I didn't see you after you had apparated-not until I saw you in your bed at St. Mungo's a few hours after the battle. They found you in a room in Malfoy Manor. You had been crucio-ed multiple times and you had lost our baby. You were in critical condition. You kept drifting in and out of consciousness and I nearly bit that one Healer's head off when they wouldn't let me in to see you. I got in though and moved to your side, taking your hand.
"Marls?" I asked. Your voice made me want to sob. "S-Sirius?" you croaked.
I apologized over and over again and then...I told you I loved you. Finally. Your eyes were shutting and I told you it to keep you awake. You smiled softly, whispering "I love you too, Sirius." And I thought there was chance you would pull through. "Atta girl" I said. And then you went limp. I froze. I started shouting desperately at you to wake up. But you wouldn't. I remember the Healer's pushing me to the side as I kissed you frantically, begging you to wake up between sobs. Then they told me you were gone. I didn't believe them. I couldn't. I shouted and shouted until finally it actually hit me. You were gone. They gave me five minutes and I sat down next to you. "I'm sorry Marls...I'm sorry I couldn't save you." I kissed you. "I love you, Marlene McKinnon," I said against your lips before I drew myself away. I went into a trance and somehow I found myself in the hallway sitting next to Sirius. It was July 31st, 1980. And half an hour after you died, Harry was born and when I held him, I could feel you. You and our unborn child. What we could've been. What we should've been.
I'm sorry Marly McKinnon. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I wish you had stayed home. Today, we could be celebrating our daughter's birthday. That's what the Healer said, remember? June 15, due date for our daughter. How do I know our baby was going to be a girl? You visited me, holding her in your arms. In a dream of course, though I wish it wasn't. I wish it was real. I wish you were Marlene Black. I wish we were a family. Merlin, there are so many things I wish but I'm glad one of them wasn't that I had told you I loved you. Because I already did that and that is one thing that won't weigh on my conscience. Because I can't forget you Marls. Not now, not ever. I love you Marly and I hope somehow you can know that even though I never told you until your last moments. Don't forget me Marly. I won't forget you. I can sense something is coming. Something's wrong. But I swear I'll avenge you. The man who killed you will see justice and if I die trying...trying to protect Harry, my friends...then I'll see you again, won't I? Save a place in your heart for me McKinnon or bloody hell I'll snog you in Heaven to make you remember.
Your Padfoot with love forever,
Sirius Black
P.S. I'll see you soon
June 15 1996
Author's Note: So recently I've been doing a bit of role play and I needed to get this off my chest so sorry if a lot of it doesn't make sense. I thought I'd publish it just in case I lose it. If you like it, thanks. If you don't...well thanks for reading anyway.