The Following Trailer Is Rated NM For No Mercy!
From the only financially successful hippie in the history of the world, comes a pile of televised, earth-kissing crap, that existed long before Al Gore made environmentalism trendy.
Captain Planet and the Planteers!
Travel back in time to the early 90s, when evil corporations and capitalists were, apparently, on the verge on bringing the earth to its knees. (Huh, I have no memory of that)
When these evil capitalists awaken the Flower Child god, Gaia, her royal hippieness decides, in typically hippie fashion, to dump her responsibilities on someone else, and places the fate of the world in the hands of five ethnically diverse and horribly underqualified teenagers, bestowing upon them the powers of earth, wind, fire, water, and… heart, because Ted Turner was too goddamn lazy to think of a fifth superpower. Good god, a lobotomized zombie high on Crystal Meth could have come up with a better power than that!
When these "Champions" of humanity inevitably find themselves outmatched by everything and everyone in every single episode, they must combine their powers and summon environmental Superman ripoff Captain Planet, who looks more like the point man at a gay pride parade than a superhero.
Together, this colorful squad of not quite/kinda/maybe/not really/sorta/questionable/halfass/cheap/dollarstore heroes must face off against the lamest rogues gallery ever assembled, including: a radioactive mutant in a Hawaiian shirt and flip flops, an evil God with a Bruce Campbell chin, and a giant rat voiced by Jeff Goldblum.
But it's not just about fighting Oil Barons and the unwashed, dime store cousin of Mickey Mouse. Watch as the Planeteers boldly go where no sober man has gone before, and devote an entire episode to teaching kids about Aids, bravely educating young children on the dangers of blood transfusions, hypodermic needles, and unprotected sex. What? Isn't that what public television is supposed to be teaching children who haven't even hit puberty?
So blast off into a show that set the bar for children's entertainment to an all time low, but still holds a substantial fanbase among ex-hippies and stoners, leading to dark rumors about a live action remake looming on the horizon. Pray that we are spared.
Starring:
Captain Briefs- Captain Planet
Not Black Panther- Kwame
Git- Gi
Svetlana Stalin- Linka
Ginger Spice- Wheeler
The Eternal Meme- Ma-Ti
Captain Green-Peace!
I must admit, that while Captain Planet set a low, low bar for children's entertainment, some of the stuff coming out these days makes it look like a goddamn masterpiece.