I Remember

Summary - Bella has been a vampire for decades and is remembering her father, Charlie

"After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead."

Edward warned me. He tried to make me think about Charlie and Renee right from the first. But I could only see the bliss of being with him fully. No more Superman saving Lois Lane; we would be equals.

Even Rosalie told me I was choosing wrong. But I had no doubt about what my only choice would be, my only option.

My life was transformed being with Edward and I was impatient for my body to catch up. I saw no other way forward and didn't want anything else.

I got my wish. I have my love, my daughter, my new family and the power to protect them.

But I lost my mother and my father along with my humanity. Renee was killed with Phil in a car crash that took them both in an instant. I was sad and I still miss them, but losing Charlie was a different kind of pain. It built up, day after day as he aged. It burst through me when he breathed his last and it has continued to ache each time I remember him.

Everyone has tried to help, allow me time, distance or tenderness; whatever I've needed. But it does not go away.

This year when I visited his grave I placed a poem under the stone memorial instead of putting flowers in the metal vase.

My Dad Charlie

I hate Father's Day

I hate thinking about every small child making a crap homemade gift

All the ties and hammers sold out at the store because no one else can think of any other gift

I could never come up with anything more creative than lures or a new net

Who could hate a day to celebrate dads?

It's great if you've got one still, but all of my human family is now dead

Guess Edward was right about vampiric regret

Didn't think about the long term then

Just too wrapped up in his spell, entranced by his love

Couldn't see the trees for the forest on this one – too caught up in my forest, my Edward

Didn't think I'd miss one of those trees as much as I do

Maybe it's not the holiday I hate so much as the tears

All the damn crying

And the hurt, the loss and the regret

But mostly the memories

Why do some stay clear when others have faded into the dim haze of my human past?

It was 1909

Sonora Smart Dodd in little Spokane, across the mountains in Eastern Washington

She came home from church inspired

Thought dads deserved some recognition too

Even nominated her own dad's birthday as the date

Got people to wear roses in their honor

Red for the living, White for the dead

Charlie was the best of fathers

Kind and firm, but not overbearing

High expectation and the gift of freedom- to fail or fly

He listened

He knew, even when I didn't, just what I needed

Yet fumbled and tripped through unexpectedly serious conversations

Anything really - other than fishing or football

I wish I could like Father's Day again

I've got people to honor who deserve recognition

Grandpa Swan and Dad

I could even do a red rose for Carlisle – though he might dispute the living part

He's not my biological father, but certainly a source of paternal comfort

A blessed gift, having that man for my father in law

I've been more fortunate than most with such admirable father figures

I admire Sonora but I still hate Father's Day

Maybe I'm stuck in my grief but at least I acknowledge the pain

Does that mean I am healing?

I can walk through the old house in Forks without always thinking of him

I can admire his picture in the police station and his name on the plaque above his old office door

I don't break down on his birthday

But as soon as Father's Day rolls around, I spark

With anger, resentment and pain as if the loss was fresh again, not decades old

Bella Swan Cullen