She was my sister, perhaps not the most prominent of us all, but my sister nonetheless. She was young, older than me, but still youthful. And I couldn't begin to understand how she could bear to leave, or why she hated us so much that she had to pass on to another realm to be free of us. I didn't understand her way of thinking when she was alive, and I certainly don't expect to now. But I will try, in memory of her, I will try.
She was the oldest-- fifteen years separated the two of us-- but we were the closest. Yet we were different as day was from night, her being the incandescent beauty of the night, silent and mysterious; me being the brighter day, cheerful and optimistic. At least, that was how others saw us. Me, I'd say we were little more than people who didn't know how to express ourselves.
Anyhow, 'nee-chan often spoke to me in that enigmatic way of hers, though she never confided in me. Her confidante was a little blue book, written in a special code. Or so I assumed, for 'nee-chan didn't mind the slightest where she left it-- an unusual trait for one of the Imonoyamas, where anything and everything could be used against you. So I just assumed that it was something carefully coded, which wouldn't be hard for her. 'nee-chan was part of the highly guarded government team that decoded-- and encoded-- top security items of various countries. Mother hadn't liked her job, but 'nee-chan loved it. I still remember how she had looked when she had gotten her first assignment: her face had been flushed, and her eyes alight with excitement; neither could I forget that look of satisfaction upon her face when she spoke to me of her job.
"It's really all about secrets, Nokoru-san," she said laughingly when I asked her how she did it. Her eyes were distant, almost as though she were living in a memory. "Think of how folks will think, and you'll see the order in it."
That didn't make the slightest sense to me then, but I think I'm starting to understand it now. Codes were like 'nee-chan, elusive and aloof, hiding secrets beyond imagination. Work it right, and all would be revealed-- that was nee-chan for you. If only I had figured it out earlier... if only I had taken the trouble, then perhaps nee-chan would be sitting here by my side, giving me more things to puzzle about. If only...
Perhaps the first signs were the faint creases that marred her smooth forehead. 'nee-chan never frowned-- there was no need to-- she had a wonderful brain. Those ugly lines should have been indication enough that something was wrong. But I threw away that chance that the heavens had given me to save her life-- I missed them.
The heavens were kind-- they offered me a second chance-- but I was blind. 'nee-chan's sleeping patterns began to change. Not very drastically, but it should have been enough. I ought to have realised that the nightingale will never become a lark, and when 'nee-chan began to rest early, warning bells should have sounded. But it didn't. I must have lost my eyes and my ears, and that cost me my sister. 'nee-chan was dying slowly on the inside, and I never noticed.
Two weeks later, I passed by her room, and saw her standing in front of an open window, the curtains billowing gently. I should have realised that something was wrong-- 'nee-chan hated the chill, and the weather, though mild, was chilly by her standards. Instead, I merely asked like the fool I was, "What are you doing, 'nee-chan?"
She had started then, distracted. "Nokoru-san?" She half-turned, her face softening into a smile, the gold of her hair making her look angelic. "Come on over here."
I should have held my ground then, said no, and told her to step away from the window. I could have asked if she wanted to go for a walk, and maybe shown her the wonders around. I could have reminded her that at the end of a storm is a golden sky, and life was always worth living. I should have done something. Instead, I entered her room and stood by that accursed window with her, waiting for her to speak as she always did. She took longer this time.
"Nokoru-san, have you ever wondered what the wind feels like?"
It might have seemed like a weird question to anyone else, but I had long since accepted the fact that 'nee-chan's questions weren't "normal" by usual standards. If only I had been someone else. Instead, I considered her question, and replied the best I could.
"It would be gentle, and cool, I guess." Stupid answer... did I force her out? Did I tempt her to try it out for herself?
She had that familiar faraway look in her eyes. "Hm... tell me, Nokoru-san, what makes us fall?"
It was such a simple question that I was taken-aback. 'nee-chan was asking a question like that? I would have expected it of someone my age-- you don't think of some things at five-- but not 'nee-chan. 'nee-chan knew the answers; wasn't that why she had been the youngest person ever enlisted by any government board?
"'nee-chan?"
She didn't seem to hear me; she had that dreamy look about her. "Shall we try an experiment, Nokoru-san?"
"What kind of an experiment?" 'nee-chan was known for doing weird experiments.
She paused for a minute, clearly thinking hard. "Let's throw something down and see if we can explain why it falls." She peered out of the window. "We're only ten stories up, so we don't need to use anything too big. How about that?"
It was too easy. How could I have missed that? I sealed her fate-- I nodded.
"Ok, why don't you go look for something? Nothing too large, mind." I nodded, and would have missed the finale, had I not popped my head back in. "'nee-chan, do you think..." I stopped in mid-sentence, trying to register what I saw. 'nee-chan had hoisted herself up onto the windowsill and both her legs were dangling into space. "'Nee-chan!"
She turned her head one last time, the first-- and last-- smile ever. She raised a hand to her lips, and blew me a kiss. "Love you always," she whispered, and launched herself out of the window.
By the time I had reached the window, she had cut through the air, and was hurtling fast towards the ground below. There was thud, and then silence. "'nee-chan!"
It wasn't till much later that I found out why she had jumped: 'nee-chan had been diagnosed with cancer, and was in the terminal stages.
"You should always live life to the fullest, Nokoru-san. A half-life isn't worth having at all."
'nee-chan.. if I had known, if I had asked, would you have lived that half-life for me? Would you have lingered till that preordained day? 'nee-chan, couldn't you have stayed longer?
"Oh! Nokoru-san, look at that flower? Isn't it pretty?" another one of my sisters asked, pointing at a delicate-looking flower.
"Oh! Nokoru-san, look at that flower? Isn't it pretty?" The same words 'nee-chan had asked me a year ago. I looked at the flower, remembering. Then, I made up my mind, and hesitated no more. I climbed over the low wall, and reached down and plucked it gently. Holding my prize before me, I swept into a low bow.
"For you, my good lady."
She looked surprised, then smiled happily, "Thank you."
"No, thank you." The lump in my throat grew.
'nee-chan had not wanted a half-life, I remembered. And in that single moment a vow was made. I'll make sure none of them will ever live the half-life 'nee-chan had not wanted.