Okay. So, for those of you who read my story "Fate" I am incredibly sorry for not updating. I hit a little snafu with my next chapter and I have to go back and re-write them. So, I figured it's about time that I share this with you all. I've had this story saved in my documents for along time and have debated whether or not to even post it. Mostly because the show has ended and I don't know how many of you are actually still reading and partially because I have been very adamant about being team Reamy. But here I am and here it is. It is a one-shot, but, if you like it, I have one other story that is about 75% done that I could post if this is well received.
Enjoy.
Home
Where do you feel at home? What is home?
9-18-2022
What is home?
That question has been running through my mind for the past week, and I still don't have an answer.
I haven't been back to Austin in three months. Three very long agonizing months. Sure, being away has definitely given me the time I needed to get over Karma, but, at the same time it has allowed for me to have some major revelations. Revelations about myself, about my family, about Austin and about Karma and our relationship. Leaving Austin was the worst decision I have ever made. Scratch that. It's the second (we'll get to that later). And being back is only making that more clear.
I should have never left. I should have fought. Sometimes I stay up late staring at the ceiling or sky and wonder what would have happened if I would have fought harder. What would have happened if I stayed. But now the only thing I'm wondering is, if it's too late. I'm getting a little ahead of myself though. I need to take a step back and start from the beginning.
6-18-2022
Today is the day. Seventeen years ago today, I met the person who would turn my life upside down and her name is Karma Ashcroft. Sure we have had our ups and downs (who could forget Karmygeddon) but we're back on track now, or better yet on a whole new track. A track that I wouldn't trade for anything (even a lifetime supply of donuts). And this track is going places. Amazing places!
We're done with the high school bullshit. We're done with college and the experimentation that comes with it. We're done pretending. We're done walking around in circles, pretending like we can avoid the inevitable. We've "officially" been together for two and a half years but others can argue that we've been together since we were five. But out of all that time, I honestly can say these past two years have been my favorite and probably the best two years of my life. And I don't want that feeling to end. Which is why I want to give today more meaning and ask the love of my life to marry me.
I have the whole day planned. Every element leading to the perfect proposal. Every stop, every clue, every gift has been strategically thought of and planned out. And boy was that hard but not nearly as hard as today will be. For everything to work I can't be with Karma today while she goes on the best scavenger hunt I have ever made her. I have to be sure to be a few steps ahead of her to make sure today goes off without a hitch and it breaks my heart that I can't see her reaction to everything.
Karma POV
Even after two and a half years of waking up next to Amy, I still can't get enough. I still can't get use to it. Something feels different about today though. Something doesn't feel right and as I roll over to face her I quickly realize why. Amy's nowhere to be seen or felt, the bed is cold and it looks like it hasn't even been slept in. I quickly get out of bed and run out of the bedroom fearing the worst. And my fears are proven right when I find the apartment completely empty. She left. She left me. I mean it all makes sense. Her distance, her putting up walls and now the empty bed. I can't believe she did this. I can't believe she broke her promise. Just as I'm about to call her, I hear a knock on the door. Opening it, trying to hold back the tears, I find myself staring at Lauren.
"Amy told me to give this to you."
I watch as she extends her hand giving me a small white envelope.
"Where is she? Why isn't she here?"
"Just read the letter."
"Where are you going? Why aren't you staying."
"I have to go. Read the letter."
Just as quickly as she showed up she disappeared. Leaving me alone with all my fears and whatever is in this envelope I'm holding between my fingers. I let myself slide down the door and fall to the ground. I can't believe she's saying goodbye in a letter. After everything. It all comes down to this?
Okay, Karma. Breathe. You don't know that this is a goodbye. Just take a deep breath and open it.
Karma. Relax. I didn't leave you. I promised I would never run, remember? I did enough running that summer, to never do it again. I just wanted to get a head-start. You really need to stop letting your mind run wild and free. Sometimes I wonder what you would do if I don't wrangle you in. I need you to do me a favor. Get dressed and meet me where I go to get away and where your fear comes to light. I'll be waiting.
Xoxo Amy
A head-start? What's going on?
What am I afraid of? Spiders, Amy leaving me again, needles, small spaces, heights. That's it! Heights! She seriously must be crazy if she thinks I'm going to go on the roof. She's really lucky that I love her. I mean not many girlfriends risk their life for a scavenger hunt. Not that my life is on the line or anything, but when heights are involved it might as well be.
I'm on my last flight of stairs and with every step I brace myself for what's about to come. I can see the door to the roof entrance and I'm about to push it open when I notice a white envelope taped to it.
You can relax. I would never make you go on the roof by yourself. This will be as far as you need to go. Beyond this door is my escape. It's a place I can go to clear my head or to just think. I think a lot about you when I'm here. I like that you occupy my thoughts everywhere I go. You occupy more then my thoughts though. You occupy my life and more importantly my heart. This roof isn't where I realized you have my heart, that roof is on another building. Find that building for me. Find that room where it all began. I'll be waiting.
Xoxo Amy
Where it all began? It began when we're five if I'm being honest. She can't be talking about the ball pit though. It has to be somewhere else. Where did we start? College- school- high school- the auditorium- that kiss.
That kiss started everything. If it wasn't for that kiss we probably wouldn't be together now. That kiss change everything. It changed us. It has to be Hester.
As I pull into the parking lot I feel a sense of peace take over me. I feel calm; like I'm meant to be here. As I approach the entrance to the school I see a envelope taped to the door. She honestly couldn't have made me come all the way down here just to stop at the door, could she? I guess not because all the note read was
Warmer
Xoxo Amy
Warmer? If the door is warm, where is it hot? It has to be the gym, right? That's where she kissed me.
As I walk into the gym, I'm transported back in time. Everything looks identical to that day. The stage is up, principal Penelope is standing up there with Lauren and Tommy; it's perfect.
"This is why you had to go?"
"Amy wanted to make sure I was here on time. She wanted it to be perfect."
"Where is Amy?"
"You'll see her soon enough. She wanted me to give you this."
I grab the envelope and as soon as my fingers touch the white paper, confetti begins to fall all around me.
How am I doing so far? I hope good. I'm sorry I can't be there with you. I would want nothing more than to kiss you under all that confetti again, but, I have bigger ideas in mind. This place is the beginning of 'us' (not really, because you stole my heart when we were five) but we had our first kiss here. You were the 'whoa' to my 'I know'. It wasn't planned, but I'm so beyond grateful that it happened. Although I love this place and everything that happened here I love another place even more. I know it will be hard, but, I need you to go to the place you broke my heart, the place where I told you 'I love you' for the first time.
Xoxo Amy
I didn't need another clue after she said go to the place where I broke her heart. I knew exactly where it was. How could I forget? That day, that night, has been one of my greatest regrets. I didn't just break her heart that day, I broke mine too.
Pulling into the driveway of Amy's childhood home is like taking a step back in time. It's weird to think we spent so much time here together. This house has always been a second home to me, and the people in it have always been like family. I honestly don't know what I would do, or where I would be if this house and the people who occupied it didn't exist.
As I get the front door I'm a little taken back to find that it's locked. She's lucky I have a key... or had a key. Out of all days to lose my key, it has to be today? She's honestly lucky I know where they keep the spare key. They really need to find a better spot to hide it besides under the welcome mat.
She really can't make it easy can she? There's no key, no evidence of a key, nothing to allow me to get in the house. There's just an envelope. A perfectly placed, white envelope.
I can't make it that easy and don't worry I'll give you your key back.
She's unbelievable. Who steals a key to their own parents house?
We have to do this right. Think back to high school. To before, we started dating. When my mom thought it would be "healthy" to not spend every waking minute with each other and how you would still find your way to my room to have movie nights, and girls night and Karma and Amy time. Even back then you would break the rules and push down barriers, so you could spend time with me. Do you think you'll be able to get through one more?
Xoxo Amy
Is she serious? She seriously wants me to scale the side of her house to get to her bedroom. She is so lucky that I love her. Walking to the side of her house, I'm surprised to see a ladder leading directly to her bedroom window, and of course it has another envelope taped to it.
You didn't think I would make you scale my house without a little help, did you? I couldn't live with myself if you got hurt doing something I made you do.
Xoxo Amy
She really is sweet. She's always been so protective of me. Always wanting what's best for me. Always putting my happiness before her own. Always putting myself before herself. As I crawl through her bedroom window, it's like taking a step back in time. It's weird being in here now. Sure we've been in here when we come to visit for holidays and when we had time off during college, but, this feels different. I can't put my finger on it, but, something definitely feels different. I'm sad to not find Amy here, but, a smile forms on my face when I see a small box placed on her bed accompanied by the now familiar white envelope.
I know it's hard being in this room. It brings back so many memories; good ones and bad. We grew up in here. I feel in love with you in here. I told you 'I love you' in here. I know you didn't say it back or feel the same way at the time, but, it's part of our story. It's part of us. And I wouldn't change our story for anything.
You have always been the one person to be by my side through everything. You're my best friend and I can't imagine my life... my world without you. And I think it's about time others know that too.
Xoxo Amy
Opening the box I watch as a small piece of paper falls out.
I know you "lost" the old one during our "dark period" or as others like to call it "Karmygeddon", so, I thought you could use a new one.
Xoxo Amy
I can't believe she got me a new friendship necklace. It never could replace the one I "lost", but, it's perfect. I find myself missing something though; a clue. This can't be where Amy wants me to stop. She's not even here. Okay. Think, Karma. She said she wasn't going to make this easy. There has to be something. Looking around the room I notice the bathroom door is closed and there's a piece of paper taped to it.
Open me.
Xoxo Amy
As the door opens I see a pathway of arrows pointing to Lauren's old bedroom. Opening the opposing door I'm surprised to find another box with my name on it laying on Lauren's bed. The box is much larger than the first one and I'm a little nervous to open it. As I pull the top off I'm in complete shock.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Turning around, I'm surprised to find Lauren leaning against the door frame. I must be looking at her confused because she elaborates and points to the box.
"What are you doing here?"
"I told you. Amy wants me one step a head of you."
"Why do you have to be a head of me?"
"Amy can't follow you, so, she picked the next best thing. Plus she wanted me to help you get ready."
"Ready for what?"
"Let's just say that dress sitting on my bed isn't the last thing you'll be receiving tonight."
"There's more?"
"It's Amy we're talking about here. Of course there's more! Now let's get you into that dress so we can start your hair and makeup!"
My mind is racing, trying to connect the dots of where this whole thing is going to end I don't even notice Lauren walk behind me and pull the dress out of the box.
"You know, Amy was so happy when she came home with this. She couldn't wait to show me. I never expected her to have such good taste in dresses. She would stop over my apartment everyday to check and make sure nothing happened to it. I never really asked why, until a few days ago. It all made sense then and it will make sense to you soon enough."
"She didn't pick it."
"What?"
"The dress. She didn't pick it. I did. We were walking around the city and we passed a window with that dress in it and I stopped instantly. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was so beautiful. It was perfect in all the right ways. Amy could tell right away that I couldn't walk past that window without it, so we went inside. But not soon after going in we were walking right back out. They didn't have it in my size or any other size for that matter. It was a one of a kind. A duplicate free, Karma free, dress. We left and I really never thought about it again, because there was no point. I could never own it, let alone fit in it, so why bother, right? I never knew she went back. I never knew she bought it."
"One thing I learned about Amy over the years is that, she's full of surprises and that she never wants to see you disappointed or sad. That girl would do anything to make you smile."
"But why would she buy a dress I could never wear?"
"You honestly think Amy would give you this knowing that it won't fit? She drove this thing all around the state trying to find someone to alter it. She even contacted the designer."
"She did?"
"Of course she did. It is Amy we're talking about here. Now can we get moving? I have a lot of work to do."
"Yeah. Sure."
"You don't sound so happy."
"I'm fine. I just want to see Amy. I'll be better once I see her."
"Okay then. Let's get started."
I spent the next hour in the hands of Lauren. She wouldn't let me do a damn thing. I wasn't allowed to touch my hair, my makeup, my nails, my dress, anything. I have to say even though I hated not being able to help, Lauren did an amazing job. I never felt or looked as beautiful as I do now. Plus it's nice to be able to spend time with Lauren. We don't really have the opportunity to bond like this. I'm always with Amy and when I'm not with Amy, Amy's with Lauren. It's never Karma and Lauren.
"You look amazing Karma. Amy's going to have a heart attack when she sees you."
"When does she get to see me? I haven't seen or talked to her all day."
"She has a couple more stops for you before she'll make her appearance. Which brings me to this."
A smile forms on my face when I see Lauren pull out the white envelope from her purse.
I hope you had fun bonding with Lauren. And I hope you liked the dress. I couldn't, not go back and buy it for you after seeing your face light up like that. That dress was made for you and I wasn't going to let some sales clerk and size tag tell me differently. I can not wait to see you in it, after hiding it from you for so long, but first, I need you to do something for me. You've gone to the place where we had our first kiss and the place I first told you that 'I love you', but you haven't gone to the place you said it back. Can you go to that place?
Xoxo Amy
This girl is seriously amazing. I still can't believe that she's mine.
I'm not a fan of where I told Amy that I love her. I actually hate the place. I wasn't planning on telling her there, it just accidentally slipped out. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I said it. I just wish it wasn't at her girlfriends or I guess ex-girlfriends apartment.
Being at Reagan's is opening so many unhealed wounds. She holds a place in Amy's heart I could never have and that's hard to deal with. Her and Amy obviously still talk, but, I haven't seen her in years. I honestly don't know what I would say or do when I see her.
"Karma, you look amazing. Amy wasn't lying when she said that dress was made for you."
I'm taken back by Reagan's excitement to see me. I never thought she would ever be happy to see me after what I did to her.
"Hi."
"Well come in. We have a lot to talk about."
I don't even say anything. I just follow her inside, letting the door close behind me.
"So, how has the scavenger hunt been going?"
"I'm sorry. I'm just a little confused right now. I really don't know why I'm here or why you're being so nice to me after everything I've done."
"She didn't tell you, did she?"
"Tell me what?"
"She wanted me to give this to you after we talked for a while, but, I think you should read it now."
And there's the envelope.
"Did you read it?"
"I did."
"And?"
"And, you should probably read it for yourself."
Karma. Talk to Reagan. Don't just sit there and listen. Actually talk. I know it's been a long time since you've seen each other, I also know it's hard for you to be there, in the same room as her, but, you need to hear what she has to say. You need to understand and know I would never put you in a situation that would cause you pain and I hope you can see why I brought you here when everything is said and done.
Xoxo Amy
"Why does she want us to talk? I haven't seen you for over two years. Why now?"
"You haven't seen me, but, I've seen her. We never stopped seeing each other. You know that just as much as I do. Amy has become my best friend and I can't imagine my life without her. Did you know we talk every night, before we go to bed?"
"I do."
"Do you know what we talk about?"
"Somethings. I catch a few conversations here and there."
"Okay. If we're going to do this you have to be honest with me. I know Amy tells you what we talk about."
"You set me up!"
"I did."
"Why?"
"We need to have an honest conversation, for this to go anywhere. I need you to be able to believe what I say and I need to believe what you say."
"And what exactly do you want me to believe?"
"You weren't the reason Amy and I broke up."
"You said you have to be honest."
"I am. Do you even remember everything that happened that night?"
"Of course I do. I broke up with Liam and I was such a mess, the only person I wanted to see or talk to was Amy. So I went to her apartment to tell her everything and we got into this huge fight and she left. She left and she came here."
"What did you fight about?"
"What does it matter?"
"Humor me."
"I told her I broke up with Liam. I told her I should have done it months ago, maybe even years. I told her that I've been lying to her and myself for years and that I couldn't do it anymore. I saw something change in her after I told her. I think she knew where the conversation was going and she didn't want to have it, but, I continued. She needed to hear it. I told her that I wanted to be with her and that I couldn't be happy until she forgave me for keeping her waiting so long. I can still picture her face and the tears streaming from her eyes, like it was yesterday. I knew you two were still together, but, I just couldn't stop. I was about to tell her that I loved her, but, she ran before I could get the words out. She ran here and I followed, and, well you know the rest."
"But you don't."
"What?"
"I remember Amy coming here. We talked for fifteen minutes before you barged in yelling. I remember every word you said, and, I'm sure you do too. I admired you so much in that moment. You crashed through that door like your life depended on it, and in a way it did. You had so much purpose."
"I remember. I told her she had no right to walk out on me like that and that I deserved to have my words be heard. She just looked at me like I was a stranger. Like I wasn't meant to be there with you. Like I didn't belong. And in that moment I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told her that I loved her, for the first time. She stood there like a deer in headlights, just staring at me, then she looked to you and I just remember not being able to control myself. I just broke down even more than when I first came through the door, but, even as I balled my eyes out, she was still looking at you. It was like you were having this whole conversation that I wasn't a part of. I couldn't watch anymore and I left. No. I ran."
"If I recall your exact words were 'I fucking love you Amy Raudenfeld. I'm in love with you and I think I always have been.' I also remember you giving her an ultimatum."
"Can we not talk about that part?"
"Why?"
"Because it's the reason you guys broke up. I'm the reason she's just your friend and not your girlfriend. You should hate me. I know I would if I was you."
"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. And you're not the reason we broke up. We broke up before that day ever happened."
"Wait, what? What do mean you broke up before then? If that were true why did she run to you?"
"We broke up a week before that actually."
"Amy never told me that."
"I know. That's what today is about."
"This whole time I thought I was the reason Amy lost her first love. I've felt so guilty that I took that from her."
"You and I both know I wasn't her first love."
"You were her first for a lot of other things though, and that's hard for me to accept. I could have been those things if I would have realized sooner."
"Do you know what we talked about before you charged in? Or even why she came here?"
"No."
"We talked about you, Karma. If you thought you were a hot mess, you should have seen her. She didn't know what to do. She waited so long for you to feel the same way. She didn't want to hear you say it and not mean it. She couldn't bare to go through the heartbreak again. I was the only person that could understand and tell her what she should do and actually have her listen."
"So she didn't run to you to be with you?"
"No. She ran to me so she could run to you."
"Why didn't she just stay?"
"She needed someone to say it was okay to fall."
"Did she listen?"
"If she didn't, you wouldn't be here now. But she didn't have to listen to me. That girl was going to chase after you no matter what I said."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Read this."
"She wrote another letter?"
"She wrote three. You have to read this one first. I have strict orders."
Karma. I hope you can see and understand why I asked you to come here, now that you've talked to Reagan. I know you've felt so much guilt over the past two years because you thought you were the reason I wasn't with Reagan. I don't want you to feel that way anymore. I've tried telling you so many times but you wouldn't let me, so I hope you let Reagan.
I've waited so long for you to tell me that you loved me and when you finally did, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I remember looking to Reagan after you said it, in shock and in disbelief and she just looked back and I knew. I knew that it was real this time. I was still looking at her when you ran. I didn't understand. I didn't know if I should stay or run after you. Then Reagan told me to run. I remember her telling me that if I didn't chase after you she would, and that I would be the stupidest person on earth if I just let you go. So I ran. No. I sprinted. I couldn't let you runaway. I remember thinking when I finally got outside, and saw you walking down the street in the pouring rain, that this was my moment. All I wanted to do was grab you and kiss you. But you had another idea in mind. I can remember running up behind you calling your name to stop but that only caused you to move forward even more. You just kept on moving until I yelled at you. I've never seen you spin around so fast. It almost made me wish I never uttered those twelve words. But, I am so glad I did, because as soon as I said,"So you can run from me, but, I can't run from you?," you were walking towards me. You stopped. There was no more chasing, because we were walking to each other.
I remember her saying that. It stung, but, she was right. I was full of so much anger and hurt though, that I just lashed out at her when I got close enough to see her face. She just stood there and took it. I still can picture her face and hear our conversation play through my head like it was yesterday. I told her to run back to her precious girlfriend and that I should have never followed her. That it all was this big mistake. She just stood there, not saying a single word.
You didn't know it at the time, but, I was running to my precious girlfriend. It hurt me so much to hear you say your love was a mistake. The love you have and feel is never a mistake. It's one of the greatest things you have ever given me. I can remember just staring at you as you yelled at me, waiting for you to just shut up so I could finally speak, but, you just kept going. I didn't want to cut you off, but, I needed you to just stop. So, I did the only thing I could. I kissed you. That moment was the third greatest moment of my life.
Third?
Yes, third. The first was meeting you in that ball pit. The second, was you telling me you loved me, and the third? The third was that kiss that happened shortly after number two. I put everything into that one singular moment. I wanted to make sure you knew what I was feeling and thinking. I wanted that kiss to say everything I couldn't at the time.
That kiss did say everything. She took my breath away and to be honest I don't think I ever got it back. If I could describe the perfect moment, it would be that one. It was like a scene out of those romantic movies I always make Amy watch. The rain, the wet hair and clothes, the trouble breathing, the close proximity to each others bodies. It was like a scene out of the Notebook, but, it was so much better.
So as much as you hate this building and the room inside, where you gave me your heart, I need you to know that, I love it. It's one of my favorite places. I couldn't imagine my life without that building and that room. It's a piece of us. A small piece, but, a very important piece, that I would never want to forget. So I hope after you leave there today, you'll love it just as much as I do. I want you to walk out that door and know I'll always be there to chase you. I never want you to think that I would let you run and not be right behind you.
Xoxo Amy
"That's why I'm here?"
"Amy wants you and always has wanted you to love every aspect of your love story. It killed her that you didn't like that you gave her your heart here. A small piece of her always wondered if it was the place or the words that you actually hated. But, as time went on, she knew it wasn't the words, but something else entirely."
"I do love every aspect. Would I change a few things? Sure. But, I love where I am with her."
"See, that's the thing. I don't think she would change a single thing. And I think it hurts her that you want to. You wouldn't be where you are if you changed things. If you never told Amy you loved her in this room with me only a few feet away she wouldn't have chased after you. She needed that push. She needed someone to say it was okay."
" You don't think she would have chased me?"
"I don't think. I know."
"You know?"
"I do."
"What else do you know?"
" I know that you're keeping something from her."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"I could see it in your eyes when you said you would change a few things. And if you want my advice, I suggest you tell her before it's too late."
"You said theres a third letter?"
"I did."
"Can I have it? I really need to see Amy."
"I'll go get it."
"You don't have it?"
"It's in my room. Amy didn't want you to see it."
Now I'm confused. I watch as Reagan walks into her room and walks out with a large box.
"She got me another present?"
"It's Amy. Of course she got you something."
"Do you know what it is?"
"I do. Amy needed a little guidance with this one."
"Where's the letter?"
"It's in the box."
As I tear away at the cardboard and paper, I'm a little surprised to find a guitar case. I can't believe Amy got me a guitar. Ive been wanting to get a new guitar for years, but something more important always came up and it got put on the back burner. I never thought she would do this.
"This is a Vintage 1961 Hummingbird."
"It is."
"This is like a $4,000 guitar."
"I know."
"Amy bought me a $4,000 guitar?"
"No. Amy bought you a guitar. She never saw the price tag. I mean she saw it because she bought it, but it wasn't about the price. She fell in love with this guitar as soon as she saw it."
Music has always held a special place in your heart,a place that you usually keep hidden, but, you always have been able to share it with me. I am so thankful and blessed that you let me see that side of you, because it is one of my favorite pieces of you. I remember the first time I heard you sing, it stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't help but listen. Your voice has always been your gift and you have always been mine. So I thought it would be appropriate to give you something that showcases your love and helps fuel mine. Ive wanted to get you a guitar for so long, I just never knew what would be the perfect one for you. Then Reagan told me about the Hummingbird and I just knew. The color, the design, the name, it was perfect. Although, I fell in love with the name more then anything. Hummingbirds symbolize all things that are good and that's what you are. You are everything that is good in this world and in my life. You are such an important part of my life and I know music is a big part of your life. I want this guitar to inspire you, like you inspire me.
Xoxo Amy
"Theres no clue. How am I supposed to know where to go?"
"Think about it. She wouldn't have written what she did without a purpose. She left you clues."
I feel horrible. Im sitting here rereading everything and I can't figure it out. I know Amy said she wasn't going to make this easy, but, she could have made it a little bit obvious to her slightly oblivious girlfriend.
"You're struggling there, aren't you?"
"Yeah. She didn't exactly make a giant arrow pointing to where she is."
"She kind of did though. What has this whole day been about?"
"Us. Mostly me."
"What about you?"
"My love for her and what she loves about me."
"Okay. And what does she love?"
"She loves every place that has contributed to us. She loves every moment we've spent together."
"And what exactly did she say her three favorite moments are?"
"How did I miss that?"
"You didn't. You just need someone to lead you there."
"I have to go."
"I know."
"Thank you for everything."
"You're welcome. Now go get your girl."
It feels amazing knowing, when I walk out of this building, I'm going to see Amy. As I get closer to the exit I begin to see tiny flickers of light. There must be hundreds and they're all leading the way to her. I follow the pathway of candles, stopping when I get to the place where we had our first real kiss, but Amy is still nowhere to be seen. Im standing alone once again, just staring at the end of the trial of light.
"I told you that I would never let you run and not be right behind you."
I am so happy to hear her voice, but, all I want to do is see her. I brace myself before turing around, not really sure on what exactly I'm going to see when I turn around. I honestly should have braced myself a little better, because, she is breathtaking.
"I've missed you. All I wanted today was to be able to see you."
"I know. I heard."
"You heard?"
"I was in Reagans apartment. I told you that the next you walked out that door that I would be chasing you. So, here I am."
"You really planned this out, didn't you?"
"Everything. Except for one singular moment."
I watch as she moves towards me; slow and steady, until there is barely any space between us.
"And what moment is that?"
"This one."
I can feel my heart-rate increase as I watch Amy lower herself to one knee. If Amys greatest moment of her life was me telling her that I love her, this moment right now, this moment is the greatest moment of my existence.
Amy POV
"Ive thought about this day for so long,but every time I got to this part I could never figure out the perfect words to say. Karma, you are the single most important thing in my life and you always have been. Since the day that I met you, I knew you were it for me. I knew without a doubt in my mind that you would always have this huge piece of my heart. I just never knew to what degree that would be. You have spent most of your life running. Running and searching for Mr. Right, and I have always been chasing and waiting. Waiting for that day that I didn't have to chase you anymore, but I quickly learned even when you weren't running anymore, I still had to chase you. And it wasn't because I was afraid that you would leave, it was because I never wanted to let you go. I wasn't just running after you anymore. I was running for you. I chase you because, you're worth chasing. You're worth following. And no matter where you go and no matter where life takes us, I always want to be right behind you. We have been inseparable since the day we met and not a single day goes by that I don't want you in my life. You are my past and present, and I want you to be my future. I don't want the houses next door to each other anymore. I want you and me together, in one house; growing old together, raising our children together, spending every waking second of everyday with each other. I don't want to and I can't, wake up tomorrow, or the next day, or the day that follows that, with you beside me and not be able to call you my future wife. So, Karma Mari Ashcroft, will you marry me?"
"I can't"
With those words everything just hit me (everything came rushing back and took me back to that summer, to that pool, to that kiss, to those words). But Im not going to run this time (well at least right now).
"You can't?"
"I can't marry you because I haven't been honest with you. And you need to know before I give you an answer."
"Karma. What are you talking about?"
"I cheated on you."
So much for not running. I didn't even know what to even say. Is there even anything to say? I just handed her the ring and left.
9-18-2022
Being back feels right. It didn't feel right being away from Austin. Something was always missing. Walking up to my apartment I feel a sense of relief knowing that this is exactly where I should be but that quickly disappears when I see her car. I shouldn't see her car. Her car should be safely parked in a parking lot 10 miles away.
As I enter my apartment I'm a bit taken back. It looks like a fraternity house. The blinds are pulled closed, pizza boxes are all over the counter and table and the stench of alcohol litters the air. I cautiously maneuver myself through the apartment until I finally see her. She looks like she hasn't slept or showered in days, but, she still has this essence of beauty to her that would make a Victoria Secrets Angel jealous. I'm left standing in the doorway to my bedroom completely paralyzed. I can't bring myself to wake her, because waking her would mean fighting and I don't know if I could survive a fight.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"I live here."
"Oh please. You haven't lived here for three months."
It's a low blow but it's true. I've been living in hotel rooms and the back seat of my car.
"You don't get to waltz back in here and act like you've never left. You don't get to come back and act like you care about me because you don't and you haven't cared for three fucking months."
"You think I don't care about you?"
"You left Amy. You left me literally ten minutes after you proposed. You didn't answer any of my texts, my phone calls, my emails, nothing! What else am I supposed to think?"
"You cheated on me Karma. And you kept it a secret for months. Then to put the cherry on top of the already shitty sundae you decide to tell me right after I proposed. I didn't get a yes. I didn't get a no. All I got was a big fucking I can't followed by a bigger fucking I cheated on you. So please forgive me for running because my life fell apart right in front of me. You can say I was a bitch for leaving, I don't care but don't you ever say I don't care about you. All I've done the past three months was care about you. Who the hell did you think was paying all the bills and making sure the fridge was always full? Who do you think made Lauren come over everyday to make sure you were okay?"
"All those things don't change the fact that you left. How were we supposed to fix us if you weren't here?"
"We shouldn't needed to be fixed. Don't you get that?"
"I made a mistake. A stupid mistake, that I have regretted ever since it happened. I'm not willing to throw away everything we are over that. Are you?"
"Karma, I love you, and I always have. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, then you crushed me with six little words. I can't forget what you did."
"Neither can I, but you at least can let me explain. You left before I could."
"You don't get to explain."
"That's not fair."
"You cheating wasn't fair. Me not wanting to hear about said cheating IS fair."
"You deserve an explanation. You deserve to know what happened."
"Deserving to know and wanting to know are two very different things. I deserve to know, yes, but, I don't want to know."
"Why?"
"Because I don't think I'll be able to handle staying if I hear what happened."
"Can you please try? I really need to be able to move past this. I need to be able to fix us."
"We don't need fixing."
"You left for three months and I cheated. We need fixing, Amy."
"Please stop saying that. It hurts a little more each time."
"I'll try not to say it anymore if you try to stay and listen."
"Fine."
"When you proposed I was so happy. I've wanted you to ask me to marry you since day one."
"What does any of this have to do with you-."
"Cheating?"
"Yeah."
"It has everything to with it. Please just listen."
I don't say anything. I mean what can I say?
" I've been dreaming of that day for so long, so when it finally happened I could not be anymore excited to say yes."
"But you didn't say yes."
"Please let me finish."
I just nod at this point. Why make the situation worse with more words.
"You're right. I didn't say yes. I couldn't. I couldn't say yes knowing I would start the rest of our lives together holding a secret. I needed to tell you so I would be able to say yes. But I never had the opportunity. You handed me this."
I watch as she pulls out a box from the nightstand and hands it to me.
"You handed me this and walked away."
"It's empty."
"I know. I couldn't leave it in the box. I needed it to be close to me. I needed something to hold on to. I needed a piece of you that I could cling to."
"You're not wearing it though."
"It wouldn't be fair to you if I wore it on my finger. So it's in the next best place."
"Which is?"
"Resting on my heart."
I watch as she reaches in her shirt and pulls out the friendship necklace I gave her with the ring nestled right next to it.
"I'm sorry I still don't see what this has to do with-"
"I'm getting there. This ring was a reminder of everything I lost because of a stupid mistake. I've done nothing but stare at this and hold it tightly in my hand for the last three months. I hoped the tighter I held it and the longer I stared at it, that it would erase what I did. That somehow I could go back and not let it happen. That way when you ask I would be able to say yes. But it didn't matter how tight I squeezed or how much I strained my eyes. I never could change what happened. I made a mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. I got drunk, got a little too flirty with a guy who bought me a drink and I kissed him. I don't know why I did it, but I regretted it as soon my lips touched his. In that moment I felt as if I was going to be sick and it wasn't because of the alcohol. I wanted to go home, I wanted to run to you and tell you, but, my friends convinced me that I shouldn't and told me that it was just a kiss and that it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal. I shouldn't have listened to them. I shouldn't have stayed. And because of my mistake and because of me listening to them, I've lost you."
After the words left her mouth I just watched as she broke down. I've done my best up until this point to not run to her and just hold her in my arms,but, I hate seeing her like this. I hate that I don't know what to do to make everything better. I know she's hurting, but, I'm hurting too. I have to set my hurt aside for her. I can't let her continue to fall further. I start to walk towards the bed as Karma crumbles, unsure if I'm over stepping I crawl in bed next to her and pull her to me. I'm upset she cheated, but, it was just a kiss. I can forgive her for a kiss. I don't know if I can forgive her for keeping it from me. If we can't be honest with each other I don't know where that leaves us. I mean if she's kept this a secret, what else is she keeping from me. How am I supposed to be able to trust her again.
"I can forgive you for the kiss. I don't care about the kiss. It was a stupid mistake, I can't hold that over you. I just don't know if I can forgive you for not telling me. We're supposed to be able to tell each other everything, even if it hurts. We promised each other, remember?"
"I remember."
"I can't get it out of my head that you might have other secrets that you're keeping from me. And it's hard. I've lost that trust and I don't know if that's something that can come back."
"There are no more secrets. You know everything there is to know about me. I know I've broken your trust and I know it's going to take time for you to be able to trust me again but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, I'm going to do whatever I can to rebuild that trust. I can't lose you, Amy. I'm not one who is known for being patient , you know that better than anyone else but I promise I will be the most patient human being if it means keeping you in my life."
"Leaving Austin was the second biggest mistake of my life. The first was leaving you. I know it's going to take time and I know it's going to be hard, but if I've learned anything over these last three months it's that we're worth fighting for. I don't want to give up on us. I love you so much and that's never going to change."
"I love you too."
A sense of calm comes over me as the words leave her mouth. I believe her.
"What do you say we get you cleaned up? It looks like you haven't showered in weeks."
"Can it wait? I've really missed this. I haven't held you for so long, I don't want to let go."
"I'll be here when you get back. Go take a shower."
"You promise?"
"I promise. I'm not going anywhere."
Karma POV
The hot water feels nice hitting my body. Amy was right. I haven't showered in a while. It's honestly been the last thing on my mind. The only reason I've really gotten out of bed was because of Lauren, but as soon as she left, I would crawl back into bed.
As I get out of the shower I hear the apartment door close. She seriously didn't leave, did she? I don't even grab a towel, I just run out of the bathroom hoping I've heard wrong. But the rooms dark and the beds empty. I can't even control myself and I allow myself to fall unto the bed; pulling my legs towards me so I'm hugging myself. I am a disaster. A big, sobbing ball of a disaster. I don't even notice the lights flicker on until I hear her voice. I have never been so happy to see light.
"What's wrong?"
"I thought you left."
"I didn't leave. I promised I wouldn't, remember?"
"I heard the door shut and I came out and the bed was empty and I just lost it."
"Karma, it's okay. I was just in the other room. I thought you might be hungry so I ordered some food. I didn't leave you, I wouldn't leave you."
"But you did leave."
"I know I did, but, I'm not in the same place that I was three months ago; history is not repeating itself. I don't want to leave you Karma. There's not a single place in this world I would rather be right now."
"You don't mean that."
"I do mean it. I've wasted too much time away from you, I don't want to waste another second. So what do you say we get you in some clothes and go eat?"
"No."
"No?"
"Can you just lay here with me?"
She doesn't even respond verbally.
I just watch her as she walks towards me. She doesn't say anything as she crawls into bed and pulls me towards her. It's therapeutic having her so close. Being able to feel her body against mine is one of the greatest things in the world. Ive missed being able to curl up into her side with my head resting on her chest. I almost forget Im lying naked next to her, until she pulls a blanket over my body.
The silence that fills the room is both comforting and disheartening. Laying like this use to be one of my favorite things to do with Amy. I loved that we could lay in silence, wrapped in each other arms and be satisfied. Now, Im not so sure. Laying here is giving me false hope, because, I don't know where we stand. I don't know what we are. I don't want to lay here like this and let it make me think we can get back to where we use to be. At the same time I don't want it to end because I don't know if I'll ever have it again.
"Amy?'
"Hmmm."
"Will we ever go back to being an 'us'?"
"I don't know. We're not the same people anymore. A lot has changed over the past three months."
"So, this is the end?"
"I didn't say that."
"I don't need to hear you say it, to know it's what you want."
"I told you, I don't want to give up on us. I just don't know if we will be the same us that we use to be. I don't know where to go from here."
"I just don't want to lay here with you, and have this ring around my neck, and have it not mean anything. I don't know if I can handle that."
"Can I see the ring?"
"Why?"
"Ill give it back. I just want to see it."
Taking the chain off my neck feels weird. I feel more naked without the chain, then,I actually am laying here under the comfort of a blanket. I watch the chain dangle freely in the air until it collects in Amy's hand. The moment the ring touches her palm I feel like all my hope is lost. I have nothing now. I don't have the ring. I don't even know if I have her.
"I told you, I don't want to give up on us. I just don't know if we will be the same us that we use to be. I don't know where to go from here. I'm learning."
I watch as Amy moves the ring around the chain and opens the clasp allowing it to fall into the palm of her hand.
"You don't have to look at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like Im going to get rid of it or not give it back and this is the last time that you'll see it."
"Sorry. It's just that, there hasn't been a day since you gave it to me that I haven't worn it. It's hard seeing it somewhere else."
"I like the idea of it being somewhere else."
"Oh."
It takes everything in me not to cry. I knew this day would come. A day where I can no longer say the ring is mine. Then again, it never really has been mine. Ive just been holding it. It belongs to Amy and it will continue to belong to Amy until it's on my finger. I can't bare to watch her fidget with the ring anymore and I nestle myself back into her her body; my head resting in the nook of her shoulder and my hand on her chest. I close my eyes soaking in the moment; not wanting to forget anything; getting use to the idea that this might be as far as we go together. I feel Amy lift my hand with hers as I keep my eyes shut;as she plays with my fingers delicately. Like she's debating lacing them together or like she's going to say something and she's just stalling time until she finds the right words. I let her continue her movements not wanting to ruin the moment; that is until I feel the cold metal wrap around my finger. My eyes shoot open and dart to my hand then too her eyes.
"I told you I like the idea it being somewhere else."
I lift my head off her body and look at her with a wide smile and see that she's mirroring my expression.
"Im taking your cheesy grin as a yes."
I dont respond verbally and lean in and kiss her; connecting our lips for the first time in months. Im so thankful for this moment and the opportunity to finally tell the woman I love... "Yes."