Hey guys, I know I haven't been updating and I'm really sorry about that, life just got really hard for me personally.
Now I wrote this like a month ago and finally reread and decided to post it. I hope you enjoy it and please leave a review
Word Count: 9,837
Trigger Warning: Implied Suicide, Suicide, Self Harm
He wanted to laugh. He wanted to have the ability to throw his head back and just release the laughter that bubbled up inside him. But it was only 2 AM and the others were all asleep after a long day of practice.
He had promised himself that this would be different. He had thought that it would be different. But why would it be different? Why would he even expect it to be different? He didn't deserve anything but this.
He only deserved the pain from his skin as it broke. He deserved the loneliness and emptiness that encompassed his mind; the constant pain in his heart that makes it physical ache with each beat. He deserved all the sleepless nights with him simply staring at nothing as his head constantly buzzed with thoughts as he tried to keep up the mask of arrogance and controlling natural while in reality he only did it to give the others a target for their frustration and allowing them to bond with each other.
Jason Daniel Atlas. Oh how he hated his first name, Daniel couldn't help but sneer at the mere thought of his full name, especially his first. "To heal" was the meaning of Jason which was ironic as all Daniel was able to do was destroy. The only thing Daniel was able to heal was other relationships, as long as it didn't include him.
The young magician only stared as blood fell from his wrist, but once it started to try and clot he quickly turned on the water and held it underneath the running tap. After a short while, he started to feel dizzy from some of the blood loss. Reluctantly he stopped the water but didn't make a move to stop the bleeding this time, only letting it actually clot and scab over this time.
How easy would it be for him to simply let the water run? How simple it would be to just completely bleed out and let this all stop. To finally escape.
But he couldn't leave; not like this, and especially not yet. He had to stay, to make sure the plan went without a hitch, to play his role in the main scheme so that the others may succeed. Because what was his reason for being here except for being a simple puppet?
Daniel finally straightened, making sure the blood wouldn't drip on the floor before washing out the sink. He made the mistake of looking up and couldn't look away from his reflection. Gone was the arrogance and confidence, instead, all that stared back was a tired expression. Not just the expression either, the dark heavy bags under his eyes told of sleepless nights and his blue eyes just stared. Because what was he supposed to feel? Sometimes he even forgot that he was supposed to feel something at all.
He tore his eyes away as a faint stab of pain hit him and he glanced down to see his fingernails digging sharply into the flesh of his forearm. Releasing his arm, leaving behind deep crescent moon imprints, he started to head back to his bedroom, refusing to even acknowledge the mirror now. Those imprints had a high possibility of leaving scars though it's not as if anyone would see the wounds or scabs or even scars. Plus, who would even care enough to look, let alone pay attention? Certainly not the other Horsemen.
And wasn't it even more pathetic that he caused himself pain to feel something. But also he had to experience pain to ground himself away from feeling too much.
Daniel was the puppet, the toy, the bandage that was used to keep something together and then quickly thrown away when that something was fixed; he was the common ground everyone could easily agree on and helped bring people together. He was arrogant, selfish, controlling, and most importantly a useless freak.
He was easily replaceable; he was just a street magician that had nothing more to do than practice, which is how he got to where he is now. His own parents made sure he knew how much money they used on him, how much time and effort he took away from their lives. How if he wasn't born they might be able to retire early and be able to enjoy each other's company, but no, Daniel was born and thus sparked fighting in between them and caused them stress.
Laying on his bed, Daniel turned over so his face was buried into his pillow and released a small hysterical laugh before forcing himself to shut up so he didn't wake the others. They deserved all the rest they could get, especially with how hard Daniel pushed them today.
He started to vigorously bite and tear at the skin inside of his mouth, not even truly noticing the coppery taste, as he wondered what would happen once this big performance was over. Would they stay a group? Go into solo acts? Stay in hiding? Daniel had no idea, but to be honest, he never expected to live as long as he had, so there were no plans in the future.
Grabbing one of the very few things that held any sort of value to him, Daniel shoved his headphones in and turned on his iPod and tried to have the music drown out his thoughts (but that has never worked before so why would it work now?). He buried his head back into the pillow and just listened to music as he forced his face to stay in the pillow, even as it became difficult to breathe. There was a small part that hoped he would suffocate because maybe then it would all stop.
But that would be too easy, and when had anything in his life been easy for him?
Daniel sat down after they just put out the video of the aftermath of Jack's "death." It wasn't time for them to go yet, they were grabbing the last essentials before leaving. Daniel couldn't help but wonder why he didn't just take Jack's place. He saw how terrified the younger male was of the plan getting messed up and ending up seriously injured.
But that wasn't part of the plan and no matter how much he wanted to take Jack's place, it would be too out of character for Daniel to even suggest it so he kept silent. He also knew though that he would not leave the car though when he was supposed to jump out to fake the death.
Daniel knew how he would follow the plan up until when the dummy was in the car. Daniel wouldn't even glance at the others as he would purposely crash where he was supposed to. And no matter how hard Rhodes would try, there would be no way that Daniel could be saved, especially as he would purposely make Rhodes' job harder because he wouldn't want to be saved.
But the plan had gone perfectly and now they were moving forward. No thanks to you. Whispered the nasty voice in his head, but Daniel skillfully ignored it as he stood and left the room, ready to continue the plan.
Daniel always thought of that night in particular, 2 years ago, when he would stare at the scars that were left behind. The big ugly, deep scars on his wrists that seemed to stand out from all the others and he wondered if maybe he should have tried to cut deeper, or even never turned off the water, because then he wouldn't be here.
Here was sitting on a bed in the house of the Eye. Here was after the events in Macau, China. Here was the aftermath of him almost killing Dylan as he had tried to control something he had no business in. Here was being consumed by guilt and wondering how long he could do this. How much longer until he finally realizes the others don't need him. The voice quickly pointed out.
With him gone, Henley could easily come back. Lula had so much charisma and could easily become the showman, and she was now with Jack, providing another bond of love and support. Merritt and Henley could finally try for that relationship both of them have been wanting since the beginning but neither acted on because of him. Without him, Dylan could easily take command without being questioned every step of the way. If he took his last breath now, no one would miss him, they might even celebrate.
Besides, who even cares? Everyone has someone to lean on but yet here you are, clinging on like a leech, sucking away all their happiness and holding them back from their full potential. The voice in his mind once again pointed out.
It would be so easy honestly. He had made enough attempts in the past to know how to avoid still surviving through the attempt itself. Crush up the pills before swallowing, adding an extra bottle of pills. Drinking alcohol with the pills will help make it look like alcohol poisoning. He finally knew how to tie the impossible knot and knew the proper length of rope to use to ensure he had no leverage for a second chance. The house he was in was tall enough to kill him if he went from the roof. He could just stand in the shower and even when he collapses from blood lose, the water will ensure he'll keep bleeding until there is nothing left.
He could do it. It was right there, within his reach. But you're a coward aren't you? You can't do it. The voice came back with a sneer.
Sometimes Daniel thought maybe there was something wrong with him as the voice has always been there. But no, the voice was merely the thoughts he was afraid to acknowledge and it had been growing stronger as time went by until it got to the point he wasn't surprised by it.
Daniel felt a single tear run down his face before he could stop it wondering why he couldn't do anything right or even be normal.
Daniel stared blankly at Jack. Jack was heaving slightly from his yelling fit he had just finished. Lula was standing behind him with her hand on his shoulder, holding him back from actually physically attacking Daniel. Merritt stood off to Jack's side with his arms crossed, having already said his piece, and now just watching the rest of the events unfold. Dylan was luckily in the library reading so he wasn't there to witness the fight that had just occurred.
Daniel honestly couldn't recall how the fight had even started or what it was even about; he just remembered the biting cold words from Merritt and the hot burning words from Jack. He could still hear Merritt's and Jack's words echo around in his mind. The voice only pointed out how both of them were right and how you only start fights. Isn't that what his parents have always told him? That he brought nothing but stress? But you are only now seeing it because you refused to see the truth, holding onto a false hope. But freaks don't deserve hope.
Daniel was fighting against the haze that was starting to settle over his mind, but it was a losing battle. So all he was able to do was dip his head forward slightly in acknowledgement of their words and only be able to state "I'm sorry."
Merritt's eyes narrowed slightly as he noticed the way Daniel's body had gone extremely rigid and how his eyes were troubled and cloudy. But before he could point any of this out, Jack had growled and ripped out of Lula's grip before punching Daniel in the face, letting a sickening crack echo through the room and watched him fall to the ground. But Jack was caught completely in his red haze of anger and thus didn't see the resignation that appeared in his idol's eyes.
The youngest magician quickly straddled Daniel's waist and continued to punch Daniel violently. "No you're not, you are only saying that to get me to shut up! You need to stop acting like you're better than us! We deserve the same amount of respect and I'm tired of hearing you just say empty words! We are not mindless minions or assistants, we are a team but you're such a control freak that makes it so hard for this team to work out!"
There was that word again. Freak. How Daniel loathed that word more than his own name.
Daniel just laid there taking the beating as Lula and Merritt had quickly called out to Jack to get him to stop. Merritt bear hugged Jack, lifting him up and away from Daniel, giving a grunt when the kid fought back his hold, while Lula got in front of him trying to calm him down. During the commotion, Dylan had entered the room.
Dylan was internally shocked and slightly horrified at the sight that greeted him when he finally left the library. He had heard the yelling but it was understandable, especially living with someone like Daniel who liked to question everything and seemed to push the wrong buttons. But when he heard Jack start to yell louder he had gotten up to investigate before it got out of hand, but it seemed he was too late in that aspect as Daniel was a bloody mess on the floor, Merritt was holding Jack hostage while Lula was trying to calm him down.
Dylan decided he would find out what occurred later as his main concern was Daniel, as the younger male was just lying on the floor staring at the ceiling with a clearly broken nose and multiple other injuries to his face. He rushed over and quickly got on his knees, trying to get Daniel's attention as he continued to survey the injuries.
Slowly, Daniel dragged his eyes from the ceiling to look at Dylan and Dylan almost reared back in shock at the sheer tiredness that was held in the crystal blue gaze. But Dylan thought he might just be tired of fighting which was understandable.
An hour later and Daniel was back in his room, having been treated by the Eye's medic for his injuries. Luckily, Dylan warded off the others when he claimed to be tired and quickly escaped. "Merritt probably thinks I'm licking my wounds along with the others, but they can think whatever they want." Daniel thought to himself.
Though, before he had disappeared off into his room, he had stopped and called back over his shoulder so that the four others would hear, "I truly and sincerely am sorry."
Once in his room, Daniel had instantly locked the door while shoving a desk chair under the handle to enforce the lock just in case Jack was going to pick the lock.
He couldn't convince himself to sit on the bed so he sat on the floor leaning against the bed. He realized he was crying and suddenly it completely hit him.
What Jack and Merritt had both said, what Lula hadn't said, how Jack literally started beating him. He leaned forward until he was on his hands and knees and started sobbing as quietly as he could, but a broken sob would break out once in a while. He sobbed so hard that he started to dry heave a couple of times.
Daniel grabbed his ears and hair with all his strength trying to block out the echo of every word that was told him throughout his life, whether it was strangers, his parents, the Horsemen, the voice, or even himself. Their voices started to all blend together.
Pathetic. Stupid. Useless.Worthless. Burden. Dumb. Disappointment. Crazy. Waste of space. Broken. Ugly.FREAK FREAK FREAK
Daniel rested his forehead against the floor and opened his mouth in a silent scream as tears continued to fall. He started to desperately claw at his ears and head hoping to get everything to stop or at least for them to shut up. But then he started to roughly claw and scratch at his own neck because maybe even though he swore he wasn't saying anything, they might be using his own vocal chords. Because everything was way too vivid for it to simply be only in his head. He knew better but he was getting desperate. It needed to get out.
He couldn't close his eyes, could even barely manage to blink even as tears continued to stream down his face. He just wanted it to all stop for once, he just wanted it to stop.
Everything started to become a haze and Daniel started to scratch vigorously at not only his neck, but also his face and chest. Broken sobs filled the bedroom as Daniel just went back to simply clutched his head, finally closing his eyes as sobs shook his body and tears started to fall faster.
Everyone was right. The voice was right. He was all those things and more. Because who was pathetic enough to be on their knees on the floor sobbing? Who was crazy enough to be clawing themselves bloody? He was simply a freak that had a voice in his head reminding him just how broken he is.
I can't do this anymore.
For a second, there was utter silence in Daniel's mind as that thought finally registered. He was also slightly shocked as the thought was purely his own, not the voice or a memory.
But he honestly couldn't do this anymore. He tried, oh how he tried for so many years. But what was the use? He was a burden, a waste of space and honestly, that is all he would ever be. He just wanted it all to stop.
He managed to crawl his way to his desk and pull out one of his personal notebooks and just started writing. He wrote down all his thoughts and ideas of the others; how much they meant to him. He pointed out all their flaws that were actually strengths; how these past couple of years were the best years he had ever experienced in his life.
He wrote about his parents and what he endured there; he wrote all his apologies for everything that has happened. He explained his reasoning behind the things he did, but mostly he wrote about how he hopes they forgive him. How he hoped that they considered him their friend at least for a moment even if they hated him, because they were his friends, his everything.
He managed to push himself up onto his knees and set the notebook on top of his desk with the book open to the start of his letter and placed his deck of cards on top with the Joker turned up on the top. Because that is what he was, a fool.
He glanced at the clock and noticed how he had been hidden inside his room for hours. He was slightly surprised that no one, especially Dylan as he seemed so worried before. But this is the way it should be: alone with no one caring enough to check on you.
Daniel was exhausted and he wanted to just sleep, but if he stopped now, he would only wake up in the morning and the cycle would start all over again. His hands shook violently as he reached for the bottle of pills that were hidden under his bed, along with grabbing a small box.
He opened the box and just stared at the contents; his grandmother's ring, an old picture of him and his parents, a picture of all of the Horsemen (including himself), and finally a couple of razor blades. Fresh tears started to fall down his cheeks and he managed to take out the ring and held it in his palms before breaking into soft sobs just whispering "I'm so sorry," "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough," "I miss you so much," "I love you so much Nana," and
"I wish you were here" repeatedly.
After a couple of minutes, Daniel managed to calm down enough to slip the ring on his pinkie finger where it was able to rest snugly.
He took a deep breath before he grabbed a brand new box cutter blade, knowing that even pressing it lightly against his skin, it would split open the skin and start to bleed, so it would easily be able to do the job he was aiming for.
Grabbing the bottle of pills with both his hands, he swallowed and his hands started to shake again and he just stared at the brand new bottle of 800mg Advil. Daniel had done research when his first Advil attempt had failed when he didn't even need to get his stomach pumped.
He knew he had to take a minimum of 12 pills for it to even have some small effect, and with a bottle full of 150 pills, the amount shouldn't be a problem. As a blood thinner as well, his blood would have a really difficult time clotting so there was also that effect.
Finally he took off the cap and poured a huge amount into the palm of his hand and just threw them into his mouth, not even counting nor caring. He managed to force 2 more handfuls into his mouth and swallowed before setting the bottle aside, deciding if he needed to he would take more later.
He took off his sweater, revealing a tank top and just stared at his mutated arms. From his shoulders to his wrists, there were scars, some layered on top of other older scars, but barely any skin didn't have scar tissue.
Being an illusionist, Daniel had ambidexterity in his hands, especially as he was known for his card tricks. So neither of his arms were favored over the other. He also knew that if you were to look under the rest of his clothes, scars would cover his stomach, hips, and thighs. Back before he wore long sleeved shirts 24/7, Daniel would try to hide his cuts and scars by putting them in places that unless you were intimate with him, it would never be seen.
He started as he always did when cutting, with small, light tentative cuts and then growing more confident. Deeming he was ready enough, he gave the deepest and longest cuts to both wrists and then the inside of both his elbows, hoping to hit a major artery.
The blood was flowing freely from all the cuts, and as he had just taken a huge amount of ibuprofen which was a blood thinner so his blood wouldn't clot as fast or as much.
Already, he was shaking violently and he watched as the blood flowed down his arms, soaking into the ground.
The memories and voice started up again and grew louder leading to him to slowly start crying before it grew to sobbing and dry heaving once again. He started scratching again as there was nothing but yelling in his mind.
He honestly couldn't help but find the whole situation funny and soon the sobbing and dry heaving was replaced with tears and hysterical laughter
Who cares if the others heard? He would be dead by the time they finally cared enough to tell him to shut up. The tears started to fall faster and his laughter took on an even more hysterical note.
He continued to laugh but it steadily grew weaker until he simply laid on the ground watching the blood continue to sluggishly flow.
He heard knocking on the door along with a question. The knocking continued for a couple more times before it then quickly turned into banging and yelling. He wanted to call out and tell them not to worry, that it would be all over soon enough. Though he was sorry that he was making such a big mess on the carpet, blood was hard to get out of fabric.
But he was so tired now and was too weak to even muster up the energy to yell. So he brought his hand up to his face with his grandmother's ring in his eyesight and slowly closed his eyes with a slight sigh.
Jason Daniel Atlas relaxed as his mind fell completely silent for the second time that night as he laid in a pool of his own blood as the medicine helped him be lulled to sleep.
Danny had been in his room for 2 hours now and the other Horsemen were worried. Jack had finally calmed down and he felt guilty for saying those things to Danny, and then physically attacking the man, who didn't even try to defend himself.
They were giving Danny some space, especially after Dylan told them to give him space after being treated by the doctor. They were hopefully waiting for him to come back out with a fire ignited in his eyes or just acting as if nothing happened but it never happened; which lead to the Horsemen standing outside Danny's door, quietly talking among themselves about knocking on the door or not.
"You guys didn't see the look in his eyes. He shouldn't be alone right now." Merritt told them with his arms crossed over his chest.
"But he is also exhausted, so we should just leave him alone to relax and sleep." Dylan pointed out.
Before the argument could really get started, they all froze at the sound of Danny's laughter. But Danny laughing wasn't what made them stop, it was the way his laughter sounded hysterical full of madness. It was the sound of being broken, of finally giving up.
That caused a unanimous decision as they all turned toward Danny's door and Dylan knocked on Danny's door and calling out, "Danny? It's Dylan, can you open up?"
Now usually Daniel would grumble before making a decision of calling Dylan to enter, to get himself up and opening the door, or just telling Dylan to go away but none of those things happened. Instead Danny's laughter just seemed to continue but was steadily growing weaker and softer. Jack, Merritt, and Lula all traded worried glances behind Dylan's back as he had continued to knock and called out.
That quickly turned into pounding on the door and yelling "Danny, open up!" when Danny's laughter was starting to become too soft they could barely hear it.
Dylan quickly looked at Jack, and the younger male quickly knelt in front of the door and picked the lock as quickly as he could, but when he pushed on it, it barely moved, as it blocked by something. A cold chill went down their spines when it was almost completely silent from the room inside. Merritt quickly rammed against the door with his full weight, but it only moved a little amount before the 2 eldest males traded a look, and with the same look they both backed up from the door.
Merritt counted down from 3 and they both kicked at the door making it shoot open from the impact.
They didn't know what to expect when the door burst open, but it certainly wasn't the sight in front of them currently.
The first thing they noticed was that Danny was too pale and he was breathing short and shallow breaths. Luckily, Lula snapped out of it instantly and burst into action by calling 911.
The next thing that they were immediate to notice was the pool of blood underneath the illusionist. The tank top he was wearing was also now covered in fresh blood stains, some still wet and others were recently drying.
Absently Merritt noted how this was the first time anyone saw Danny without a long sleeves on. He now understood why as Danny's arms was covered in scars, from his shoulders down to his wrist.
Though it was really hard to tell as there was blood still sluggishly bleeding from his elbows, wrists, and a little bit from his forearms; Merritt didn't give it anymore thought at the moment.
Dylan had immediately taken off his shirt and held it desperately to both of Danny's arms. He noted the sweater nearby and quickly grabbed that as well to help better stop the bleeding, though at this point it didn't seem to do much help as Danny had already lost a huge amount.
Merritt saw an Advil pill bottle and quickly grabbed it, noting how it was brand new, with the seal next to it, and that it was more than half empty. He felt sick to his stomach as he told Lula to tell the ambulance to be ready to pump Danny's stomach. Lula became a little paler but nodded and relayed the information.
Jack was standing next to Danny's desk holding a deck of cards and an open notebook to his chest as he tried to not look at Danny's too still and silent body. Jack wasn't a stranger to death or even suicide, but he hadn't ever had it happen to anyone close to him.
Dylan removed his shirt and the sweater slightly from Danny's arms to get a look at what had truly caused the bleeding and choked slightly as he got a glimpse of some bone and split muscle beneath some of the cuts before blood quickly covered his view. Dylan swallowed sharply and had to hold back from gagging at the gory sight he only got a glimpse of.
(There was a brief moment in Dylan's mind that made him understand why Danny never truly cared if he got injured doing a trick, as the injury nor the sight of blood would affect him.)
It felt like hours until the paramedics came rushing in. They quickly took over the situation, forcing the others out of the room as they made quick work of moving Danny as they immediately started pumping his stomach.
They didn't know what happened after that until they finally came out with Danny strapped to the stretched and already having him hooked up to blood transfusions and IV.
None of them were allowed to ride with Danny to the hospital in the ambulance as Danny was in critical condition and they couldn't have a random body just sitting there when they needed all the medically trained hands they had.
None of them spoke as they got into one of the cars that the Eye provided. There was a moment of uncertainty until Merritt took the driver's side when he took a look at Dylan's face, noting how awful the leader of the Horsemen looked. Dylan still took the passenger seat though and Lula and Jack took the backseat.
Merritt took off for the hospital, consistently pushing the speed limit until they finally made it (they all took notice that Danny's ambulance had already been parked and emptied). Merritt took the closest parking spot and they all rushed inside.
In the ambulance, 5 different medics were moving as fast as they could in the cramped space of the
Dylan had asked one of the nurses and was informed that J. Daniel Atlas was currently in critical condition in the ER.
They all settled into a couple of seats in the corner of the waiting room which was surprisingly empty at the moment. Dylan and Merritt took a chair each, sitting across from each other while Lula and Jack sat on a two-seat chair in-between the two elder males.
After a good 8 minutes of silence, Jack managed to whisper, "There was a note."
They all stared at Jack hoping he would continue as they finally took notice of the open notebook clutched to his chest. He pulled out the deck of cards from his pocket and explained, "This was on his desk…it was open to this page but I had flipped through the rest of it…there are other things written…drawn…"
Jack gave a hollow laugh and continued, "Danny is really good at drawing, basically scary good. He could easily have a career in art."
Jack closed his eyes for a second but the others still gave him their attention as he managed to choke out, "His deck of cards were on top… With the Joker facing upwards because he thinks he's a fool…"
Jack's head fell forward as if it took too much energy to hold up his head. Dylan slowly took the notebook away from Jack's slack hands, though they tightened around the deck of cards, and started to read in a subdued voice,
"To Whom It May Concern,
Did you know my full name is Jason Daniel Atlas? I never use my first name Jason as it means "to heal" and it is nothing but a cruel irony as I only break and harm things.
I'm pretty sure my parents also saw the irony, but they never called me anything but freak, so I'll never truly know. They would always tell me of how much a waste I am and how I did nothing but take away their money, time, and life. I'm the one that caused all their stress and fighting. I would never amount to anything but a burden.
And I guess they were right in the end.
My grandmother used to be the only person that truly cared, and when I turned 12, she passed away and that is when I joined the streets. All I have left is her ring; I don't even have a picture though if you look in some of my sketch books, I was able to sketch her. I could never give her beauty the justice it deserves but that is all I can provide to be able to see her again.
I'm nothing but a street magician that managed to make it into the big leagues because I had nothing else to do but practice magic. I guess that is when my control problem truly reared its ugly head. I had to make sure everything was perfect, because I couldn't go back. I can't go back to those years of being homeless, of starving nights on end, I just can't go back.
But I also discovered that by being a control freak, it made me selfish and arrogant; well I guess I always was but it became more obvious, which just made me what my parents always said I was. But there was something good that came out of it; I gave people a similar topic and view so they bonded over the fact of how terrible I was. So I'm not completely useless.
When I got the calling card, I thought maybe I would get a chance to have a fresh start and show people the true me. But then Henley was there and there was no way I could start over. Did you know I told her that comment about the trap door to actually drive her away?
I knew she could become a solo act but I can't tell her as I'm a self-centered asshole and she would think I was lying or making fun of her, so I did the next best thing and pushed her away. And she blossomed and it was amazing watching her become such an amazing escape artist and I'm so happy for her.
The year with the Horsemen was the best of my life, even when I still had to wear my mask and keep up the act, I found friends. I didn't care that you guys hated me or wanted to kick me out, to me, you were my friends. The first friends I've had in so long and I couldn't help but cherish every moment. But then I managed to force Henley away again and I can never make up for that mistake or even forgive myself. I never meant to do so but I truly became arrogant and it forced her away and for that I'm so sorry.
But at the same time that brought us Lula. She holds so much potential. With me gone, she can easily become the showman and Henley can now come back and you guys can finally become as great as you should have always been without me holding you back.
And isn't this weird? I've attempted so many times and never succeeded but I learned from my failures over the years. I think I can finally succeed in this attempt; I yearn to finally succeed.
Merritt, even though we constantly fought, you are a good man. I know how your brother has treated you and used you, he tells nothing but lies honestly, so never listen to a word he says. You have such a big heart but at the same time refuse to let anyone walk all over you and that is what makes you so different from others. Your gift with hypnosis is astounding, even if you couldn't use your hypnotism on me, but that is my own fault in that with all my masks in place, you can't get to the true me hence why it never works. But I know you will go far as a magician. Also, take the chance to finally go out with Henley, just make sure to take care of her please.
Henley, I know I've hurt you and I can never apologize enough nor can I even ask for you to forgive me. I honestly just wanted you to succeed without me holding you back and you did. I hope you rejoin the Horsemen because it isn't the Horsemen without their escape artist. Go for Merritt, he will take care of you, and even if he doesn't, you are a big girl and will surely put him in his place.
Lula, you have such potential. Ease up a little on the morbid or at least time it a little better but I know you will go far. Please take care of Jack for me.
Jack, you are such an amazing magician and person. I've had the honor of watching you grow over time and it was fantastic. The way you handle cards and are able to manipulate them is breath taking. And as a fellow street artist, I'm happy that you were able to join the Horsemen because you deserve it. Don't ever let anyone put you down, and I'm sorry I have because you don't deserve that. Especially when you told me in the beginning how I was your idol, and to be quite honest, I was flattered and honored as no one had every told me that before. I'm glad I was able to inspire you to take up magic. But you shouldn't have me be your idol; I'm nothing more than a broken shell of a man that is barely surviving life. You are a master of your art, never let others tell you different, especially me, and make sure to take care of Lula.
Dylan, you are honestly one of my idols. I never told you and I regret it. Especially after what happened just a month ago, where I almost killed you because I was trying to control something that was out of my control. I'm so sorry for that and I could never make that up to you. I'm so honored that you have now joined the Horsemen because I know you will make us better. You might currently be in the shadow of your father's success, but I know how you will just overpower him until you are the only Shrike. You are honestly such a great magician and person.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for all the pain and hurt I've put all of you through. You are all my friends though, you are my everything. I would give everything for you guys, even magic. I know you all probably hate me, and I don't blame you because I honestly hate myself as well. But I hope for just a moment that you considered me as your friend, if only for that single moment.
I'm sorry for everything. I really am.
I'm just tired at this point. Tired of the acting and masks, tired of being hated by everyone and everything. Tired of even trying. And I really did try, I swear.
But I can't do this anymore. I'm nothing but a useless freak and it is time for me to finally accept that.
I love you all so very dearly and I am so sorry. Please forgive me someday.
Jason Daniel Atlas"
The letter was smudged and was a mess of crossed out words and lines and had tear stains. All 4 of the Horsemen were crying as Dylan barely managed to finish the letter himself as tears ran down his face.
None of them knew what to say, let alone even think. How could none of them have noticed? How had none of them notice that everything was an act?
Merritt was famed for being able to read people but he never saw this. He never saw the pain that the younger man had kept bottled inside. What kind of mentalist was he if he couldn't notice his own friend's struggles?
Dylan was the leader. Dylan was horrified at himself for never taking notice, well that wasn't right. He took notice of Danny drawing away but didn't give it much thought as they had just gone through a trying experience in Macau. Plus it was easy to understand that Danny would feel guilty but that didn't excuse Dylan for not reaching out.
Jack was just blank. He couldn't get a single thought to truly form. All that flooded his mind was the picture of Danny (his idol, his friend) on the floor, bleeding but looking peaceful.
Lula wasn't that close with Danny as she was the new member. But she had noticed how the others had treated him and simply assumed that it was regular and Danny knew that they cared for him. She shouldn't have just accepted it. She should have questioned it, should have told Danny how great he was even when he was an arrogant dick because even the most egotistic people need support.
But the damage was done. Now Danny was in the ER, maybe not even fighting for his own life. None of them even knew if they would have the chance to make up for their mistakes. But even then, they realized that Danny didn't see them at fault, he only saw himself as the villain.
That was far from the truth. Sure Danny was controlling and acted like a dick but that didn't make him such a horrible person. He was still caring and they could see him pushing them to be better and sometimes they might catch him watching them practice with a tiny smile in place. Merritt once caught Danny posting a review on Henley's website giving tips and compliments on her performance, all without signing his name.
Danny was the one that helped wrap their wounds and made sure they all ate and slept, even if he didn't do it himself. He would do things that none of them could even muster energy to do as rehearsal was exhausting. Danny would plan out and triple check so that everything went to plan and if it wasn't, he went and fixed it himself.
Dylan randomly thought of how Danny's first name was Jason and snorted internally. Danny saw the name as a curse, mocking him with the meaning of "to heal". Yet Danny did exactly what his name entitled. Danny helped all of them heal in some way beyond the show. Dylan got help in that Danny would let Dylan rant to him. Danny would sit quietly in the library with Dylan, just offering silent support; or sometimes talking so Dylan could focus on something else.
Danny healed relationships and provided an arm for others to grab on as well. Jason fit Daniel more than the showman realized.
Daniel slowly regained consciousness and the first thing he noticed was how heavy his body felt. Instantly he was filled with dread as he forcefully opened his eyes to stare at a ceiling he knew to be from the hospital.
He frantically turned his head to his right and left taking into account the machines before he just laid for a good amount of minutes just staring at the ceiling. His mind was sluggishly trying to process what occurred before he gritted his teeth and lifted his arms to see them wrapped in gauze.
Tears started to furiously fall down his cheeks as he stared almost unseeing at his arms. Then his mind was filled with just chanting "No". He wasn't supposed to survive. He wasn't supposed to be alive anymore. But why would he ever get what he wanted?
Daniel continued to stare at the ceiling for a moment with his arms in the air before he opened his mouth in a silent scream of frustration. He quickly, or as quickly as his drug induced body could go, he started to rip and tear at the gauze around his arms. He also started to tear out all of the needles that were connected to his arms. He knew that if he took off the gauze and opened the wounds he would start bleeding; along with if he just took out the needles he would bleed from that too. He had already lost a big amount of blood so it wouldn't take as long to die from blood loss.
He was able to get through the gauze to his right arm and scratched frantically at the scabs, before focusing all his efforts on tearing out the stitches on his wrist and elbows.
By then, the ringing in his ears had died a little and let some sound finally register as he heard yelling and then there were hands on him, trying to stop him.
He started to harshly rasp out, "No! Let me go! I shouldn't be here! I wasn't supposed to survive this time!"
But by then, the ringing had returned so he couldn't hear any response so he kept saying the same statements while trying to fight against all the hands that were trying to stop him.
He had managed to get right arm as it was now bleeding profusely, and he was desperately trying to get to his left arm. He realized he wasn't succeeding in getting to his left arm and as his right arm was finally secured, he bit as hard as he could into his left arm trying to break the skin and stitches.
Someone forced his jaw open and managed to pull his arm out of his mouth. Somewhere in a tiny part of his mind, Daniel noted how not all of the hands were from nurses or doctors. He also noted how the pain was slightly dulled from pain medication but didn't give it much thought.
His arms were tied down now and were being treated but he couldn't do this. He should be dead. He wanted to be dead. He neededto be dead. Didn't they understand?
Daniel shook his head viciously before starting to gnaw on his tongue, trying to bite through it. He could drown in his own blood or even still die from blood loss. Not the best way to die but Daniel was desperate at this point. But biting through his tongue was harder than he had initially thought.
He finally broke through and blood started to flow freely into his mouth. It also started gushing out of his mouth as well as down his throat. He just clenched his jaw harder, forcing the blood to stay in his mouth, even as it also flowed down the sides of his mouth.
It was so hard to breathe through the blood and he wanted to open his mouth so badly to breathe properly but he refused. If you can't succeed here, they'll lock you up and everyone will know how pathetic you are.
It was such a horrifying thought when the voice actually helped him relax into fully committing suicide by drowning himself in his own blood. And wasn't that sad? The malicious voice in his head brought him comfort.
But the blood was being soaked up with towels as it was soaking his gown and bed sheets. He felt a needle go into him and his muscles started relaxing against his will.
He sobbed harder around his clenched jaw and he felt it start to relax and it was soon after that the medical staff was able to force his mouth open, making all the blood he had kept in his mouth just spill out onto himself, soaking him in his own blood again. With his mouth open, they forced him to start breathing properly and worked on stopping his tongue from bleeding.
Daniel dimly noted that he didn't succeed, again. The voice was going to be pissed when he woke up. Everyone else will be pissed that he caused all this trouble and made them waste all this money on a hospital bill. A hysterical hiccup of laughter left him as he was reminded of a line his grandmother would always tell him:
"Fight it…"
Why? Why are you putting yourself through this?
"…because you deserve to fucking win."
He wasn't so sure anymore.
The Horsemen were once again outside Danny's room. But this time, it was his room in the hospital and they were covered in varying amounts of blood.
They had been the only ones currently there when Danny had woken up and had frantically tried to reopen his wounds.
They had also rushed inside while both Jack and Merritt had been yelling at him to stop. Quickly though they saw the glaze in Danny's eyes as he continued to cry while trying to get to his wounds.
They had all been there as Danny had finally reopened his wounds in his right arm. They were there as he bit into his left, looking so desperate. They were forced to leave just as blood had started gushing out of his mouth as they were told he bit through his own tongue trying to drown.
None of them spoke a word as the doctors finally came out announcing he was sleeping now and his wounds were closed. They also explained they put Danny in a drugged induced sleep, to give his body a chance to recover, along with not allowing him to try another attempt. One of the nurses was currently sitting with Danny to watch over him but soon the other doctors and nurses left.
All of them were just replaying what Danny had been yelling the whole time, saying how he was worthless and they should have let him die; how he deserved to die.
That was the moment any tiny thought that he might regret his suicide, was completely destroyed. Any innocence concerning the situation was crushed. And something lost can never be returned.
But this was also the moment each of them were filled with determination to help their friend and so they promised themselves:
Merritt promised to actually start truly looking at people and to help them. He promised that he would ask every expert and read all the books he could to help Danny get past this; or to at least help him survive this because he wasn't naïve to think that Danny will be all better right away.
Lula promised herself to not just accept things anymore, to actually question when something doesn't seem right. She promised to constantly remind Danny of how he wasn't replaceable, of how amazing of a magician and a person he was.
Jack promised himself to not just accept facts given to him, to actually look into the matter instead of accepting at face value. He knew Danny wore a mask but assumed it was just to hide a few things like all of them did. He would respect privacy of course, but he would at least reach out now. He promised that he would give Danny an ear to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, and to have Danny always know that Jack was here for him no matter what.
Dylan promised himself to not allow anyone to go through anything alone. When he sees one of the Horsemen acting different, he will actually try to find out what happened and attempt to help even if it was just being silent support. He promised that he would always keep an eye on Danny and made sure to take care of him as it was clear Danny didn't take care of himself.
With these promises in place, the 4 Horsemen had unknowingly strengthened all their bonds with each other and Danny. Danny had helped them all heal and bond, so it was their turn to try and return the favor.
The following months were tiring and difficult. It was nearing a year since the incident that changed everything for the Horsemen.
None of them let the others become self-destructive and they all made sure the others knew how much they meant. Sure they still fought but now there was a solid layer of affection and support beneath everything they did.
They still did shows in public but it wasn't the same and of course the public noticed immediately. The hospital Daniel had been taken to had easily accepted them and each nurse and doctor that worked on Daniel personally told the other Horsemen how they wouldn't sell them out to the media, or what occurred in the hospital. The relief and gratefulness that flooded them couldn't be explained.
There was a doctor and a couple of nurses that explained how either the Horsemen helped them personally with their magic, and/or how they were in either the Horsemen or Daniel's position and knew how it felt and that they refused to make it worse through sharing with the media.
But of course, someone found out and released it to the media, no matter how hard the medical staff and Horsemen had tried to get rid of it. Daniel's attempt went public and there was a flood of publicity about it. There were some that were genuinely afraid and worried about Daniel but those were quickly outnumbered by those saying that Daniel was doing it for attention or that it was fake, especially concerning Jack's "death", especially since right after it was released to the media, it was also shown that Jack is alive.
But that was quickly changed when after a show, after a reporter asked too many times about how they could have worked with such an attention seeking asshole that Jack finally snapped.
He turned swiftly around and stood in front of the particular reporter and started talking, "You really want to know? Yes Danny would act like an asshole but that was ok because that was who he was and we all accepted it. But attention seeking? Never. No, J Daniel Atlas was not an attention seeker. He never even asked for the simplest of things and tended to try to fade in the background. His attempt at suicide was not attention seeking. Because I don't know how you can call it attention seeking when he was quietly laying on his floor in his room dying. I wouldn't call it attention seeking when we all walked into that room as Daniel was bleeding on the floor, falling asleep. It wasn't attention seeking when directly after he woke up crying because he was alive and he didn't think he deserved to be. So how was it working with him? It was brilliant because he is a caring man that only wanted us to get better. So don't you dare call him an attention seeker."
The crowd had been utterly silent throughout Jack's speech and the reporter was extremely pale. Jack just walked away and the crowd remained quiet, everyone afraid to break the tense silence.
No one called Daniel an attention seeker after that.
Suicide awareness though quickly started getting attention then and many people were horrified to learn how common suicide was, and even discovering a close friend, sibling, and/or partner had either considered or even attempted suicide.
The Horsemen had each set up separate emails and mailboxes just for anyone to send a letter when they needed an ear or help as that person considered suicide. At first a couple of people treated it as a joke, but those that did were then visited by that specific Horseman and after having a conversation, realized how serious suicide was and that it wasn't a game. After that, emails and letters came flooding in but each one was read and replied to.
And if some people got a visit when it was severely concerning, no one said anything. No one said anything as suicide awareness organizations got donations and wards in hospitals that had attempted suicide patients were visited.
Henley had rushed over after Daniel's attempt once she was informed and she was horrified as she read the letter and was told what occurred.
Henley refused to come back to the Horsemen but joined the eye and visits any time she can. She also started dating Merritt claiming that if Daniel noticed then it was too obvious. Jack later joked that this is why Daniel was given the Lovers card in the beginning. Lula hit him in the shoulder.
They weren't perfect, the memory of what happened would forever haunt them and sometimes one of them would get a nightmare about it. But they tried.
Daniel finally found some peace. It wasn't perfect and of course the voice never left but it was much quieter and he wasn't constantly filled with loneliness and emptiness. There were times he would just sit and stare at the scars on his arms and wonder what would happen if he had succeeded and sometimes wishes he did.
But one of the biggest things was Daniel accepting that the other Horsemen did care and love him though sometimes he had the thought that they only did it out of sympathy but during those moments somehow the others knew and came to reassure him that they did truly love and care for him.
Another huge development was Daniel accepting his first name. He wouldn't believe that he truly did heal so many others but he would accept that he himself was healing. Dylan regularly used Daniel true name, Jason, and he was the only one that Daniel would allow to call him as such.
The others never allowed any reporters near Daniel but Daniel had his own email and mail box and out of everyone he got the most mail. He also was the one that went out of his way for those people, especially so they knew they weren't alone.
So maybe Daniel did deserve something else. Daniel did deserve happiness and love.
Because this time it was different.
Thanks for reading and I hope you like it. Please leave a review!
-Saffire