Unfixable

Warnings: depression, suicide attempt

Summary: Bruce has been dealing with his depression but has a few setbacks. He finally thinks he can't deal with anymore setbacks and buys himself a gun. It didn't work last time but he wants to try again. Tony finds him.

a/n: This takes place somewhere after the first Avenger's movie but before the second. I really only know the characters through their portrayal in the movies, and more recently, through some info I've stumbled across in the fandom. I apologize if I've gotten anything drastically wrong. Enjoy reading my angsty sap though!

A few tears slid down the physicist's worn cheeks. He brushed them away with a shaky hand as he picked up the familiar heavy weight of the loaded gun. He had bought it a while ago, just in case. It was like a safety net. Generally he felt better having it around, not to use on anyone else but rather in case he needed it for himself. He knew the last time he pointed a gun at himself, the barrel scraping the inside of his mouth metallic taste paradoxically making him feel calm and anxious at the same time, it didn't work. But maybe…maybe he just had to try it again. Maybe it would work. Maybe the new drug he'd been working on (and had taken earlier) would stifle the Hulk keeping him at bay so he could finally get the job done.

General Ross wouldn't have him, wouldn't ever be able to use him as a weapon. And Tony? Tony…would move on. He'd said it himself: billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. He had this life thing down to an art and everything in the world at his fingertips. The man had gently encouraged him to see a therapist that Tony himself had spoken to, said therapist was under so many confidentiality agreements and really only worked with the team. Bruce reluctantly took Tony up on the offer when he'd had a breakdown in the lab a few weeks ago and that resulted in an appearance of the Hulk who subsequently turned the place upside down. Tony hadn't been mad, or so he'd said, he just wanted his "bro" to be okay. Tony had been his flirtatious self since Bruce had moved in and Bruce hadn't been sure what to make of it. He didn't care that Tony was a man, but why would Tony be interested in a fuck up like him?

Since he'd agreed to talk to this therapist, Tony had been doing everything in his power to show his support without being too obnoxious about it. That's what bothered Bruce the most. It was like Tony fucking cared! It made no sense to the physicist. So Bruce had made more of an effort to keep himself in a positive state of mind, ignoring his darker thoughts and telling the therapist everything he thought she wanted to hear: that he was taking his meds, that he was journalling, and that he was relying on the support of his "friends". He was taking the meds but they weren't doing much, he was writing his shit down and burning it up (no one should ever be privy to those thoughts). But his only real friend was Tony. Everyone else tiptoed around him so he just pretended that everything was fine.

It was really, he could keep up the charade. It's not like he didn't have a lifetime of practice. He didn't tell Tony everything though, he just said enough to keep him believing he was getting better because if he wasn't getting better, Tony might not stick around. He warred with himself about why he cared what Tony thought and the only thing that made sense was that he liked Tony…maybe even loved him a little. He enjoyed listening to Tony, bantering with him, throwing ideas between each other, spending time in the lab even if the other man poked him with pointy things every so often. He had a lot of fun with the man but despite that, he was still burying things, still pushing them away, as though pretending that they were not there would simply make them disappear. Deep down he knew it wouldn't but he could keep trying, right?

Bruce bit his lip gripped the gun in his hand, finger toying with the trigger button. He glanced at the small note a few feet away from him on the table. It was his suicide slash thank you slash sorry note. After all, he owed Tony a great deal for having him there both a thank you and an apology. He extended that sentiment to the team.

Bruce thought about Tony and how much he'd miss him, his silliness, his gentle affectionate gestures and lewd come-ons. Bruce shook his head, but at least this way Tony would have the chance to find someone who wasn't so screwed up. This was for him and for Tony. It would be better this way.

The physicist squeezed his eyes closed and put the gun to his lips. Death was curling her cold fingers in a come hither gesture.

"Bruce!" That wasn't what dying sounded like, Bruce thought.

The next thing he knew, the gun was knocked out of his hand hitting the ground with a loud clatter and Tony was there standing in front of him looking paralyzed with shock and fear about what he'd just found and stopped. Bruce vaguely noticed that he had on one of his Iron Man gloves that'd apparently got him there as quickly as he did.

Bruce blinked and looked at the other man. When he realized what Tony had done he scowled and glared at the man.

"What the hell?"

Tony got in his face and gripped his shoulders tightly, "What do you mean what the hell?! That's what I should be asking you!"

The spectacled man looked away, avoiding Tony's eyes. Tony wasn't having that though, he released one shoulder and held his chin searching his gaze. Bruce pursed his lips and looked away again in shame. He couldn't do it anymore, didn't Tony understand?

Suddenly Bruce was angry. His eyes flashed green but he suppressed the Hulk, he didn't need the Other Guy coming out and interrupting this. He took deep breaths, trying to even them out and shoved the other man.

"Tony, you can't fucking fix me! Stop trying. Just… just stop."

"What? What are you talking about?! I'm not!"

"Yes you are. The therapist, the attention, the new projects. Fuck! I just—I can't. I can't," Bruce was gasping by the end, trying to not erupt in tears.

"Bruce…" Tony breathed out, eyes softening. He was still incredibly angry, he couldn't believe Bruce would try this…again. He thought he'd been helping and Bruce was getting better but it looked like that wasn't the case.

The physicist shuddered and shook, trying to catch a breath. Finally he said, "I'm a broken mess and I'm unfixable and it's not worth it to spend your time on trying to fix something that can't be fixed."

Tony stopped, mouth opening and closing as though he didn't know what to say. He reached toward the physicists and put a warm hand on his arm. Bruce's fingers flexed into a fist and his jaw was tight, something like panic pulled at his throat, making it feel tight and making his eyes water. He tried to catch his breath.

Tony moved into Bruce's personal space and wrapped his arms around Bruce. He held him close and breathed in his scent, felt his solid physique, and the steady rise of his chest with his breathing. He wanted to hold the other man to try and convey without words that he was worth it. That his attempts at "fixing" Bruce wasn't really that at all, it was that he couldn't stand to see him so sad and he would do anything to make even a few moments out of his day a little better. It didn't mean he had to be perfect because as far as Tony was concerned, Bruce already was. Perfectly imperfect. Hell, Tony could empathize to some degree; he wasn't anywhere near perfect despite his ego trips which were all surface anyway. He knew deep down there was a lot wrong with him, the difference between him and Bruce was that he knew it was okay.

Tony pulled the slighter man closer and Bruce grabbed onto the engineer's shirt as though it was the only thing keeping him tethered to anything real. He inhaled Tony's steady scent feeling that although he was falling apart, the man holding him like this kept him together even for a few moments.

"Bruce, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think I was fixing you. That would be impossible. I—I love you the way you are. You are worth it though. You are worthy of feeling better and if I can even make you feel better for a little while, it's worth it to me," Tony said quietly.

Bruce huffed in a frustrated breath, "I'm trying, Tony. Well, was. But just sometimes…sometimes it's too hard and I want it to stop."

Tony swallowed heavily, "Yeah, I get it. And you can talk to me because I want to be there. You don't have to be perfect all the time, I don't mind helping you keep yourself together. It's never an inconvenience."

Bruce bit lip and raised his dewy gaze up to Tony's. "Well, you have a life. I can't expect you to always be there."

The engineer shook his head and kissed the other man's forehead, "I get that you feel like you can't but you're not holding me back. You matter to me, Bruce. When I wake up and feel inspired to invent something or I figure out a solution to something I've already created, you're the one I want to share that with. Not only for my sake, but for yours too. You're brilliant and you come up with amazing ideas and we're a real team! I want you here always and I'll do anything to keep you here with me."

Bruce sighed relaxing fully into the other man's hold. "I. You know. You too."

"Hm?"

"I uh…I love you…too," Bruce stammered out.

Tony smiled slightly and kissed his lips gently. Bruce let him.

"I want you the way you are, Bruce."

Bruce chewed his lip and shook his head, "But you know. I'm not suddenly going to be better. I mean… I want to do this with you, I want you… But I- I'm not cured. I'm not fixed."

Tony shook his head, "Like I said, I like you the way you are, warts, green skin, and all."

Bruce was still confused but he nodded, "Okay."

"Just please. Please don't try this again. Promise me, please?" he glanced at the gun flashing in the sliver of moonlight cast on the floor.

Bruce nodded and knew that if he promised this to Tony, he wouldn't break it. "Okay, I promise."

Going forward, there would be rough patches, lots of them, but Tony would never regret it. If Tony kept Bruce tethered, Bruce did the same for Tony. Tony told him this and Bruce let him in a little more every day.

Fin.

a/n: This kind of spilled out. I kinda love this pairing. I'd love to hear your feedback.