A/N Ok, before you assume anything, I just want to tell you up front that I don't hate Mary Sues. I just like to poke fun at them. There are some pretty good ones out there, but every now and then I come across one that's just utterly horrid and is begging to be made fun of. This goes out to those fics for being my inspiration.
This story is dedicated to The Ramin Ninja, because she is the queen of everything.
If girls knew that there was an academy for Mary-Sues, I bet you over half of them would be considering whether or not to go there. Most of the girls that came out of that place came out a changed girl, possessing all the skills necessary for a true Mary Sue. But there was one case where it was different. There was one girl that did come out of there unchanged, yet expected to carry out her duties. Her name was Beth.
She hadn't chosen to go to Camp Green Lake. They had sent her there because she was the only one at the academy that was passing all her classes. She was the only that truly possessed a fully functioning brain. Yes, she had known what she was doing at the academy, but it hadn't really soaked into her. She hadn't actually become one of…them.
Now, she was on her way to Camp Green Lake on A YELLOW BUS!
She looked out the dirty, greasy, grimy, yucky, gooey, repulsive, vomitacious, and over-all disgusting window out at the landscape that surrounded her. By God, there were a lot of holes. Unfortunately, at that moment, the driver of the bus had fallen asleep at the wheel and drove into one of the holes she had been looking at. The bus exploded, and that's how Beth died.
Ok, that didn't really happen, but don't you wish it did sometimes?
ALRIGHT, back to the real story. Beth hadn't REALLY committed a crime, but the judge had sent her there anyway because she was (dun dun duhhhnn!) FRAMED! And because she smelled kind of funny.
Well, actually that was the story that she was supposed to tell all the other campers as well as the warden. The academy had given her that story (kind of like a witness protection program), as well as a supply of all the things needed to maintain her Mary Sue-dom. (for example: blonde dye, padding for her bra, breath mints, etc.)
Beth stared at the guard who was asleep. She rummaged through her bad and threw her pack of see-through thongs at him that the academy had provided, but he didn't wake up. She figured she could've escaped right then and there out the window, but her 5-inch pumps and too-short mini skirt kept her from doing that. Cursed be these bloody high heels! She thought to herself. But she would find that they would be of better use later in the story….
Slowly, the bus came to a stop. She had arrived at the camp, and boys could be seen everywhere.
"Fresh meat!" someone yelled from outside. Little did he know that too many people at the camp had gotten tired of him saying that over and over again and those few were going to attack at any moment.
That moment had arrived. "Get him!" Someone cried, and half of the guys started chasing him with their shovels and some duct tape.
Beth walked down the aisle of the bus, picking up the thongs she threw earlier and tripping in her heels the whole way. Unlike her peers at the academy, she hadn't gotten an A+ in The Arts of Strutting Your Stuff 101.
The guard followed her out with his shotgun. She stepped outside, and all jaws dropped. The academy had told her to expect this kind of behavior from all kind of menfolk throughout the story.
"Damn, she's fine!" all the boys said in unison. She looked at each of them. They were all wearing the same yucky orange jumpsuit.
"Hey chica," One kid said seductively, "what's your name?"
Beth wanted to impale him with the shovel he was holding, but she quickly remembered the routine the academy had made her memorize. She sighed deeply, and then went through with it. She put on a huge smile that took up her whole face, "I'm like, Beth. What's your name?" and she began giggling insanely.
He smiled at her and said, "They call me Magnet." He said as he ran his fingers over his almost bald head. "Maybe we should hang out some time."
Beth wanted to puke, but she kept going, "Wow, like, that would be SO awesome!"
The boys continued whistling at her and making rude comments(i.e. "Nice ass!"), but soon, they began to drool and stare at her chest lustfully. In a matter of time, they became zombie-like and started walking closer with their arms spread out in front of them, trying to touch her giant basoomas. Their eyes were blood red and they were absolutely hypnotized. If only they knew that she stuffed her bra.
Thinking quickly, Beth grabbed the guard's shotgun and began beating them down with it. They all began to scream wildly in pain. The guard, grabbing her ass and "trying to save her", pushed her into an old cabin. The boys scattered.
Catching her breath, Beth looked around the cabin. Just then, she realized she wasn't wearing a skirt anymore. The guard had "accidentally" ripped it off and ran off back to the bus, laughing manically. She was now wearing nothing but her thong and a t-shirt. (thank GOD it wasn't see-through like the others)
Then she looked at the desk which had a man sitting there and HOLY CRAP, was he ugly! Like I'm serious, he was UG-LY! Like, U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, ugly! He just sat there staring at her half-naked body.
"Um," Beth started. "Hello?"
He continued staring at her ass. A little string of drool came out of his mouth.
A/N Yes, I've see this done.
"Yo." She said loudly.
Nothing.
"Hey ugly!" She yelled.
Nada.
She rolled her eyes. She knew who this was. Mr. Sir. She had been warned by the academy of him. Apparently he had a weird infatuation with any type of woman, as well as sunflower seeds and keeping his teeth yellow at all times.
She grabbed the shotgun off the wall. Geez she thought, the second time today. "Give me some clothing!" she yelled, pointing the gun at his face.
Needless to say, he was startled. "Woah!" he said as he came out of his trance, "Now hold on missy, put the gun down."
She clicked the clicky thing on top.
"Nevermind." He said quietly. He went to the cabinet hastily and threw her a jumpsuit.
She put the gun down and put the suit on. It smelled pretty bad. "So," he said, sitting back down and looking at his clipboard, "you're Beth Miller."
"Yeah." She said while sitting down on the wooden chair.
"And uh, you're here for triple homicide." He said, still looking at his clipboard.
Holy crap, is that really what they put on my record? She thought. Oh well, whatever. "Yeah." She said, nonchalantly. Then she quickly remembered her OTHER routine. "But I didn't do it!" she added quickly.
Mr. Sir looked at her oddly. "Okay…."
"I didn't do it!" she yelled as she stood up and banged her fist on the desk, trying to make a point. "I swear!"
Mr. Sir looked up alarmingly at her.
"I DIDN'T DO IT!" she screamed again, choking him and then running wildly around the cabin, kicking things and knocking things off shelves. "I DIDN'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DIDN'T DO IT!" She continued on that way for half a minute, until she got tired. She then went into the "crazy" pose the academy had taught and started rocking back and forth in the corner, while softly saying, "The happy panda bears will save me from this place… I know they will…."
Mr. Sir still looked alarmingly at her. He got up and picked up a packet that was sitting on his desk. "In this packet is all the stuff you need to know. Frankly, I'm tired of telling it to everybody, and I know the author of this story doesn't want to type it, so here you go." He threw it at her and walked quickly out of the cabin.
Beth stopped her act and smiled to herself. That had scared him off. She looked through the packet. I'm assigned to D-tent blah blah blah…five foot hole…call him Mr. Sir at all times yada yada yada…, she read to herself. Yeah, she thought, nothing I didn't know about. She got up and picked up her bags. Beth sighed as she looked out the door. This was going to be interesting.
A/N So, how was it? Was it good, offensive, lame, or just plain weird? I need to know so write me a review!