Author's Note: Hello there, this is a story that my friend and I wrote/writing. As always, I do not own the Harry Potter characters mentioned. Voldemort and Quirrell, whom are in this story act like the ones found in AVPM. . And... that's about it. I would love to hear comments and I should probably mention this story is more or less unedited.
It was a cold, dark December 31st evening, about 20 minutes to midnight, two cloaked figures hurried through the snow to a small house at the edge of the valley.
"What the hell is this?" one figure hissed. "I thought you said we would be going to your home?"
"Um... did I say that?" the other figure said tapping their wand to their face, "I don't recall saying such a thing."
"But I don't know this place...Where are we? Is this...ENGLAND?" The first figure threw back her hood as she hopped up and down in a puddle (spraying the other with muck water). She is short with pixie cut light blond hair and gold earrings going around her left ear. Her grey eyes narrowed impatiently
"Well I may have made a wrong turn. But come on, I can find a way out of this." replied the other as she pushed down her hood. She was slightly taller then her companion, her medium length hair laying messily on her head. She tilted her head, brown eyes glinting amusedly in the light.
"I certainly hope so, it's cold here. I haven't been in England in years. Forgot the cold..." the first looked around incredulously, "Where are we?"
"I'd say... England," the older girl replied, her grin widening. "In all seriousness though, we're out in the middle of bumble-fuck knows where..."
"I thought Hufflepuffs were supposed to be good finders. So find out where we are." The short one shivered and pulled out her wand, 15 inches ebony with dragon heart strings, creating a tiny fire to warm her hands. "You'd think these custom fit robes would keep one a little warmer."
"I know right?" the other girl replied, "The wind just cuts right through you. . . As for me finding where we be, I'd rather not... The last Hufflepuff that was big on finding things got knocked off. So, considering my chances, I think I'd better pass."
"Figures you didn't have the stuff to make it in Slytherin, Lynn." Rose Tannaerius sighed and leaned back on the gate and it swung open. "AGH!"
"Careful now." Lynn Manners said capturing the girl by the arm and hoisting her up back to a proper standing position.
"Grr...Damn rusty gate..." Rose brushed off the snow on her robe. "Wait...did you hear something? Like...singing?"
"That... I do hear," replied Lynn tilting her head, as she walked forth past the gate.
"Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear VOLDEMORT!
Happy birthday to you!"
Rose stared at Lynn, "Did they say Voldemort?"
"I believe so, but I find that hard to believe seeing as he was killed by Harry 'Freakin' Potter several month back." Lynn nibbled on the end of her wand looking back and forth between Rose and the house. The girl tucked her wand, a silver lime wood (with a unicorn hair core, and quite flexible) 12 ¼ inches, into her pocket for easy access, though hidden from sight. "Shall we investigate?"
"Oh yes let's." Rose rubbed her hands together and slowly made her way to window that had a soft light coming from it, she crept over and slowly, carefully peeked over the sill...
When out of nowhere, Lynn jumped, crashing through the window with a loud crash as she fell inside with a loud thump. "OH crap that didn't go as planned... Am I bleeding?"
"SHIT!" Rose leaped after Lynn, and beheld a scene of a birthday party...and two devilishly handsome men sitting in stunned silence as they stared at the body of Lynn lying prostrate in front of them. "Uhhhh...We're not here!"
Rose grabbed Lynn's robe and hauled ass back out of the window. "Damn you Hufflepuffs and your stupidity!" Rose smacked herself in the forehead.
"Well, Slytherin, what did you expect us to do? Just slither in?" asked the older girl plucking glass out of her face and hands. "God damn it, I'm bleeding..."
"Ooh, that was clever." Rose glowered.
"Uh, we can hear you, you know..."
The girls looked up to see Voldemort (obviously, this is him, he doesn't have a nose) and some other guy with short brown hair.
Voldemort leaned out the window and grabbed the front of Rose's robe (considering Lynn is sitting on the ground and therefore out of reach) and pulled her closer.
"Who are you and how did you find our super secret hideout?" Voldemort demanded pointing a finger in Rose's face (which pissed her off, a lot) and trying to sound menacing.
"Weeell, when you has a Hufflepuff, nothing is secret for long." Rose dangled in the air.
"FIND!" Lynn exclaimed, sucking at her finger and spitting out the shards of glass. She then glanced around, tsking herself, and murmured lowly, "Sorry, old habit."
"Oookay. I really wish they didn't do that...Anyway, who are you? And what business do you have here!" Voldemort turned back to Rose. The other guy seemed perfectly content in not speaking. "We were in the middle of big, important planning stuff!"
"Oh, like singing 'happy birthday' and eating cake? Put me down!" Rose snarled.
Voldemort, astonished and upset at being ordered around by a minuscule, female; immediately dropped her.
"That's better, I'm Rose Tannaerius." Rose straightened her robes and glared at Voldemort.
"And, I am Lynn. Yep, that is me, bleeding girl, right here..." she said, feeling for her pocket and her eyes closed mournfully, "Can someone help me out... I think I broke my wand from the fall..."
"I'll help you." offered the other guy, climbing out of the now-broken window.
"Quirinus Quirrell, you get back in this house and use the damn door! What the hell is wrong with you?" Voldemort shouted and waved his arms angrily. Quirrell pulled his leg back through the window and was out of sight. Voldemort didn't give him a second glance as he glared at Lynn. "And YOU! Hufflepuff!"
"Yes, sir?" the girl asked, cowering.
"Why the fuck did you jump through the window? What was your plan? What if it didn't shatter? And are you gonna fix the damn thing?" Voldemort raged.
Lynn burst into tears. "I just thought... maybe... I … um was just... going to..." Her voice went into a murmur of apologies, tears, and barely heard explainations that she didn't think the window would actually shatter so she'd just fall back on the ground.
"Oh, uh don't cry...I..."
Right then Rose grabbed Voldemort's ear and wrenched him down to her level.
"OW! BITCH, LET GO! AVADA-" Voldemort withered under Rose's stern glare.
"Say-you're-sorry-right-now-or-else!" Rose spat words out from between clenched teeth.
"Uh, I'm sorry?" Voldemort, once again bewildered to be ordered around by such a small female, immediately obeyed.
"Wow, that's a first." Quirrell murmured, amused, by this time coming out the front door.
"Silence, Quirrell, I keel you...and don't tell anyone..."
Rose released her grip and supervised while Quirrell fixed Lynn's wand and wounds. Lynn smiled gratefully over at Quirrell as Voldemort rubbed his ear sulkily and muttered about having a lousy birthday. Lynn wiping stray tears from her cheeks and got up off the snow, now shivering from the cold.
"Now, we are here because we missed our mark while disapparating, apparently someone," Rose jerked her thumb in Lynn's direction. "had cake on the brain...So now we're here."
There was dead silence for a good fifteen seconds.
"So, you guys are still alive?" Rose stared at the two.
"You guys have cake?" Lynn smiled broadly. "Ice cream cake? Cause that was what I was I thinking of."
"Uh, well," Voldemort shuffled his feet. "It is my birthday."
"And I did buy the cake from DQ," replied Quirrell rubbing the back of his neck.
"So you dohave ice cream cake." grinned Lynn, clapping her hands in excitement, having forgotten she had flew through a window not minutes before.
"And, we couldn't invite anyone else, because they're either dead or in Azkaban..." Voldemort tapped his chin with his wand.
"So?" Rose cocked her eyebrow and crossed her arms.
"Well what he is trying to say, perhaps, if you'd like, you girls could come in for a slice."
"A slice of cake or like knife?" asked Lynn demonstrating her throat being slashed. "Cause either one sounds dandy. Though I opt for cake, please."
"Uh, is she insane?" He whispered behind his hand.
"Isn't any Hufflepuff who joins the DEA?" Rose smiled.
"The what?" Voldemort asked as they all went inside.
"The Death Eaters of America." explained Rose matter-of-factly.
"I didn't know I had a branch there!"
"If you had known you may have listened to us and killed Potter with a gu-" Lynn started to say but her mouth quickly was covered by Quirrell's hand as he said sternly, "No reason to give out your ideas. Please -Lynn was it?- don't give him any ideas on how to kill Harry Potter."
"No, no it's alright, I've, uh, given up all thoughts of murdering that Potter boy." Murmured Voldemort as he opened the door for them. Rose nodded and slipped inside followed by Lynn, Quirrell, and finally Voldemort closed the door after himself. They all sat down and Quirrell started to serve cake while Rose took a look at Lynn's wand.
"See, this is why we don't jump through windows without a plan." Rose waved her own wand and Lynn's wand pulled itself together.
Lynn, barely paid attention as she snarfed down some cake. After shoving a large portion of cake, her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk the girl gurgled out what could only be presumed as a thank you. Though it sounded like, "Mrahrug Ruuuu!"
"Your welcome." Rose smiled and started to tuck into her own cake. "So, for being so secret, you sure invited us in right away. Kinda defeats the purpose of being secret if everyone is allowed in."
"Well, your Dark Marks gave you away." Voldemort gestured vaguely while swallowing.
"Uh, you didn't see them." Rose blinked astonished.
"True, but I sensed them when we got close, and you addressed me in Parseltongue, by accident, I think." Voldemort shrugged and returned his attention to his cake.
Lynn glanced over at Voldemort confused. "And you aren't the least bit worried you have someone speaking Parseltongue? Well... I can too see." Lynn squeezed her eyes tightly trying to recall a phrase she had heard Rose say once upon a time. "Si-ah-hu-sea-eth?" The older girl opened her eyes, looking over hopeful. "Did I do it right?"
"Good try Lynn, but I wouldn't call the snake or person a pink koala bear sandwich. Plus, you need to have a snake or another Parseltongue around in order for it to actually work. Watch." Rose turned to Voldemort and stared at him intently, then she started to hiss.
At first Voldemort looked amused, then uncomfortable, then he blushed. Quirrell and Lynn watched, Quirrell was astounded by Voldemort's reaction more than the event in itself, and Lynn was amused with the knowledge that her small friend was using her skills of dirty talk.
Quirrell rubbed the back of his neck vaguely aware of what was being said (due to him having been a horcrux for Voldemort before they found a way to give him his body once more) and turned over to Lynn who had burst into a small fit of giggles. He felt his eyebrow lift as he watched her giggling form turn to look over at him still chuckling amused.
"Voldemort blushed, Voldemort blushed," said the girl, grinning at the thought as she took out a small muggle device - what where they called... ah yes, camera phones or something - and quickly put it back down on her lap looking quite pleased with herself.
Voldemort shifted in his seat, watching Lynn, "What was that?" Lynn only smiled back mysteriously.
Rose smiled leaning on her fist and smiled, "I didn't think the Dark Lord got excited so easily. You've never been with a woman, have you?"
"WHAT? Yes I have, ask Bella- oh, wait she's dead..." Voldemort rubbed his knees uncomfortably. "Well, uh, not in the sense that I uh, um"
"You're a virgin?" Lynn tossed in, tilting her head slowly in his direction.
Quirrell stared in astonishment at him (apparently being a horcrux didn't mean you're privy to everything). Lynn laughed harder, falling onto the floor. Voldemort blinked and nodded his head slowly, staring at the floor resignedly.
"Wow, so it is true." Rose blinked and kept eating.
"This is the worst birthday ever..." muttered Voldemort.
"Oh, don't say that," Lynn whined. "Look look I deleted the picture. Does that may your birthday just a bit more … less crappy?"
"A little, but don't tell anyone, 'kay? I mean getting Bellatrix to back off a bit was hard enough, I don't' want anyone to know..."
Quirrell's eyes widened slightly at the announcement. He had always seemed so all-knowing of all of that stuff. For merlin's sakes, Voldemort had wanted to get Quirrell himself laid. The ex-professor felt his cheeks flame up slightly. That meant they were both were... Oh man, that is awkward.
"Fair enough, so presents time!" Rose reached into her pocket and pulled out her wand. "Usually we celebrate your birthday anyway, but since we're here I guess you can have this."
Rose waved her wand and a small paper wrapped box appeared in front of Voldemort.
"For me?" Voldemort picked it up and shook it. He tore off the paper and opened the box. :"Oh, a copy of She's All That! How did you know!"
"Well. I may have seen it ahead of time." Lynn tossed in, and she puffed out her chest in slight pride, "And I found it. Actually no, Rose did."She then felt around in her pockets pulled out a small wrapped package. "It isn't much but... here!" She thrust the gift at him.
Voldemort opened it slowly finding it empty.
"I got you AIR!"Lynn clapped her hand to her mouth as he tipped the box upside down. Then her face went all serious if not slightly crestfallen, "Okay, I actually didn't get anything to put in the box and I just remembered that I- OH! Here, I think this was suppose to be in that box."
As she felt her pockets once again, pulling out some condoms. Quirrell gasped at the sight of them, blushing a bit. "Oopsie not that, um, um... Goddamn it I lost your present? How about I give you Rose, does that work?"
"WHAT THE FU-" Lynn clamped her hand on Rose's mouth.
"Uh, I'm not so sure she wants to-" Voldy blushed again. Lynn laughed and shook her head, obviously thinking for Rose at this point.
"No, no she's fine she just- OW!" Lynn leaped back and rubbed her hand where a bite mark started to swell up. Lynn yelled, glaring at Rose, "She bit me, did you see that! She bit me. And it really hurts."
"Well don't be getting yourself in those situations," Quirrell chided as he rose out of his seat and looked at her hand from a safe distance. He tapped her hand with his wand and Lynn looked in awe as the mark began to disappears, "It will be fine."
"Not that I wouldn't want to belong to the Dark Lord," Rose wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her robe. "But don't go trying to sell me off because you forgot a present. Now back to the party, which keeps getting weirder..."
"Right, um." Voldemort blinked expectantly up at Quirrell.
Quirrell handed him a large box. Inside was a pair of Rollerblades. He smiled, shrugging as he said. "We haven't gone out yet and you promised we'd go."
"OH OH!" waved Lynn falling over from the frantic waving. "Can we go! Can we go?"
"Lynn! It isn't polite to invite oneself to things that are obviously planned for the future, in fact, we should be going now." Rose stood up from the table.
"But, but-" Lynn said, tearfully as she grabbed onto Quirrell (the closest of the two boys), "Please can I stay. I swear I'll be good. Pwweeeeaasssee?" She asked flashing puppy dog eyes
and from all her flailing almost made Quirrell tip over as her sugar rush peaked to an all time high.
"I don't-"
"PWEASE!"
"You'd have to ask Voldemort." Quirrell said sighing.
"No, she'd have to ask me, Voldemort doesn't have enough jurisdiction here." Rose said with finality.
"First off, I may be a virgin, but I have plenty of juris-dick-tion, or whatever." Voldemort stood up indignantly. "And as your Dark Lord, I say that you both mush clean and cook for us for such an insult as to say that I, Lord Voldemort, have no juris-dick-tion." Voldemort put one of his feet on his chair and struck a triumphant pose.
"Well if it goes by virginity status, I be in the same boat as you too..." said Lynn her voice low as she glanced over at Voldemort and then looking over at Rose. "Can we stay? Can we stay?" The older girl crinkled her nose, "But if we got to do chores screw that... I hate chores."
"Um, I just ordered you to do it." Voldemort deflated.
"I suppose that means we have to stay, but this little shack sucks, we'll take you to our place, in America. You can at least go outside, Americans weren't aware of what went down here, among other things..." Rose sighed and rubbed her hands together. "Well, let's go."
Rose made her way to the door and Lynn bounced after her.
"Um, did they just turn that around so that we'd be the ones being kidnapped?" Voldy glanced at Quirrell.
Quirrell looked at Voldemort and then at the two girls and back at his best friend. "I think they have." He said rather confused.
"It will be fun. I swears!" Lynn's voice called back to them.
"Well, works for me!" Voldemort raced out to the street, with Quirrell running after him.
"This time, I'll be in charge of disapparating." Rose held out her hand and they all gathered around her. "Okay, here we go."
And they were gone.