Title: When he needed me
Author: Empress V
Rating: PG-13
E-mail: empressvader01@hotmail.com
Timeline/Spoilers: Set between AJBC and Designate This. Also a scene set
around Asha's final scene in "Dawg Day Afternoon"
Pairing: Asha/Logan (hints of Max/Logan throughout)
Summary: Asha's love Logan for most of her life, but can he ever get over
the love that he lost?
a/n: Sometimes characters tend to come and go on Dark Angel with only hints
to their background and they exit without explanation. Well, that gave me
an opportunity to write Asha's missing story and play with her history with
Logan. And write her character a clean break from the DA Universe
(somewhat). I also got to make up anything I want for the S1W, which was fun.
Disclaimer: sniff sniff, Dark Angel was the creation of and produced by
Cameron/Eglee productions. I will miss you DA.
_________________________
'When he needed Me'
"I want to go home," Nia said. "Face it, things haven't been the same since
we were betrayed by our own. And Eyes Only doesn't need us anymore with two
super soldiers on the payroll."
"They're not on the payroll," Asha argued.
"Just because one is your boyfriend--"
"He's not," Asha interrupted. "Alec was a mistake. Thankfully, not to big
of a mistake. Romantically at least, Logan was too."
"It's not the same," Nia said. "All Eyes Only cares about is Transgenics
now. Who cares about starving kids and police corruption and the advantages
being taking on the everyday man because of a failing economy."
"He cares," Asha said.
"Maybe he did," Nia said. "But it's like he's forgotten that anybody
without a barcode is worth fighting for. I sympathize with the transgenic
people. Their creation never should have been, but now that they're here, they
are people with rights. And it's wrong to enslave them, even in the military.
But this world isn't heaven for any of us. This isn't my fight, I'd rather be
home securing my own family's welfare."
"I understand Nia," Asha said. "I hope you know you were one of the best
friends I had. I'll miss you." She hugs her. "Do what you have to do."
"And what are you going to do."
"I have to give Logan this," Asha said. "It's video of--"
"Let me guess, a transgenic?"
Asha didn't reply.
"I won't be here when you get back," Nia said.
It saddened Asha to hear it, but she understood.
Just a year ago, not even a year ago, they had been so confident. They
fled San Francisco for Seattle patting themselves on the back. It seemed
like a lifetime had passed since then and in that time she'd grown up a lot.
*********
About a year ago....
Asha skimmed the apples in the fruit stand of the sidewalk market. She had
been in Seattle for two days and things had only gotten more difficult for
herself and the S1W members that fled to Seattle. As much as she respected
their new impromptu leader, she knew the group was on the verge of falling apart.
Nia, who was across the street examining poultry, knew the same. They needed
something, someone, stronger, to get the group back on it's feet.
Asha thought she should call her mother, she hadn't spoken to her in a long
time. There argument still rang loud in her ears some nights and it had
been many years since she'd laid eyes on her mother.
"Asha," Nia said coming over. "I don't know if we can get enough for
everyone on our budget. These are cheep prices, but not cheep enough."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I was hoping you would say that," Nia said with a smile. "That guy over
there knows were we can score some decent stuff in bulk."
"What guy?" Asha questioned.
Nia pointed across the street.
"I know him," Asha said softy.
"You do?"
Yes, she knew that scruffy looking guy standing there in a jacket to well. To look
at him, you'd think he was broke. Struggling like the rest of the folks in the
street. But she couldn't believe that, because she knew this guy or at
least she'd known him as a Cale boy. She knew the kind of money he came from. Logan
sweated money, didn't he? But Logan had always been a rebel, at
least in the days she had known him. However, there was something different in
his eyes now, something sad, lonely, broken. How far had he fallen?
"Stay here," Asha said.
Asha walked slowly across the street toward him. He was looking at some
chickens and didn't see her. When she reached him, she couldn't think of
anything intelligent to say. Hello just didn't seem clever enough.
"Yale boy," Asha said. "What you doing in my neighborhood?" She had said
the same thing to him years ago.
He turned and looked at her. His eyes lit up as if he hadn't seen anyone,
really seen anyone, in a long time.
"Asha," he said. "What are you doing here?"
"Trouble at home."
"Home being?"
"San Francisco."
"And now you're here?"
"Yeah, but I'm not alone."
"Married?"
"No"
"Children?"
"No," Asha said. "You just met my friend Nia, we're here together." He
gave her a questioning look." Not like that, there's a lot of us. But
right now we're just trying to eat."
"Yeah, Nia was telling about that. Maybe I can help you out with that."
"We're alright, we always get by. And You don't seem to be doing great
yourself."
"I guess I do look like a bit of a bum," Logan said looking down at his
clothes. "I haven't had much of a reason to change clothes or bathe for
that matter."
"What happened Logan? Last I saw you were all ready to marry what's her
name."
"Daphne," Logan said. "Daphne and I never got down the aisle. I did get
married though and divorced."
"Divorced? So no wife, any kids?"
"No"
"I never imagined I'd run into the heir to the Cale family fortune in a
street side market all alone."
"Heir to the Cale family fortune? Hardly, I was only one of many feeding
out the family pot. And that pot is dry. Well, not really. But what
happened to Cale industries recently didn't exactly help my monetary
status, but I'm hardly destitute."
"That's right, the Hover Drone thing. I read about it somewhere. You were
investigated right?"
"Cale industries was," Logan said. "I was just a man with an interest in
the company, I didn't run it, Jonas did. After his death, Bennett handled
things. I believe he's the head Cale man now."
They stared at each other for awhile, neither quite knowing what to say
next.
"Like I said, I'm not destitute. I can help you and your friends."
"I would really appreciate it," Asha said. "If it's really not a burden."
"My car's just around--"
"Car? It's not a limo is it?"
"No, it's just a car."
"Still, if you own a car, the poor, broke, look you're sporting now, really
must just be a look."
Asha signaled Nia to come over and join them. Nia ran over.
"I thought you wanted me to stand there forever," she said to Asha.
"Sorry, Logan's an old friend, I guess we carried on a bit with the
chatter."
"So you two know each other for real?"
"Yeah, we're old friends," Logan told her.
"I was in high school when he was going to Yale. We met at a party me and
my friends snuck into."
"You went to Yale?" Nia asked Logan.
"Yeah," Logan replied.
"Logan here was my first kiss," Asha said.
"I thought she was 18 at the time," Logan said in his defense.
"And how old were you?"
"Not 18, but I had to add a few years to ease his mind," Asha replied and
the two women laughed. "Logan freaked when he found out."
"All right, enough reminiscing," Logan said as he pulled out his keys.
"Let's get moving."
As they got in the car, Logan flipped out a cell phone and called a his
"guy" to tell him he was coming by. The style and design of the phone made
it clear Logan still was still in the money.
After Logan took them to pick up the food, Asha guided him to the warehouse
that was the current squatting site of the S1W (what was left of it
anyway). Harris and a couple of other S1W guys were outside doing a whole
lot of nothing (which was becoming habit). Harris didn't look to happy to
see the strange vehicle coming in. His demeanor didn't improve when he
found out Nia and Asha were with the stranger.
"Who's this?" Harris asked Asha.
"A friend," Asha replied as they all moved toward the trunk. Logan opened
the trunk. "Food, which I believe we needed."
He ripped open one box and examined the can.
"It's fine," Asha said sternly, obviously not to pleased with this
reaction.
"How do you know that?"
"Because I trust Logan."
"And what did you have to do to get this Barlow?"
"Nothing," Asha yelled back. "Logan's just generous like that."
Logan was sick of Harris by this point. He didn't like the way he talked to
Asha. Who in the hell did he think he was?
"You don't get something for nothing Barlow," Harris said.
"It's not for nothing," Logan said. "She's agreed to join me for dinner."
Harris turned toward him. He looked at Logan's three week old shirt and his
frumpy clothing. Harris looked at his face, more unshaven then usual. He
probably looked about 10 years older than he was.
"This is a lot for one date Barlow," Harris said to Asha.
"Maybe I think she's worth it," Logan replied.
Harris looked from Nia to Asha to Logan. He grabbed a box from the trunk.
"I hope she pays you back real good for it old boy," Harris said walking
away.
Some others came over and got the other boxes and Nia took the last one in.
"Please tell me that's not your--"
"If you're going to say boyfriend, stop now," Asha said cutting Logan off.
"Never has happened, never will happen."
"I just said that for him, you don't have to come--"
"You're not taking back your dinner invitation, are you?" Asha asked
looking up at him.
"Do you want to come home with me?" Logan asked.
"Do you really want me?" Asha asked Logan. "I mean, do you really want me
there, at your house."
"Yes," he replied. "I want you...at my house that is."
She smiled and he opened the door for her. She got in and he got in the
passenger side. They were silent then, a comfortable silence.
When they pulled in front of Logan's building, Asha wondered if she hadn't
made a mistake. Or Logan had made a mistake. After that party so many years
ago, Logan mastered the art of trying to get rid of her, why would he want
her here now? There was that time, that time she almost thought he loved her.
He caught her with that other guy from his dorm. A guy who was a little too
drunk and wanted to sleep with anything female with a pulse. He'd saved her that
day from losing her virginity to stranger. Not that when she finally lost it it
was anything special, but at least it was her choice.
"You live here?" she asked taking a good look at the building.
"Yeah," he replied. "In the penthouse."
"You're definitely not destitute," Asha said to herself. "What do you do?"
"A lot of little things. My interest in Cale industries allowed me to be
what I wanted. But Cale industries wasn't the beginning and end for me, I
had a trust fund and other investments to keep me on my feet. I budget
well."
"I never imagined a Cale boy would have to budget," Asha said. "I always
thought the world was at there fingertips."
"I wish."
He led her inside and up the elevator to his apartment.
********
As she entered the open space of his apartment, her eyes widened. Logan
watched her looking around, examining his things. He excused himself and
went inside the bathroom to wash his face and quickly give his teeth some
brushing. As he was doing this he met his own face in the mirror.
"What am I doing?" he asked himself. Why had she turned up now after so
many years, just appeared with a smile? Why did she want to be near him
when he looked like...like this?
He needed to be alone now, not entertaining company. The last person he had
spoken too, really spoken too, was Original Cindy. She showed up to find out
what happen, it hurt her to hear it, but she didn't know what it was like
to see it. Ever since the day he held a near dead Max in his arms, he had
felt near dead. He wanted to blame Zack and Lydecker for mission failure,
they were suppose to be the best. He wanted to blame Krit and Syl for
bailing on him saying Zack would have wanted it that way. But in the end
there was only one person to blame, himself. He failed her. And when the
ringing of that truth got to loud in his head, he had to go outside to
breath. That's what happened today and in that momment he found Asha. He
hadn't changed his clothes since the last day he held Max. It was some
illogical effort to preserve her scent, but it only preserved his guilt.
And when he saw Asha, he suddenly wanted to look better, to say hello and
get to know her without the guilt. But even that made him feel guilty. He
owed Max...no more than that, he loved Max.
He shouldn't allow himself anyone else, especially not Asha. Asha...little
Asha was here. Except she wasn't little now, she wasn't a teenager, he
wasn't a College student. He was a man, she was a woman. A woman who needed
his help. What was that group she was in? It certainly didn't seem--
What did it matter? He owed Max all his thoughts. He couldn't think about
anyone else's troubles.
He left the bathroom and walked back into the living room where he left
Asha. She wasn't there. He found her in his study looking at a frozen image
of Max's face on his computer.
"Who is she?" Asha asked.
"No one," he said running and cutting off the monitor. "You have to go."
"I didn't get my dinner."
"I never should have invited you over."
"Why?"
"Because this can't happen."
"What? Dinner?"
"Dinner," he said to himself. "It always starts with dinner."
"Logan," Asha said. "It's just dinner, not a marriage proposal. I don't
expect anything but a good meal with an old friend. If you have something
going on with--"
"I don't, you just have to leave."
"Fine," Asha said storming toward the door. "I'll leave."
Logan stood there watching her leave, but as soon as her hand reached the
door something happened. "Wait," Logan yelled. She stopped. "Stay, let me
feed you as promised. Logan Cale isn't in the habit of breaking promises."
Asha turned to meet his eyes. "Are you sure?"
"I haven't been big on company lately. Perhaps I need you...you're company
that is."
"Logan," Asha said. "What happened to you? What's wrong?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me."
"I can't, not yet." Logan told her. "I've been trusted with information, I
can't just spill to anyone. I hope you understand."
"Okay," Asha said. "I suppose I have my secrets too."
"So dinner?"
She nodded. "But why don't I help you in the kitchen."
He agreed and she came in the kitchen with him. As they worked together,
Logan had to wonder about his need to keep her here. He hadn't touched her
since they'd run into each other, not even a hug. He'd kept a safe distance
even as he smiled at her. He was afraid to touch her. If he touched her would
things change? Would the pain lessen? Would it be okay to feel something
besides loss?
He was afraid to give up on Max. He'd push Bling away in his drive to be
alone except for the memory of her, he'd been satisfied in his solitude.
Maybe now he realized that was a mistake. Asha was like family,
someone so much a part of his history it was hard not to want her to stay
even when parts of him screamed 'I want to be alone'. Turning her to the street
would be like turning away his little sister, except she wasn't his sister, not
really.
"Why don't you go wash up and change clothes for dinner," Asha told him as
she turned down one of the burners. "I can finish dinner."
'Change clothes?' he thought. "You sure," he asked.
"Yeah," Asha said. "I'm fine."
Change clothes? Clean up? Could he do it? No one had ever asked him to.
Logan entered the living room in a clean shirt and pants. He didn't know
how he had done it or why a simple request from her got him to do it. He only
knew it had been done. He had taken Max off of him. Asha didn't know he was
being aided in his mobility through a exoskeleton and he didn't want her to
know. He didn't want to appear any more weak then he already did.
Asha had laid dinner out for them when he came in. The layout was complete
with candles, the good silverware, actual plates. He had changed clothes
and he was looking at a setup he hadn't seen since Max was there.
"You clean up nice," Asha said.
"Do I?"
"The appeal of a clean shirt to a woman is amazing."
"Don't get too excited," Logan said. "I can't promise you this situation
will last."
She smiled as they sat down to eat. For a long time they were silent and
Asha picked at her food. Logan finally decided he had to say something.
"Tell me Asha," Logan said. "Who are these people you're with?"
"Friends," Asha replied. "Despite a couple of assholes, overall they're
good people Logan."
"They're not that S1W group I've been hearing about?" he asked.
Asha didn't answer.
"Asha, Freedom fighting isn't a game. Way back when I told you that--"
"You're not my father Logan," Asha interrupted. "Don't play that role
again."
"I'm just saying you have a tendency to--"
"I'm not a child anymore!!" Asha yelled sharply. It shocked Logan. Asha
took a couple calming breaths. "Let's not take ourselves right back to
where we left off. I'm no longer some little teenage girl following my
latest infatuation with a guy."
"You're not?"
"No, I don't need a guy to feel validated," Asha told him. "Can't you look
at me and see that?"
"I just see Asha."
"Your Asha," she told him. "Your little sister, isn't that what you said.
I'm a different person now, just like you are. Basically the same, but more
grown up. I'm not that girl who ran behind you waiting for your approval. I'm
a grown woman with my own ideas about things. No one controls that, not you, not
the S1W, not anyone."
"I'm sorry, it's scary to look at you and see a woman."
"Scary?" Asha asked.
Asha smiled and it was almost seductive, in a creepy way. This was little
Asha after all, except she wasn't.
"So the great Logan Cale finds me scary?" Asha asked.
Logan look down at his plate and played with his food, not comfortable with
meeting her eyes anymore. "Forgive me for questioning your judgment about
the S1W," Logan said. "It's surprisingly clear that you are a woman now."
"I'm really glad to see you Logan. I don't want to argue."
"Me neither."
They managed to finish dinner without coming close to another argument.
They talked a lot about old times, the territory there seemed smoother.
Dinner lead into the living room where they shared laughs and entertained
themselves with some TV. Then it happened, she dared to lay on him.
He nearly jumped out of his skin. She felt it and jumped back.
"You okay?"
"Yes, I just--" he began and then stopped.
"I'll leave," Asha said standing up. "This situation is obviously--"
"Don't," he said reaching for her hand.
Their was something cautious about him, something in his eyes that needed
her, so she sat back down.
"Stay," he asked her.
Logan knew he was being selfish, holding on just to hold on, using her. He didn't
understand his need for her, he just needed her to stay...and she stayed with him
...she stayed.
The next morning he woke up to the smells of pancakes and bacon. He had
been skipping breakfast since....he couldn't remember the last time he had
breakfast. And he rarely had anyone cook for him, it was ... nice, it was
... different ... it was dangerous.
He held a woman that wasn't Max all night, just held her as they lay
together on the couch. He was being seduced by the smell of someone else's
cooking. As soon as he entered the kitchen, she handed him a plate. She
must have gotten up early and washed, she smelled like soap .. she smelled
good.
"Promise me you'll eat all that, no matter how bad it taste."
He smiled. "I doubt anything that smells this good can taste bad," Logan
replied. "Asha I want to tell you that we can't ever--"
"I have to go," Asha quickly interrupted.
"What?" Logan replied surprised.
"I have to get back to the group," Asha told him. "Like I said, no more
chasing some guy."
"You're serious about the S1W."
"They've been my family for awhile now."
"Be careful," Logan said.
"I will," Asha said heading toward the door.
"Asha," Logan called and she paused. "Will you be back?"
"Maybe," Asha said leaving as quickly as possible.
When Asha left his apartment suddenly became a tomb again. An empty tomb
full of memories he didn't want to see. Only Asha's warm breakfast was left
to sooth him.
************
Asha left because she had to. She promised herself a long time ago not to
become a guy's doormat again. She'd had her wild days, but they were over.
That girl. That girl on his computer screen had something to do with his
pain, but what? Had she died or left him? Had she been kidnapped? Who
knows? All she knew was that Logan had lost that suave, controlled, man he
use to be. All the things that made him a good con-man. Logan had always
been good at getting the women he wanted, but in the end these women he
chose seem to find a way to gut him. And when Logan fell, Logan fell hard.
Asha wouldn't allow herself to go back though. She couldn't go back in
time. She couldn't become that little teenage girl again who got patted on
her head and sent home after crashing that college party. When Logan kissed
her early that night, he hadn't known, hadn't known how young she was,
hadn't known it was her first kiss, hadn't known it was her first time
being in any kind of romantic situation with a guy. She couldn't go back to
him ... at least not right now. She couldn't make him her everything again.
She wanted to believe fate had brought him to her, here in this place. She
wanted to believe this was there second chance. But the fact was, he was
grieving, he didn't want her, he just needed someone. Not to long ago that
would have been a good reason to stay, she wouldn't have left this morning or
the next day. He would have loved her because he needed it, but she would
have only been rebound girl. She didn't want that, she wanted to be seen as
a woman, to be loved as a woman and respected as a woman. She couldn't
accept anything less if she wanted to be the woman she claimed to be. She'd
be his friend, but she wouldn't be that attention starved puppy clicking at
his heals again ... at least she hoped she wouldn't.
**********
It really was his fault. Looking back Logan could see it. He'd forced her
into working for him. She said there were people who were looking for her
and working for him would just make her visible. And he hadn't listened,
because then she hadn't been Max. 10 years, for more than 10 years she had
been safe and then she met him. And in his determination to make her
believe and think and act the way he would, he'd put her in danger. He
provided an environment, a scent, for her to be tracked and captured.
His fault, it was his fault. There was no way around it. His fault, so it
was his duty to find her, fight them, or both. So he dismissed everything
and everyone else from his mind and went back to his work.
**********
"Have a good night?" Harris asked as Asha entered the building.
"Unbelievable," Asha replied. "The man could go all night."
Harris rolled his eyes and walked away as Asha met up with Nia.
"What really happened?" Nia asked.
"Dinner with an old friend," Asha replied. "He's really hurting right now.
Something happened he doesn't want to talk about right now. And it involves
a woman."
"A woman?"
"Yeah, he had a picture of her. She's really young, but she has these old
eyes."
"Old Eyes?"
"Yeah, like they've seen a lot," Asha said. "Logan needs me, I think. I'm
scared of falling for him again. I have to watch myself."
"Just go to him, take a chance."
"No"
"You want to go back to him. I can see it."
"And that's exactly why I have to stay away. I'll be his friend, but I
can't be stupid. I can't lose myself over him again Nia, I just can't."
"What, besides love, is worth losing yourself in."
"Nothing is worth losing yourself Nia. Sharing yourself and losing yourself
are two different things. When my head is mine again, I'll visit, but I
can't let him be my everything again."
"Alright," Nia said.
"So what's on the table for today?"
******************
Night had fallen. It was dark inside Logan's penthouse when Asha came in,
surprised Logan had never bothered to come to close the door. She found
Logan in the study lying asleep next to his keyboard. Papers were all over
the place and Logan's elbow was on the down key causing the screen to
scroll down quickly. She moved his arm and it stopped. The picture again.
She noticed there was a guy behind the girl this time and they were both
dressed in fatigues. She looked down at the papers.
"Manticore?" Asha said to herself. She picked up another piece of paper. "X5
452, cat DNA, 12 escaped. What is this Logan?"
"Max," Logan mumbled in his sleep.
"Max? Is that her name Logan."
As if he was aware of company, Logan slowly came awake.
"Asha?" he said sleepily.
"Yeah?" she replied. "You forgot to lock your door."
He searched for his glasses.
"What's Manticore?" she asked.
Suddenly Logan was wide awake grabbing papers from her hands.
"Who in the hell do you think you are going through my private papers!!" he
yelled.
"I'm sorry, I was concerned. I was hoping to find some answers."
"Don't worry about it, just leave," Logan said shutting down his computer and
gathering all he could to be put away.
"Fine, if you don't want to trust me, I'll leave. But Logan you're falling
apart and if you don't let someone in, you're going to kill yourself.
You're just going to waste away. And if that happens, you're not going to
be able to do anything for Max."
"How do you know her name?" he yelled grabbing her and shaking her. "Did
they send you?"
She broke away. "You said it in your sleep," Asha yelled back. "Do you
really think I could hurt you?"
He studied her silently.
"Fine, don't believe me. I'm the enemy," Asha said backing away. "I'll
leave."
She got as far as the door
"Wait," Logan said. "I'll tell you."
**********
Logan needed to clear his head, so he took a moment to make a pot of coffee
before he and Asha sat down at his dinning room table to talk.
"Have you heard of Eyes Only?"
"Yeah," Asha replied. "Big name around here. Sometimes he has broadcast
across the west coast or across the US. I heard once a broadcast of his
reached Canada. But it's mostly a local thing."
"Right, well I work for him."
"You would. I'm surprised you aren't him."
He smiled. "About a year ago I met her by accident."
"Max?"
"Yeah, she broke in here. Scared an Eyes Only witness I was holding. I
tracked her down and found out she was one of 12 escaped children from a
government lab. She was just all grown up. It was hard to believe the story
was even true until I saw her."
"And you fell in love with her?"
"Not on purpose. It started out just business and anything else seemed
pointless anyway. What would a super soldier want with an average guy. No,
worse than average, a cripple."
"A what?"
"I didn't want to tell you, but I suppose I might as well." He stood up.
As he began to loosen his pants Asha panicked. What was he doing? Then it
was revealed, some kind of metal brace on his legs.
"What's that?"
"An Exoskeleton. It helps me walk. Without it I'm wheelchair bound."
"And she left you because of that, because you couldn't walk?"
"No," Logan said. "She loved me despite it. We had out fights, arguments,
disagreements, but in the end we always fought together. And then--" He
paused unable to go on.
"Then what?"
"We tried to end it, but they took her, they won. 10 years, she was fine
for 10 years. And I make her work for me and--"
"She could have always said no Logan," Asha interrupted. "Don't blame
yourself."
"How can I not? I let them take her back," Logan said fighting tears. "I
let them take her back to her hell. I wasn't strong enough."
Logan slid in the chair and Asha walk up to him and hugged him.
They sat in silence for a long time.
"Logan," Asha whispered. "You're not alone anymore. This is just the kind
of alliance the S1W needs to come back together, to be strong again. Maybe
that's the reason we met, to make the S1W an Eyes Only Ally. " She took his
hand in hers as she backed up. "We can fight this fight together. Whatever
we have to do, we'll do. Save her or give them hell."
"You're a good friend," Logan said.
"So are you," Asha replied.
Asha facilitated a meeting between Logan and the S1W. Harris wasn't to
happy about this. However Logan's journalistic background, including his work
with Nathan Herrero, was more than enough reason for the group to agree to
hear him out along with the fact he had provided food for them. The group
seemed more than impressed with him. He talked to them about the various
accomplishments of the Eyes Only network. And said, 'While one man gets all
the credit, the success of Eyes Only was a team effort.' He said Eyes Only
has not only been a positive force in Seattle, it had been a seed for
groups like their's elsewhere. Asha was there to support him when doubters
stepped in and the alliance made sense to them. Harris couldn't fight
against the entire group.
Asha came home with him at the end of the day. Logan seemed alive again. It
was the first time, since she'd run into him in Seattle, that he really
looked alive. He broke out the drinks as they came through the door.
"To a new alliance," Logan said toasting her.
"A new alliance," Asha replied.
Asha sat in silence a few minutes, enjoying the warm moment between them.
But then she saw the stack of papers beside the couch. She didn't wonder
what they were, she knew.
"So Logan, if we get her back, if she's okay, I suppose you won't have much
use for me anymore."
"Asha, Miss Barlow, You'll always have a place in my life."
"I hope so," Asha said. "You were more than my first love you know, you
were like my mentor. But I know I wasn't ever much more than a little silly
suburban kid to you."
"You're more than that. You have a strong heart," Logan said. "Though one
thing hasn't changed."
"What?"
"You still fight like a girl," Logan said.
"Shut up," she said throwing a pillow at him. He laughed and she laughed
and for the moment there was happiness and peace.
******
Asha woke up alone on the couch. She heard typing. She peaked in the study.
Logan was hard at work again, but there was a determination in him now
instead of that dead look. His fire was back and she had helped him get it
back. That fire in his eyes made her feel good. Deep eyes, his eyes were
deep as the ocean. She still couldn't help hoping a little, just a little,
that Max wasn't coming back. She couldn't help wanting him, it wasn't
something she could turn off or control, but she knew deep down that ties
weren't broken with his super soldier girlfriend.
So she continued to help him, the group helped him in any way the could. He
helped them become more organized. Sometimes guilt still got him and he
fell down, but she was there to pick him up. When he needed a moment, she
made him relax and take a breath. They were a team.
And then Max came back and everything changed.....
******
And here she was, back in Logan's penthouse as he investigated the lastest
Transgenic trouble.
Had it only been months ago that coming to Logan's felt like coming home?
Why had she ever allowed herself to fantasize about becoming Asha
Barlow-Cale. That had been another time, another place, he didn't need her
anymore. She still refused to be that girl again, that girl who would
follow him around even when she wasn't wanted. Nia was right, Eyes Only had
an interest in the transgenic freedom that was undeniable. And she had a
feeling it had a lot to do with Logan.
She couldn't fault him, even she had been seduced by the idea of the physically
perfect mate. Alec had come out of nowhere, a genetically engineered creature of
beauty, like Max. But what Alec had wasn't in his looks, it was in his eyes, in the
way he carried himself. She liked Alec, it was hard not to like Alec even
when you were telling yourself he was jerk and a womanizer. She would have
given it a shot with Alec, but she had always loved Logan. She might have
learned to love Alec, but it was probably better that she hadn't. Not
because relationships with Transgenics were trouble, but because it was
just too complicated between the four of them. Alec had feelings for Max and
she knew it. She had feelings for Logan and he knew it. It was just to easy to
fall into each others arms. Eventually the questions and doubts would
have destroyed the two of them.
As she stood next to Logan telling him to give Max a break, that relationships
were new to Max and Alec, she knew she was really searching for a reason to stay.
But there wasn't one. There was no future with Alec, no future with Logan, no future
in the Transgenic freedom fight (at least not for her).
When she left Logan's that day, she walked for a long time. She thought
about her future, her past, her now. Perhaps the S1W would finally fall
apart, perhaps it would repair itself, but her place within it and Eyes
Only was gone. She didn't belong anymore.
She couldn't leave without saying good-bye to Logan.
It was night when she arrived back at Logan's. She entered his apartment
and thankfully he was alone. She found him shutting down his computer. He was
her mentor, her guide, her heart. And now it was time to let him go.
"Hey," she said as she walked up to him.
"Hey," he replied with a smile. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to say good-bye"
"Good-bye"
"I'm going home."
"San Francisco?"
"No, not San Francisco, home, indefinitely."
"Why?"
"You know why Logan," Asha said. "I love you. I can't have you, I know
that. Broken up, together, virus, and all ... you and Max can't leave each
other alone. You love her and she loves you."
"She has Alec now," he said with bitterness.
"If that's true, how long do you think it will last? They're too alike,
they'll kill each other."
"I want you to stay Asha, for the last year you've been my closest--"
"Ally."
"Friend." Logan looked into her eyes. "I'm surprised how much I like having
you around."
"I'll always be your friend, no matter where I am," Asha said. "But I'll
always want more and I can't have it." She walked up to him. "That hurts in
ways you can't imagine."
"I know exactly what it feels like to love someone and not be able to be
with them the way you want," Logan said taking her hand. "But what we do is
more important. The fight is more important."
Asha pulled her hands away. "It's your fight and it's your fight because
you have hope. You can hope things will change, hope there's a cure."
"Asha."
"You needed me once, but you need me less and less everyday. And now you
only want me here because she can't be here, because she can't touch you."
"That's not true."
"It is true. I've been her hands, I don't want to become her to become
her lips and her body just because I want to be with you."
"Asha," Logan said. "I would never use you like that."
"Not on purpose, you never do it on purpose, but if I stay and you get
desperate and lonely enough--"
"If you think that little of my character than go ahead and leave," Logan
said going into the kitchen and pulling out a glass. He reached for his
liquor cabinet door and she came up to him and put her hand over his.
"Logan," Asha said. "You don't want to do that. You know you want her here,
you know it's her. It just hurts right now because you don't think it's
possible. This is your calling, these Transgenics, their fight for freedom.
It's not my calling, mine is still waiting for me out there somewhere."
He took his hand off the cabinet door. After a moment he spoke again.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"For what?" Asha asked.
"Just being here for me when there was nobody else. You might have saved
me."
"Like I said," Asha said. "You'll always be my friend."
He turned to her and ran a gentle hand over her cheek. Little Asha had
saved him from the pit he buried himself in after Max was nearly killed,
after she was taken away from him. Who would have thought? Little Asha
was truly a woman now.
"I do love you Asha."
"I know, but not the way I love you."
He meant to say good-bye, she meant to walk away at that moment. But
something else took over and he kissed her. She let him kiss her, she let him
deepen the kiss. He held on to her so tight, she couldn't escape. No, she didn't
want to escape him. So they made love, for first time, for last time, it became
their good-bye.
They both understood it as good-bye. In the aftermath he lay there holding
her, not wanting to let go. You only realized what you had when it was
slipping away. He couldn't have asked for a better friend than Asha.
"I'm sorry," Logan said. "I did use you."
"We used each other," Asha said. "And it's okay." There was silence. "Give
Max time," Asha continued. "She loves you, there's no one else for her. You
are together, maybe not in the way you want, but that's not what matters."
She left in the morning while he was sleeping. His battle was here and
hers was elsewhere. She was now free of Seattle, free to find her destiny,
whatever it may be.
Good-bye Eyes Only, I'll miss your deep eyes, deep as the ocean.
END
Author: Empress V
Rating: PG-13
E-mail: empressvader01@hotmail.com
Timeline/Spoilers: Set between AJBC and Designate This. Also a scene set
around Asha's final scene in "Dawg Day Afternoon"
Pairing: Asha/Logan (hints of Max/Logan throughout)
Summary: Asha's love Logan for most of her life, but can he ever get over
the love that he lost?
a/n: Sometimes characters tend to come and go on Dark Angel with only hints
to their background and they exit without explanation. Well, that gave me
an opportunity to write Asha's missing story and play with her history with
Logan. And write her character a clean break from the DA Universe
(somewhat). I also got to make up anything I want for the S1W, which was fun.
Disclaimer: sniff sniff, Dark Angel was the creation of and produced by
Cameron/Eglee productions. I will miss you DA.
_________________________
'When he needed Me'
"I want to go home," Nia said. "Face it, things haven't been the same since
we were betrayed by our own. And Eyes Only doesn't need us anymore with two
super soldiers on the payroll."
"They're not on the payroll," Asha argued.
"Just because one is your boyfriend--"
"He's not," Asha interrupted. "Alec was a mistake. Thankfully, not to big
of a mistake. Romantically at least, Logan was too."
"It's not the same," Nia said. "All Eyes Only cares about is Transgenics
now. Who cares about starving kids and police corruption and the advantages
being taking on the everyday man because of a failing economy."
"He cares," Asha said.
"Maybe he did," Nia said. "But it's like he's forgotten that anybody
without a barcode is worth fighting for. I sympathize with the transgenic
people. Their creation never should have been, but now that they're here, they
are people with rights. And it's wrong to enslave them, even in the military.
But this world isn't heaven for any of us. This isn't my fight, I'd rather be
home securing my own family's welfare."
"I understand Nia," Asha said. "I hope you know you were one of the best
friends I had. I'll miss you." She hugs her. "Do what you have to do."
"And what are you going to do."
"I have to give Logan this," Asha said. "It's video of--"
"Let me guess, a transgenic?"
Asha didn't reply.
"I won't be here when you get back," Nia said.
It saddened Asha to hear it, but she understood.
Just a year ago, not even a year ago, they had been so confident. They
fled San Francisco for Seattle patting themselves on the back. It seemed
like a lifetime had passed since then and in that time she'd grown up a lot.
*********
About a year ago....
Asha skimmed the apples in the fruit stand of the sidewalk market. She had
been in Seattle for two days and things had only gotten more difficult for
herself and the S1W members that fled to Seattle. As much as she respected
their new impromptu leader, she knew the group was on the verge of falling apart.
Nia, who was across the street examining poultry, knew the same. They needed
something, someone, stronger, to get the group back on it's feet.
Asha thought she should call her mother, she hadn't spoken to her in a long
time. There argument still rang loud in her ears some nights and it had
been many years since she'd laid eyes on her mother.
"Asha," Nia said coming over. "I don't know if we can get enough for
everyone on our budget. These are cheep prices, but not cheep enough."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I was hoping you would say that," Nia said with a smile. "That guy over
there knows were we can score some decent stuff in bulk."
"What guy?" Asha questioned.
Nia pointed across the street.
"I know him," Asha said softy.
"You do?"
Yes, she knew that scruffy looking guy standing there in a jacket to well. To look
at him, you'd think he was broke. Struggling like the rest of the folks in the
street. But she couldn't believe that, because she knew this guy or at
least she'd known him as a Cale boy. She knew the kind of money he came from. Logan
sweated money, didn't he? But Logan had always been a rebel, at
least in the days she had known him. However, there was something different in
his eyes now, something sad, lonely, broken. How far had he fallen?
"Stay here," Asha said.
Asha walked slowly across the street toward him. He was looking at some
chickens and didn't see her. When she reached him, she couldn't think of
anything intelligent to say. Hello just didn't seem clever enough.
"Yale boy," Asha said. "What you doing in my neighborhood?" She had said
the same thing to him years ago.
He turned and looked at her. His eyes lit up as if he hadn't seen anyone,
really seen anyone, in a long time.
"Asha," he said. "What are you doing here?"
"Trouble at home."
"Home being?"
"San Francisco."
"And now you're here?"
"Yeah, but I'm not alone."
"Married?"
"No"
"Children?"
"No," Asha said. "You just met my friend Nia, we're here together." He
gave her a questioning look." Not like that, there's a lot of us. But
right now we're just trying to eat."
"Yeah, Nia was telling about that. Maybe I can help you out with that."
"We're alright, we always get by. And You don't seem to be doing great
yourself."
"I guess I do look like a bit of a bum," Logan said looking down at his
clothes. "I haven't had much of a reason to change clothes or bathe for
that matter."
"What happened Logan? Last I saw you were all ready to marry what's her
name."
"Daphne," Logan said. "Daphne and I never got down the aisle. I did get
married though and divorced."
"Divorced? So no wife, any kids?"
"No"
"I never imagined I'd run into the heir to the Cale family fortune in a
street side market all alone."
"Heir to the Cale family fortune? Hardly, I was only one of many feeding
out the family pot. And that pot is dry. Well, not really. But what
happened to Cale industries recently didn't exactly help my monetary
status, but I'm hardly destitute."
"That's right, the Hover Drone thing. I read about it somewhere. You were
investigated right?"
"Cale industries was," Logan said. "I was just a man with an interest in
the company, I didn't run it, Jonas did. After his death, Bennett handled
things. I believe he's the head Cale man now."
They stared at each other for awhile, neither quite knowing what to say
next.
"Like I said, I'm not destitute. I can help you and your friends."
"I would really appreciate it," Asha said. "If it's really not a burden."
"My car's just around--"
"Car? It's not a limo is it?"
"No, it's just a car."
"Still, if you own a car, the poor, broke, look you're sporting now, really
must just be a look."
Asha signaled Nia to come over and join them. Nia ran over.
"I thought you wanted me to stand there forever," she said to Asha.
"Sorry, Logan's an old friend, I guess we carried on a bit with the
chatter."
"So you two know each other for real?"
"Yeah, we're old friends," Logan told her.
"I was in high school when he was going to Yale. We met at a party me and
my friends snuck into."
"You went to Yale?" Nia asked Logan.
"Yeah," Logan replied.
"Logan here was my first kiss," Asha said.
"I thought she was 18 at the time," Logan said in his defense.
"And how old were you?"
"Not 18, but I had to add a few years to ease his mind," Asha replied and
the two women laughed. "Logan freaked when he found out."
"All right, enough reminiscing," Logan said as he pulled out his keys.
"Let's get moving."
As they got in the car, Logan flipped out a cell phone and called a his
"guy" to tell him he was coming by. The style and design of the phone made
it clear Logan still was still in the money.
After Logan took them to pick up the food, Asha guided him to the warehouse
that was the current squatting site of the S1W (what was left of it
anyway). Harris and a couple of other S1W guys were outside doing a whole
lot of nothing (which was becoming habit). Harris didn't look to happy to
see the strange vehicle coming in. His demeanor didn't improve when he
found out Nia and Asha were with the stranger.
"Who's this?" Harris asked Asha.
"A friend," Asha replied as they all moved toward the trunk. Logan opened
the trunk. "Food, which I believe we needed."
He ripped open one box and examined the can.
"It's fine," Asha said sternly, obviously not to pleased with this
reaction.
"How do you know that?"
"Because I trust Logan."
"And what did you have to do to get this Barlow?"
"Nothing," Asha yelled back. "Logan's just generous like that."
Logan was sick of Harris by this point. He didn't like the way he talked to
Asha. Who in the hell did he think he was?
"You don't get something for nothing Barlow," Harris said.
"It's not for nothing," Logan said. "She's agreed to join me for dinner."
Harris turned toward him. He looked at Logan's three week old shirt and his
frumpy clothing. Harris looked at his face, more unshaven then usual. He
probably looked about 10 years older than he was.
"This is a lot for one date Barlow," Harris said to Asha.
"Maybe I think she's worth it," Logan replied.
Harris looked from Nia to Asha to Logan. He grabbed a box from the trunk.
"I hope she pays you back real good for it old boy," Harris said walking
away.
Some others came over and got the other boxes and Nia took the last one in.
"Please tell me that's not your--"
"If you're going to say boyfriend, stop now," Asha said cutting Logan off.
"Never has happened, never will happen."
"I just said that for him, you don't have to come--"
"You're not taking back your dinner invitation, are you?" Asha asked
looking up at him.
"Do you want to come home with me?" Logan asked.
"Do you really want me?" Asha asked Logan. "I mean, do you really want me
there, at your house."
"Yes," he replied. "I want you...at my house that is."
She smiled and he opened the door for her. She got in and he got in the
passenger side. They were silent then, a comfortable silence.
When they pulled in front of Logan's building, Asha wondered if she hadn't
made a mistake. Or Logan had made a mistake. After that party so many years
ago, Logan mastered the art of trying to get rid of her, why would he want
her here now? There was that time, that time she almost thought he loved her.
He caught her with that other guy from his dorm. A guy who was a little too
drunk and wanted to sleep with anything female with a pulse. He'd saved her that
day from losing her virginity to stranger. Not that when she finally lost it it
was anything special, but at least it was her choice.
"You live here?" she asked taking a good look at the building.
"Yeah," he replied. "In the penthouse."
"You're definitely not destitute," Asha said to herself. "What do you do?"
"A lot of little things. My interest in Cale industries allowed me to be
what I wanted. But Cale industries wasn't the beginning and end for me, I
had a trust fund and other investments to keep me on my feet. I budget
well."
"I never imagined a Cale boy would have to budget," Asha said. "I always
thought the world was at there fingertips."
"I wish."
He led her inside and up the elevator to his apartment.
********
As she entered the open space of his apartment, her eyes widened. Logan
watched her looking around, examining his things. He excused himself and
went inside the bathroom to wash his face and quickly give his teeth some
brushing. As he was doing this he met his own face in the mirror.
"What am I doing?" he asked himself. Why had she turned up now after so
many years, just appeared with a smile? Why did she want to be near him
when he looked like...like this?
He needed to be alone now, not entertaining company. The last person he had
spoken too, really spoken too, was Original Cindy. She showed up to find out
what happen, it hurt her to hear it, but she didn't know what it was like
to see it. Ever since the day he held a near dead Max in his arms, he had
felt near dead. He wanted to blame Zack and Lydecker for mission failure,
they were suppose to be the best. He wanted to blame Krit and Syl for
bailing on him saying Zack would have wanted it that way. But in the end
there was only one person to blame, himself. He failed her. And when the
ringing of that truth got to loud in his head, he had to go outside to
breath. That's what happened today and in that momment he found Asha. He
hadn't changed his clothes since the last day he held Max. It was some
illogical effort to preserve her scent, but it only preserved his guilt.
And when he saw Asha, he suddenly wanted to look better, to say hello and
get to know her without the guilt. But even that made him feel guilty. He
owed Max...no more than that, he loved Max.
He shouldn't allow himself anyone else, especially not Asha. Asha...little
Asha was here. Except she wasn't little now, she wasn't a teenager, he
wasn't a College student. He was a man, she was a woman. A woman who needed
his help. What was that group she was in? It certainly didn't seem--
What did it matter? He owed Max all his thoughts. He couldn't think about
anyone else's troubles.
He left the bathroom and walked back into the living room where he left
Asha. She wasn't there. He found her in his study looking at a frozen image
of Max's face on his computer.
"Who is she?" Asha asked.
"No one," he said running and cutting off the monitor. "You have to go."
"I didn't get my dinner."
"I never should have invited you over."
"Why?"
"Because this can't happen."
"What? Dinner?"
"Dinner," he said to himself. "It always starts with dinner."
"Logan," Asha said. "It's just dinner, not a marriage proposal. I don't
expect anything but a good meal with an old friend. If you have something
going on with--"
"I don't, you just have to leave."
"Fine," Asha said storming toward the door. "I'll leave."
Logan stood there watching her leave, but as soon as her hand reached the
door something happened. "Wait," Logan yelled. She stopped. "Stay, let me
feed you as promised. Logan Cale isn't in the habit of breaking promises."
Asha turned to meet his eyes. "Are you sure?"
"I haven't been big on company lately. Perhaps I need you...you're company
that is."
"Logan," Asha said. "What happened to you? What's wrong?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me."
"I can't, not yet." Logan told her. "I've been trusted with information, I
can't just spill to anyone. I hope you understand."
"Okay," Asha said. "I suppose I have my secrets too."
"So dinner?"
She nodded. "But why don't I help you in the kitchen."
He agreed and she came in the kitchen with him. As they worked together,
Logan had to wonder about his need to keep her here. He hadn't touched her
since they'd run into each other, not even a hug. He'd kept a safe distance
even as he smiled at her. He was afraid to touch her. If he touched her would
things change? Would the pain lessen? Would it be okay to feel something
besides loss?
He was afraid to give up on Max. He'd push Bling away in his drive to be
alone except for the memory of her, he'd been satisfied in his solitude.
Maybe now he realized that was a mistake. Asha was like family,
someone so much a part of his history it was hard not to want her to stay
even when parts of him screamed 'I want to be alone'. Turning her to the street
would be like turning away his little sister, except she wasn't his sister, not
really.
"Why don't you go wash up and change clothes for dinner," Asha told him as
she turned down one of the burners. "I can finish dinner."
'Change clothes?' he thought. "You sure," he asked.
"Yeah," Asha said. "I'm fine."
Change clothes? Clean up? Could he do it? No one had ever asked him to.
Logan entered the living room in a clean shirt and pants. He didn't know
how he had done it or why a simple request from her got him to do it. He only
knew it had been done. He had taken Max off of him. Asha didn't know he was
being aided in his mobility through a exoskeleton and he didn't want her to
know. He didn't want to appear any more weak then he already did.
Asha had laid dinner out for them when he came in. The layout was complete
with candles, the good silverware, actual plates. He had changed clothes
and he was looking at a setup he hadn't seen since Max was there.
"You clean up nice," Asha said.
"Do I?"
"The appeal of a clean shirt to a woman is amazing."
"Don't get too excited," Logan said. "I can't promise you this situation
will last."
She smiled as they sat down to eat. For a long time they were silent and
Asha picked at her food. Logan finally decided he had to say something.
"Tell me Asha," Logan said. "Who are these people you're with?"
"Friends," Asha replied. "Despite a couple of assholes, overall they're
good people Logan."
"They're not that S1W group I've been hearing about?" he asked.
Asha didn't answer.
"Asha, Freedom fighting isn't a game. Way back when I told you that--"
"You're not my father Logan," Asha interrupted. "Don't play that role
again."
"I'm just saying you have a tendency to--"
"I'm not a child anymore!!" Asha yelled sharply. It shocked Logan. Asha
took a couple calming breaths. "Let's not take ourselves right back to
where we left off. I'm no longer some little teenage girl following my
latest infatuation with a guy."
"You're not?"
"No, I don't need a guy to feel validated," Asha told him. "Can't you look
at me and see that?"
"I just see Asha."
"Your Asha," she told him. "Your little sister, isn't that what you said.
I'm a different person now, just like you are. Basically the same, but more
grown up. I'm not that girl who ran behind you waiting for your approval. I'm
a grown woman with my own ideas about things. No one controls that, not you, not
the S1W, not anyone."
"I'm sorry, it's scary to look at you and see a woman."
"Scary?" Asha asked.
Asha smiled and it was almost seductive, in a creepy way. This was little
Asha after all, except she wasn't.
"So the great Logan Cale finds me scary?" Asha asked.
Logan look down at his plate and played with his food, not comfortable with
meeting her eyes anymore. "Forgive me for questioning your judgment about
the S1W," Logan said. "It's surprisingly clear that you are a woman now."
"I'm really glad to see you Logan. I don't want to argue."
"Me neither."
They managed to finish dinner without coming close to another argument.
They talked a lot about old times, the territory there seemed smoother.
Dinner lead into the living room where they shared laughs and entertained
themselves with some TV. Then it happened, she dared to lay on him.
He nearly jumped out of his skin. She felt it and jumped back.
"You okay?"
"Yes, I just--" he began and then stopped.
"I'll leave," Asha said standing up. "This situation is obviously--"
"Don't," he said reaching for her hand.
Their was something cautious about him, something in his eyes that needed
her, so she sat back down.
"Stay," he asked her.
Logan knew he was being selfish, holding on just to hold on, using her. He didn't
understand his need for her, he just needed her to stay...and she stayed with him
...she stayed.
The next morning he woke up to the smells of pancakes and bacon. He had
been skipping breakfast since....he couldn't remember the last time he had
breakfast. And he rarely had anyone cook for him, it was ... nice, it was
... different ... it was dangerous.
He held a woman that wasn't Max all night, just held her as they lay
together on the couch. He was being seduced by the smell of someone else's
cooking. As soon as he entered the kitchen, she handed him a plate. She
must have gotten up early and washed, she smelled like soap .. she smelled
good.
"Promise me you'll eat all that, no matter how bad it taste."
He smiled. "I doubt anything that smells this good can taste bad," Logan
replied. "Asha I want to tell you that we can't ever--"
"I have to go," Asha quickly interrupted.
"What?" Logan replied surprised.
"I have to get back to the group," Asha told him. "Like I said, no more
chasing some guy."
"You're serious about the S1W."
"They've been my family for awhile now."
"Be careful," Logan said.
"I will," Asha said heading toward the door.
"Asha," Logan called and she paused. "Will you be back?"
"Maybe," Asha said leaving as quickly as possible.
When Asha left his apartment suddenly became a tomb again. An empty tomb
full of memories he didn't want to see. Only Asha's warm breakfast was left
to sooth him.
************
Asha left because she had to. She promised herself a long time ago not to
become a guy's doormat again. She'd had her wild days, but they were over.
That girl. That girl on his computer screen had something to do with his
pain, but what? Had she died or left him? Had she been kidnapped? Who
knows? All she knew was that Logan had lost that suave, controlled, man he
use to be. All the things that made him a good con-man. Logan had always
been good at getting the women he wanted, but in the end these women he
chose seem to find a way to gut him. And when Logan fell, Logan fell hard.
Asha wouldn't allow herself to go back though. She couldn't go back in
time. She couldn't become that little teenage girl again who got patted on
her head and sent home after crashing that college party. When Logan kissed
her early that night, he hadn't known, hadn't known how young she was,
hadn't known it was her first kiss, hadn't known it was her first time
being in any kind of romantic situation with a guy. She couldn't go back to
him ... at least not right now. She couldn't make him her everything again.
She wanted to believe fate had brought him to her, here in this place. She
wanted to believe this was there second chance. But the fact was, he was
grieving, he didn't want her, he just needed someone. Not to long ago that
would have been a good reason to stay, she wouldn't have left this morning or
the next day. He would have loved her because he needed it, but she would
have only been rebound girl. She didn't want that, she wanted to be seen as
a woman, to be loved as a woman and respected as a woman. She couldn't
accept anything less if she wanted to be the woman she claimed to be. She'd
be his friend, but she wouldn't be that attention starved puppy clicking at
his heals again ... at least she hoped she wouldn't.
**********
It really was his fault. Looking back Logan could see it. He'd forced her
into working for him. She said there were people who were looking for her
and working for him would just make her visible. And he hadn't listened,
because then she hadn't been Max. 10 years, for more than 10 years she had
been safe and then she met him. And in his determination to make her
believe and think and act the way he would, he'd put her in danger. He
provided an environment, a scent, for her to be tracked and captured.
His fault, it was his fault. There was no way around it. His fault, so it
was his duty to find her, fight them, or both. So he dismissed everything
and everyone else from his mind and went back to his work.
**********
"Have a good night?" Harris asked as Asha entered the building.
"Unbelievable," Asha replied. "The man could go all night."
Harris rolled his eyes and walked away as Asha met up with Nia.
"What really happened?" Nia asked.
"Dinner with an old friend," Asha replied. "He's really hurting right now.
Something happened he doesn't want to talk about right now. And it involves
a woman."
"A woman?"
"Yeah, he had a picture of her. She's really young, but she has these old
eyes."
"Old Eyes?"
"Yeah, like they've seen a lot," Asha said. "Logan needs me, I think. I'm
scared of falling for him again. I have to watch myself."
"Just go to him, take a chance."
"No"
"You want to go back to him. I can see it."
"And that's exactly why I have to stay away. I'll be his friend, but I
can't be stupid. I can't lose myself over him again Nia, I just can't."
"What, besides love, is worth losing yourself in."
"Nothing is worth losing yourself Nia. Sharing yourself and losing yourself
are two different things. When my head is mine again, I'll visit, but I
can't let him be my everything again."
"Alright," Nia said.
"So what's on the table for today?"
******************
Night had fallen. It was dark inside Logan's penthouse when Asha came in,
surprised Logan had never bothered to come to close the door. She found
Logan in the study lying asleep next to his keyboard. Papers were all over
the place and Logan's elbow was on the down key causing the screen to
scroll down quickly. She moved his arm and it stopped. The picture again.
She noticed there was a guy behind the girl this time and they were both
dressed in fatigues. She looked down at the papers.
"Manticore?" Asha said to herself. She picked up another piece of paper. "X5
452, cat DNA, 12 escaped. What is this Logan?"
"Max," Logan mumbled in his sleep.
"Max? Is that her name Logan."
As if he was aware of company, Logan slowly came awake.
"Asha?" he said sleepily.
"Yeah?" she replied. "You forgot to lock your door."
He searched for his glasses.
"What's Manticore?" she asked.
Suddenly Logan was wide awake grabbing papers from her hands.
"Who in the hell do you think you are going through my private papers!!" he
yelled.
"I'm sorry, I was concerned. I was hoping to find some answers."
"Don't worry about it, just leave," Logan said shutting down his computer and
gathering all he could to be put away.
"Fine, if you don't want to trust me, I'll leave. But Logan you're falling
apart and if you don't let someone in, you're going to kill yourself.
You're just going to waste away. And if that happens, you're not going to
be able to do anything for Max."
"How do you know her name?" he yelled grabbing her and shaking her. "Did
they send you?"
She broke away. "You said it in your sleep," Asha yelled back. "Do you
really think I could hurt you?"
He studied her silently.
"Fine, don't believe me. I'm the enemy," Asha said backing away. "I'll
leave."
She got as far as the door
"Wait," Logan said. "I'll tell you."
**********
Logan needed to clear his head, so he took a moment to make a pot of coffee
before he and Asha sat down at his dinning room table to talk.
"Have you heard of Eyes Only?"
"Yeah," Asha replied. "Big name around here. Sometimes he has broadcast
across the west coast or across the US. I heard once a broadcast of his
reached Canada. But it's mostly a local thing."
"Right, well I work for him."
"You would. I'm surprised you aren't him."
He smiled. "About a year ago I met her by accident."
"Max?"
"Yeah, she broke in here. Scared an Eyes Only witness I was holding. I
tracked her down and found out she was one of 12 escaped children from a
government lab. She was just all grown up. It was hard to believe the story
was even true until I saw her."
"And you fell in love with her?"
"Not on purpose. It started out just business and anything else seemed
pointless anyway. What would a super soldier want with an average guy. No,
worse than average, a cripple."
"A what?"
"I didn't want to tell you, but I suppose I might as well." He stood up.
As he began to loosen his pants Asha panicked. What was he doing? Then it
was revealed, some kind of metal brace on his legs.
"What's that?"
"An Exoskeleton. It helps me walk. Without it I'm wheelchair bound."
"And she left you because of that, because you couldn't walk?"
"No," Logan said. "She loved me despite it. We had out fights, arguments,
disagreements, but in the end we always fought together. And then--" He
paused unable to go on.
"Then what?"
"We tried to end it, but they took her, they won. 10 years, she was fine
for 10 years. And I make her work for me and--"
"She could have always said no Logan," Asha interrupted. "Don't blame
yourself."
"How can I not? I let them take her back," Logan said fighting tears. "I
let them take her back to her hell. I wasn't strong enough."
Logan slid in the chair and Asha walk up to him and hugged him.
They sat in silence for a long time.
"Logan," Asha whispered. "You're not alone anymore. This is just the kind
of alliance the S1W needs to come back together, to be strong again. Maybe
that's the reason we met, to make the S1W an Eyes Only Ally. " She took his
hand in hers as she backed up. "We can fight this fight together. Whatever
we have to do, we'll do. Save her or give them hell."
"You're a good friend," Logan said.
"So are you," Asha replied.
Asha facilitated a meeting between Logan and the S1W. Harris wasn't to
happy about this. However Logan's journalistic background, including his work
with Nathan Herrero, was more than enough reason for the group to agree to
hear him out along with the fact he had provided food for them. The group
seemed more than impressed with him. He talked to them about the various
accomplishments of the Eyes Only network. And said, 'While one man gets all
the credit, the success of Eyes Only was a team effort.' He said Eyes Only
has not only been a positive force in Seattle, it had been a seed for
groups like their's elsewhere. Asha was there to support him when doubters
stepped in and the alliance made sense to them. Harris couldn't fight
against the entire group.
Asha came home with him at the end of the day. Logan seemed alive again. It
was the first time, since she'd run into him in Seattle, that he really
looked alive. He broke out the drinks as they came through the door.
"To a new alliance," Logan said toasting her.
"A new alliance," Asha replied.
Asha sat in silence a few minutes, enjoying the warm moment between them.
But then she saw the stack of papers beside the couch. She didn't wonder
what they were, she knew.
"So Logan, if we get her back, if she's okay, I suppose you won't have much
use for me anymore."
"Asha, Miss Barlow, You'll always have a place in my life."
"I hope so," Asha said. "You were more than my first love you know, you
were like my mentor. But I know I wasn't ever much more than a little silly
suburban kid to you."
"You're more than that. You have a strong heart," Logan said. "Though one
thing hasn't changed."
"What?"
"You still fight like a girl," Logan said.
"Shut up," she said throwing a pillow at him. He laughed and she laughed
and for the moment there was happiness and peace.
******
Asha woke up alone on the couch. She heard typing. She peaked in the study.
Logan was hard at work again, but there was a determination in him now
instead of that dead look. His fire was back and she had helped him get it
back. That fire in his eyes made her feel good. Deep eyes, his eyes were
deep as the ocean. She still couldn't help hoping a little, just a little,
that Max wasn't coming back. She couldn't help wanting him, it wasn't
something she could turn off or control, but she knew deep down that ties
weren't broken with his super soldier girlfriend.
So she continued to help him, the group helped him in any way the could. He
helped them become more organized. Sometimes guilt still got him and he
fell down, but she was there to pick him up. When he needed a moment, she
made him relax and take a breath. They were a team.
And then Max came back and everything changed.....
******
And here she was, back in Logan's penthouse as he investigated the lastest
Transgenic trouble.
Had it only been months ago that coming to Logan's felt like coming home?
Why had she ever allowed herself to fantasize about becoming Asha
Barlow-Cale. That had been another time, another place, he didn't need her
anymore. She still refused to be that girl again, that girl who would
follow him around even when she wasn't wanted. Nia was right, Eyes Only had
an interest in the transgenic freedom that was undeniable. And she had a
feeling it had a lot to do with Logan.
She couldn't fault him, even she had been seduced by the idea of the physically
perfect mate. Alec had come out of nowhere, a genetically engineered creature of
beauty, like Max. But what Alec had wasn't in his looks, it was in his eyes, in the
way he carried himself. She liked Alec, it was hard not to like Alec even
when you were telling yourself he was jerk and a womanizer. She would have
given it a shot with Alec, but she had always loved Logan. She might have
learned to love Alec, but it was probably better that she hadn't. Not
because relationships with Transgenics were trouble, but because it was
just too complicated between the four of them. Alec had feelings for Max and
she knew it. She had feelings for Logan and he knew it. It was just to easy to
fall into each others arms. Eventually the questions and doubts would
have destroyed the two of them.
As she stood next to Logan telling him to give Max a break, that relationships
were new to Max and Alec, she knew she was really searching for a reason to stay.
But there wasn't one. There was no future with Alec, no future with Logan, no future
in the Transgenic freedom fight (at least not for her).
When she left Logan's that day, she walked for a long time. She thought
about her future, her past, her now. Perhaps the S1W would finally fall
apart, perhaps it would repair itself, but her place within it and Eyes
Only was gone. She didn't belong anymore.
She couldn't leave without saying good-bye to Logan.
It was night when she arrived back at Logan's. She entered his apartment
and thankfully he was alone. She found him shutting down his computer. He was
her mentor, her guide, her heart. And now it was time to let him go.
"Hey," she said as she walked up to him.
"Hey," he replied with a smile. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to say good-bye"
"Good-bye"
"I'm going home."
"San Francisco?"
"No, not San Francisco, home, indefinitely."
"Why?"
"You know why Logan," Asha said. "I love you. I can't have you, I know
that. Broken up, together, virus, and all ... you and Max can't leave each
other alone. You love her and she loves you."
"She has Alec now," he said with bitterness.
"If that's true, how long do you think it will last? They're too alike,
they'll kill each other."
"I want you to stay Asha, for the last year you've been my closest--"
"Ally."
"Friend." Logan looked into her eyes. "I'm surprised how much I like having
you around."
"I'll always be your friend, no matter where I am," Asha said. "But I'll
always want more and I can't have it." She walked up to him. "That hurts in
ways you can't imagine."
"I know exactly what it feels like to love someone and not be able to be
with them the way you want," Logan said taking her hand. "But what we do is
more important. The fight is more important."
Asha pulled her hands away. "It's your fight and it's your fight because
you have hope. You can hope things will change, hope there's a cure."
"Asha."
"You needed me once, but you need me less and less everyday. And now you
only want me here because she can't be here, because she can't touch you."
"That's not true."
"It is true. I've been her hands, I don't want to become her to become
her lips and her body just because I want to be with you."
"Asha," Logan said. "I would never use you like that."
"Not on purpose, you never do it on purpose, but if I stay and you get
desperate and lonely enough--"
"If you think that little of my character than go ahead and leave," Logan
said going into the kitchen and pulling out a glass. He reached for his
liquor cabinet door and she came up to him and put her hand over his.
"Logan," Asha said. "You don't want to do that. You know you want her here,
you know it's her. It just hurts right now because you don't think it's
possible. This is your calling, these Transgenics, their fight for freedom.
It's not my calling, mine is still waiting for me out there somewhere."
He took his hand off the cabinet door. After a moment he spoke again.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"For what?" Asha asked.
"Just being here for me when there was nobody else. You might have saved
me."
"Like I said," Asha said. "You'll always be my friend."
He turned to her and ran a gentle hand over her cheek. Little Asha had
saved him from the pit he buried himself in after Max was nearly killed,
after she was taken away from him. Who would have thought? Little Asha
was truly a woman now.
"I do love you Asha."
"I know, but not the way I love you."
He meant to say good-bye, she meant to walk away at that moment. But
something else took over and he kissed her. She let him kiss her, she let him
deepen the kiss. He held on to her so tight, she couldn't escape. No, she didn't
want to escape him. So they made love, for first time, for last time, it became
their good-bye.
They both understood it as good-bye. In the aftermath he lay there holding
her, not wanting to let go. You only realized what you had when it was
slipping away. He couldn't have asked for a better friend than Asha.
"I'm sorry," Logan said. "I did use you."
"We used each other," Asha said. "And it's okay." There was silence. "Give
Max time," Asha continued. "She loves you, there's no one else for her. You
are together, maybe not in the way you want, but that's not what matters."
She left in the morning while he was sleeping. His battle was here and
hers was elsewhere. She was now free of Seattle, free to find her destiny,
whatever it may be.
Good-bye Eyes Only, I'll miss your deep eyes, deep as the ocean.
END