Disclaimer: I own the rights to none of these: X-men, X-villains, Evil Dead, Tank Girl, Cadbury Flake candy bars, or Jehovah's Witness. Please don't think I make money from this, and consequently think you'd get money from me if you sued. Thank you.
I do, however, own myself, and my little dog Bela, who is in the first paragraph. Yes, her nickname is 'pinhead.' If you met this dog, you'd understand why.
Notes: This is a fic about me. Also, it is, without a doubt, the stupidest, weirdest piece of work I've ever done. No, please don't argue with me. I sincerely apologize in advance for any trauma this may cause you. I'm even sorry I wrote and posted it, and wasted your time.
This is dedicated to Magdellin, who's cool. She also thinks it'd be neat to shovel snow. Little does she know she inspired this fic.
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Friday's Session
Hoodoo was settled back on the couch with a coveted and highly rationed Cadbury Flake candy bar. The opening sequence of Evil Dead 2 was just crossing the television screen. Her dog Bela was perched on the back of the couch, draped over her shoulder, taking huge nonproductive bites out of the air, hoping beyond hope one of those bites would magically close in on a bit of the chocolate.
"Forget it pinhead," Hoodoo reprimanded the dog, brushing her away.
A knock at the front door startled her.
"What the—? Those Jehovah's Witnesses better not be back already," she muttered aloud as she walked to the door.
Glancing out the window, she was surprised by her unexpected guests.
"Beast? Toad? Wolvie? What're you doing here?"
"Let me in—let me in!" Wolverine cried, pushing passed the other two and forcing his way in the door.
Still startled, Hoodoo stood aside. Beast and Toad followed more sedately.
"Quick! Close the door!" insisted Wolvie, panting for breath.
"What's up with him?" Hoodoo questioned.
"His legions of lovers are following," Beast informed her. "Whomever any fanfic author has paired him with. Jean Grey, Jubilee, that Marie person—Gambit and Sabretooth are back in the crowd somewhere—and of course, an incredible multitude of Mary Sues."
"Oh, I see," replied Hoodoo, trying to glance over the entire crowd of people now populating her front lawn. "Hey! There's Nocturne! Hi Nocturne! Can I let her in? Can I?"
"No!" Wolverine shouted, panic clouding his voice.
"Oh all right. Sorry, Nocturne. Some other time."
Hoodoo obliged the insistence of her uninvited guests and drew the bolt on the door.
"Thank god," sighed Wolvie, calming immediately. "Hey—you got anything to drink?"
"Um . . . wine coolers? In the kitchen."
As Wolvie stalked though the house, Hoodoo made her way back to the living room. She found Toad snacking on her Cadbury Flake.
"Hey! Give me that!" She yanked it out of his hands. "These candy bars are expensive and hard to get over here in the States!"
"I know," Toad mumbled with a mouthful of chocolate. "But I haven't had a candy bar in so long . . ."
She signed in resignation. "Just finish it." Toad snatched it back up and gobbled it down.
Shaking her head at the insanity taking place in her house, Hoodoo sank back down on the couch. Wolverine reappeared from the kitchen, downing a cooler.
Hoodoo cleared her throat. "Um. Okay. So what are you guys doing here?"
"It's Friday, ain't it? We're here 'cause you write us up on Fridays," Wolverine explained. "So what're you doin' to me this week? Offin' me? Makin' me look back at my past fondly? Havin' me realize that deep down I'm really a nice guy and that I really do love everyone?"
Wolvie took another swig and came to a realization. "Wait a minute! You ain't shoveling snow! Why ain't you shoveling the snow?"
Hoodoo shrugged. "Magdellin was always saying she wanted to do it—that she'd love to do it—so I'm taking a break and letting her. Didn't you see her in the driveway? Goth chick, wearing Doc Martens, looking cold?"
Wolvie looked thoughtful. "Who? You mean Anathema?"
"No—the other one."
"Must've missed her in the crowd of . . . love interests," Wolvie replied with a shudder.
"Well," Hoodoo continued, "she said she wanted my muse. And since my muse sneaks up on me when I'm preoccupied with shoveling, Maggie's out there instead. Maybe my crazy ass muse will 'inspire' her instead of me this week."
She turned to Toad and Beast, who were watching Ash battle his own hand on the screen.
"Weird flick," Toad whispered.
"So what are you two doing here?" she interrupted, breaking their attention from the movie.
"Well," Toad said, "lately I'm not getting as much attention. I was having a good run there for awhile—authors pairing me up with hot chicks, and now it's dwindled to hardly anything! I was hoping you'd use me in another fic soon."
"At least you get fics!" Beast admonished. "I—literate, sensitive Henry J. McCoy—get few to none at all! Why do I get no consideration?"
Hoodoo looked guilty.
"You, Hoodoo, who claim me as one of your favorite X-men—why have you forsaken me? Why have you written nothing solely on me, as you have done with our feral Canuck? Am I doomed to be only a supporting character forever?" he continued accusingly. "It hurts my feelings, you know."
"I'm sorry, Beast!" Hoodoo exclaimed. She slipped an arm over his massive blue shoulders. "It's just . . ." franticly she thought of anything, and went with the first thing that popped in her head, "I just like you so much, and what I think you is pretty naughty, and I'm embarrassed to write it up and post it because it's just so steamy! This way I can keep you all to myself!"
Toad covered a snicker. Wolvie rolled his eyes in an expression of, 'she's laying it on thick!' Hoodoo caught Wolvie's look and gave him a death glare.
But Beast blushed a dark shade of purple and stuttered,
"Oh. Oh! Well. In that case . . . never mind . . ."
Hoodoo smiled, gave an internal sigh of relief, and changed the subject.
"Well, since I'm taking the day off, I'm surprised you're all here. You should waiting for Magdellin to need you. But since she'll be shoveling for at least another hour, you're more than welcome to sit around with me."
All three shrugged, and settled back to finish the movie. Hoodoo filled them in on the plot and passed out more wine coolers. Before they'd watched much more, however, the back door was kicked in.
"Hey Hoodoo! Where are you, girl?" a woman's voice yelled.
"Oh lord . . ."
A husky woman with a buzz cut and piercings stomped into the room. Her right hand was missing; in its place was an electric knife.
"Why aren't you at the keyboard?" the woman demanded.
"Who is she?" Toad whispered, a bit frightened.
"My muse," groaned Hoodoo.
"Why're you sitting around? You get into that uncomfortable computer chair and start typing right now!"
"But, but—Magdellin's outside! She was waiting for you! Didn't you see her? Please?" Hoodoo pleaded.
"That frozen Goth chick? I couldn't get to her—too many of Wolverine's girlfriends were in the way."
Wolverine groaned.
"You know, I saw Nocturne out on the lawn. You wanna write about her today?"
"NO!" shouted Wolvie and Hoodoo at the same time.
"Excuse me," Beast said politely to the muse. "What, exactly, is with the electric knife?"
Wordlessly the muse pointed to the television, where Bruce Campbell's Ash was outfitting himself with his trademark chainsaw.
"Hoodoo's subconscious warps what she sees and constructs me," the muse replied proudly. "Hence, instead of a chainsaw, it's an electric knife. Instead of a skinny Tank Girl, she gets a fat one."
"Oh lord," Hoodoo repeated, burying her face in her hands.
"All right, enough chit-chat! We've got work to do!"
The muse hauled Hoodoo to her feet and forced her to the computer with the threat:
"It may not be a diesel powered chainsaw, but I bet this dumb knife will do some damage! Now write!"
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So with the ominous sound of electric knifing at my back, and two X-men and one X-villain in my living room, and a frozen Magdellin in my driveway, and countless Mary Sues in my front yard, I was forced to write this.
I should've eaten that Flake.
FIN