Christmas at Liquid's
By Chicken Fox
Chapter One: Christmas Eve
SCENE ONE: SNAKE'S HOUSE, CHRISTMAS EVE
('Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even… a Snake. Wait, yes he was. He was setting up the Christmas Tree.)
Snake: Friggin'… piece of…
(Enter Meryl)
Meryl: Hey baby, how's the tree coming?
Snake: It fucking isn't, that's how.
Meryl: Well, you're in for a treat tonight anyway.
Snake: Can't we just do it now on the coffee table?
Meryl: That's not very romantic.
Snake: I think there's some booze in the fridge…
Meryl: (sigh) If you finish the tree, then maybe you'll strike lucky after we go Christmas Shopping.
(Enter Otacon)
Otacon: Hey Snake, I've got your mail here!
Snake: How does he keep getting in?
Meryl: I gave him a key.
Snake: (exasperated) Why?
Meryl: He's cute, in a lost puppy sort of way.
Snake: He ain't cute, he's a freak.
Meryl: But just look at those puppy dog eyes!
(They both look)
Meryl: Can we keep him, Snake? Huh?
Snake: Get him the hell outta here.
Otacon (totally oblivious): Snake, it looks as though Liquid's invited you to his for Christmas.
Snake: What!?
(He walks from the tree to Otacon and snatches the invitation from him.)
Snake (reading):
"To Snake,
You and your significant other are cordially invited to my house, Christmas Day. Dinner is served at 1600 hours.
Liquid Snake."
Meryl: How sweet!
Otacon: I dunno, could be a trap.
Snake: Nah, only my name is in his handwriting. The rest is typed, which means he's invited many other people.
Otacon: Could be a big trap?
(Long silence)
Meryl: He's so cute! Let's buy him a present!
Snake: Will you stop? He likes hentai! Tell her, Hal.
Otacon: (nods)
Meryl: Aw! (Hugs Otacon)
Snake: Anyway, we need to be prepared, just in case Four-Eyes is right about this whole set up.
Otacon: That's right, so I brought this to help you. (He hands Snake a disc)
Snake: What's this? Detailed files on Liquid? Information on his henchmen? Blueprints of a new Metal Gear?
Otacon: It's a copy of Splinter Cell 2. You could learn a lot from it.
Snake: What does it have that I don't?
Meryl: Woah! Sam Fisher! He's so hot!
(Snake and Otacon stare at her)
Meryl: In a totally unhot way.
Otacon: …You do have an X-Box, right?
Snake: Not since my X-Box Live subscription was cancelled. So I swore at a few Australian kids, so what?
Meryl: Hey, going to this thing at Liquid's could be a good idea. This being a Chicken Fox fic, it's likely that all sorts of wacky people involved in computer games could show up.
Otacon: Including Bill Gates!
Snake: I don't know, it still sounds kinda risky.
Meryl: Come on! You're always saying we should go places together!
Snake: Well… Okay. I'll go.
Otacon: Cool! I'll pick you up at 8:00 tomorrow.
Snake: Shut up, Otacon.
(Enter Raiden)
Raiden: Yeah, he's taking me, bitch!
Snake (to Meryl): Oh great, you didn't give him a key too did you?
Meryl: I don't even know who he is.
Raiden: Nah, the pane of glass in your bedroom window wasn't in place in any serious way.
Meryl (to Snake): You got the cheap builders again, didn't you!?
Snake: They were really expensive! Fucking cowboys!
Raiden: Well, maybe I lied about the serious part. (He hold up his arm. The window frame is attached to it, with the glass sticking into his arteries. There is a considerably constant stream of blood)
Meryl: Oh! You need an ambulance! Someone dial 911 quick!
(Snake and Otacon are still)
Meryl: What's the matter with you two? This poor man could die!
(No response)
Meryl: Snake!
Snake: Meryl, remember that "Jack" guy I told you about?
Meryl: …Yeah…
(Snake points at Raiden)
Meryl (to Raiden): Ew! Get away from me, you perv!
(Just then, an owl flies down the chimney with a letter in its beak. It hands it to Raiden)
Raiden: Hey! An invite!
Snake: What's with this?
Otacon: Owls.
Snake: …Say what you see, Hal.
Otacon: Letters.
Raiden: I've never been invited to anything before! This is so cool!
Otacon: Who're you gonna invite?
Raiden: I guess I'll take you.
Otacon: Woohoo!
Snake: What about Rose?
Raiden: What about who now?
Snake: Your wife.
Raiden: …
Snake: Oh, forget it, what do I care? Just get out of my house!
Otacon: See you tomorrow, Snake!
SCENE TWO: LIQUID'S LIVING ROOM
(The house is dank, dark and depressing. Liquid is reading through his emails. Revolver Ocelot, Fortune, Solidus Snake and Vamp watch him. Fatman is in the kitchen)
Liquid: Muhahahaha!!! They're all coming! Everyone!
Ocelot: Perfect.
Liquid: Now I shall have Snake right where I want him. Fatman, is the turkey ready yet?
Fatman O/C: Pfft. No.
Liquid: But they'll be here any day now!
Ocelot: Tomorrow.
Liquid: Tomorrow!
Fatman O/C: Art cannot be rushed.
Solidus: Then why the hell do you wear roller-skates then?
Fatman O/C: (clears throat)
Vamp: It's a long story.
Fortune: Usually full of dragons, elves and all-you-can-eat restaurants.
Solidus: Forget I asked.
Fatman O/C: Fiddlesticks!
Liquid: Silence! I need full concentration here!
Vamp: Yes, everyone be quiet.
…
Solidus: He's only checking emails for Christ's sake.
Liquid: Anyone know any good Asian porn websites?
Solidus: …I see.
Ocelot: I can't think of any. Does anyone have Snake's mobile number?
Liquid: Don't bother. He only has hetero stuff.
Ocelot: Damn!
Solidus: Damn!
Vamp: Damn!
Fortune: Damn!
Fatman O/C: Damn!
Vamp: Yay!
(Short silence)
Solidus: Can I get on that computer after you? I'm expecting reviews for my latest fanfic.
Liquid: Your latest what?
Solidus: It's a gay thing.
Liquid: …Riiight. Sure, I'm finished.
(Liquid leaves the computer and retreats to the kitchen. Fortune, Ocelot and Vamp follow, leaving Solidus to the computer.)
Solidus (typing): fanfiction…. dot…. net… forward-slash…
Computer voice: File not found.
Solidus: Stupid machines!
Computer: Your computer is infected with a virus.
Solidus: Damn!
Computer: Computer shutting down.
Solidus: Arrrrghh!!
Computer: This monitor will self-destruct in five seconds.
Solidus: Damn the Patriots!!!
SCENE 3: THE MALL
(Snake is in Game with several large shopping bags.)
Snake: What!? Twin Snakes is GameCube only? Why didn't somebody tell me!
Shop Assistant: Say, why not get a GameCube? They're only £79.99 and this Christmas we're throwing in a free game of your choice!
Snake: No can do.
Shop Assistant: Okay, uh… £50 plus Vivendi's entire back catalogue.
Snake: Keep sliding.
Shop Assistant (falls to his knees): Please, for the love of God, buy one! They're just not selling and we're going out of business! They're gonna repossess my Asian porn, man!
Snake: Hmmm… I can't imagine what I'd do without JapBabes Weekly.
Shop Assistant: How about you give me a classic Solid Snake pose, and I'll give you one for free!
Snake: I dunno…
Shop Assistant: C'mon! It is Christmas!
Snake: Well…
Meryl O/C: Hey, Snake, come look at this!
Snake: Gotta go.
Shop Assistant: Nooooo!! Miyamoto's going to have my legs broke!
(Cut to nearest KFC Outlet. Pablosky and jduran89 are next in the queue.)
Pablosky: So, you going to Liquids for Christmas?
jduran89: Nah, I've got better things to do.
Pablosky: What, like finally write your new How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened! chapter?
jduran89: …You're right, I've nothing better to do. See ya there!
Shade Wolf: All right, whaddya want?
jduran89: I'll have a chicken sandwich, and whatever Pabs wants.
Pablosky: Family Bucket, please.
jduran89: Family Bucket!? All by yourself?
Pablosky: It's the Maradona 2004 Diet.
jduran89: Whatever.
Shade Wolf: That'll be $39.99, bihatch.
jduran89: $39.99!!?? I can't afford that! I live in California!
Shade Wolf: Then you must toil in this very chicken-processing establishment forever! Or until you've worked off your debt, whatever comes first.
jduran89: Which is more likely to come first? It pays well, right?
Shade Wolf: Mwah hah hah hah hah! (Disappears in a cloud of smoke)
jduran89: Nooooooooo!
Pablosky: At least now you have a job.
(Cut to the Jewellery Store)
Snake: What do you want?
Meryl: Oooh, look at this necklace! Wouldn't it look so great on… Hey, come back!
Snake: Wha… Oh, sorry.
Meryl: Fine, forget it.
Snake: Done.
Snake's Brain: That was easy.
Snake: Good plan, brain. Now she'll be really surprised when we buy it for her.
Snake's Brain: Buy what for her?
Snake: … I forgot.
Snake's Brain: Argh! Must I do everything?
Snake's Memory: Don't look at me, I can't even remember five minutes ago thanks to overexposure to Alaskan Television.
Snake's Vision: Oh, and I suppose you'll blame me for that, too.
Snake: Ow, my head.
(Short silence)
Meryl:… What are you talking about?
Snake: Can we have sex now?
Snake's Hormone Glands: Now you're talkin'!
SCENE 4: SNAKE'S HOUSE, LATER THAT NIGHT
(Now there are no creatures stirring. Please ignore the loud thumping noises coming from upstairs and concentrate on the soft jingling of bells. The clock strikes twelve, and there is a rustling noise coming from the fireplace.)
Santa O/C: Ho ho… ah, cock it…
(Santa Claus rolls out of the fireplace and into the living room)
Santa: Now let's have a look at my list… Ah yes, Snake. Been good this year, except for all the ruthless killing and satanic worship. But I'm sure he'll stop that in the near future. I'm going to give him… a new SOCOM Pistol. Ho ho ho! (Exits back up chimney)
Santa: Argh… sonnuva…
SCENE 5: LIQUID'S HOUSE
(Solidus is still at the computer)
Solidus: I thought you had Broadband!
Liquid: I do, it's just screwed up. What with all the porn.
Vamp: Don't you have any magazines or anything?
Liquid: I'll ask Tofer v1.0 to bring some tomorrow. He has a whole wardrobe-full.
All: Yay!
Fatman: Can't we all just go to bed now? If we don't, Santa will never come!
Fortune: Firstly, Fatman, this is a slumber party. No slumbering is usually involved. Secondly, there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Fatman: Noooo!! You ruined my sexual fantasies, you heartless cow!
(At that moment, Santa Claus, perhaps not entirely unexpectedly, fell down the chimney)
Santa: Ho ho ho… Gasp! Children still awake at this hour?
Fatman: Yay! Santa! My dream has come true!
Solidus: Woah, the big man himself. Liquid, could I have a quick word?
Liquid: Sure.
Solidus (whispering): …Evil…plan… kidnap…Not in ages…
Liquid (nods):…
Solidus: Yeah, we're just going upstairs now, Santa. For sleep.
Liquid: Yes. For sleep.
(Slight pause)
Solidus: Grab him!
(After a quick scuffle, the evildoers manage to entrap Saint Nick in a net)
Fatman: Yay! Santa tied up! My dream has come true!
Solidus: Now that was an evil, evil plan.
Vamp: Incredibly evil. I think we really outdid ourselves in evility there.
Liquid: Definitely.
Santa: !!! (Muffled cries)
(Quick pause)
Fortune: So what now?
Solidus: We can either ransom him to the Patriots, or let him go.
Liquid: Urgh, not another ransom.
Solidus: But I have a really good feeling about this one!
Liquid: Snake always kicks our ass in hostage situations, and it will just end up with Father Christmas here dying of FoxDie.
Solidus:… Actually, it was Raiden who kicked my ass.
All: Ah, hah hah hah hah hah!!!
Solidus: Shut up!
Liquid:… Hoo… hah… Anyway, let's just let him go.
Fatman: Noooo!! You ruined my sexual fantasies, you…
Liquid: Yeah, yeah (cuts Santa loose). No hard feelings, old chap.
Santa: None at all, old bean. (Exits up chimney)
Santa O/C: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Solidus: Watch out for the RAY! I just got it re-sprayed!
Fortune: So, what now?
Fatman: Let's go see if it's snowing!
(They run to the window)
Liquid: Hey, Solidus… isn't that your RAY those teens are jacking into?
Solidus: Damn the Patriots!
And so we closeth upon this heart warming Christmas scene with the hope that the author will not bloateth himself on too much of the delicious bird knowneth as turkey to update on the morrow. Good night to all!