2006

"I never quite grasped after all that we've seen and what we've done, how my sister could die of a heart attack. One minute, the sun shined on the both of us in the park next to our home. She was here and filled with so much light and the next minute… she was gone.

It took me so long to understand how Buffy Summers could save the world from so many evils but the one thing she couldn't protect me from was the nature of her demise.

That's how it works, right? You live, you feel, you fight, and then you don't.

When we laid her to rest, it was a piece of me that would go down with her. I guess we all felt that way. Buffy was the glue that held us all together and without her, what purpose did we have? None of us had the answer. Maybe when we split apart that's what made it hurt so much more…

The ceremony was over and the strangers who barely knew us left but we - her true family - stayed. Time stood still and for one more moment so did the scooby gang.

I don't even remember if it was hot that day. I could only remember how I hated mother nature. How could you be so bright and warm when you've taken away the only person who reflected you? In the end I knew it wouldn't matter. Soon the night would come and the world we had devoted our entire lives to saving, would be consumed by monsters and they wouldn't know. Their foe was gone and she would never return.

Giles placed his hand over my shoulder. I mustered up all the strength I had to smile at him, but he knew better. He took his glasses off, wiping them with his jacket and let out a deep sigh. He parted his lips to speak, but I stopped him. This was hard on the both of us and nothing we could say would bring her back. Nothing he could say would make me stay.

I think that he always knew this was how it had to end and he was prepared. He nodded his head in approval. He wished me luck and promised that he would always be there for me. It's too bad I couldn't do the same.

Xander stood behind me and cleared his throat. He gazed at me through his one eye & I knew how he wanted to say he was sorry. With hesitation he finally said what I think he wanted to.

"...Don't forget to write."

With no time wasted I hugged him tight and given a few seconds he hugged me back.

When I went to make my last round of Goodbyes, Willow had this… pout.

The kind of pout when she knows that she can't do anything. This time, though she wanted to, Willow couldn't bring her back. Being chained by the rules of life, death and Buffy's request she couldn't steal back her life.

Like glass, her eyes watered. Fixated on the men who poured dirt over Buffy's coffin. It hurt her to look at the only reflection left of my older sister.

"Will," I mumbled as I always did then. I said her name and her eyes shot directly at me. Her bottom lip quivered and she squeezed her fists tight. I took one step closer and she took four back. Everything in me begged her not to be angry with me. I should have been the one to go.

Her engine red hair, waved in the wind before it hung low. Her eyes shut closed. "No, I can't..." She shook her head and turned away. She looked at Giles. "This is just too damn hard," she said before fleeing.

There were a lot of things that I couldn't understand, and till this day maybe I still haven't. I was nineteen then and six years later I'm still trying to come to terms with it. With them. With her.

They tell me I have an anger issue, and maybe they're right. This journal is supposed to help me come to terms with everything but I'm already doubting how it's possible. In this life that we live where evil is around every corner, I'm starting to think that it'll never be true. There will never be peace after her.

I'll never find happiness in a life after you."