"I can't." Those two words just kept repeating in his head and he was running back all their conversations and moments and he just didn't think he was imagining things. She felt it too. And she was scared. But so was he! Did she think he just fell in love with every girl he met? Pam was special. Pam had a kindness that emanated from her core and Roy did not deserve her. He constantly took advantage of her kindness and put her down.

But she didn't do anything to stop it. It killed him to see her taking all this crap from Roy. Just swallowed it. Why did she stay with him? What was so great about him? Did he really make her that happy? Did he really make her laugh? Because he couldn't see it. Maybe she wasn't feeling that confident and he came in on a low point and she's having a hard time to forget that. But that was a stupid reason to stay with someone.

She was scared. Scared of what? Roy's reaction? Because as much as Jim didn't get angry or frazzled or anything, Roy brought that out of him. He'd punch Roy if he found out if he ever laid a hand on Pam. Of course, he wanted to punch him for being allowed to put his hands on Pam in other aspects. He really didn't want to think about it. Really didn't want to think about it. He'd probably punch a wall.

"I'm sorry you misinterpreted our friendship." Bullshit. He didn't misinterpret anything. She kissed him at the Dundies, he didn't instigate anything. But he also didn't forget how warm her lips were and how he could smell the alcohol on her. He wanted so bad to be the one to give her the aspirin in the morning with a cup of water and he was so angry that he wasn't. He saw how much joy she had when he gave her the teapot. How cute she found his yearbook photo. How she leaned into him when he flirted with her at the reception desk.

It wasn't one sided. She was just scared of the feelings he gave her. And as he reluctantly thought about it from her side, she didn't say no. She said I can't. She's been with this guy for ten years. She couldn't just throw away her relationship all willy nilly. She had a lot to think about in regards to Jim, in regards to Roy and most importantly, in regards to herself. He knew once she got some distance from Roy, she would blossom into this beautiful, confident woman that was somewhere in there. She just needed the right person. He just hoped she would come to him and let him be that person for her. He has always encouraged her art. He thinks she has a lot of talent. She is so much better than a receptionist at a middle level paper company.

But they both needed some space. They both needed some time apart to figure out what they wanted. Jim loved Pam but Pam needed to love herself first. And he had some soul searching to do also. He took the transfer to Stamford because he wanted to get more experience in a management role and it was clear from Michael and Dwight that he wasn't going to get that in Scranton. Maybe Stamford wasn't much better but he deserved the chance to try. It didn't hurt that in Stamford, he could bury his head in the sand and ignore the fact that Pam and Roy would be married. Pamela Anderson, really? He couldn't believe she said yes.

But maybe she thought she couldn't do any better. Maybe she thought that Roy was the best person she could get and that she should just swallow any slights because this is all she could get. Maybe someone in her past made her feel inadequate or she was bullied until she really felt worthless. Some girls just really take the bullying to heart and need a guy to make her feel better. He didn't think Pam had that low of self-esteem but he didn't know her in high school. Maybe she was a different person back then.

But she could do so much better. She was a kind and gentle person with a great sense of humor and was so creative. If she took some classes, she really could hone her craft and really make something of herself. He quietly held the opinion that she could really do so much better in an artistic neighborhood, maybe New York or where there was an up and coming art scene like Philadelphia or Austin, Texas. That there was a recent surge in art. And it was becoming more of a social movement to go to art shows, it wasn't super dorky anymore. Socialites did it all the time now. Art galleries were holding wine demonstrations, they were starting a trend of paint night... Where they could attempt to recreate a painting while drinking wine and having a good girl's night out with some friends. It wasn't so out of the box that Pam couldn't make a living out of art. She deserved better than to have to put up with Michael Scott. She deserved everything.

He'd give her some space. Give her some time to come to her own conclusions about her life. He couldn't make her break up with Roy. If she wanted to stay with him and give up on her dreams, then at least he tried. He tried to give her another option. He knew Pam. He knew she had a hidden backbone. If she married him, then he'd move on and he definitely wouldn't forget the first woman he fell in love with, that he could see a future with. He could see a house with her, a little girl who looked just like her, a wedding band on her finger... Pam was the first woman that he felt that with. He never wanted to have a serious romantic relationship before and sometimes the girl figured it out and moved on or he did. But Pam was in a committed relationship.

But she kissed him back. She wasn't drunk. She tried to use that excuse but she didn't fool him. He saw as he drew back from the kiss and how her eyes fluttered as they opened back up and he saw the emotions in her eyes. The lust, the way her eyes darkened. He did that to her. Not her stupid fiancé. Him. He then saw the fear as she processed it. He didn't care about her ring. Engaged ain't married, as Michael put it. Usually he didn't put much stock in Michael's words but this time he might have been on to something.

He saw the fear take over her expression and although he was hurting that she turned him down verbally, he also took in what she wasn't saying. The want in her face. The hurt voice she was using, as if it hurt her to say those words. He was hurt but he was hopeful because the ball was in her court. He loved her, yes. But he also didn't know her that well outside of what she told him. Things that were safe to hear as a friend. But he wanted to know all of it. He wanted to know what shampoo she used. He wanted to know what wine was her favorite. Did she like sports? He knew how she felt about hockey. Hockey, god when she told him that story about hockey, he knew she was talking about Roy. How could he leave her in a bathroom, like she wasn't worth anything? He wouldn't leave her anywhere until he knew she was safe. His mother raised a nice, kind man who would rather wait two hours in the rain for a girl than to leave her in some stadium all by herself. His heart hurt when he thought about how sad she must have been. How sad she must have looked.

"Hey man." Mark greeted as he grabbed a beer from the fridge, the interruption ripping Jim from his thoughts. "You having second thoughts about Australia?"

"Nah." Jim replied. "I really need a break from all these feelings." Mark nodded.

"I mean, you kinda did wait a while..." Jim laughed.

"Oh, I know. Wasn't my best timing. I kept chickening out. I finally said it, she knows how I feel and I haven't heard from her."

"Give her some time. If she is as into you as I saw at the barbeque, then I wouldn't worry too much." Jim nodded looking down. "If she did break it off, she has a lot of stuff to sort through, where she's gonna live, stuff like that... That shit takes time."

"It definitely does." Jim got up from the barstool in the kitchen. "Well, I'm going to finish packing and I'm just going to enjoy myself and take some me time. Sample some beers, go to the beach... Tourist stuff."

"Soul searching is good. Let me know if you need anything." Jim nodded.

"Will do."

Jim continued packing his bags for his extended vacation to Australia and although he had half a mind to sleep with some Aussie women, he couldn't. Even if Pam was sleeping with Roy every once in a while, he really needed to get introspective. And having sex complicates more things than solves them.

He opened his phone and looked at the last message he sent to Pam.

To Pam: I am going to Australia for an extended vacation to think about a lot of things, if you need to talk, email me. It might be a while before I get internet but I will answer when I can.

He's heard radio silence since then. Which is okay. They both had stuff they needed to think about.

Sooner than he would have liked, he made his way to the airport. The plane he got, thankfully had internet, very slow, only for emails basically but that was good enough. He wanted to know if Pam would email him. And six hours into his unfortunately long flight, he opened his laptop and logged onto his email. He smiled as he saw an email from Pam.

From PBeesly24

To: JHalpert36

Subject: Taking you up on your offer.

Hi Jim,

I wanted to be the first to tell you that I broke up with Roy. I've been working on some personal thoughts and I realized that we weren't right for each other.

I lied to you the other night; you didn't misinterpret our friendship. I just felt so guilty every time I laughed with you and I tried to ignore it... But I can't anymore. I can't. And I'm sorry I said I can't to you. I can. Well, I mean I will. I think although we know each other from work, we don't actually know each other that well. But I would like to. I would really like to. Maybe we can email back and forth and you can tell me about your amazing trip which I am completely jealous of and I can update you on my independence activities. I have so much to do with this whole thing, it's insane.

I guess I should say it outright. I fell in love with you a really long time ago and I don't know why it took me so long to say it or admit it to myself and I am so sorry if I hurt you and I totally understand if you never want to see me again. I wouldn't.

Even if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore, Jim, I want you to know I am so grateful. So grateful you showed me that I could have an art career as more than a hobby, that I could be more than a receptionist. That I could be more. I could never repay you for that. You saw someone inside of me that hasn't come out in years. I think it's time to let that girl out again. When you see or talk or type me again, I will be a new and improved Pam Beesly 2.0.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Pam

Jim smiled as he shut down his computer, without replying. He wanted to get to know this new Pam Beesly.