There was no reason for this feeling. Part of her mind always knew.
As her palms frosted over and her lips tingled with pinprick sensations and the nausea uncoiled in her stomach to push her gorge. She clutched her elbows, pulling her folded arms closer, settling them on her ribs and sagging her shoulders. Her knees began to quake, Elsa stumbled against a wall. She wanted to sink to the floor but she had to keep moving, pacing or something or the feeling would catch up and she would gag and gasp painfully.
Her touch on the wall spread frost up the panelling as she pushed off to pace again. It only served to make her feel worse. Moments like this were a reminder of the control she needed, the control she had to maintain to keep the ice in. The control she had lost.
Her breaths were staccato and uneven and only served to feed the panic as the storm inside her pushed at the boundaries and blockades she so desperately tried to maintain. She was alone on this floor of the palace, a small mercy to the woman because she knew this would not be something she could explain if she could even speak.
On and on the emotions roiled with thoughts and guilt and fear from long ago. Every moment she had felt shame at an action, every point in her life that was regrettable. Actual mistakes and perceived ones duly trotted past to be recalled and worried over. Inconsequential things and unuttered thoughts that had never been noticed or spoken pushed her anxiety higher and even tears could find no way out.
"Don't feel it, don't feel it. Let it go…" She whispered to herself, pacing and fumbling fingers against her elbows, keeping the shivering to a minimum.
It was something simple that had set her off; something inconsequential to anyone else she was sure. She had been working in her study after two hours of hearings in the petitioner's chambers. That was her routine, her safe, regular and familiar routine. Next would have been lunch but she was missing it now to pace the halls and feel nauseous.
A late petitioner had arrived, a very late petitioner from the time displayed on the clock. He had stormed into the palace through guards easily due to his social standing in their eyes. Her aides were not easily turned though their efforts were futile. He had bullied entry to her study, an apologetic Kai in his wake. The man proclaimed himself a valued trade partner of her father's. He claimed to have been overlooked of late by the "slip of a girl" Queen and "Snow Witch or not" he would get his due. These were all phrases Elsa had easily ignored, she was indeed young and Snow Witch held no power over her, secretly it made her smile after reading the old stories from times long past of benevolent witches and friendly trolls helping the prince or princess.
It was what he said next that triggered this episode. Rude, certainly. Out of line considering her rank indeed, but it should not have set off a storm inside her again.
"So, be a good girl and sign it all off." The man had barked, holding out a sheet of paper. Her hands had itched with ice, not the creative forces she delighted in but the creeping, sneaking, harmful escape of uncontrolled and unconcealed powers. Elsa had never wanted gloves more than that moment.
The man had been cowed by her glare-like regard of him. He was escorted out by guards and aides to ensure he followed the correct protocol. They thought her reaction had been indignation, not the fear it truly was.
Alone but still in public, Elsa had fled to the hallway she now paced. There were,no gloves to wear, Anna had found every pair and thrown them into the fjord, bar the first tiny two that Papa had given, hidden under Elsa's pillow. Too small for her adult hands.
The ice still seeped from her fingers, the magic buzzing along with her churning stomach. She tried to just breathe, in and out, the calming methodical count for each inhalation and exhalation. 'The man had been patronising, not threatening' she promised herself. It did a little towards quieting her mind but the physical reactions to her mental storm were harder to quash with focused breathing.
Now the discomfort at the thought of vomiting was warring with the guilt, times from her childhood illnesses to the reaction her body had to the news of her parents echoed about, pairing with recollections of her misdeeds. She gagged and heaved, reaching a washroom just in time.
Frost traced the porcelain where she gripped, layers building the more she heaved over the bowl as pain clenched over the emptiness inside her. Nothing more than bile for her stomach to reject now.
The ice had not affected the water, thankfully. Elsa leaned back against the frozen tiles of the wall as water gurgled back into the cistern and her mind cleared of worry for a brief moment. She rose, rinsed her mouth and stumbled back out into the hall, still shaking and unable to stop.
Elsa paced once more, by now she would have missed lunch and Anna. Maybe her sister would just think she was busy working? In the few weeks since they had reconnected Elsa had managed to keep these attacks to herself, hidden in her room or study. She didn't want to worry or hurt Anna in any way.
Footsteps on the stairs had Elsa hurrying to hide from whoever it was, there was a corner with a suit of armour near, it would block her from view unless the person searched. Elsa gripped her elbows hard, wrapping her arms around her, trying to stop the shaking. "Don't, don't, don't…"
"Elsa?" It was Anna.
Of course she had come searching for Elsa after missing her at lunch. Of course she was going to see her sister weak and useless at the mercies of her mind. Elsa breathed another shuddering breath and tried to curl up further.
The footsteps came closer, Anna's slightly clumsy gait tempered by her concern. "Elsa, I know you are in the corner. You're snowing." She sounded light but there was hurt in her voice and Elsa felt worse. She opened her eyes and indeed a flurry was falling on her, an angry grey cloud moored to her head. She screwed her eyes shut again and tried to calm herself. It was a futile effort.
"Elsa, what's the matter?" Anna's voice was close now, near enough but not frighteningly close. Elsa opened her eyes to see her sister sat at the foot of the armour.
"J-jus-JusT an anxiety att-ttack." Elsa stuttered out, speaking aloud was always a problem during these periods. Tears leaked down her cheeks, escaping despite her best efforts. "Nothing to, to- to worry about."
"Oh Elsa…" Anna reached forward and Elsa fought the urge to flinch back in her frosted corner. A single finger touched her knee, probing for a reaction that never came, another joined and another until the entire hand was resting there, a warm spot in the coldness.
"Don't worry. I ge-ge-Get these all the time…" Elsa mumbled before she realised what she was saying. When the import of her words registered she widened her eyes in fear.
"All the time? Elsa! You're hurting and I should be there to make you feel better. Why are you hiding this from me? Concealing yourself still…" The word sparked a flicker of ice up the wall.
"I don't want to worry you Anna; I'm supposed to be, to be the strong older sister." Elsa took a shuddering breath. A second hand landed on her other knee.
"You worry me more when you hide it all." Anna's voice was soft and caring. When Elsa looked up, her sister's eyes were focused on her and giving her such a loving look. "I know it is hard to break the habits of, well, a lifetime really and you get scared and worried and stressed and sad. I get it, the trolls said it themselves, people don't make good choices when they feel like that. But you need love to feel better and I can give you all the love you need."
"Thank you Anna." Elsa's voice was normal again but the shake to her shoulders and the snow betrayed how she was feeling.
"Let's go get some hot chocolate and sit in the drawing room." The hands on Elsa's knees took left and caught the digits gripping the elbows for dear life. Thinking about putting something in her mouth that would go down her throat made Elsa's gorge rise.
"No, not hot chocolate, but thank you Anna." Elsa allowed herself to be lifted up from the floor, led by her hands.
"But you love chocolate." Anna sounded put out, cross even.
"It isn't so appealing when you've been sick." Elsa was feeling too ill to really censor her words. Anna gasped and pulled her close, wrapping an arm around her. Grateful for the support Elsa leaned against her sister.
"I'm getting you to bed." Anna said, guiding Elsa from the hallway and up the stairs. Her love, clear in tone and action, warmed Elsa a little and the trail of snow that marked their wake thawed and dissipated. "How do you get over these then." Anna said quietly as they reached the door to Elsa's room.
"Usually I wait them out; it isn't so bad after I have… Well, when there is nothing there." Elsa skimmed over the unpleasant details. "I get them at night, last thing before sleep. I just wait until I drop off and then sleep them out when they're this bad." Her voice was feeling more normal to her ears but the tingling pinpricks in her lips and fingertips and the sporadic shakes to her frame told Elsa she was still not quite there.
"I don't mind missing an afternoon for you to feel better." Anna sat Elsa on the bed and she lay down on it, the churning in her stomach quieted in this more comfortable position. She sighed.
"Thank you Anna. I'm sorry, I'm being so, so stupid!" Elsa loosened the clasps on her clothes and kicked her shoes off. Her sister sat down on the edge of the bed.
"You can't help it though, like the other thing." Anna skirted around Elsa's melancholy moments, those and this episode were part and parcel of their shared past. While she had fears of betrayal and abandonment, trust was a big deal and closed doors a phobia. Elsa had the clawing, gnawing anxiety, carrion birds to her soul and a black dog that haunted her. Much of her sister's fear and self-loathing had been lifted but some was deep rooted.
"I try, but the triggers are difficult to ignore." Elsa held down on a shiver and a warm hand placed on her back to rub soothing circles.
"I know, I really do. I don't let Kai lock the gates and I was only happy when I hid the key and I hate it if anyone closes my door…" Anna trailed off; Elsa would just blame herself for all of that. She instead decided to just rub her sister's back, relishing the closeness and the fact Elsa wasn't shying away. In fact, she was pushing in to the touch.
"That's nice." She mumbled, eyes heavy, tiredness came quickly after an attack like this. As her eyes closed Anna began to hum then sing a song. A lullaby their mother used to sing to them every night. Normally the anxiety and sickness would keep Elsa tossing and turning in bed for hours but Anna's tender care had calmed the storm.
When the lullaby ended Elsa was sleeping peacefully and Anna smiled down at her sister. She trailed a finger through the platinum strands and admired the lines of Elsa's face. Her sister was beautiful, she didn't deserve these moments of mental anguish so fraught it hurt her physically. Still gently humming the tune Anna hoisted her legs onto the bed and picked up a book from the dresser next to it.
"Utopia." Anna read, she furrowed her brow, the book looked to be more of the political prose her sister read but she wasn't going to leave Elsa alone now. "Beggars can't be choosers." She grumbled to herself and began to read, though her Latin was far from excellent.
Elsa woke up to a rumble in her stomach, her anxiety had calmed and her body had relaxed in sleep so the effects of a lost breakfast and missed lunch were making themselves known. There was a weight on her back spreading warmth through her. She turned "Anna?"
Her sister was asleep with a book open on her lap and the first traces of hair chaos beginning on her head. Elsa's movement was disturbing her and soon sapphire eyes were blinking . "Elsa, feeling better now?" Anna yawned wide, "Well, you don't expect to feel so tired after a nap, really…" She mumbled sitting up so Elsa could rise.
"I am feeling a great deal better now, thank you Anna." Elsa smiled, it only faltered a little when her mind betrayed her with a 'for the time being' spiked into her mood.
Anna hadn't noticed, busy putting the book down and making an attempt to sort her hair but Elsa is still frowning in her eyes when Anna turns. "Hey," she cups her sister's chin with a hand. "Are you sure you're ok?"
Elsa inhales, she still loves the feeling of her sister touching her so easily, despite the many reasons that should stop her. "I am alright for now. This, this isn't like thawing the town or giving Olaf a flurry to keep him cool, there isn't a quick fix or any fix really." She paused, checking there was no hurt in Anna's expression. She finds only care. "There is only control, management… I think it will always be there. Anxiety, triggers and all those things." The hand on her chin moves and now arms are wrapped around her in a hug.
"Next time it happens tell me, I'll help you calm down or just, just be there for you. I've talked you down more than once now after all." Anna gave her sister a squeeze. "Love will do a whole lot more besides thawing." She smiled at Elsa. "Though next time I'd appreciate some different reading material."
Elsa laughed, "I'll get some books you like in here then." She put her own arms around Anna to complete the hug and gave a sly look to her sister. "I'll make sure a pail of crayons is left in reach too."
"Elsa!" Anna blew a raspberry and both women began to giggle until a loud and very un-queenly rumble came from Elsa.
"I think I need some supper, or breakfast…" They looked out to the window at a untranslatable sky, it could be early evening or morning from the peach and pink wisps painted across and the clock in the corner wasn't much help either.
They left the room hand in hand. The storm, the anxiety, would always be part of her Elsa knew, just as much as her ice. However Anna would be here to help her from now on, with her sister to help maybe the looming anxiety would lose its tight grip.
Every day the future looked brighter.
Anxiety is a creeping thing, you can't escape it. Triggers can be anywhere and will set you off if you suffer from an anxiety disorder.