If you had asked me two months ago, I'd have said I'd never feel the way I do
About him.
I would say I never thought about the way his eyes sparkle
When he talks about things he loves.
Dance, mainly.
But sometimes musicals.
I would say I never noticed the way he stood a little more confident
When he was called upon
As district leader.
But, if you asked me today, I would have to say I have
Noticed those things,
Thought those thoughts.
Two months ago, I was so sure
That I was straight.
But today, I have doubts.
I'm questioning things.
My faith.
My life.
My love.
Not that I don't have my reasons
For these questions.
For instance, that strange, panicky, excited feeling I get
Whenever he comes near.
Or that tight feeling in my pants whenever I stare
At certain parts of him for longer
Than a few moments.
Or they way my heart skips when someone
Mentions his name.
McKinley.
McKinley.
McKinley.
Like an angel.
And I try to turn it off
But it's getting increasingly harder and harder.
And sometimes, at night, after Cunningham's asleep,
I allow myself to turn it
On.
If only for a moment.