Love at First Bite

A work in progress, this story is my own Puck/Kurt-inspired redux of Silly Love Songs. (I'd also like the point out that this was a prompt written by pterawaters because I want to enunciate the fact that without her and her epic prompting, I would've never even thought to write this. She's pretty much the inspiration for Love at First Bite. Fo' realz.) That said, expect plenty of aspects and spoilers from Season 2!

For those curious, the title comes from Aerosmith's "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)", which will be making an appearance sometime later on in this fic.

Parts one through three (one and two share this first chapter) are already written and posted; expect four shortly, and feel free to leave suggestions and recommendations in your review!

He was halfway through clearing out his locker, carefully packaging his emergency hair products and spare outfits. It's weird to think I won't be needing these anymore, he thought with just a touch of regret. It wasn't like he wanted to leave, after all. But thanks to Karofsky…

His body tensed at the ominous squeak-slap squeak-slap of someone's shitty Converse hitting the linoleum as they sprinted down the hall… towards him. Thinking it was some jock trying to get in one last farewell slushie for the road, he shoved his head further into his locker. (He felt like some pathetic, flamboyant little gopher, burrowing into the ground at the slightest hint of trouble, and wasn't that thought just a lovely kick to his already battered, very male ego?)

"Kurt!"

He snapped out of his glaring contest with the locker mirror, peering over the lip of the locker's door. "...Puck?"

"Hey dude, wait up-you can't leave!"

Kurt sighed, having gone through the same exact thing with some of the other gleeks. (Brittany had been a particularly painful experience; he'd ended up telling her that he finally got his letter to Hogwarts. It was easier than trying to explain the whole situation.) "Puck, I've told everyone else in glee club, and I'll tell you. I have to leave. Unless I want to be a smear on the lockers-"

"No, look. I can help you," Puck insisted, catching his breath as he leaned up against the row of lockers beside Kurt. "Just like I said in glee, I can-"

"I appreciate your offer, but do you really think you can keep an eye on me every single second of the school day? Unless you attach a tracking device to Karofsky and his goons, you won't be able to keep me safe. No one can." He softened at Puck's pout. "Look, I'm sorry..."

"Dude, I can handle Karofsky and all that. Gimme one week to prove it to you."

Kurt swallowed against the phantom feel of Karofsky's lips pressing against his, bile rising in his throat. "Puck-"

"Come on, Kurt. One week, that's all I'm asking. Seven days, and I'll make sure no one even thinks about laying a hand on you and your prissy-fied outfits. Just..." Puck scratched the back of his neck, bashful. "I'd sorta avoid the corsets, bud. Even I think that's a bit much, and I'm usually down with kinky shit."

Kurt flushed. "It was one time," he stressed.

Puck smirked back at him. "Right. So... we on?" He offered his hand to Kurt, who sort of stared at it for a moment.

"On one condition," Kurt murmured. His eyes flashed up to Puck's before darting down again. Who knows if he's as okay with me as he says, Kurt thought bitterly. He's probably just like Finn.

"Shoot."

Kurt steeled himself for the worst, puffing his chest and meeting Puck's gaze head-on. "I want seven minutes in heaven... with you."

Puck blinked. "I-uh, what?" He expected for Kurt to look terrified and near-tears with each silent second that ticked past-not that he wanted him to-but his determined frown didn't falter. The way Kurt stood before him, looking like a penguin trying to be intimidating made Puck want to laugh. Still, he had to respect the kid's balls.

"If you're so adamant about keeping me around here," Kurt finally replied, "You're going to have to prove to me that you have no qualms with me gaying up the place. I don't intend to tone down my style or personality just to make life easier for myself. I will not be a run-of-the-mill wallflower afraid to show the world who I am, Noah Puckerman."

"But you're afraid enough to hightail it outta here?" Puck asked, regretting it as soon as the words left his mouth. Kurt looked the most vulnerable Puck had seen him since he'd told everyone in glee about transferring. Puck shoved down his hesitance and (slight) disgust and agreed before Kurt had time to change his mind. "Fine, I'll do it. Just-don't think I'll make any exceptions 'cause you're my boy," he said firmly. "I'll give you seven minutes, no more."

Puck was glad that hurt look had mostly faded from Kurt's expression. It made him want to beat himself up for being such a douche. Kurt rolled his eyes and muttered, "I'll try to contain myself."

They stood there, sharing an awkward little bubble of space. "Well?" Puck prompted after what felt like ages.

"Well what?" Kurt snapped. "Am I supposed to make the first move or something? My knowledge of Seven Minutes in Heaven is solely based off of what I've seen in movies, so-"

"What?" Puck blinked. "No, I mean-where'd you wanna go so we can get this over with?"

"I hope you're relying on your talents more than your charm, Puckerman, because this is so not winning me over," Kurt snapped. "And I thought we were doing it here."

"Here?" Puck repeated. Christ, he must sound like a fucking moron, but he was so confused. More so than after he'd told his ma about Carole being in the hospital for her prostate surgery. "What, you mean like… out in the open?"

Kurt glared at him like he was a disgusting, flesh-eating parasite he wanted to nix. "It's after-hours. I didn't think we'd have to go the totally cliché route and scurry off to a supply closet to… "get this over with"."

Puck grimaced because a) he didn't really like that idea-what about the jocks who stayed after for practice?-and b) Kurt was really ace about making Puck feel like a heartless bastard. Was he taking lessons from Puck's mom? He was really good with the whole guilting thing.

Before he could apologize or something, Kurt (thankfully) sighed and said something about an empty classroom, along with some longwinded one-sided argument with himself on his "wise" decision. (He'd even used air-quotes.)

Puck had to wonder what the fuck he was on and what he'd gotten himself into. After seven minutes with the Puckerone, Kurt wouldn't be able to resist him! Puck sighed to himself, shaking his head sorrowfully. Poor Kurt would probably transfer out anyway, from the intense heartbreak of seeing Puck walking around the halls, making out with hot chicks and getting his mack on while Kurt watched wistfully from the sidelines.

Puck just hoped he wouldn't have to bring out a restraining order. Jeez, the things he did for friends!