Well, there's a first for everything. Ste writes a letter to Brendan for his birthday.
If you expect some sweet fluff for this birthday, don't read this. You've been warned.
Dear Brendan,
It's your birthday today.
A lot happened since that exact same day one year ago:
It's been exactly one year since you've let me make one of the worse decision of my life, letting me marrying Doug.
One year since you saw me lying on this hospital bed, between life and death, fighting. Cheryl told me you were there. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to see me there with all these tubes and wires.
One year since you gave me one of the thing you cherish the most.. your necklace.
And I kept it you know, all this time. I kept it, because I always knew that I couldn't let go. I couldn't stop thinking about you; I couldn't stop loving you. And even if I was willing to run away to the other side of the world, I needed something to remind me of you. I have to admit, I've never understood your faith in God, especially after everything that happened to us do you really believe there's still a god out there..? -, but I kept it in a box in the bottom of the wardrobe we once shared. And some nights, not long after you went to prison and I felt all alone in the darkness, I held it close to my heart and it was like you were there next to me all over again until all I could feel was the coldness of the silver cross.
Yes, this past year hasn't been easy for us. We went through a lot. But we never stopped fighting.
I've never stopped fighting for you. I haven't.
People might think I've stopped thinking about you, but there'll never be anyone else. There is no one else. It's only you. It's been you since that day your Cheryl hired me to cater the club opening; it's been you long before I even knew it was you, - long before I even knew who I was.
But it was ok, because you were there. We weren't together at this time and we were fighting our own demons but you were there and it was enough.
And now, I'm just alone. Doug's dead. The kids are back with their mother and even if I just found meself a new family, it's not the same, right? Cause none of them can understand me the way you understood me. Even if I give it some time. They're really nice tho, they're a good distraction. You would have liked my new sisters. The youngest one, Perry, reminds me of our Leah, a bit older but still.
They don't know me the way you do.
You know what I like. You know I stubbornly never eat pickles. You know how hot I like my bath. You know I like to stay in bed all Sunday with you. You know how much I love lemon tarts especially after we spent that day in bed together.
You know what turned me on. You know who turns me on.. How to handle me when I'm a bit drunk and all I want is you. All I want is to feel you in every possible way because it's always what it's been about. You and me, fighting for each other love, and happiness and life.
I miss you Brendan. I miss you more than I've ever missed anything and anyone in my life. I can't see anything when I'm not with you, everything is all blurry. It's like someone has put a veil on my face and they're expecting me to go on with my life like before. But I can't. I can't do it without you. I can't leave my life without you Brendan. I love you.. and it hurts even more each day because I can't see that ridiculous tashed face of yours. I can't hear your deep yet powerful Irish voice. I can't touch that defined body or smell that particular aftershave I bought you for Christmas and you like so much.
I can't do any of that and it kills me.
And today is your birthday. All I want is to be with you, to spoil, to tell you and show you how much I love you. But I can't. I thought about what we would do today. How happy you would have been because that day would have been yours and yours only.
How I would have slowly and sensually woke you up. How I would have kissed you and wished you happy birthday until our lips ache. How I would have gotten us to a very posh hotel, where we would have gone to dinner and drink champagne. You would have taken the steak and I would have watched you wolf the whole thing down.
Of course I would have already told them to get us another bottle of champagne and some chocolate covered strawberries. Because I know how much you secretly love them. And we would have drink some more and fed each other and fucked. Our alcohol induced states making us want to go crazy, want to go faster and harder and deeper. Frenzy and clumsiness, until we'd reach orgasm. And then we would have made love and I would have told you how much I love you and you would have shown me and told me this was forever. That you wouldn't feel any differently about me. And I would have told you the same because I couldn't fight it. My love for you has no beginning and no end and whatever I do, it always takes me back there. Here, with you in your arms, and all I can think about it that the world would be good again.
But all of this is just a fantasy right?
Us growing old together.. Celebrating countless birthdays and anniversaries together.
Was it all a lie? Because you promised me Brendan, that this was forever. You said I changed everything, but so did you. You'll never understand how much. And that would have been alright if you were there next to me. It would have been alright.
So please Brendan, I'm begging you, stop fighting me and let me in because I'll never stop fighting for you. I'll never stop waiting for you.
Let me celebrate the next 100 birthdays.. With you.
Happy Birthday Brendan.
Forever yours,
Steven. xx