Six am, day after Christmas.
Will hadn't slept very well the night before but when he turned over in bed to find the other side empty, he felt a sinking feeling deep in his chest. He lay there for a moment while his vision adjusted to the morning light and the illumination coming through the doorway. He had to force himself to get up and change into some normal clothes.
He wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her it was going to be okay, to make everything disappear, but there was nothing he could do for her now. The last two weeks she had pulled away from him and he did his best to just be there, giving her every ounce of support he had to offer, but it was never enough. Several mornings he woke up to a bed empty, only to find her on the couch, and each time he found her there, he felt the distance between them growing wider.
He ruffled a hand through his blond hair and grabbed a few things from the bedroom, making his way out to where Mackenzie curled up on the couch, wrapped tightly in a blanket with her eyes closed. She wasn't asleep, he could tell by the erratic breathing of her form; but she was exhausted, and he couldn't guess how many hours of sleep she had last night.
"You don't have to do this," he offered, a common phrase he found himself telling her these days. Ever since she came to the decision, she would shake off the attempted comfort and told him they had to, something Will couldn't bring himself to believe. They had to.
This time, Mac was silent, but she disturbed her position to look up at him as he stood behind the sofa. His fingers gripped the edge and she just nodded her head a little, appreciating his efforts. The corner of her mouth twitched upward but it was too weak of an attempt to smile.
Her silence caused his heart to crumble in despair. Will knew the day was coming, he had time to prepare, but it didn't mean he had gotten there yet. He wasn't going to leave Mac alone. He came around the couch and pulled her into his arms, feeling her shudder within his embrace, and he rested a hand on the back of her head to try and console her.
"We need to go," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and encouraging her to stand. Her eyes were red and swollen; fresh tear tears welled up and refreshed the dried streaks down her cheeks. Will caressed a gentle touch across her cheek to brush them away and helped her from the sofa.
"Are you sure you've taken care of everything? This won't get out?" she finally choked out, her voice hoarse and quiet from exhaustion. Will nodded in response but he could tell from her expression that he lacked conviction.
"I'll double check everything on the way," he offered and while it wasn't confirmation, it was enough to get her going. He led her out of the apartment and down to the lobby where the car was already waiting. She inhaled a sharp breath before she stepped onto the street from their building and into the car. It was a quiet morning considering, for which she was thankful, but New York City was far from quiescent on any given day.
Will slipped into the back of the car after her, noticing the gap she left between them, and he couldn't understand how he had gotten here. Mackenzie felt miles from him even though she was just a few inches away, mimicking their interaction in the last few weeks. Their future had been so clear, but to keep those plans intact, Will found himself taking an unwanted test of his own morality. She was staring blankly out the tinted window, shivering on the cold leather of the seat, and he couldn't make himself reach out for her. He gave her a few minutes while the driver pulled away from the sidewalk and into traffic and he made a few phone calls in order to make sure every detail had gone through and not an untrusted soul would be involved this morning.
The drive was silent. He often glanced in her direction but she never broke her gaze to the outside world, leaving him to his own mind that was quickly turning into a death trap. His hands rubbed across his face while he tried to hold everything together but as each minute ticked by, he felt he was losing more and more of what was supposed to be his life.
Will swallowed hard, turning a little to look at her. His lips parted to speak her name but he came up voiceless, instead choosing to wrap his arm around her shoulders and pull her close. She was reluctant to move but gave in, leaning into the crook of his chest and shoulder. "Will," she protested, but curled into him as much as she could. She wanted to pull away from reality and find herself somewhere else, somewhere where this wasn't happening to her. Mackenzie trembled beneath his hold but they did not exchange anything for the rest of the ride.
The driver pulled up where he was supposed to in order to avoid any attention from the media; the last thing they needed was a horrible story plastered across TMI or some other tabloid on their lives. They did not linger in hallways or with unnecessary people, instead they were shuffled into a room by themselves for a little while.
"Are you okay?" Will asked after a moment of silence, his thumb tracing circles on the backs of her hands. Mac, with half a heart, nodded but Will wasn't satisfied with her answer. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead, lingering a moment, and pulled back when the door opened. He drew her in close because he knew he couldn't go with her despite how much he argued and pleaded. The nurse was silent for a moment and Will gave a final squeeze and reluctantly let her go.
"I love you," she uttered through a sudden bout of tears.
"I love you, too," he whispered and stepped back.
He thought to offer, once more, that she didn't have to do this if she had any second thoughts, but he held his tongue. The nurse stepped up and put a compassionate hand on Mackenzie's shoulder, explaining where they were going, and they disappeared from the room. Will strained to listen as long as he could hear them but eventually he was left alone in apprehension. He paced back and forth in the small room, looking to his phone or to the magazines for a distraction, but his attention did not last long.
Will felt a rock sink in his stomach the longer he sat in the room alone. He hated that Mackenzie had to go through this alone with no one at her side, no one to hold her hand, having lost the battle to be there. She had been so withdrawn the last few weeks that he worried how much this was going to play a toll on her, on them. He couldn't imagine their life going back to normal once all this was over and she was back home. All he knew was that he couldn't let it get any worse and he had to keep her together somehow.
Mackenzie had felt off for days, showing symptoms that didn't fit with a simple stomach bug, and sent herself to the doctor. The evening Mackenzie received the distressing phone call, his entire world felt surreal, wiping their future from the table. Hours turned into days as they explored possibilities, tried to meet in the middle, and ultimately Will coming up empty handed. It was a decision Mackenzie had not made lightly, but she made it on her own.
Perhaps she had even known the outcome the moment she came home from the doctor's office, leaving Will in the dark, because when they had started to argue, they had both known how it was all going to end. He had been reluctant to agree to her decision, even if he had little control of it. He couldn't argue with the facts of their lifestyle or their age, even when his own morality was in question. The health of his soon-to-be wife was far more important than anything else. It didn't make it any easier when she had told him what she wanted to do, but he had forced himself to stand back and accept it.
He was fighting back tears when the door opened and someone in a white coat stepped through. She looked calm; her face almost blank enough for Will to project his own emotions on her, but his stare was empty while he tried to figure out what was going on. Looking up at her, his hair was a mess and his eyes were heavy with exhaustion and worry, but he forced himself to stand for what she had to say.
"Mr. McAvoy," she began and Will felt too impatient for her pause but too reluctant to try and speak. Her voice was soft and abnormally placid for what she was telling him, causing knots to tangle in his stomach, but he listened intently as she explained the process from the moment they took Mackenzie out of the room. "She's resting now. We used light sedation so we just want to monitor her for a little while longer and then you can come back and see your fiancée," she explained and he felt a wave of relief—as short as it was—to know everything was okay.
Except everything wasn't okay and he knew that it wasn't the end of the battle. He was left alone with the sudden pain of worry until someone came to get him and he followed in a foggy haze. He made an attempt to remember the way they were going but by the time he reached her room, he couldn't think about anything else.
The next thing he noticed was how exhausted Mac looked. The hospital gown swallowed her whole and she looked like someone foreign, someone hidden inside his fiancée. He couldn't tell if she were awake; her eyes were closed and she was covered in a thin blanket that showed lies of peace and comfort. Will dropped his hand and curled his fingers around her fists with a gentle squeeze, assuring her that he was there.
Will didn't know what would happen when they left; he couldn't imagine what their life would be. He could see the faint outlines of what once was, as if watching a movie with an actor that looked just like him, playing the familiar role he was no longer in touch with. He was left questions and feelings he didn't know what to do with and he knew he couldn't offer his burden to her when she had one to bear already. He sat there in silence, wanting to take the weight off her shoulders and add it to the baggage that sat by his feet.
Her eyes fluttered open and her head rolled in his direction but there was little perception in her expression. She whispered a soft apology as her eyes closed and Will gently squeezed her hand, trying to keep her attention.
"We'll go home soon, okay?" he promised and she offered a weak nod of her head, curling to the side without letting go of his hand. She made a great effort to stay awake, his hand enabling a feeling of safety and home in an unfamiliar place. "We'll get you home," he murmured and pressed his lips to her forehead while she rested and waited for her release.
For the moment, we're alone,
She's alone,
I'm alone,
Now I know it.