BWF: Benefits with Friends
This is a rather depressing storyline about trying to find love in all the wrong places. KandaAllen with suggestions of KandaAlma and possibly other pairings later.
"Alma?" Kanda stepped toward the other exorcist. The exorcist turned and smiled at the samurai. "Kanda!" He ran over and tackled him in a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the taller man.
Allen watched the two. He had heard the occasional story about Alma from Kanda. The two were childhood friends and had trained to be exorcists together. Alma had stayed in the Asia Branch, though, while Kanda came to the European branch. They hadn't seen each other since they were children. He knew that but he still felt a twinge in his heart. Kanda never reacted that way with him. Kanda barely acknowledged him as it was. Here he was, hugging and laughing with someone else. Allen mumbled to Lenalee that he was going back to his room and turned around, heading away from the scene. He'd seen enough. Kanda watched him go out of the corner of his eye, but he was too wrapped up in the novelty of meeting Alma again to notice the slight hunch in Allen's shoulders.
Kanda was sitting in the cafeteria, drinking a cup of tea, waiting for Alma to show. Allen brought his tray over and sat across from him. He began eating in silence. He didn't even seem to notice Kanda's presence, as though he'd sat at the table out of habit. Kanda enjoyed the silence, a novelty to him. He wondered briefly why the Moyashi wasn't eating as much as he normally would but he brushed it off. Allen continued to eat in silence. Alma laughed gaily and raced over to the table. Kanda smiled brightly at him and stood. Allen paused, his eyes flicking up to look at Kanda and Alma. He regarded them silently for a moment. He dropped his fork on his tray and stood, carrying it away from the table. His presence barely registered to the two friends. He dumped most of his food in the trash and exited the cafeteria. He suddenly wasn't hungry.
The scenes continued to repeat without anyone noticing. Allen was slowly breaking, his mental stability threatened daily. He kept it bottled up inside, refusing to let his weakness show. He began requesting more missions, claiming he felt useless in the Order. In reality, he couldn't stand to see Kanda and Alma together. He began eating less and less, losing weight. Still, no one really noticed. Jerry complained about Allen's appetite decreasing, but no one took him seriously. He was Allen; he had to have a huge appetite. He hardly ate on away missions, brushing it off as being energized by the adrenaline rush. He was breaking and nobody noticed; nobody cared enough to see the warning signs. Timcampy flew off in search of its Master, worried about Allen's condition. It disappeared right after Allen collapsed on a mission from exhaustion and hunger. Still, Allen refused to address the problem. Koumi ordered him to take a break and rest at the Order.
Allen was walking along, searching for Timcampy, when he stumbled across Kanda and Lavi talking. Lavi was laughing and patting Kanda on the back. Curious, he followed them. They were heading to the library. Kanda, apparently, had promised to meet Alma there and help him study. Lavi was returning after a break. He needed to help Bookman sort through his records. They talked about Kanda and then about Alma. Allen was becoming tired of the conversation and turned to leave when Lavi brought him up. He asked Kanda what he thought of Allen. When Kanda demanded to know why, Lavi laughed and said that the two of them had hung out quite a bit before Alma appeared. Kanda scoffed. "It's not like it was by choice. The Moyashi just followed me around, doing as he pleased. It was rather annoying."
"Ah, come on, don' be like that, Yuu." Lavi coaxed. "That's no way to talk about a friend."
"Che. I told you, don't call me that!" Kanda snapped, wrenching the library door open. "Besides, we're not friends. We're not even comrades."
That comment stung Allen. He stood there, frozen in shock. Lavi followed Kanda in but he didn't hear the redhead's response. His whole world was slowly going black. He couldn't even breathe. He stood there for several minutes, trying to breathe and not collapse mentally. Kanda had been lying to Lavi. He hadn't meant what he had said. He'd only said those cruel things because they were expected of him. He was trying to protect their relationship. He was trying to protect Allen from ridicule. Allen clung to that thought, desperately hoping and wishing it to be true. He needed it to be true to hold onto reality. He turned abruptly and headed back to his room. He needed to regroup.
Allen gaped at the scene before him, wide-eyed. He realized he hadn't talked to Kanda about their relationship status. He knew that Kanda regarded Alma with deep feelings, feelings he'd never shown Allen. He understood that their relationship would never compare to the relationship Kanda had with Alma. Nevertheless, he'd thought they were different. He thought they were something more than "just friends" or "friends with benefits." He'd been so sure that their relationship had meant so much more to Kanda than an occasional fling. He'd never been more hurt to find out he was wrong. He'd overheard Kanda talking to Lavi about their relationship a few days ago. He'd said those hurtful comments about not being friends, "not even comrades" and that had hurt him, but he thought he'd been covering up their relationship. Tears stung his eyes but he didn't shed them. Apparently, Kanda had meant those words. He'd meant every one of them.
Lying in his bed, sheets tossled around them, fast asleep in each other's arms were Kanda and Alma. He didn't mean anything to Kanda after all. He'd just been a replacement and now that the real thing was here, he was no longer needed. The door fell away from his hands and shut close with a barely audible click. Allen turned away quickly. He was going to be sick. He moved in a daze, looking for some way to relieve the grief and betrayal he was feeling. He stumbled and caught onto the railing. He couldn't breathe. "Allen? Allen!" Lavi rushed to his side, worry filling his voice. " 're ya all 'ight? What's tha matt'r?"
Allen took a deep, shuttering breath. "I'm going to be sick." He managed to get the words out before the contents of his stomach hit the floor. His knees buckled but Lavi's strong arms wrapped around him, catching him before he fell. " 're ya all 'ight? 're ya sick?"
Allen shook his head. He couldn't help the small little hiccup that escaped him. A single tear rolled down his cheek and his body shook with the repressed grief. He should have never come to see Kanda. He should have never opened that door. He'd been content with their relationship when he'd known he mattered. He didn't think he could get that feeling back again. His body shook harder and more tears spilled out. The only sign of his overwhelming grief. He was slowly breaking, reaching the end of his emotional rope. It was only now that a hand reached out, trying to save him from the darkness threatening to overcome him. The problem was that he no longer knew how to reach out to grasp that hand.
Lavi held the shaking boy in his arms. He'd seen Allen walking and called out to him. His first sign that something was wrong was that he didn't respond. He didn't even seem to notice him, as if he hadn't heard him call out at all. When he came closer, he could tell he was shaking. He stumbled, tripping forward. For a brief, sickening moment Lavi was sure he was going to fall over the railing. If he fell, he would die. He rushed forward. Allen managed to catch himself, steadying himself by holding onto the railing. Lavi was by his side in the next instant. "Allen? Allen! 're ya all 'ight? What's tha matt'r?" Lavi cried anxiously. Allen's body shook and he managed to reply. "I'm going to be sick." He promptly was, spilling the contents of his stomach on the floor. Lavi reached out to rub his back just as his knees buckled. Instinctively, Lavi wrapped his arms around Allen's middle and pulled him back, supporting him.
" 're ya all 'ight? 're ya sick?" Lavi asked, trying to figure out what was going on. It was rare that something was wrong with Allen. If he was sick, it must be serious. Allen shook his head, however. A small hiccup escaped his lips. No, he wasn't physically sick it seemed. However, he appeared to be dealing with some very serious emotional problems. His body shook but he didn't cry out. Lavi didn't see the tear slip out until he noticed it on Allen's cheek moments before it fell. Allen's body shook harder as he repressed the sobs. No wonder he was sick, repressing his emotions this way! Another tear slipped out and Lavi watched it. Allen was truly hurting right now and he didn't know how to help him feel better. Allen never talked about his emotions, come to think of it, only listened to other people's pain.
"Cry. Let it all out. Just cry." Lavi coaxed but Allen shook his head. He refused to cry, suppressing his feelings further. The shaking lessened until he finally had his breathing under control. Allen took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he was shaking again, his body twitching as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He was having a seizure! "Help!" Lavi cried, screaming out the words. "Sum body help! Please!" He held the shaking boy, his fear growing as the seizure worsened and for a brief moment, he was sure Allen would die in his arms before anyone came. Then Reever was beside him, sticking a piece of bundled cloth in between his teeth so they didn't shatter from the violent impact of repeatedly clinking against each other.
"Hold his head still. We don't want him to suffer any brain damage." Reever instructed him.
"What's happenin'? Why isn't it stoppin'?" Lavi demanded, panicking.
"Allen is having a seizure. We tried to keep it from you, but this happens to him sometimes. When a situation becomes too stressful for him or when he's repressed his emotions too long, he has a seizure. It's only happened twice since he joined the Order." Reever explained, loosening Allen's collar so it didn't accidently strangle him. "It's slowing now. It'll be over soon."
"What's going on?" Koumi appeared by Reever's side, took in the situation and turned to Lavi, immediately serious. "Go get the Head Nurse. She'll need to check up on him immediately. Go. Now."
Allen woke, his eyes fluttering open slowly. Everything was…white? "Where…am I?"
"Allen? Thank god, y'er awake!" Lavi was by his side in an instant, hovering over him. "I thought ya were nev'r goin' ta wake up!"
"Lavi? What happened? Where am I?" He tried to sit up but his body was sore and left heavy. "Ah… Guess that answers that question." He smiled sheepishly at Lavi. "Didn't mean to startle you. How long was I out?"
"St-startled me?" Lavi sputtered, upset.
"Twenty five minutes." Koumi spoke, stepping in front of Lavi. "The longest yet."
"I see…" He shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. "That's not good."
"It's because you keep doing this to yourself." Reever crossed his arms, looking fairly upset. "You never talk about how you're feeling or what's going on. Rely on us, Allen. We're your friends."
"Sorry…" He gave another sheepish smile. "I'll try to talk to you more in the future, Reever-san. Thanks."
"Why don't you start right now by telling me what this was all about?"
A pained expression flitted across Allen's face and he shook his head. "It's nothing…"
"Allen, talk to us! What's going on? You said you could always talk to me." Reever pressed, stepping closer to the bed.
Allen's arms wrapped around his chest, his expression panicked. "There's nothing to tell." However, his teeth were clenched and he was beginning to shake again. "It's nothing. It's nothing."
"Okay. Okay." Reever conceded, placing his hands on Allen's shoulders. "There's nothing to tell. I won't ask anymore. It's okay. It's okay."
Allen nodded, his panicked expression dimming but not disappearing. "You…You won't tell anyone why I'm here, right?"
"You were just sick. Right, Lavi?" Reever looked meaningfully at Lavi. Lavi just stared at him dumbfounded before finally nodding. How had he been sucked into this mess? "See? You were just sick. Nothing to worry about."
Kanda woke early that morning. He thought he heard someone shouting but the sound was gone now. Alma cuddled with him, tightening his arms around his waist. Kanda smiled and smoothed the hair from his forehead, placing a kiss there. It was an intimate gesture but it felt off somehow. It dawned on him that the last time he made that gesture, it had been with the Moyashi. That must be the difference. He snuggled back down in bed but try as he might, he couldn't go back to sleep. He tried for about an hour before he finally gave up. He pried himself free from Alma's grasp and climbed out of bed. Perhaps some meditation and morning exorcise would help calm his mind and spirit.
He found that no matter how hard he tried, though, he couldn't meditate. His mind was restless. He worked hard training, bringing his mind and spirit to his will. Even then, he couldn't shake the restless feeling. Something was wrong; his body could sense it. Something was undeniably wrong. He tried to sense what was wrong, but he couldn't pinpoint the feeling. He just knew that something was wrong and he needed to fix it. He didn't dwell on the fact, though. Alma came to find him, tapping over to him with a huge smile. He begged Kanda to have breakfast with him. Kanda conceded, hungry from trying to control his restless spirit and pinpoint his emotional unrest.
"What?" Kanda stared at Lavi. "What did you just say?"
"I said Allen's sick in tha hospital wing." He turned his head away, feigning indifference. "I figur'd ya would know. Until recently, ya two were becomin' real close."
"What's wrong with him?"
"Hmm?" Lavi looked at Kanda.
"What's wrong with the Moyashi?" Kanda snapped, glaring at him angrily. Alma, who'd been hanging off him, looked at him curiously.
"I dunno." Lavi replied honestly. "I found 'im 'ight be for' he was sick all over my new boots. He was a real mess." He was about to say something about the seizure, but he remembered his promise. He looked away, annoyed. Why should he keep his mouth closed about this?
Kanda stormed away, his quick strides angry. He hadn't heard any of this. He hadn't been informed at all. Why was he just hearing about this now? That baka Usagi! Obviously, it was more than just "sick" for him to be in the hospital wing. The Moyashi was never sick. He was always walking around with that stupid grin. He strode over to the hospital wing. No, it wasn't that he was never sick. That time, when they went investigating the leaf of revival, he'd gotten sick then. He'd spent an entire day bringing his fever down. Allen wasn't as strong as he pretended to be. He wrenched the door open and strode inside without hesitation. His stormy expression said clearer than words how upset he was having not been informed of the situation earlier.
Allen stared at him in the doorway, his eyes tracing his body for a moment. Kanda felt hot under that gaze and then Allen broke it, looking away. He coughed, looking flushed. "What are you doing here?" He readjusted his shirt, buttoning it as quickly as his clumsy, trembling fingers would allow him.
"What do you mean, what am I doing here? You're sick!" Kanda retorted.
"I just had a little bug. I'll be better in no time." Allen replied. His voice shook a little bit with effort and false bravo. Kanda felt lost, as if he was missing some important piece of information. Why was Allen acting like this?