Mind over Matter
It takes time to heal. At least, that was what everyone kept telling her. When Sharon woke up in the hospital, she felt absolutely nothing but pain. Everything hurt, no matter what the doctors pumped into her system. Purple and blue bruises scattered across her body and were sore to the touch, her throat was hoarse, disabling her ability to speak, and there was a sharp pain in her ribs that made it difficult to breath. However, none of it compared to the agony from the fresh stitches just above her left breast.
Sharon could not remember what happened. One minute she was antagonizing a suspect, the next she was in bed, surrounded by doctors and bright lights. Someone explained to her that she had surgery, that she was lucky to be alive. When she was allowed visitors, Andy filled in the missing details. She collapsed in her office and was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors revived her, but she spent two days in a medically induced comma while they waited for a heart to arrive. Apparently, her heart came from a thirty-year old from Seattle, Washington. Died in a car crash. It was delivered via medical helicopter. Doctor Torres reminded her multiple times what luck she had to find someone so soon.
Over the next few days, the bruises disappeared and the fractured rib became tolerable. She could sit up without help, which Andy considered a great improvement. A week later, Doctor Torres allowed her to get out of bed and even walk up and down the hallway, with assistance of course. Being constantly watch by nurses and doctors meant Sharon was forced to follow every instruction. She took her pills regularly, stuck to her exercises, and ate the terrible food they gave her. Within a month, she was doing quite well and was even allowed to go home. Her doctors repeatedly expressed how great her recovery was going, how well her body adjusted to the new heart. Physically, she healed in hardly any time at all. However, since that moment she woke up in the hospital, Sharon thought she was spiraling into madness.
For the first few days, the pain wiped her physically and mentally. However, as her body healed and the drugs did their job, Sharon's full attention went to the black stiches pulling her body back together. When they were removed, a bright, red scar remained, constantly reminding her of the heart she no longer had and the new one in its place. Sharon would run her finger across the sore skin and think about the young woman that died in that car crash. Sharon wondered who else would have received the heart if not her. She thought about that almost all the time. The heart could have gone to another young woman, perhaps a mother with small children or a woman who hoped to one day have children. Maybe it would have gone to a criminal or just someone seeking a second chance at life. These thoughts kept her up for hours. At night, Sharon would lay in the hospital bed, listening to the noises from machines hooked up to her, and wonder why she was given the chance to continue living.
Under her doctor's orders, Sharon continued to take her medication and follow the basic exercises. She would lean onto a nurse and walk up and down the hallway without complaint. However, each time she swallowed another pill or sat through another check-up, Sharon considered if she deserved to have a new heart, if she was worth all of this medical attention. By the end of the month, when the doctors were applauding Sharon's ability to heal, she was crippled with grief and convinced the surgery was a mistake.
She never alluded this to any of the doctors, and especially not to Andy or Rusty when they came to visit. It was easy to keep up appearances for the few hours and focus solely on her physical recovery. However, after they left, Sharon would curl up into a ball and sob into a pillow. From these visits, it was clear that Sharon's surgery and subsequent recovery had affected all of their lives. Rusty talked about taking a break before grad school, to stay home with her. Andy suggested the possibility of retiring from the LAPD. Their lives turned to a direction that suited her needs, which only filled Sharon with more guilt.
The day Sharon was released from the hospital, Andy came to collect her things and take her home. Sharon tried to be as joyful as he was, but it was almost impossible. Leaving the hospital only meant she had to rely on Andy and Rusty even more. They would have to adjust their lives to take care of her while she continued to recover.
Sharon stayed quiet as Andy drove them to the condo. Occasionally, Sharon would run a hand across her chest to feel the scar. When they walked into the condo, the place was filled with flowers and cards from friends and family. Rusty greeted her with a warm hug and a homemade, "doctor approved" cake. Sharon sat down with her family and tried some of the cake. It surprised how easy it was to fake a smile and pretend she was happy. A part of her was glad to be home and to be surrounded by familiarity.
That night, Sharon leaned against the bathroom sink and looked at her scar in the mirror. It was a pink shade now, healing along with the rest of her body. Soon it would hardly be noticeable. Andy called her name from the bedroom; she must have been in there for some time. Sharon inspected the scar for a moment longer then joined him in bed. It felt strange and unfamiliar, sharing this space with her husband after a month of sleeping alone. They took a couple minutes to remember how to sleep in each other's arms. Finally, Sharon rested on her side, facing away from Andy, and closed her eyes. However, Sharon knew she would not fall asleep easily. For weeks, her mind was troubled with thoughts of doubt, especially at night. In the hospital, she would only fall asleep after a long period of crying and mental exhaustion. Tonight, Sharon tried to hold back her tears, but feeling Andy so close to her only seemed to bring them on faster. She muffled the sounds into a pillow as best as possible, but there was no luck.
Andy whispered something in her ear and pressed his lips against her hair, doing his best to calm her. He seemed to not be surprised at all. The man was a detective; perhaps he was more aware of the situation than Sharon originally believed. Andy wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body closer to his. He was warm and comforting, something she could never get from a pillow in the hospital. Andy continued to whisper how much he loved her and reminded her that everything would be okay. At first, his act of affection only made her sob more. However, as he continued to kiss her head and run his hands across her side, Sharon's crying subsided and she was able to face him.
Maybe it was his expression; that look of absolute and undoubtable love on his face. Whatever the reason, Sharon told him everything. She expressed her doubts of having the surgery, her troubles with accepting the new heart, and her concerns of the unknowable future. Andy listened to every word and never interrupted her. Occasionally he ran a thumb across her cheek or a hand through her hair, which only encouraged Sharon to divulge further into her darkest thoughts. When she came to an end, Sharon felt something almost unfamiliar; relief.
Andy broke his silence to reassure her that he would always be there for her, always listen to her and do whatever he could, because he loved her. His words reminded Sharon that there was a reason for her to be here. She not only remembered that she was loved, but that she loved her family as well. Sharon repeated the words back to him, then thanked him for listening. They maneuvered back to their original positions, but Sharon could feel Andy holding onto her a bit more tightly than before. It would be quite a while for Sharon to come to terms with herself and her new heart, but with Andy next to her, and through time, she would heal.