One year.
Three hundred and sixty-five days.
God I miss her so much. Her grey eyes and pale face. Black hair with bright colours all through. That black dress…
How could I let it happen? All the warning signs were there and I skipped them all.
Why won't she come back?
"Dude, you've gotta get over it. You're 22 and haven't had a girlfriend for a whole year! You haven't even tried to get one!" Meet Andrew, my best friend since kindergarten. He thinks of himself as a ladies man. He's not. He was also your "typical" Aussie. Lots of slang and sayings some people just wouldn't get.
"And you know exactly why. I just can't stop thinking about her. Every morning, every night. Every second of every day, she's all I think about. It's been a year and she's still on my mind all the time! I don't know what to do!"
"You could try writing a letter to her or poem or something…"
"Dude, she's dead."
"I don't mean try sending it to her, but write something directed to her. You can keep it or get rid of it or whatever afterwards, but I've heard that it works."
"Yeah from who? The bartender?"
"Oi, leave Ronnie alone. He's a pretty smart guy!" He also tries to be friends with everybody. It doesn't always work.
"Well…I guess I can try…"
Dear Loretta,
Why?
"Uh…" I scratched my head and tried to think of something to write, but the words just weren't coming.
I miss you.
"Come back? … No. That's not right. Ugh, this isn't working! I give up!" I scrunched up the 28th letter and threw it in the bin. Just then my phone rang and I answered.
"Hello? Oh hey mate. It didn't work. What else can I try? … … … Alright, I guess. Thanks, seeya."
One year has passed and still you're goneI
thought by now you would come home…
I
sat and twiddled my thumbs, staring at the paper for over an hour.
"What next? This is too hard! Poetry is not my thing. Time for a break." I packed up the beginning of my poem and headed outside. Another hour later and I was there. Her grave.
The only place I felt at home since she left. With her near me nothing else mattered.
I grabbed the shovel I had dragged along with me and started digging. I needed to see her one last time. To have her here beside me, cold but close.
I know it's gross, and the strangest thing I will ever do while I'm alive, but I had to. I reached the coffin and opened it slowly.
Her corpse lay still, somehow beautifully preserved. I couldn't help but hug her.
That black dress…
It clung to her rotting, lifeless body.
I needed it.
I pulled it off her dead body and folded it up before closing the coffin and beginning the walk home.
That black dress…
I had it again and would never let it leave me now. Finally! The one thing that always had me thinking of her.
That black dress…
I'd given it to her hours before she died. We were going out for her twenty-first birthday and I wanted her to feel like the most gorgeous girl in the room in everybody's eyes, not just my own.
That black dress…
Short, cocktail length. V-neck with the purple ribbon just under her bust. Halter neck with the low back. She looked beautiful.
That black dress…
The one she died in.
That black dress…
The one she was buried in.
That black dress…
The one I held in my hands.
That black dress…
Back at the house I walked into her room. Everything was exactly where it had been the night of her twenty-first. The sheets lay creased over the bed, and her desk was covered in make up, stationery and notes from friends.
In my hands I held the dress.
That black dress…
"Andrew! I figured it out! I'll write a song, I think I can do that."
"On ya mate! I knew ya'd work it out soon enough. Now get to work!" I placed my phone on the desk and reached for the paper and pen I had put away earlier. It wasn't long before I had an idea and began writing.
The whole time I had one thing on my mind.
That black dress…
"Come on man, let me hear it!"
"But… I dunno…"
"You know you want to!" No. I know that if I don't agree you won't shut up for the next month or so.
"Well…I guess."
"I knew you'd do it! Your room?" I nodded and walked past him to pick up my guitar and continue to my room. Andrew sat on my bed and I turned my desk chair around and placed the music on the ground in front of me. I watched the page for a minute, unsure as to whether this was the right thing to do. "Come on mate, she'll be right."
My hands cradled Black Pearl, my guitar and I started strumming the opening chords.
I dug you up this morning and took you home
Andrew looked at me strangely, using his eyes to question whether I'd actually done it or not.
To have you here beside me, cold but close
I made my mind up last night, that heaven just can't have you
I made you breakfast but you would not eat
So I took your black dress off and washed you clean
In the corner of my room I saw her dress hanging on a coat hanger, freshly washed. Andrew noticed and gave me another questioning look.
I made my mind up last night, that heaven just can't have youI paused and wiped the tears from my eyes before I continued. I didn't want Andrew to see me cry.
The sheets are creased from your last dayA silhouette of where you lay
They'll find your headstone in the yard, with your black dress and my guitar
I'll carry you back to your grave
Where you and I will always stay
I close the casket it gets dark, they'll find us in each other's arms
Yet another questioning look from Andrew, but I knew I'd be better off finishing the song to calm myself down before he started asking questions.
Who would? Who would?The final lines repeated a number of times before I played the final chords. The room was silent and Andrew just stared at me, not knowing what to say.
"That… that was great mate…Look, I'll leave you alone for a while, just call me later." He stood up and walked out of my room. I didn't move myself until I heard the front door close.
I took the dress off the hanger and carried it outside with my guitar. An hour later and I was home. I placed that black dress next to the headstone then sat on her coffin, guitar in hand.
"I wrote this for you. I hope you like it." I started playing the song and could feel her presence there with me. So many thoughts were running through my head, but the most prominent…where you and I will always stay
I finished the song, placed my guitar next to that black dress and lay in the coffin beside her then closed the lid.
I don't think anyone heard the gun shot, I was miles from anywhere. At least I hope they didn't. It gives us more time alone. I'll never have to miss her again.