Even as an adult, Soubi did not like sleeping. Some days he'd lay in bed, looking up at the stark white, boring ceiling, and not think a single thought. He didn't like the bliss of sleep, for when he shut his eyes and let the natural force take him, he was swept into worlds of horrible things. In his dreams, there was beauty. Always. He saw beautiful things ruined, destroyed, tainted. Sometimes in these worlds of horrible things, he'd relive past memories and occurrences. Other times his mind would swirl and swallow up all that was good and produce new scenarios, all equally or more dark than the last. He wasn't sure which he hated more-the former or the latter.
Once he had gone to the doctor to address his sleeping problems. Occasionally, Soubi would fall asleep without knowing it or would do so at random times. And during the nights, it would be hard for him to go to sleep. He was given a diagnosis of Narcolepsy, though mild. However, Soubi doubted the doctor's words. He always believed that the dreams that haunted him and his falling asleep at random intervals was punishment for his past and the events in it. It wasn't a medical condition. To him, it was what he got. What goes around comes around, after all.
Soubi received his diagnosis of being narcoleptic a couple months after meeting Ritsuka. He attempted to cure this himself by trying to be happier and not think about the past so much. This worked for a little while, and he came to the conclusion that, because the doctor he saw simply diagnosed him after hearing the symptoms, the diagnosis was not certain. This was a correct assumption, since his trying to be happier had worked. Narcolepsy is an imbalance in the brain, and is not caused by psychological factors.
Therefore, it puzzled him. After what happened at Seven Voices, everything got worse. Soubi was living in constant fear of Seimei. His dreams worsened. Every time he closed his eyes, havoc would wreak in his mind and he'd wake up thinking all that had been real. He dreamed of Seimei returning, coming back to finish Soubi off and to punish him for growing close to Ritsuka. For the first time in his life, the thought of death terrified him. He had always accepted the fact that he was going to die young. It had never surprised him. But, suddenly, he didn't want to. He wasn't done here. He could do so much more.
But why did it matter when his only purpose was to serve a man he was terrified of? It didn't. He'd never have another purpose. Wanting to graduate from university, wanting to be an artist, wanted to make something of himself-none of that was any more than frivolous wishing. Nothing mattered. Not a thing he did mattered. He didn't matter, not to Ritsuka, not to Seimei, not to anyone. In the end, all those memories would fade. No one would miss him. No one would remember him. What was the point, anyway?
And so, Soubi's sleeping became more erratic. He would sleep nearly all day, and sometimes all night. This went on for a few months. When he returned to the doctor to tell him of this strange change, the doctor admitted he had apparently misdiagnosed Soubi. Something else was wrong. He recommended him to a psychologist. Soubi simply tore up the order for him to visit one. He wouldn't get help. He didn't need it. He was depressed. He had been for a while. But no one could help him. No one could change the fact that he would end up amounting to nothing.
But then there was Ritsuka. Sometimes, Ritsuka would let Soubi sleep with him, especially once he noticed Soubi's odd sleeping patterns. It happened suddenly-one night Soubi had Ritsuka tugging at his sleeve and asking if he could stay over, telling him that it might help, because sleeping with someone he cared about would be much better than sleeping alone. He had also commented that sleeping alone was the loneliest thing in the world. Soubi was willing to try this.
It was odd for him. Ritsuka seemed perfectly okay with it, even with Soubi holding him. And that night, when Soubi fell asleep with his face buried in Ritsuka's hair, he had no dreams at all.
And suddenly, everything was better.
Something I wrote for my rp blog to make up for all my screwing around today. I figured I could publish it here, too.