A/N: My first attempt at a Lemon continuous fanfic, please go easy on me, it's a little dark and Bella got from slightly depressed in the beginning to flat out suicidal towards the middle/end.
I'm not sure what happened she just ended up that way, don't murder me since this chapter is a total buzz kill. She will eventually become more chipper :)
Well as chipper a character such as Bella can get :D
Sorry about the dreadful spelling and grammar I am pretty bad at finding stuff like that and haven't gotten round to getting a BETA. If anyone is interesting PM me :D
Playlist for chapter: Fix you (Coldpay), Free Fallin' (John Mayer) -preferably the live at the nokia theater version, Only Hope (Switchfoot).
(You can play all these for free if you download spotify a really great software for PC's or Mac's)
Oh and do you want Edward to be depressing, like Bella or him to be happy go lucky type? PM me or mention in reviews :)
(Oh and I usually don't include songs in the chapter, just a one-off sorry if you find it annoying.)
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or it's characters. All down to the genius wonder that is Stephanie Meyer.
xx
BPOV
Ch.1 Fix You
My first ever dream since my parents died was a complete re-enactment of the events leading up to their last moments. Their screams, pleas, and shocked faces. Every detail etched into my mind, I cannot escape this intolerable imprisonment of my own mind. I know exactly what happened, I hear the whispers but I block it out. The dreams I cannot. So I don't, I do not sleep, I can but I don't anyone is my situation would choose to.
I actually joke with myself that I am a voluntary insomniac. That's to problem, I joke with myself. How sad is it that I don't have a single friend? Not one. It's my own fault really, Angela tried but I didn't deserve her friendship. My parents died because of me. Not only did they die because of me, I am alive because of them. Me in front of them. My mother saved me. I killed her. My life for her's right? Wrong. Never again will I get close enough to a person for something like that to happen again.
But of course well enough couldn't be simply left alone could it. I am moving to Forks, this plane was going to land and I was going to live will my mother's sister Esme until my high school years end. Brilliant. Exactly what I needed in fact. Sarcasm really does not become me.
Don't misjudge, I adore Esme and my cousins Emmett and Alice are great, but I know what they are trying to do, bring me back out of my shell. Get me to civilize with others. Basically everything I promise myself to never d again. It simply hurts too much and I cant be hurt like that ever again.
I will not damn someone's else's existence too. I am the cause of two deaths already, I simply can't be the cause of anymore. Alice and Emmett will have to accept that I will not interact with them. Esme will be more difficult, she was always such a great mother figure to me and I know she has a plan in her mind of how she is going to help me through this. But the truth is she can't.
I am completely broken and will forever be alone for my own good, and everyone else's. I just hope that she will respect that. I doubt it.
My resolve will eventually thin as I can see how much it will hurt her, but I will be damned that this cannot happen. I need to be able to be strong and stay away from people. Especially Esme.
The hardest part will be boys, knowing Alice she is convinced that I am in desperate need of a boyfriend, some sort of fulfillment I guess. Whatever, wasn't happening, not only do I not do boys, but boys in forks? As if.
For the last few months Alice had been droning on about Jasper. This cut guy in her English class that she cant get the nerve to talk to. Every night she will call and I will learn about what he was wearing, how his hair fell into place, exactly how his cough or laugh sounded. I swear I knew more about that boy than I did about myself and I hadn't even met him.
The great thing about Alice is that she doesn't expect you to talk, all I had to do was listen to her babble on the phone for an hour and hmm and ahh in the right places. The truth was is that I enjoyed or conversations, I liked having a girl to talk to, that was partly why I was so shit scared of going to forks. What if I hurt her? What if she died and left me too? It would be too much for me to handle, that hour on the phone everyday helped me pull through my darkest hours, I had come dangerously close to following my parents but Alice's voice in my mind always pulled me through. "It will get better Bella"
The only time we had ever spoken of my parents death she spoke those words. Probably the most comforting words I had ever heard. And she was right, it will get better. But I wont. The deed is done and I can't take back the actions that lead up to that night. But I can prevent anything like it ever happening ever again, that's why I have to be totally recluse from everybody in forks. Be the new town freak if you will. Whatever to get them to stay away from me.
It didn't matter as long as no-one got too close. My parents didn't deserve to die. They didn't deserve any of this, I didn't deserve them. I don't deserve to live. Yet here I am.
Listening to my own thoughts I sound like such a fucking emo. You know those losers who sing about slitting their wrists and then have a fringe which covers about 99% of their face. But that's not me. This exterior is so fake it makes me sick, how can I act the total opposite to my true personality? I don't understand. But then that's the really sad part. I don't even understand myself, how can I expect others too? So that's it. I don't.
Fuck the world, fuck Forks. Lets get high school over and done with and then I can bury myself in a dark apartment only to come our for necessities. That's exactly how I expect my life to go. Just another year and 7 months until I can say a hearty goodbye to my shit arse life.
Just 365 days and another 215 to go. That's all. I can so do it. But Alice and Esme will be totally heartbroken. I am so close to them both, or at least I was. I don't know if I can ignore the way I know I have to.
That will be the hardest part, but after two weeks or so, they'll learn to leave me to my own devices... I hope.
"Ladies and gentlemen please refasten your seat belts we will be landing in Seattle Airport shortly, we hope you have had a pleasant journey with us."
Oh Jesus. Here we go. Forks, brilliant rainy Forks, why my aunt and cousins live there is beyond me. At least it's quite, less people to ignore I guess. But I will probably stick out like a sore thumb. Owell no or never I guess.
Closing my eyes I drifted into a day dream, trying to imagine what the school will be like, how difficult people will be to ignore. How sad is that, instead of wondering if they'll like me I worry about whether or not I can avoid them successfully. Pitiful. Fucking pitiful.
My ears started burning which I took as a sure sign that we were landing. Flicking off my ipod I sat completely still waiting for impact on the hard Seattle ground. Life was going to get very interesting...
----
I calmly pulled myself out from my seat, savoring the last moments of freedom until the Forks torture began. Smiling shyly to the flight attendant I walked briskly out of the stuffy aeroplane relishing and the hot muggy air. In comparison to the stuffy unclean smelling scent that had enveloped me in for the past six hours.
Breathing deeply I rushed through passport control and walked briskly toward baggage handling to collect my two suitcases, full of books and my limited closet. After several attempts I hauled the bags off of the revolving circle and sluggishly dragged them through the gates onto the other side where families were waiting excitably for loved ones.
The smiles made my heart ache but before I could put my poker face back on I was attacked by a tiny body which mauled themselves onto me. Immediately I cringed memories flooding back and I noticeably stiffened. Trying to regain composure I turned slightly and gave Alice a small smile. Her grin widened and her hold tightened.
I was getting extremely uncomfortable by this close contact and really wanted to tell her to get the fuck off me, but I couldn't do that too her. We were always so close. After another shockingly strong squeeze she released me from her death hold. Finally able to breathe freely I smiled the first genuine smile in almost a year. Uh-oh.. this was going to be a lot harder then I thought. Alice, unintentionally was already making me open up.
I was in such uncharted water that I had to be extra careful. Poker face Bella. Keep it blank. Emmett stepped up next with a grin to rival Alice's. Instead of attacking me however he settled with simply ruffling my hair and giving me a one armed hug.
Phew. I thought Emmett would be much worse, Esme stayed back with a dangerous scowl on her face. At first I was shocked but then I noticed that she was not looking at me at all but Alice. She must have warned them. Owell. She turned her attention back to me and gave me a warm smile before puling me into a very light short hug. Pangs erupted through my chest. It just felt so... motherly.
I forced a smile and Esme broke the silence, "Well Bella lets get you home to Forks, unfortunately you have to start school tomorrow." Noticed my grimace she patted my shoulder lightly and let a sympathetic smile brush across her face, "I'm sorry Bella but the school insisted."
In response I simply nodded and looked down, unsure of an appropriate response. We stood there slightly awkwardly for a few moments until Alice took lead and linked my arm through hers, pulling me along towards the exit and into the car park.
My eyes almost bogged out of my head once I saw her stop in front of a lemon yellow Porsche 911 turbo. I know absolutely nothing about cars, but even me- the car retard knew about this car. Car? Pshh it was so fast past that loose label. This was a force of utter amazing-ness compressed into a beautiful metallic creation.
Wow. I have never gotten all poetic over a stupid car. Alice giggled lightly as she noticed my expression, "It was my 17th birthday present, your free to borrow any of our cars but I think Mom will get you one soon enough." Smiling slightly I murmured to myself frustrated. Whilst Alice got a car for her birthday, I got the death news from a doctor. How depressing.
Again with the emo shit Bella. Pull yourself together. I can practically see the thunderstorm that is crouching over my head, of course now that we were in Seattle and going to Forks everyone is have a literal thunderstorm over their heads. Oh the joy.
Sunshine. Probably what I will miss most about Arizona, but maybe in forks I should play up the whole emo thing and pretend the rain is what I love. It is party true I guess, I can make myself totally depressing and thrive under the wetness of Forks.
Alice pushed me into the car whilst she took place in the front seat next to Esme. Not wanting any conversation to begin I immediately closed my eyes and feigned sleep, this was good, meant I didn't have to explain why I wouldn't sleep later that night.. or the next night.. or the night after that.
This is going to be the hardest year of my life. I can just tell, what is it that made me deserve this shit life. Talk about self pity but seriously? I mean, I am not a bad person, I'm not exactly a saint but I have been pretty good the last seventeen years, why was it me who had this shit happen to her? God, this was definitely something I had to work on, having internal conversations with myself is surely not healthy.
I wasn't sure how long we had been driving, but I had been replaying lyrics in my mind over the past few hours to keep myself awake. I did not need an episode to occur with Esme, Emmett and Alice around. They would probably send me to therapy or something. Been there, done that. And fuck the experience was such a fucking waste of time. No offense to my mother and her profession but could shrinks be any less helpful?
I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard Alice's door open and everyone began getting out. Home sweet home eh. Playing up the facade I stretched and yawned before fluttering my eyes open slowly to delay to inevitable. Emmett grinned at me and pulled me out of the before releasing his hold on my suddenly.
I was actually pretty grateful that so far, apart from the incident with Alice they were respecting my personal space. Alice didn't link arms with me this time she just inclined her head my way signifying that I should follow her. Feeling like a puppy I scurried behind her, careful not to trip in my hurry.
We walked up the gravelly pathway past a small fountain and shrubs shaped and cut into curious shapes. I had to stifle my laughter, Esme was so through she loved house work so much. Her and Renee were such antagonistic pairs that were perfectly suited for eachother. My mother, scatter brained and content with living life as it came and Esme, caring and through everything very welll planned out. Her organization skills impeccable.
Glancing at house I was shocked by the sheer size, gallantly standing tall and proud, almost intimidating. But then again everything is intimidating to me now. Alice noticed my apprehensions and against my liking linked her arm through mine once again. "Common Bella! I can't wait to show you your new room, me and Esme designed it and everything!" Esme and I you mean.. rolling my eyes at myself and stupid inner commentary I smiled weakly at Alice before muttering a quick, "Cool." Eloquent stuff right there..
Grinning at my weak response she pulled me forward and yanked the front door open. Shocked didn't even cut what I felt, "Holy shit Esme you've done loads to the place!" Esme smiled at the compliment but was obviously put off by my cursing.
Emmett simply started whinging, "Ugh Mom! How come she can swear but I cannnn't!" Esme scowled before raising her voice slightly, "Emmett Cullen. Stop that this instant." Looking beaten Emmett shrunk down, "Sorry mom." Feeling a pang in my chest at there parent child like encounter I shut my eyes trying to be rid of my last memories of my parents. Those hateful words. I can't ever take them back.
A small tear was threatening to escape so I cleared my throat loudly bringing Esme's attention back to me. "Oh Bella darling let me show you to your room and then you can get settled in. Carlisle will be home early tonight and we are having dinner with one of his colleagues and his wife and son. I hope that's ok?" Nodding I let my hair fall in front of my face trying to hide my crestfallen expression.
Esme led me up two flights of stairs until we reached a secluded hallway away from the others. She smiled at me kindly, "I thought you might appreciate your privacy, there is a bathroom and large bedroom and balcony. Bella I know this is really hard for you but please know that we are all here for you okay?" Nodding I whispered a taut thanks before surprising myself and pulling her into a hug. STOP IT BELLA.
Shaking I dropped backwards avoiding her eye whilst she busied herself and opened the door to my new recluse or sanctuary is you will. She left me to my own devices then patted my hand and left still standing in the hallway knowing that I would rather explore the room alone. Again my heart pained, she knew me so well. Was so motherly and did exactly the right thing. I didn't deserve her at all.
Sighing I walked into the room trying to find a purpose for myself. It was beautiful the colors a deep teal blue, my favorite. The curtains a creamy while laying thickly against the pane. The bed a huge double right in the center against the back wall which was all glass. The room was so free and open. Everything I was not. My books which I had shipped a week ago were already standing proud in the mahogany shelves.
And the closet was huge. Double doors. Obviously suggesting it's sheer size. Groaning I walked forward and swung the doors open. Like a plaster, just rip it off.. the pain is less that way. Jesus. Fucking Alice. The closet is bigger that the room! And fully stacked. I would kill her but I have to stop showing emotions. I. Can. Not. Get. Attached.
Sighing I shut closet quickly and tried to forget what was behind the offending doors. Stupid Alice. I would probably end up hating all the clothes.. pink. How much would I bet that about 80% of the clothes are pink... with frills... and bows. Mayeb a few flowers in the mix. So not me. So not Bella.
Bella. I can't be Bella anymore. Ha. What is in a name? By another name a rose would smell as sweet. Juliet was full of shit. A name is important. I can't pretend to be anyone but who I am. I can hide. I can run, but I will never be rid of this guilt. Extreme, agonizing guilt.
How selfish could I have been. How could I say those things. How could I? How? I will never be able to take it back. Never be able to mourn properly because the last words I spoke was "I hate you." How could I say that? Why would I say that. Hate. Such a strong emotion I didn't hate my parents. Sure I was pissed and their death doesn't change that, but hate? Really. How fucked up can one teenager be.
I hate myself. That is no stretch. I do not deserve Esme's kindness, Emmett's warmth or Alice's friendship. None of it. I deserved what happened to my parents but they do not deserve what happened to them. It was my fault. I will have to live with their death on my shoulders until the day I die. And then even then I will be unable to rest in piece. I do not deserve love. Happiness. None of it.
How long until I cause somebody else's demise? How long until I result in another death. How long until anyone I have ever loved is ripped from the world. How long? I wanted to collapse. I wanted to sleep. But even in rest I had no salvation. My 'restful' sleep was plagued with images of my parents. If I had just accepted what my father was saying.. if I had just not thought about myself for more than 2 seconds I would have realized.
Life doesn't revolve around Bella. Bella isn't the center of the fricken universe. My problems aren't everybody else's. And yet even know I am throwing my problems on Esme, Emmet and Alice. I just can't leave people the fuck alone. There is so self pity anymore. Just self loathsome. And even that is pitiful. I am so far gone I don't even know who I am anymore.
I can't be Bella. I can't be Isabella and I certainly can't be me. Who the fuck am I? My mother saved me, but who did she save. I am simply a shell of what I was before. In a comatose state. Yet I am awake. Nothing makes sense. You live you breath you die. Call me depressing but what am I living for. The only reason I am still living is because then I am trashing my ultimate gift. My mother saved me. Me. I refuse to trash her memory by taking my own life.
There is nothing else tying me to the planet. I am like a trapped cloud. Unable to rain down on everyone else. Just sitting there. Waiting. How long until combust. Tearing everyone else down with me. How long until this life becomes to unbearable to live. How long until I can't ask myself how long because I have reached that life turning moment. How FUCKING LONG.
I needed to change. Let go of this cloud hanging over me. I noticed the guitar in the corner. Frustrated I stormed towards it. I hadn't played since that day. I couldn't during the funeral my fingers simply wouldn't move. Sudden inspiration. I needed this. I needed to let go. I had to.
Grabbing the guitar I threw my self on the bed and strummed the first few bars of the song that reminded me so much of myself. All I needed was someone to fix me. I opened my mouth determined to do it. And then it came so naturally I had forgotten where it went.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Exactly where I was. Stuck in reverse, not anymore. This was it. Trying to go back to old Bella? No. But I will try to let my family in. I will probably fail miserably but who cares. The first step is admitting you have a problem.. right? Well here's mine.
I can't talk to people because I am afraid of losing them. I can't admit to anyone what I did because I am so ashamed. I couldn't play at the funeral because I was so catatonic and I couldn't visit their graves because the tears would have drowned me.
And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Tears haven't plagued my face because I don't deserve the comfort they bring. And losing something you can't replace? Well that's pretty obvious. Sure I could replace my parents with foster carers or even Esme but I could never replace them. And yes it could be worse. Much much worse. It didn't go to waste because my parents died believing that I hated them.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
That's what I need. Someone to guide me back to who I was and then lastly, someone to fix me. This year has been agonizing, I don't think I can go through this again, what will it be twenty years until I can even think about forgiving myself. How can I expect anyone to be able to find it within themselves to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Love. The hardest concept of this all. I may be able to let Alice, Emmett and Esme in but I cannot fall in love. My heart doesn't have the capacity. I am obviously a cold hearted bitch, capable of hating the people who were closest to her. I need to let go- desperately.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Bones, exactly what I used to compare myself to. A skeleton of bare bones, skin hung loosely, weight dangerously low. My heart just not in the concept of living, doing so only out of obligation to my parents. My mother's sacrifice. Until the end she was the best, most caring person and that's what killed her. Not my words or the car, but me. I am lost.. so lost.
This is what I so desperately need. a light to guide me home, and a person- capable of trying.. to fix me. That's what it comes down, I can't do it by myself anymore, I need a companion, somebody to confide in because this life of nothingness is slowly killing me. I'm not sure if I really could ever fix myself.
I'm gonna steer clear because I'll die if I ever think about it to much. My parents didn't deserve any of this. But I can't regret any longer, I have plunged myself so deep into a pool of regret that I don't even know which way is up anymore. My concept of gravity, skewed. My concept of life, fucked.
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Only whilst singing these words did I realize that yes. Tears were streaming down my face. It didn't matter that I didn't deserve the salvation they brought me, I enjoyed the feeling of being some what human again. Somebody who could feel. Somebody who could experience something more than utter sadness all the time. Somebody who deserved to live.
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Powerful tears, that had been kept so ferociously within. I had refused to set them free. No more.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
This was everything now. Turn it around Bella. Make it happen. Help yourself, and trust that you deserve more than what has happened to you. Just try. "The only feeling that you do not deserve are those that are true." I never understood what my mother meant, but now it is crystal clear. The truth hurts. A devastating truth. I cannot even begin to describe how much the truth hurts.
My pain fills a lake however my suffering fills all the world's ocean and spills over some to. I feel so much that it numbs. Numbs everything that I am not even sure what I feel anymore. It's just like when something is so cold it becomes hot. It gives you that tingly feeling which you become confused by, after all how can something be hot and cold all at the same time? Surely it doesn't make sense.
I learnt that it isn't hot. It's just so numbing that a person feel the need to explain their feelings. and again there feelings just aren't eloquent enough to be expressed. So their feeling are compressed, into nothingness until tragedy occurs and you simply can't ignore the numbing feeling any longer because it become so sharply defined that it is no longer numbing but consuming.
It is no longer shielding you from pain but making to run to it face first. Then eventually the numbness dies away and what you left with a shell of what you formally were. The pain and the numbness never leaves it just takes a vacation until the pain becomes unbearable once again and you have to hide away. But of course just like before. I can hide. I can run, but I will never be rid of this guilt. Extreme, agonizing guilt.
That's what it comes down to, not compassion but guilt. All of my life I have known that this life would be unpredictable and unfair, but there is life being unfair and then the most unjust consequences that I could imagine. All I want is to be free. Free from all of these feelings. In the words of John Mayer, "Free falling" That's exactly what I want.
To free fall into the unknown. Considering the place I am at the concept should be a lot less inviting but the sheer idea of it makes my body prickle in excitement.
Okay. So I have gone from being sure that I needed to flat out ignore Alice, Emmet and Esme to trying. See this is what spending 20 minutes with that perfect family in a car will do to you. Huffing I grabbed my rucksack and withdrew my trusty ipod out of the front pocket. Scanning I immediately went to my gym playlist and played John Mayer. Procrastinating over his words in the song Free Fallin', beautiful shit it was. His voice was so captivating but I knew that it had grown on me.
A year ago I had thought his music was pretty shit. Of course music had become steadily more important to me and now I pretty much always had ear buds stuck in my ears. I hummed along singing lines from the chorus, I glanced around the room and almost died of happiness. A treadmill. Thank fuck. Running over I felt complete and I flicked the buttons until the speed went right up the 20. A sprint, exactly what I needed.
I changed the song to Only Hope by Switchfoot, that remake of Mandy Moore's song. Surprisingly sh has a very good voice. I don't like the whole pop culture shit that she was linked to but her voice was great. I preferred the Switchfoot version. More gravely. Real. Less retouched. I actually felt the emotion, whereas Moore's version was glossed over so that the beauty of her voice was disguised by over processed airbrushing.
Plus I am much more of an indie girl anyway, that raw emotion that is projected through some artists in unfathomable. Music is lethargic, that's part of it's charm and danger. I sleep for 45 minute intervals throughout the night. That way I can't dream, it's restless though, I don't awake feeling rejuvenated or refreshed only more tired than before. But it stops me from collapsing into sleep at school or at other points in the
It had happened once, at school and people looked at me weird for days. I would too, I mean I woke up screaming in a biology class for God's sake. If anything they went easy on me. I expected to be made fun of, or harassed but people respected me and left me alone. It was nice and I appreciated it.
Though that didn't mean they didn't look at me funny. They just did. Not intentionally, just side-long glances or questioning looks that just screamed, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
They all knew. Or at least they thought they did. They didn't feel my guilt. Witness my pain or think about my feelings. All they saw was the after affects, all the sympathy they could conjure up was along the lines of, "OMG her parents are dead that's so sad." It was more of a competition of who could be friends with the freak. Angela was the only one who really tried, and of course I fucked that up royally.
The part I hate most is that even now that I know I did something wrong I still can't go and visit their graves. I still can't say I am fully repentant because I can't even apologize to who it matters most. Them. I just say it over and over in my head, hoping that they know. I run away from my problems. Even now. I ran away from Phoenix, I am running on this treadmill and I was going to run away and hide from Esme, Alice and Emmett.
Running is such a pussy way of dealing with something. But it was my way. Not anymore. The running has to stop. Apart from the literal of course since that is about the only thing that clears my head. So yes I will run but stay put all at the same time.
Phew, if that made sense that congratulations to me. My legs ached. Screaming for relief, but I ran on. The pain and suffering numbing again. Numb. I need to numb this pain. Running as fast as possible I sped the treadmill up to it's maximum. Panting, chortling but surviving. Lyrics pulling me through.
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.
This was exactly what life was based on. Hope. Hope for something better. Hope that maybe I will wake up from this dreadful dream and be able to say sorry. Hope that maybe just maybe it will result in something better.
Hope. Something I lack of. Severely. Breathing deeply I switched the machine of in haste. Panting widely, trying to catch some form of breath. In and out. Out and in. Clutching my knees I staggered froward and grabbed the treadmills handle bars for support. Breathing, in and out. Finally after minutes of labored breath, my heart rate returned to a normal level.
Releasing my knees from the death clutch I had them I, I stood up straight and walked to the last door in the room. Swinging it open I was happily surprised to find a bathroom. Thank fuck. Sweat was in places I don't think sweat should be. My orange under tank top was completely saturated and I'm sure I smelt similarly to Emmett after one of his football games. Lovely.
Practically sprinting towards the shower cubical and past the bath I stripped of quickly, grimacing at the feeling of the hot, wet and moist clothing being discarded and peeled away from my body. Flicking on the shower I stepped in quickly marveling at the cold water and how it cascaded roughly against my body. Untying knots in my back, causing my skin to go a troubling red.
Turning the strength of the shower down slightly I relaxed against the wall of the cubicle, Loving the feeling of the cold tiles against my flushed skin. Breathing deeply I stood in the shower until I began shivering and I turned the heat right up. Steam filling the room making a cloudy dense atmosphere. I liked it, made me feel free and like I could just disappear.
This feeling was pure. I knew from that moment that something would get better. It was going to happen I could feel it. Sighing I stepped out of the shower and walked back into my new bedroom completely naked, enjoying the freedom that came with it. I was slightly self conscious though so I fished through my suitcase and fished out my midnight blue bra. It was quite nice, some lace and frills. I think Alice got it for me, that explains it.
Pulling the pants up and hooking the bra up I walked over to the offending closet and swung the doors open trying to find something practical. Glancing around I was pleasantly surprised, sure it was a little out of my comfort zone but the clothes were.. nice. They weren't as black as I was used to but definitely things I would consider wearing.
I pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans and a grey silky top. I shivered slightly and walked over to the far wall which has racks of cardigans. Pulling a deep red one out I pulled it on and was surprised by my reflection. I looked... pretty? No. I was just wearing something other than all black, that's all.
Walking back to the main room I pulled my suitcases towards the middle and begun sorting through my things, placing more books on shelves and my old clothes in the closet. After all my clothes were unpacked I glanced around, feeling strangely elated.
A new beginning, make of it what you will Bella. Sighing I closed me eyes standing perfectly still on the spot, procrastinating what school would be like tomorrow. How would people take to me? Would Alice and Emmett expect me to sit with them or will I go to the library as usual? This town is about a fraction of the size of Phoenix, there will be about 150 kids here. If that. Back at Phoenix I was one of 500 in my year.
Sighing I snapped my eyes open and tried to figure out what to do next. Shower, check. Dressed, check. Sleep... no we still have dinner. Read? Why not. I walked over to the bookshelves in a hope to find an easy read. No classics, I am way to tired. Laughing at the cover of a book which was surely Alice's I settled for "Confession's of A Shopaholic". It was actually pretty good, the first chapter was well written and I could see it's appeal.
I got so engrossed I didn't notice where the time had gone until Esme yelled up the stairs that Carlisle had just arrived as well as the guests. Sighing I shut the book closed and gave one glance back to my room. Smiling at the sight I walked down the stairs towards the kitchen where Esme no doubt was.
Surely enough the moment I stepped into the large kitchen there Esme was, tittering over a large set of granite counter tops. You know, the shiny kind that they usually show in adverts whilst talking about the perfect kitchen. This was Bella heaven. "Holy shit Esme! Is that a Cooker T3000!?" Esme smiled and nodded enthusiastically before grabbing the lid of whatever dish she had made.
"Yes Bella and you're free to use it whenever you like. Carlisle got it for me, my anniversary present." Her eyes glazed over and she got this lovey dovey look which formally I had presumed was reserved only for love sick teenagers. However I had witnessed Carlisle and Esme together and they were nothing short of the perfect couple. You know the ones that finish each other sentences, gaze at each other that no-one else is there and get so lost in each other that you constantly have to clear your throat to remind them that they are not the only ones in the room.
That love that normal people only dream of, rarely blessed with. That love that I read about. I love I wish someday I can even get a slight taste of. All the pain in the world is worth even a second of that kind of love. I will probably never experience anything close if the boys I have met so far are anything to go on.
Lost in my own little world I was a bit shocked when Esme tapped my arm in a loving way, "You alright Bells? Spaced out a bit there." Nodding I forced a smile and went to the cupboard to find a glass. After looking through two I found the right cupboard and took a mental note for future reference.
Filling the glass with water I was about to walk away when I glanced back, dying to help Esme. "Do you need any help? I am utterly bored." Smiling she nodded enthusiastically, "Of course my dear, Alice and Emmett never ask. Maybe we can have everything done on time. Would you mind chopping up the onions? I cry like a baby and haven't seen Carlisle in almost two days."
Smiling sympathetically I walked over to the chopping bpard and began cutting small slow strips, and then dicing them. My OCD nature came through and Esme started laughing, "I forgot you were OCD. I bet everything onion is exactly the same size." Blushing I hid my face behind my curtain of hair and gave a small side, "Yeah... probably." Esme patted my back and my chest roared. So motherly.
Esme picked up the chopped onions and threw them into a pan in which they started sizzling, mixed with onions and thin string beans I recognized the recipe. My mothers. Gulping I snatched my glass and relished as the cool freezing liquid traveled down my throat. Relief.
Again with having to gulp back my tears. I thought I had released enough today, apparently it's like the Atlantic is stored in my tear ducts. Esme rubbed my back, "I heard you singing earlier sweetheart, it was beautiful . I'm so glad you started again."
Smiling I leaned and gave her a tight hug, trying to express how much I felt for her. "Thank you Esme. For everything. You didn't have to do any of this, and I am so incredibly grateful. I am sorry in advance if I do something which makes you question that. I don't mean it, my heads just not really screwed on right at the moment." Giving her a sad smile she continued to rub my back humming a tune whilst we stood there.
I felt at home. I knew I wasn't even close to being better but it was a start, I actually felt a tinge of... happiness? A beeping reminded me of where we were and Esme and I pulled out of our hug and she smiled at me before giving me a light kiss on my forehead. "It will get better. Remember that Bella."
Nodding I turned my attention to the onions and string beans. They looked delicious and exactly as I remembered. The only thing my mother could cook. String beans. I fricken lived off them as a kid. Every meal was, chicken and string beans. Pasta... and cut up string beans. Pizza and.. you guessed it! String beans. The last thing we ate however was not string beans. That was the irony I guess, I always thought that my last dish would have some form of string beans but it didn't.
"Bella darling can you pass me that plate?" My head whipped up and I ruffled my hair trying to clear my head. "Mmmhhmm" Reaching forward I took the plate and help it in front of Esme who loaded the string beans onto it. I guess she wanted me to feel some familiarity, make this feel like home. The truth is, I feel more at home here than I ever did in Phoenix.
This was my home after all, for a good 12 years until we moved away. This was home, Esme didn't need to try so hard.
"Go put that in the dining room will you, and I'll get the chicken out, if they aren't already can you get Alice and Emmett down? They tend to get distracted." Smiling I set off for the dining room and put the plate down.
Noticing that I was the only one in the room I climbed the stairs to Alice's room and knocked lightly. "Come in!" Opening the door I noticed Alice was in a puddle of clothes. What the? "Alice what is all this?" She looked up with an exasperated glance. "Jasper's coming! Him and his brother. I have to impress him! I can't look like I do at school, he never looks at me for more than two seconds! What is wrong with me Bella!" Suppressing a giggle I walked over to Alice, dodging bundles of clothes and shoes.
"Alice, what are you talking about, your gorgeous! And you have the best fashion sense. Way better than me, way better than everyone. What's gotten into you? Who's this Jasper?" She sighed, clearly exasperated.
"Jasper. Jasper Masen or Whitlock. It depends, he goes to our school and is the most gorgeous, sweetest, most sensitive guy... but he just doesn't notice me. He doesn't even look at me. Edward his brother and Jasper are good friends with Emmett, Edward comes over all the time but Jasper never does. I just don't get it! He is adopted and doesn't really like attention much.. you know. I just don't understand why he won't give me the time of day!"
Nodding I was engrossed, this Jasper guy was an idiot. Alice was the kindest person I had ever met, she always included me in everything, listened to my worries and was there when I needed her. If he didn't notice her, then well, he must be blind.
Maybe she is going about this all wrong though..."Alice maybe you should wear something casual. Show a softer side of yourself. Nothing pink, maybe a band t-shirt or something." She looked at me with a speculative glance. "I like The Rocket Summer. I have a band t-shirt from their concert last year, that and jeans?" Nodding I smiled and wiped away a lone tear which had escaped from her eye.
"See no need for tears Alice, this is going to be great." Nodding she got up and ruffled through some drawers before revealing a pretty blue shaded top with "The Rocket Summer" blazed across the chest. It was cute and I was surprised by her music taste. "That's a great band by the way Ali." Smiling gave me a knowing glance, "It was on the playlist that you gave me last year. I loved it, I forgot to thank you after..." She trailed of looking uncomfortable.
Oh. Her birthday, exactly a day before mine. Exactly a day before my parents died. I forgot about that playlist. Smiling to cover the pain I threw a pair of jeans at her, "I will have to make you another, I found some great new music. Get dressed and go downstairs, I have to grab Emmett."
Smiling she waltzed towards her closet but before going in she turned around and gave me a thankful smile, "Thanks Bella."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding and smiled again before leaving her bedroom. Down the hall I walked toward Emmett's room staring enviously at all the family pictures, I was in some but most were of Emmett, Alice, Esme and Carlisle. The happiest family I have ever met. I am blessed to be related to them, truly. Jogging over to Emmett's room I noticed hard music playing and a bouncing like sound. Shrugging I knocked on the door hard.
"COME IN!" Chuckling I walked into Emmett's room and was once again shocked by it's state. Immaculately clean. Everything put away. Thanks fuck for that. "Emmet your room... it's clean!" Grinning he walked over and ruffled my hair, "Yeahh I know how OCD you are so I decided to clean it up, make it suitable for living in. Rose loves it clean." Rose?
Gathering my confused expression he launched into the wonderful story of how he and Rosalie met. "It was right in the middle of the lunch hall. She was new and I was running around like an idiot because the guys on the football team made me drink a packet of hot sauce. Was fucking JOKES until I ran straight into Rosalie. She gave me a right earful, screaming about how inconsiderate I was and all this stuff about how she hopes I treat other girls better. It would have been really funny if I wasn't scared shitless. Anyway, I told her I though she was totally gorgeous and I guess she thought I was kidding, or some kind of pussy because she asked me what I was gonna do about it. I Just grabbed her and kissed her, surprised the shit out of her. Anyway that was six months ago." Grinning like a idiot Emmett's eyes glazed over like Esme's had done earlier.
Jesus is everybody in love but me? For God sake! "That's great Emmett, don't fuck up.. I have a good feeling about her already." Grinning like the Cheshire cat Emmet gave me a small hug, "Thanks Bells, don't worry, I love her. Now all I gotta do is figure out how to tell her..."
Shrugging my shoulders I gave his a pat on the back, "Eh you'll figure it out, common we have to go downstairs for dinner. Who are these people coming tonight?" Emmet grinned, "My mates Edward and Jasper and their parents. Great pair, you'll love 'em. Just not Jasper because I know Alice has the hots for him."
Rolling my eyes I pushed him out the door and we walked in silence down the stairs. Comforting and just generally quite nice, this Rosalie seemed to be having a positive influence on the goof ball. Pulling me out of my thoughts was a light buzzing which I recognized to be my cell phone. Strange, I haven't had a call in about 4 months. Shrugging I decided to check it later and continued to follow Emmett.
Alice met us half way down the stairs and linked her arm through mine and attempted a skip whilst i walked quickly behind her, skipping+Bella=fatal accident. The A&E was not exactly where I wanted to spend my first night in Forks. Giggling at Alice's fun loving nature we made our way to the dining room and I was shocked by the perfect specimen that sat there, utterly gorgeous, you know the type.
Tousled hair, crooked grin, striking eyes- emerald, of course it would be an obscure color. And he was tall, lean... perfect, slightly chiseled.. just HOT! God I sounded just like every other immature teenage girl. I sounded like Michelle Prescott. The girl at my last school whose five favorite words were: Oh, My, God, Like and FABULOUS. Looks don't exactly bless you with a brain, she was proof of that. I'm sure this guy is just like the rest...
Shrugging my shoulders at my internal chatting, I focused long enough to realize I was looking like an idiot. I had the whole gaping fish look going. Not at all attractive, gathering my brain of the floor I snapped my mouth shut turned at Emmett who was uncharacteristically silent.
"Bella, this is Jasper Whitlock." He said pointing at a very attractive blonde, wow... I could definitely see the appeal for Alice. "And Edward Masen." Edward. Words cannot describe!
I smiled at them both shyly and Jasper said a chirpy 'hi' and clapped my back in a playful, I could tell we would get on. Edward simply glanced up and weakly smiled. Arrogant fuck. See they're all the same.
A/N I am so sorry for these ridiculously long authors notes, I am actually retarded I like to talk so much! Please please please review! I really want to know what you thought, I spent fricken days writing this, trying to get the flow right and developing the story slowly, this chapter was a build up for a grand plot which has been mapped out. The next chapter will be up next week, sorry it's not sooner but my grand-parents are coming over and I am being thrown out of my room, reflectively I will not have access to my mac for a week.... :/ not amused at all. HOW WILL I SURVIVE! :)This is just shy of 10,000 words, I'm sorry it's so long I just had a ridiculous amount to write about :o)
Please Review!! xx