Silent Solitude

By Gabs

Disclaimer: I own nobody. So leave me alone or I'll send the stalkers after you.

The rain beats a steady pattern on the roof of the house, pulsating in rhythm with the pounding of my heart. I feel like I've just run a marathon, or had the wind punched out of me. I may as well have.

But the fact of the matter is, I have just learned that the love of my life is gone, and I never truly knew her at all.

We've been together for four years now… how much of that was a lie? All the small things I came to associate with her happiness… were any of those real? Or were they all as fake as she was? I can see now that there were a million red flags thrown at me over those four years, and no matter how hard they hit me, I ignored them. Why was I so stupid? If I had only paid attention to my instincts, things might have been different. But instead, I allowed the odd occurrences to continue unchecked. It blows my mind, how stupid I was. How ignorant, how blind. There were so many signs… how did I miss them?

The one I remember most vividly took place on April 1, two years into our relationship. I stumbled out of bed at 9:00 that morning, only to see her come out of the bathroom, looking worried. I walked over and took her hand.

"What's wrong?" She looked at me for so long, it felt like it would never end. Finally, she spoke in a halting, detached voice.

"I think I'm pregnant." I was dumbstruck; what could I say? At first, I was shocked. How did this happen? We were always careful, always. But I immediately got over that, and moved on to elation. I was going to be a father. And this woman, this beautiful, amazing creature, was going to be a mother. We were going to become a true family. After I let it sink in, I looked back into her eyes, only to see laughter resounding in them. I blinked rapidly, not sure what to think.

"April Fools," she said softly. She gave me a hug and a quick kiss before disappearing down the hall. After staring after her for a moment, I fell into the bathroom, shutting the door tightly but silently before sinking to the ground. I closed my eyes, trying to block back the tears. That had been the happiest moment of my life, and it was a lie? That wasn't something she would do; that wasn't the woman I loved. It couldn't be.

I sat there for at least 20 minutes, battling the tears, the anger, the despair, and the depression. I couldn't believe she would do that to me. She knew I didn't like April Fools Day to begin with, and then to do something so cruel? I didn't know what to make of it. I finally stood up and started the shower. As the hot water cascaded down my body, my barriers finally crashed, and the tears fell. After only five minutes, she knocked on the door.

"Are you ok in there honey?"

"Fine," I managed in a semi-normal voice.

"Ok. Breakfast is almost ready."

"Fine," I repeated. I allowed my tears to disperse with the cleansing water of the shower, and stepped out a moment later. When I walked into the kitchen 10 minutes later, I had completely regained my composure. She looked up at me as I entered, and motioned to a plate on the table across from her.

"Your food is going to get cold," she noted. That wasn't the only thing that was cold, I thought. She never made a single mention of her little joke. No apology, no explanation, nothing. I never quite figured it out.

I should've known then. I should've been able to figure it out. If I had, I would have saved myself two additional years of heartache and betrayal. But I chose to overlook the obvious, and allow things to continue as they were. I kept my blinders on, and only now have they been so viciously ripped away.

These past few months, I've been slowly catching on. More accurately, I've been growing suspicious, but studiously ignoring my fears. Any idiot should have been able to realize what was going on. Any idiot but me. I didn't know what my suspicions meant- for all I believed, it was my overactive imagination. But had I taken the time to figure them out, the world wouldn't be falling apart around me right now.

The littlest things started to bother her. Why did I choose to use a spoon instead of a spork? After all, a spork would save time, she argued. I didn't particularly want to use a spork, especially when one considered that all I was eating was a bowl of ice cream. It wasn't logical. And yet, she grew angry, and wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

Over a spork. It just wasn't normal for anyone to get that worked up over a spork. I worried about it for a while, but finally decided to just forget about it and not tell anyone.

I think that was the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe if I had mentioned to someone how odd she'd been acting, somebody could have prevented the tragedy that was to come. But I kept my blinders on, and just ignored all the signs. I condemned myself to an eternity of silent solitude.

I should have been the one to die. If she had to kill someone, it should have been me. But instead, she took Jack Bristow's life, and the ripple effect is destroying everyone else.

A pair of CIA agents told me the truth today. They told me that the past four years have been a lie, all of it. They told me she was a lie, a monster, a traitor. They told me her deception had been uncovered, and she was killed while trying to escape. They told me to forget about her, to move on, to get over the pain. Do they honestly think I can just ignore the feeling of my heart being ripped from my chest?

Whoever that woman is, or was, she didn't just kill Jack Bristow. She didn't just wage war on the CIA and it's agents. Whoever she is, she also murdered Francie Calfo. She tore apart Sydney Bristow's life, and has caused immeasurable heartache to Michael Vaughn.

And with this gun I hold in my hand, she is about to kill Will Tippin.