By Cheeya
A scroll one day did Xena get
A parchment short and full of regret
Requesting for Xena to come straight away
To fight a warlord and keep him at bay
This warlord, Dick, was cruel and bad
He made the villagers he raided mad
He looted and hurt and pillaged and stole
From the people of Barcon while they hid in a hole...
Of a hideout they'd built some years before
Which was cold and leaking with a damp, mouldy floor.
Xena and Gab, on their horses, they rode
To try to stop Dick (the slimy toad).
Now Dick had information he didn't want to share
About a precious, powerful stone, but Xena didn't care.
She hunted him down with Gab at her side
The Battling Bard with cool, sharp sais.
With a loud, scary cry, Xena did leap
Right off her horse and onto the creep.
They rolled on the ground and kicked, punched and bit
Dick even tried to grab Xe by the t*t.
But she elbowed his jaw and said with despair
"You were just short of grabbing my hair!
A girly fighter is what you are.
What did you do? Leave your b*lls in a jar?"
Dick was not happy, in fact he was mad,
But he was a coward and wanted his Dad.
Gabrielle laughed and tied him up.
"Take that!" she teased. "You insolent pup!"
After twenty-five seconds of Xena's pinch,
Dick confessed all and called her a b*tch.
The warrior laughed and broke his bones
"You think that hurts me? Sticks and stones!"
Trussed up in jail, Dick rotted away
Wondering if Xena and Gab were gay.
But he never found out, because they weren't saying.
Despite the fact that the Xenites were praying.
With new information, our heroes did ride
To the location they were given (with directions on the side)
The Emerald of the Gods was the name of the prize
So big, green and shiny, you wouldn't believe your eyes.
But guarded, it was, by a big scary beast
Who wanted to use the girls as a feast.
Warrior and Bard (joined by the soul)
Went into a cave and climbed down a hole.
It was scary and dark and the passageway was small
But Gab, being short, had no trouble at all.
Xena, on the other hand, being so tall
Had to bend and crouch almost into a ball
The intrepid pair of Xena and Gab
Climbed over some rocks and a big, slippery slab.
But boots losing purchase sent them awry
Into the water they fell with a terrified cry
"Xena!" Gab cried. "I'm going to drown!
My sais are too heavy! They're dragging me down!"
"Gabrielle, hold on!" Xena yelled back.
"I'm going to throw you into that crack."
The crack was wide enough for one petite bard
So Xena grabbed her and threw her hard.
With a yell of glee, Gab flew through the air
And landed unhurt except for her hair
The shaggy, blonde locks got tossed in the flight
To smooth then down, she tried with Herculean might.
Xena laughed and caressed her cheek.
"You're crazy but I love you." She gave her butt a tweak.
Gabrielle grinned and kissed Xena's palm
Gazing into her eyes and giving them alms
The warrior touched her, plain as day
(And people refuse to acknowledge they're gay?)
"C'mon," Xena said. "We've a bit to go.
"And I don't like small spaces, as Missy would know."
"Ok," Gab replied. "Which way to the beast?
I know he's gonna try to make us his feast."
The Warrior Princess nodded, solemn as a healer.
"I think I'll go this way and put out my feelers.
My supernatural senses will tell us the way.
I bet you we have him by the end of today."
"You're wonderful, I know," Gab laughed with delight.
"But I bet you don't get him 'til almost first light."
But Xena pouted, her bottom lip poking out.
So our bard let her off and promised her trout.
"I like fish," Xena grinned and wiggled her brows.
"Oh really?" Gab asked. "Well I prefer cows."
"Beef tastes so much nicer and fills me up good.
Even if I'm not fond of the sight of its blood.
But, hey, I digress, we must find this beast.
That wants to use us for it's evening feast."
Xena drew her sword and twirled it in her hand.
(She'd developed her skill with her evil warrior band)
"This way," she said. "I really do think."
"Why?" Gab asked. Xena grimaced. "Because of the stink."
She led Gabrielle through the passageway long,
Trying not to think of the unmerciful pong.
After hours of caverns and hallways of stone,
Xena and Gab found lots of chewed up bone.
"We're on the right track," Gabrielle said.
But then some water dripped down on her head.
It was stained red with blood and smelled just as bad
As the beast waiting for them, curled up in his pad.
Gabrielle screamed and started to run
Xena's body reacted even though she was stunned.
"Gabrielle! Wait! It's not your blood!
Don't worry about it, we'll get you a hood!"
But Gab was distraught and kept running fast
Until she found herself in trouble at last.
For there in front of her, bold as brass
Was the beast she feared most, sitting on its a**
"Oh sh*t," she whispered, her hands shaking bad.
But suddenly Xena rushed into the pad.
"Gabrielle, don't move. That beast is a threat.
And look at your clothes. You got yourself wet."
Our bard blushed a bit and looked at the beast
That wanted to make them his end-of-day feast.
"I fell over," she said. "It's very close quarters.
I didn't know that this hole would be chock full of water."
Across the cave, the monster watched them well
With his three beady eyes, (boy this was hell).
Our Battling Bard and warrior waited.
To see what the Gods for them had fated.
But then Xena cried "I make my own fate!"
And was suddenly overcome with very strong hate.
She leapt into the air and flipped head-over-heels
And landed on rocks which were slippery as eels.
She caught her balance and drew her sword
(As she did that time she fought the Horde)
The beast bent in closer but made the mistake
Of thinking that Xe'd make a nice juicy steak.
Gabrielle ran around him and jumped on his tail
Xena stabbed him, he roared and started to flail.
Sais flashed, sword slashed, chakram flew through the air.
Warrior and Bard fought without a single care.
Three beady eyes rolled back in Beast's head
And three moments later, he'd fallen down dead.
Xena loudly ululated her glee,
Making bats fly around and causing a melee.
Gabrielle laughed and jumped up and down
But suddenly Xena started to frown.
"Something's not right." She strained her ears,
To try to detect what was causing her fears.
"Let's get the emerald and then let's bail.
I have no intentions of being impaled...
On the rocks that will shortly fall from the ceiling.
Gabrielle, I have a really bad feeling."
The bard nodded hard and grabbed her soulmate's hand
She ran for the gem, her boots slipping in sand.
They reached the stand and grabbed the prize
But then, right there, in front of their eyes
The rocks began to fall, blocking their route.
Trapped, they'd have no food, not even some fruit.
"Run for it!" Xena yelled. "We have to get out."
"I'm not dying in here. I want that trout!"
Gabrielle nodded. "Let's go together.
"I won't live without you. Our souls are tethered."
From Xena, a nod and a look filled with love
Made Gabrielle's heart soar like a dove.
She kissed Xena's cheek and then hugged her hard.
Xe whispered. "I love you, my beautiful bard."
Then, hand-in-hand, they ran like the clappers
With rocks falling around them, like big, nasty snappers.
With daylight in sight, they raced through the cave
That still could have ended up being their grave.
With a last mighty leap, they flipped and rolled through
Leaving nothing behind but the prints of their shoes
Xe and Gab laughed and lay back on the ground
Exhausted but happy and with both bodies sound.
"We made it," Gab panted. "We're both in one piece.
"Though adventures like this we'll one day have to cease."
Xe asked. "Am I getting too old for a life of danger?"
"No way," Gab replied. "We've been through stuff stranger.
We're going to be fine. It's another under our belt."
Xena nodded. "You're right. Just something I felt.
We've gotta get back. They're waiting with Dick.
I wouldn't mind another chance to give him a kick."
"Now Xena," Gab warned. "You've gotta be nice.
You're no longer a warlord. It's not your vice."
"I know," Xena sighed. "But sometimes it's funny.
To kick some a** along with my honey."
So onto their horses, our heroes did climb
And on the journey back, made excellent time.
They rode into town and quickly were met
By the villagers who were grateful and beginning to fret.
A party was arranged. They danced into the night.
Xena and Gab didn't have to fight
Over where they would sleep because they'd both decided
And in each other, about their love, they both confided.
They retired to a hut, alone and unhampered.
And Gabrielle made sure that Xena was pampered.
They ate strawberries and cream and drank plenty of mead
Which led to a more urgent and passionate need.
A few hours later, naked bodies entwined
They lay quietly and happily and wined and dined.
"I love you," Xena whispered. "Our souls are one.
And, hey, making love was incredible fun."
Gabrielle nodded quickly. "You're damn right it was.
But I think I'm gonna need some herbs and gauze.
The monster nicked me with the edge of his nail
And gave me a lash of his spiny tail."
"My poor little bard," Xena said with a wince.
"That's gotta hurt a lot. You want the pinch?"
"Please," Gabrielle replied and soon she was numb.
She didn't even feel it when Xena pinched her bum.
Ten minutes later, Gab was bandaged and happy.
And Xena, once again, became all sappy.
She tickled the bard and made her all giggly
Then lay her back down and made her all wiggly.
"GODS, XENA!" Gab yelled, louder and louder.
The strength of her cries made the warrior prouder.
"He he," she chuckled. "I've got you as I will.
You should know by now that I have many skills."
And as the darkness eased into light,
Our heroes had finally given up the fight.
They slept as one in each other's arms
They'd unknowingly fallen for each other's charms.
Love is stronger than any beast
That wanted to make them an end-of-day feast.
The Emerald of the Gods, which had plenty of power
Was locked well away in the King's highest tower.
Once again, Gabrielle and Xena saved the day
The Path of Friendship was the only way.
But then that friendship turned into love
Peace came to their hearts from somewhere up above.
So here ends my story, I hope you weren't bored
(Maybe you would have preferred to hear about the Horde)
Ha ha! It's too late. My story is told
About Xena and Gab, our warriors bold.
So come back and visit some time really soon.
In fact, come back again this time next moon.
I'm sure I'll have another tale to tell
I might even tell you the one where Xena fell...
Finally for our bard. It's one full of heart
And weaving a tale is a wonderful art.
Good Day, Come back soon, Before next fall
For another tale where love conquers all.
The End