Summary: some thoughts and mourning at the end of season 5

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Characters of the Buffyverse, they are all Joss Whedon's creations.

Warning: Character death, spoiler for end of season 5/beginning season 6

Please don't be too cruel with your reviews, english is not my native language and I did not have a beta for this. It's a translation of a little ficlet I wrote some years ago, which I re-vamped and expanded a bit in the process. Any CC welcome, as well as help with grammar and spelling

Thoughts

He was sitting on a tombstone, smoking, staring into the night. Slowly, he started to focus his thoughts again, the past days and nights since her death had been somewhat blurry, just passing by.

Why did she have to leave him and her friends?

Just because she couldn't allow her sister to die – she had to throw herself in the embrace of death!

Clenching his teeth, he hit his fist into the stone a few times, until his hand started to bleed. Staring at his hand in disbelief, as if he hadn't even noticed what he'd done, his facial expression was changing from anger to grief again.

He still couldn't believe it, she was gone – forever. He didn't even dare to think about her name, it caused too much pain. But he couldn't sit here forever and be lost in his thoughts. He just had to do something, or he would go insane. His expression turned from grief to thoughtfulness, there was even a slight hint of a smile on his face.

What she would have liked him to do?

He still loved her with all his heart, but didn't have a chance to prove his devotion to her, still he could not stop thinking about her. Surely, she would have loved someone to care for her little sister, someone to be there for her, comfort her, protect her from all those evil things that were plenty in this world.

So he decided to join her friends in the fight against evil, perhaps he could forget the pain her death had caused – at least during the fights against demons. There was nothing better then some fighting and killing to improve his mood. Even thinking about a good brawl brought a smirk on his lips.

But then, her image came to his mind again, how she had been falling down, her body crashing into the concrete, her life gone... Feeling the wetness on his cheeks, he realised that he was crying and anger started to rise in him again.

Now he was sitting here and crying like a baby! He couldn't allow himself to be driven by his feelings, he couldn't continue to live like that. 13 days had passed since she had left this world, but it wasn't going to be any better by sitting alone in the dark and whining.

Resolutely, he was getting to his feet, throwing the rest of his cigarette away. All he wanted now was to look for the Scoobies and fight at their side to finally have a purpose in his un-life again. He just had to help them against all those vampires and demons, for Buffy's sake.

Just a few minutes later, he walked into a fight between some vamps and the Scoobies and without hesitation he dusted Xander's opponent the moment before the boy got bitten. Feeling a lot better, Spike grinned, reached his hand to help his new ally to his feet and they finished the fight side by side.