Chasing Cars

I don't own Greys Anatomy, Private Practice or any of the characters, I just have fun with them. I also don't own any Snow Patrol songs.

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Addison knew that she was stupid; she had been told that several times over the past few months since she had gotten the invitation. How many people actually went to their ex-husbands wedding and to the women that several people claimed stopped your own marriage from actually working. Addison didn't hate Meredith, she never had, she had disliked her for a while but she had learnt over the past 6 months that life was too short.

About 6 months ago, she had been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, which had quickly spread to stage 4. She hadn't told anyone outside of LA, she didn't want Derek to worry about it since she was only planning on staying in Seattle for a couple of days. After mothers of treatment, Addison had decided to stop it. She knew that it wasn't working by the look on her doctor's face and she was sick of it in more ways than one. It was another thing why she was told that she was stupid because stopping the therapy was the worst thing that she could do but Addison knew that she just wanted to spend what time she had left having fun and not wasting time on the treatment. The part of having fun meant that she had married Kevin in a spur of a moment. They had been dating for 2 years and she knew that he was the one for her.

The trip to Seattle hadn't been all that great, Addison hadn't felt well most of the trip but she had managed to keep a smile against her lips. She had learnt that if you kept smiling, no one would pick up on anything which she thought was crap. Her lips were turning paler than they had in years and her skin looked a lot milkier than they had in her life. She had tried to hide it with decent foundation and lipstick but they didn't always work.

The day of the wedding had felt weird, she had felt weird but she had pushed the feeling to the back of her head. She always had good and bad days and it just felt like it was going to be one of the bad ones. She had gotten dressed in a light blue dress with Naomi had picked out for her before she had left LA. Kevin had come around to the fact that they were on limited time and spent a lot of the time spoiling her with new things.

"I have something for you." Addison turned around and looked at Kevin; her red hair had started to grow back in thin wisps which rested around chin level. At first, she had hated her short hair but she had started to like it since it meant that it didn't take forever to dry and it was better than having to wear wigs. Forcing a smile against her lips when she watched him pull out a velvet box from the bedside table. Addison had always loved surprises and she always looked like a little girl at Christmas. Taking the box from his hands, she carefully opened it and gasped at the jewellery set that was inside. It was a diamond necklace with matching earrings and necklace.

Smiling when he helped her put it on which looked perfect with the rest of her outfit. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he could see how tired she was, but he wasn't going to bring it up because she was adamant that she was going to turn up and prove to everyone that she had moved on. He kissed her cheek softly before wrapping his arms around her, he felt like he needed to take her in. He was scared that everyday he was going to wake up and she was going to be cold and not breathing.

"We're going to be late." Addison whispered against his ear, he could hear that just with the smallest sentence she was struggling to breathe. Pulling away from him, she pressed a soft kiss against his lips before pulling away and looking into his eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too." He whispered back before taking her hand in his own and walking them out of the hotel room. He didn't care if they were a bit late because he didn't want her to rush herself. He could tell that something was up by the grip that she had on his hand to the cab that they had called, he had also noticed the way that her eyelids kept fluttering closed. He was sure that he had never seen her so weak but he didn't want to say anything. He just made sure that he kept her as close to her as he possibly could.

When they got to the church, he carefully led her up the stairs and down the aisle to a spare seat. She could feel all the eyes on her; she knew that she didn't look that great since she had struggled to cover up the state of her eyes. She saw Derek, and gave him a weak smile before she felt her lips give way under her body but Kevin managed to grab hold of her before she hit the ground. They had all guessed that it had spread to her lungs because of how bad her breathing had been.

Looking up at Kevin, her eyes felt heavy as she felt it harder to breath, tears starting in her eyes. She promised herself that if she felt like she was going to die, she would fit and wouldn't cry but it was the hardest thing to do. What she didn't expect to see was Derek's face; he looked amazing, much like he had on the day that they had gotten married.

"Addie." He whispered and ran his hand against her cheek, she knew that she would always love him and Kevin understood that. She had told him that no matter what, she could never love anyone like she loved him but she had to get over it and she thought that she had. Until she felt his hand against her cheek and all the feelings came back to her.

"She has stage four cancer." She heard Kevin say as she felt Derek take her in his arms, holding her to his chest. She could feel even more eyes on them as tears rolled down her cheeks. She was struggling to keep her eyes open and all it felt like was a heavy sleep wanting to fall across her body.

"Addie, you have to look at me just for a few minutes." She fought, she had to listen to Derek, because she needed to tell him something but she couldn't find it in her to speak. It hurt too much to breathe never mind do anything else. "I love you, I always have and I hate that it's taken until now to admit it to myself but when I saw you again, you looked breath taking. You can't leave me now." He whispered before pressing a kiss against her forehead while a tear fell from his cheek to her own while her eyes slowly closed. A painful last breath leaving her lips as Derek broke down into the hardest sobs that he had ever felt leave his lips. It felt like a part of him had suddenly gone missing, but he knew deep down that it wasn't going to be filled by anyone in his life. "Say hi to my dad."

He felt his mother's hand against his shoulder almost like a comfort that didn't help but only made things worse. He wanted the one person that he couldn't have because she wasn't his own, she wasn't anyone. He felt like he could still feel her which was the worst thing because he knew that he couldn't touch her. The only contact he had to her was holding her body and he would have to let go.

He was sure that he could feel arms around him but she knew that they weren't real. They were cloud or feather like, but he couldn't tell. He could smell that stupid perfume that always filled up the trailer with one spray against her skin. "I'm always here." He looked down at the body, just checking that she hadn't come back around and it wasn't just some sick prank she was pulling on him. But it was her voice, he knew it because he had listened to it for over 14 years of his life and he had missed it for the past few years he had been without her. He didn't know how to go on without her, because even if they weren't together, he could manage knowing that she was still here. Except it was different and she had died in his arms, the love of his life had died in his arms and he had to live with that for the rest of his empty life.

Meredith watched the embrace from down the aisle, her eyes on Derek as she watched him cry over his ex-wife's body. She had this feeling deep down inside of her that she would never come above her. She had seen what they had been like before Addison had left for LA, they acted like they were still married but without the physical affection.

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?