Simple Things
Remus wanted a cup of tea desperately. He had for over an hour, but he still had no desire to move out of bed. It was warm and comfortable there, with Sirius draped over him. Remus's life had had too few times of contentment for him to take even a moment of it for granted. After six months with Sirius, Remus was still a little awed by the ease they felt with one another. Sirius was a man he shared not only a bed with, but
also love, history, and understanding. He could see half his life printed in the lines around Sirius's eyes.
They became close friends in first year and grew closer still once they each admitted their sexuality to themselves and their friends. They had been fortunate to have each other growing up. Coming up gay wasn't easy, no matter what, but it was easier with someone there to make you feel normal. Someone you could talk to about everything, from fears, fantasies, ridicule, family issues, and sexual questions, to which of the Chasers had the best arse.
Peter and James knew, and they were brilliantly, miraculously, wonderfully fine about it. Neither of them wanted to hear the details about the boys-- and later, the men--they were with, but both supported their friends. More than once, James found himself with someone's blood on his knuckles after the phrase 'bloody queer' had been thrown at one of them.
After they left school, it was natural for them to share a flat. Sirius was working for the Ministry, and Remus was researching for Byrne's Experimental Protections. Their day jobs were dangerous, stressful, and important to the war, but at night, they blew off steam. They danced, they drank, and they fucked their way through half of London. They were friends, brothers, partners in crime. But not lovers. Not even once. There was one small snog during fifth year, but it was caused by too much alcohol and not enough common sense. They laughed about it because it was funny, not because it was embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about.
They had both been too young to get in anything as heavy as *that* relationship would have been. They were just looking to have some fun, play about. Hell, the whole world was falling apart around them, and there was no way they wanted what Lily and James were making; there wasn't any room for it. Neither of them thought about love or forever when there was so little chance that they would live through the war. All they really could hope for was to enjoy themselves while they could. So they never slept together. If they did it just for fun, it would be awkward. If it were anything more than that... well, that wasn't an option for either of them.
After their reunion, things were different. The world had changed every bit as much as they had. And fun... well, their idea of fun had changed somewhere along the way. Now, the thought of having someone you could talk to and wake up next to and share everything in between with, well that sounded a hell of a lot better than having a different guy suck your cock every night.
The London scene was a thing of the past. Their past, at least, even if some of the same clubs were still open and some of the same men were still there.
Now, they were together. And it was *right* just as it would have been wrong fifteen years earlier. They were ready for it, and Remus couldn't help but think that, even back then, some part of him knew that it would turn out this way. That once they were ready for 'forever,' it would have to be the two of them.
From his current vantage point, with Sirius's breath on his chest and their legs tangled together, it seemed perfectly obvious that this was where they were meant to end up. And neither of them could be happier for it.
Well, he couldn't allow his lover to sleep all morning. It was December 17th, which meant that Harry would be arriving today. His first day with Sirius, his first time in their house...and the day they would tell him about *them.* Remus tried not to be nervous over it. He and Sirius had talked about it and decided that they would tell Harry right off. They hadn't lied about their sexuality when they were in school and likely to get their arses kicked for it (which happened a time or two), and they sure as hell weren't about to lie to Harry. Remus just hoped that it wouldn't be too much of a shock. But there was nothing he could do, and it was past time for Sirius to get up.
He moved his hand from Sirius's shoulder to his hair, running his fingers through it to brush it back from his face, slowly pulling it up and away from the scalp. It was something Padfoot had always liked, and Remus had always liked to do it. The fact that Sirius enjoyed it and that Remus liked it even more with a human to pet was one of the brilliant discoveries of the last few months.
"Sirius."
His fingers moved from the tip of his small widow's peak to the very ends of the hair, pulling it out straight and seeing every grey stand in the morning sunlight.
"Come on, Sirius, it's almost time to leave for the station. Even if you get up right now, we'll only have time to take some toast and tea with us."
Sirius finally opened his eyes, and his head moved into the stroking hand. "If I don't bother to shower, can we stay like this for another ten minutes?" He turned and gave Remus's collarbone a lick.
"That's it, out of bed." Remus pushed Sirius off of him and got up. "Another ten minutes, and Harry will be at the train station for hours," he said on the way to the bathroom.
Sirius sat up to ogle Remus's arse as he walked across the room. "Waiting builds character, you know." He smiled, and reluctantly got out of bed. He found that yesterday's jeans were still clean enough, grabbed a jumper from Remus's drawer, and followed Remus to the bathroom, but only to brush his teeth.
Twenty minutes later, they were waiting in front of King's Cross Station. They made it there a bit early, and the train was more than a bit late. Remus was thankful that Padfoot could only give him reproachful looks for insisting against an early morning shag, otherwise Remus was certain he would have had to hear about it nonstop for the hour they stood there.
Waiting outside was a cold and miserable experience, but still far better than running into any of Remus's former students and their parents would have been. Remus and Padfoot couldn't even wait in the warmth of the car for fear of missing Harry and his not being able to find them.
That worry proved unneeded. One would have to be blind to miss the hoard of Weasleys coming through the door, and where Ron was, so was Harry.
Before Harry even had a chance to look for his godfather, a hundred pounds of happy canine bounded through the Weasleys, almost knocking one of the twins to the ground, and began nuzzling Harry's hand, barking like an overjoyed puppy and generally making a spectacle of himself.
Even as pale and thin as Harry was, as distraught as Dumbledore warned them he had been, Sirius's affection and delight were enough to bring a brilliant smile to his face. Remus was glad to see it, knowing how much it meant for both Sirius and Harry to be together.
Remus made his way over a little slower, greeting Molly and Arthur before turning to Harry, who was now kneeling on the pavement, ruffling Padfoot's hair. "Hello, Harry."
"Hello, Professor Lupin." He looked up at Remus but didn't stand or take his hands off the dog.
"Remus, please." And with that Remus was awarded a smile all his own.
The trip back to the house was kept light with stories of Remus's failed cooking attempts and Ron and Hermione's awkward flirtations. Once they arrived, Remus took Harry's case and Hedwig's cage, and Sirius crushed Harry in a long-delayed hug. Remus could see that Harry hadn't been expecting such a display of affection, but after a moment he gave himself over to it happily. He needed it.
The three of them, luggage in hand, made their way to the second floor and Harry's room. Sirius opened the door with a flourish and presented the room to Harry as though it were a grand suite. Remus smiled at Sirius's nervous dramatics. The room looked like what it was: a storage room. They had cleaned it out as best they could, but there were still boxes in one corner, and Harry would only have use of about half the closet. Sirius had used the room for the first few weeks he stayed with Remus, but not long enough for it to acquire any personal touches.
Sirius ushered them in, talking the whole time. "This is your room. I hope it's all right. The bathroom is across the hall, and our room is the at the far end. We figured you would be a little tired after the train ride--I know how long it takes to get here from Hogwarts. So if you want to take a nap, that's fine; we'll wake you in time for dinner. I do the cooking, but you can help if you'd like, probably for the best, as you're still growing and all..." Sirius was babbling, not something he normally did when nervous. He was terrified.
Remus anxiously looked to see if Harry had noticed the one significant part of what was said: 'our room.' Judging from his slack jaw and the way he kept blinking, Remus knew he had caught on.
Sirius's ramblings finally stopped. He looked to Harry with a mix of hopeful anticipation and blatant dread clear on his face. What he saw in Harry's face banished the hope.
Harry looked around, obviously taking in the disuse of the room, and he knew Sirius wasn't just sleeping in Remus's room because they had a guest. He took an almost unconscious half-step backwards, looking at the men before him in a way Remus knew far too well. It was an expression Remus had seen too many times in his life, the same look Ron had worn in the shack when Hermione announced that Remus was a werewolf. It was a look that Remus knew would break Sirius's heart.
Harry didn't ask any questions, didn't give them a chance to explain. Not that Remus knew what there was to explain, for it seemed obvious that he understood what was going on. Harry just turned and left the room. The sound of the stairs creaking under his feet was followed by the thud of the kitchen door closing before Remus turned to look at Sirius.
Sirius's expression was not what Remus had anticipated. There was hurt and sadness, but also disappointment. Remus could see that he had expected more from James' son. Sirius hardly knew Harry and had based all of his assumptions, all of his affection, on the image of James at fifteen. It was too easy to do, looking at Harry, and Sirius hadn't taken into account that the Dursleys had raised Harry.
Remus could guess what was going through the boy's mind. He probably only knew of gay men through the bigoted tales Petunia, Lily's wretched sister, undoubtedly told. Stories of pederasts and abductions. He couldn't imagine that Harry thought them that way, but as his only reference, it would be in his mind. The home Harry thought he had finally come to had just become another threat, a danger, not the comfort or safety he needed so desperately. Another betrayal for a boy who had seen too many of them.
Remus felt Sirius's hand on his shoulder and realized he'd been staring for far too long. He could imagine the worry on his face. Remus reached up and took Sirius's hand in his. "We'll talk to him."
Sirius managed half a smile. "Yeah, we've both had these conversations before. It can't be worse than telling my mother. At least Harry didn't start screaming." Sirius kept hold of Remus's hand as they walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Maybe they could still hope for Harry to accept it, if he was never truly supportive.
Harry was seated at the table, a glass of pumpkin juice in front of him. Remus was suddenly glad he had thought to buy it for him. He looked up, noticed their joined hands, and turned back to his juice. Remus left Sirius's side and put on a kettle for tea. He heard a chair scrape against the floor and hoped that it was Sirius sitting, not Harry leaving.
Remus turned back; Sirius was seated across from Harry. That, at least, was a relief. He took a seat just as Sirius began talking.
"We wanted you to know straight off. I've never been one for hiding, not something like this, anyway. We had hoped you would be all right with it."
Harry cut him off. "You never hid it. You mean my parents knew?" He looked shocked, as though the possibility hadn't occurred to him.
"James was the first person to know. I told him when I was fifteen; as soon as I knew I was gay, so did he." Sirius smiled a little, and Remus felt himself relaxing as well. The memory of how easy it always was to talk to James was a comforting one, especially when sitting across the table from his disbelieving son.
Remus could see that this news shocked Harry, but it didn't change his attitude. He just looked as though another thing he believed in was shaken. Remus hoped that with time and exposure, his opinion would change. But he could see that it wouldn't happen in one afternoon, no matter what Sirius said. Sirius may have realized this as well, or he may have just given up, but he didn't press Harry any further.
Remus had to try something to make Harry realize his world hadn't fallen apart again. "This doesn't change anything, Harry. We're still here for you, we still care about you, this is still your home. Nothing has changed. You just know more than you did a few minutes ago. That's all. Sirius and I are the same as we ever were". Remus could see that none of this was getting through, none of it was making a difference in the set of Harry's shoulders, stiff and awkward, uncomfortable. Harry still wasn't meeting either man's eyes.
Sirius's voice, when he spoke again, was quiet, resigned. "Well, if you want to take a nap, there's still plenty of time before dinner."
Harry took the chance to leave the kitchen entirely too quickly for it to seem like anything other than his running away. He said his thank you's and goodbyes, but he was out of the room in a heartbeat. Still polite, but not warm.
Sirius and Remus sat there for another minute before either of them spoke. It was finally Remus who asked, "Would you like to lie down for a while? It's been a long day already." He couldn't imagine that either of them would sleep, but he wanted to be out of the kitchen, back in bed.
Sirius accepted, and the two of them made their way back up the stairs, past Harry's room, and into their room. Remus was amazed that only a few hours ago he had been in that very bed, excited and only a little nervous about Harry's arrival. Now it seemed that the contentment he and Sirius had shared there would be the undoing of their relationship with the boy they both wanted so much to help.
Once they had undressed, pulled back the covers, and climbed into bed, Remus felt Sirius relax into his arms. They were back where things were simple, things were right. Harry may become accustomed to them, may lose his fear, but Remus doubted he would ever again share the warmth and affection that he had shown Sirius that morning.
As Sirius wrapped his arms around him, Remus felt the comfort of the early morning return. No matter what Harry thought of them, they would be there for him, they would care for him out of love for his parents if nothing else, and they would do it together. Remus knew these simple things as facts, indisputable and undeniable. In these truths, as in Sirius's arms, he found contentment.
Remus wanted a cup of tea desperately. He had for over an hour, but he still had no desire to move out of bed. It was warm and comfortable there, with Sirius draped over him. Remus's life had had too few times of contentment for him to take even a moment of it for granted. After six months with Sirius, Remus was still a little awed by the ease they felt with one another. Sirius was a man he shared not only a bed with, but
also love, history, and understanding. He could see half his life printed in the lines around Sirius's eyes.
They became close friends in first year and grew closer still once they each admitted their sexuality to themselves and their friends. They had been fortunate to have each other growing up. Coming up gay wasn't easy, no matter what, but it was easier with someone there to make you feel normal. Someone you could talk to about everything, from fears, fantasies, ridicule, family issues, and sexual questions, to which of the Chasers had the best arse.
Peter and James knew, and they were brilliantly, miraculously, wonderfully fine about it. Neither of them wanted to hear the details about the boys-- and later, the men--they were with, but both supported their friends. More than once, James found himself with someone's blood on his knuckles after the phrase 'bloody queer' had been thrown at one of them.
After they left school, it was natural for them to share a flat. Sirius was working for the Ministry, and Remus was researching for Byrne's Experimental Protections. Their day jobs were dangerous, stressful, and important to the war, but at night, they blew off steam. They danced, they drank, and they fucked their way through half of London. They were friends, brothers, partners in crime. But not lovers. Not even once. There was one small snog during fifth year, but it was caused by too much alcohol and not enough common sense. They laughed about it because it was funny, not because it was embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about.
They had both been too young to get in anything as heavy as *that* relationship would have been. They were just looking to have some fun, play about. Hell, the whole world was falling apart around them, and there was no way they wanted what Lily and James were making; there wasn't any room for it. Neither of them thought about love or forever when there was so little chance that they would live through the war. All they really could hope for was to enjoy themselves while they could. So they never slept together. If they did it just for fun, it would be awkward. If it were anything more than that... well, that wasn't an option for either of them.
After their reunion, things were different. The world had changed every bit as much as they had. And fun... well, their idea of fun had changed somewhere along the way. Now, the thought of having someone you could talk to and wake up next to and share everything in between with, well that sounded a hell of a lot better than having a different guy suck your cock every night.
The London scene was a thing of the past. Their past, at least, even if some of the same clubs were still open and some of the same men were still there.
Now, they were together. And it was *right* just as it would have been wrong fifteen years earlier. They were ready for it, and Remus couldn't help but think that, even back then, some part of him knew that it would turn out this way. That once they were ready for 'forever,' it would have to be the two of them.
From his current vantage point, with Sirius's breath on his chest and their legs tangled together, it seemed perfectly obvious that this was where they were meant to end up. And neither of them could be happier for it.
Well, he couldn't allow his lover to sleep all morning. It was December 17th, which meant that Harry would be arriving today. His first day with Sirius, his first time in their house...and the day they would tell him about *them.* Remus tried not to be nervous over it. He and Sirius had talked about it and decided that they would tell Harry right off. They hadn't lied about their sexuality when they were in school and likely to get their arses kicked for it (which happened a time or two), and they sure as hell weren't about to lie to Harry. Remus just hoped that it wouldn't be too much of a shock. But there was nothing he could do, and it was past time for Sirius to get up.
He moved his hand from Sirius's shoulder to his hair, running his fingers through it to brush it back from his face, slowly pulling it up and away from the scalp. It was something Padfoot had always liked, and Remus had always liked to do it. The fact that Sirius enjoyed it and that Remus liked it even more with a human to pet was one of the brilliant discoveries of the last few months.
"Sirius."
His fingers moved from the tip of his small widow's peak to the very ends of the hair, pulling it out straight and seeing every grey stand in the morning sunlight.
"Come on, Sirius, it's almost time to leave for the station. Even if you get up right now, we'll only have time to take some toast and tea with us."
Sirius finally opened his eyes, and his head moved into the stroking hand. "If I don't bother to shower, can we stay like this for another ten minutes?" He turned and gave Remus's collarbone a lick.
"That's it, out of bed." Remus pushed Sirius off of him and got up. "Another ten minutes, and Harry will be at the train station for hours," he said on the way to the bathroom.
Sirius sat up to ogle Remus's arse as he walked across the room. "Waiting builds character, you know." He smiled, and reluctantly got out of bed. He found that yesterday's jeans were still clean enough, grabbed a jumper from Remus's drawer, and followed Remus to the bathroom, but only to brush his teeth.
Twenty minutes later, they were waiting in front of King's Cross Station. They made it there a bit early, and the train was more than a bit late. Remus was thankful that Padfoot could only give him reproachful looks for insisting against an early morning shag, otherwise Remus was certain he would have had to hear about it nonstop for the hour they stood there.
Waiting outside was a cold and miserable experience, but still far better than running into any of Remus's former students and their parents would have been. Remus and Padfoot couldn't even wait in the warmth of the car for fear of missing Harry and his not being able to find them.
That worry proved unneeded. One would have to be blind to miss the hoard of Weasleys coming through the door, and where Ron was, so was Harry.
Before Harry even had a chance to look for his godfather, a hundred pounds of happy canine bounded through the Weasleys, almost knocking one of the twins to the ground, and began nuzzling Harry's hand, barking like an overjoyed puppy and generally making a spectacle of himself.
Even as pale and thin as Harry was, as distraught as Dumbledore warned them he had been, Sirius's affection and delight were enough to bring a brilliant smile to his face. Remus was glad to see it, knowing how much it meant for both Sirius and Harry to be together.
Remus made his way over a little slower, greeting Molly and Arthur before turning to Harry, who was now kneeling on the pavement, ruffling Padfoot's hair. "Hello, Harry."
"Hello, Professor Lupin." He looked up at Remus but didn't stand or take his hands off the dog.
"Remus, please." And with that Remus was awarded a smile all his own.
The trip back to the house was kept light with stories of Remus's failed cooking attempts and Ron and Hermione's awkward flirtations. Once they arrived, Remus took Harry's case and Hedwig's cage, and Sirius crushed Harry in a long-delayed hug. Remus could see that Harry hadn't been expecting such a display of affection, but after a moment he gave himself over to it happily. He needed it.
The three of them, luggage in hand, made their way to the second floor and Harry's room. Sirius opened the door with a flourish and presented the room to Harry as though it were a grand suite. Remus smiled at Sirius's nervous dramatics. The room looked like what it was: a storage room. They had cleaned it out as best they could, but there were still boxes in one corner, and Harry would only have use of about half the closet. Sirius had used the room for the first few weeks he stayed with Remus, but not long enough for it to acquire any personal touches.
Sirius ushered them in, talking the whole time. "This is your room. I hope it's all right. The bathroom is across the hall, and our room is the at the far end. We figured you would be a little tired after the train ride--I know how long it takes to get here from Hogwarts. So if you want to take a nap, that's fine; we'll wake you in time for dinner. I do the cooking, but you can help if you'd like, probably for the best, as you're still growing and all..." Sirius was babbling, not something he normally did when nervous. He was terrified.
Remus anxiously looked to see if Harry had noticed the one significant part of what was said: 'our room.' Judging from his slack jaw and the way he kept blinking, Remus knew he had caught on.
Sirius's ramblings finally stopped. He looked to Harry with a mix of hopeful anticipation and blatant dread clear on his face. What he saw in Harry's face banished the hope.
Harry looked around, obviously taking in the disuse of the room, and he knew Sirius wasn't just sleeping in Remus's room because they had a guest. He took an almost unconscious half-step backwards, looking at the men before him in a way Remus knew far too well. It was an expression Remus had seen too many times in his life, the same look Ron had worn in the shack when Hermione announced that Remus was a werewolf. It was a look that Remus knew would break Sirius's heart.
Harry didn't ask any questions, didn't give them a chance to explain. Not that Remus knew what there was to explain, for it seemed obvious that he understood what was going on. Harry just turned and left the room. The sound of the stairs creaking under his feet was followed by the thud of the kitchen door closing before Remus turned to look at Sirius.
Sirius's expression was not what Remus had anticipated. There was hurt and sadness, but also disappointment. Remus could see that he had expected more from James' son. Sirius hardly knew Harry and had based all of his assumptions, all of his affection, on the image of James at fifteen. It was too easy to do, looking at Harry, and Sirius hadn't taken into account that the Dursleys had raised Harry.
Remus could guess what was going through the boy's mind. He probably only knew of gay men through the bigoted tales Petunia, Lily's wretched sister, undoubtedly told. Stories of pederasts and abductions. He couldn't imagine that Harry thought them that way, but as his only reference, it would be in his mind. The home Harry thought he had finally come to had just become another threat, a danger, not the comfort or safety he needed so desperately. Another betrayal for a boy who had seen too many of them.
Remus felt Sirius's hand on his shoulder and realized he'd been staring for far too long. He could imagine the worry on his face. Remus reached up and took Sirius's hand in his. "We'll talk to him."
Sirius managed half a smile. "Yeah, we've both had these conversations before. It can't be worse than telling my mother. At least Harry didn't start screaming." Sirius kept hold of Remus's hand as they walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Maybe they could still hope for Harry to accept it, if he was never truly supportive.
Harry was seated at the table, a glass of pumpkin juice in front of him. Remus was suddenly glad he had thought to buy it for him. He looked up, noticed their joined hands, and turned back to his juice. Remus left Sirius's side and put on a kettle for tea. He heard a chair scrape against the floor and hoped that it was Sirius sitting, not Harry leaving.
Remus turned back; Sirius was seated across from Harry. That, at least, was a relief. He took a seat just as Sirius began talking.
"We wanted you to know straight off. I've never been one for hiding, not something like this, anyway. We had hoped you would be all right with it."
Harry cut him off. "You never hid it. You mean my parents knew?" He looked shocked, as though the possibility hadn't occurred to him.
"James was the first person to know. I told him when I was fifteen; as soon as I knew I was gay, so did he." Sirius smiled a little, and Remus felt himself relaxing as well. The memory of how easy it always was to talk to James was a comforting one, especially when sitting across the table from his disbelieving son.
Remus could see that this news shocked Harry, but it didn't change his attitude. He just looked as though another thing he believed in was shaken. Remus hoped that with time and exposure, his opinion would change. But he could see that it wouldn't happen in one afternoon, no matter what Sirius said. Sirius may have realized this as well, or he may have just given up, but he didn't press Harry any further.
Remus had to try something to make Harry realize his world hadn't fallen apart again. "This doesn't change anything, Harry. We're still here for you, we still care about you, this is still your home. Nothing has changed. You just know more than you did a few minutes ago. That's all. Sirius and I are the same as we ever were". Remus could see that none of this was getting through, none of it was making a difference in the set of Harry's shoulders, stiff and awkward, uncomfortable. Harry still wasn't meeting either man's eyes.
Sirius's voice, when he spoke again, was quiet, resigned. "Well, if you want to take a nap, there's still plenty of time before dinner."
Harry took the chance to leave the kitchen entirely too quickly for it to seem like anything other than his running away. He said his thank you's and goodbyes, but he was out of the room in a heartbeat. Still polite, but not warm.
Sirius and Remus sat there for another minute before either of them spoke. It was finally Remus who asked, "Would you like to lie down for a while? It's been a long day already." He couldn't imagine that either of them would sleep, but he wanted to be out of the kitchen, back in bed.
Sirius accepted, and the two of them made their way back up the stairs, past Harry's room, and into their room. Remus was amazed that only a few hours ago he had been in that very bed, excited and only a little nervous about Harry's arrival. Now it seemed that the contentment he and Sirius had shared there would be the undoing of their relationship with the boy they both wanted so much to help.
Once they had undressed, pulled back the covers, and climbed into bed, Remus felt Sirius relax into his arms. They were back where things were simple, things were right. Harry may become accustomed to them, may lose his fear, but Remus doubted he would ever again share the warmth and affection that he had shown Sirius that morning.
As Sirius wrapped his arms around him, Remus felt the comfort of the early morning return. No matter what Harry thought of them, they would be there for him, they would care for him out of love for his parents if nothing else, and they would do it together. Remus knew these simple things as facts, indisputable and undeniable. In these truths, as in Sirius's arms, he found contentment.