day one: call me a Criminal
Four Walls
I am used to solitude
Used to four walls
Imprisonment
Has held me for so long
Eight years
Broken by months of freedom
Only to taunt me
To say
This is not for you
Liberty Equality
Foundations of democracy
Voice Choice
Unpredictable
Like me
Here is the predictable
Follow orders
Keep
To
Yourself
Simple
Maybe that's all I needed
Yavin
The praxeum
Learning in action
Not
For
Me
Brother
If not for me, my brother
The one who held my hand after every nightmare
The one who tolerated the tagalong toddler
Would be alive
Would be flesh, a stormtrooper
A job
Not chosen
But conscripted
But Zeth
Zeth the boy I see
Each time I step before the mirror
Zeth
Alive
Instead
Dying
I see his face before me
Stunned
Unable to make sense of the action unfolding
Taught to follow, not to question
I see him for only a moment and he's gone
Gone with the planet known as Carida
Gone
Ashes
In
The
Galaxy
Gone
Was it a million?
A billion?
Does it matter? Gone and the guilt…
…and the wound that refuses to mend
Table Manners
Chew with your mouth closed
Use your fork
Say thank you say please
A mother's words echo in my cell as
I chew on my afternoon meal
Better than Kessel's
Nothing like home
Second Day
At Yavin I sat high in a tree and watched as greater beasts ate smaller ones
And that was the way of things
Nature's selection
Nameless birds
Zone in on their prey
The flitnat
Pesky insect
Stung
As I sat in that tree
The birds only doing what nature intends
Taking only what they need
Taking for need
Is there anything wrong with that
We do not call them murderers
Savages
Evil
They are just hungry
Needy
Empty
I encouraged the birds
"Here, tasty, filling"
They circled
Emboldened by my promises
Found
Dinner
Nourishment
My mother would bake sweet smelling rolls
To wash down with cold blue milk
We'd sit at the table and talk about my day at school
The feelings of others
The Force unnamed, but she understood
Fear named one child
Loss named another
There was glee and the unbound joy of childhood
And my mother, in her tender way reminded me that I had feelings too
"What made you smile today, tell me what was good"
Focused on sorting
The grays from the yellows
[mostly gray]
My mouth, stuffed with cotton
My heart filled with sadness, stammers
Me? Sometimes I am empty
Her hands busy and nimble
Stop to take mine
You're special little one
Her touch calm and soft surrounding mine
These hands will do great things
Her hands, a tingle of strength
She knew my emotions, intimately
Listening, with the wisdom and a promise
There would always be plenty
When we had our love
The New Guard
Steps into the cell
Tall and muscled
His blue eyes search me
So I face the wall
He's one of so many
Hired to protect the galaxy
His commands go unanswered
His anger, a tingle down my spine
The wall is interesting, gray, certain
I do not have to search for any variation here
Predator or prey?
Who's who today?
He doesn't see me smile amused by my rhyme
Another order is heat upon my back
A flitnat of sorts
Pesky
Hard to ignore
Insignificant
The prod of the stun baton
Reminds me
Who is in charge
And that being the flitnat is
A matter of perspective
The prod of the stun baton
Lowers me to the floor
Squashed
Size matters not
Right?
Tell that to the flitnat
School Lessons
I learned to read when I was four
I'm not joking
I'm not a fool
By the time I arrived
At Deyer's primary school
I was ready
For the next class
And so they let me go
Even then an outcast
"how come he's not like his brother?"
Stung
I thought I showed them everything Zeth had taught me
I followed every rule
Answered every question
Did every assignment
Still the outcast
At Yavin the story repeated itself again
Even adults get jealous
Not fair
I only wanted to learn
Be the best Jedi
Make Han proud
And maybe some of it was for me
A glass snake made a cozy home in Tionne's cupboard
I found it, poised to strike
Dispatched it with the Force
She cried over it's death
Not even a thank you
The looks
I know them
How can they be jealous of me?
I've nothing they'd ever want
I'd trade my life for any other any day
Yavin
Patience
Tionne sings the Joy of the Jedi
The others, genuine excitement
For me?
The pace was too slow
The work was too easy
They were jealous
They were happy to see me go
Despised for being me
The glass snake is scary but harmless
Its strike paralyzing only briefly
Like a quick zap of Force lightning
But there are snakes like the condacara
Beautiful and silent
Their venom irreversible
Like a long course of Force lightning
Forking tendrils bringing forth immeasurable pain
Lessons are taught outside the classroom
I've learned the greatest lesson of all
Trust no one
If I am lucky
Daala will find Yavin
And they'll feel the strike of the condacara
If this is how we age I don't want to grow up
Arter Stelum
Psychiatrist
Never thought he'd have to
Analyze
A hollow soul
Who did he wrong to end up with me
End of his career?
Retirement?
How does a head get so bald?
What cruel hoax does nature pull on the males
He types away at his datapad
His hands are dry
Flimsi skin pulled tight over boney knuckles
I wonder
And realize the words have come form my mouth
Because he answers
"No, I have never been in a fight, have you?"
An exchange?
No, just a stray string of syllables
He types away
"So Kyp
Want to tell me about your brother?"
Rodder
I'd stand and pace if not for the shackles
And likely he knows I'm his captive
The glass snake strikes
This time, I'm not there to protect, but to encourage
That which is nature's selection
Right hand trembles, clenched in a fist
Anguished cry
Left hand clenches his right, no doubt numb
Guards gather
Innocent face
Looks like this session is over
Later in my bed
I wonder, what is this feeling inside?
I'm beyond guilt
This was my civic duty
But something clawing, gnawing, digging its talons into my flesh keeps at me
Guilt
…but the guilt is not for the millions…or the billions, but for the failure
That I am
That I always will be
For not finding him, saving him,
In time
Dead.
Not just Zeth, but me
I Dream
I dreamed I killed my brother. Not with the superweapon but with my hands
I saved him, whisked him from the planet as its primary exploded
Only to kill him
He attacked me with a knife, tried to stop me from my mission
I had no choice
We fought
He tried to stop me
His duty, but I had mine
Strong hands around my throat were no match for the dark side
I awoke
Just a dream or was it
Dead
Is still dead, no matter how it is accomplished.
Han Visits
It is hard to look at him
His face is worn, tired, because of me
It's his own fault really
For thinking he could save me
The darkside had me way before we met
It started the day my parents died
And every injustice became a brick to build a wall
A wall thicker than my cell
Dammit Han leave me alone!
You have no right to care for me
Go on with your life
He doesn't move, doesn't even respond
If I could walk away from him I could
Instead I stand in the corner like some errant child
He rambles on about me, the laws, Leia
How they're trying to help me
But I ignore him
He'll learn eventually I'm not worth saving
Better to have left me at Kessel
Old
I used to have this dream
Of floating, or flying
I'd soar far over the oceans of Deyer
I'd never tire
Never need to seek land
Lord over the sea
Now, that memory
Leaves me cold
I have flown over oceans and planets
Cast my judgment
A burden not given to the weak