Warning:
This is my first Hikago fic, so ppl, be nice.
This is going to be a really angst. Hikaru's going to be a bit OOC here, with being all masochistic and stuff.
Rated for attempt suicide.
Hope you guys like it!
Disclaimer: I don't own Hikago, though I sincerely wish I did.
Chapter 1 - Numb
It gnawed at him at him from the depths of his heart.
It tore him apart from the pits of his mind.
The sourness and anguish screamed at him, deafened him, dragging him into the nadir of his own consciousness.
It pierced him, a knife in the chest, but he let the blade thrust in further, allowed himself bleed.
Because I deserved it.
The lights flickered out; he was abandoned in the utter darkness, and yet he didn't stop the darkness from consuming him, swallowing him whole.
Because I was wrong.
The agony scarred him, drawing blood from his flesh, his bone. It stabbed at him repeatedly, until he was reduced to the state in which he could no longer stand up again.
But he never resisted. He permitted the pain to dominate him, his actions, his thoughts. He tolerated the torment in which he had given himself.
He put himself in chains, eternally leashed to the horrible truth that he had driven his best friend away.
I'm sorry…
It was like a ravenous dog, tearing away his insides bit by bit with its sharp fangs, a slow and painful torture that would probably last forever.
…I'm sorry!
He cried. He was not ashamed to admit it. He let the tears did whatever he heart could not. It was his only way of releasing his grief.
Come back!
He wondered if he was losing his mind.
SAI…!
A light breeze twirled amidst the falling sakura petals, a ballet in the sea of delicate pink snowflakes, leaving behind a silvery trail of tranquility and coolness. The cherry blossoms were exceptionally beautiful today, yet even the loveliness and magnificence of the world could not titivate the dull and weary green orbs in which it was reflected upon.
It was with such heaviness in the heart and lassitude in the mind that Shindou Hikaru reached forward and shut the windows of his room, pressing down on the handle with his weight as he secured the locks. He was most surprised to find his hands shaking, whether from fear or uncertainty, he did not know. After all the time he had spent battling with his inner self, arguing back and forth before finally reaching the fateful decision, he had expected himself to be determined enough to finish this without a doubt.
The sharp edge of the window frame grazed the back of his hand, resulting to a glaring white scar thin as thread. He paid it no mind, though. It did hurt, of course, a twinge on the skin…
…or did it? He was numb to pain, after all. He couldn't feel it anymore. He was no longer sensitive to any hurting, both physical and spiritual. He could no longer understand the anguish that his mother was suffering from when he had refused to talk to her. He could no longer comprehend the sting and the soft cry that escaped Akari's lips when she had pricked herself with a sharp needle during the home economics lesson.
He had turned himself off, shut himself away from the human race, so no more would hurt him, so none could ever hurt him again…
To him, there were no words to describe the utter insignificance of a little scratch at the back of his hand.
Taking in just once more the sakura trees that lined the street outside the glass, he pulled down his curtains, shutting out the world, shutting out everything.
Shutting out the beauty that he would have to leave behind.
He turned to the components of his that were scattered messily on the wooden floor. They seemed to sneer at him, mocking his hesitation and nervousness, taking advantage of his weakness. He was slightly conscious of his sweating palm and his deep breaths his lungs were drawing into his body. Perhaps it was absurd to suggest that duct tape, barbecue charcoal, a grill and a chimney starter could possibly cause a person to feel insecure, but here he was, his doubt rising by second.
Resentment swept across him when he remembered that Sai had always been the one to wash away his reservations; He was his one and only support.
Sai…for a split of a second, the image of his lost friend flashed in front of his eyes. Hikaru tensed, tasted the sourness on his tongue, but the compassionate violet eyes and calm, comforting smile went as sudden as it had come, faded as if it had never been there.
He was alone.
All alone.
Always has been, always will be.
Not anymore.
A small smile tugged at the edges of his mouth.
Fist clenched, a sudden wave a determination, the boy stepped towards the fate he had prepared for himself.
I'm coming.
Shindou Mitsuko was at a loss of what to do.
She wondered, hands gripping the sides of her apron so tightly that her fingernails dug into her flesh despite the cloth, whether she knew her son anymore.
Hikaru was no longer the boy she had once known. His change was so abrupt that, so sudden, that none was ready for it. It was like watching a movie in the cinema, when you weren't allowed to replay a certain scene because you failed to catch what the actor had said, no matter how important the words contribute to the plot.
If you missed it, you missed it.
And Mitsuko blamed herself for letting such a vital clue to elude from her grasp.
She deduced that, from the confusion and agony that clouded her son's eyes, Hikaru had lost his cheeky, happy-go-lucky self in a tragedy. Though she had no evidence to prove her point, her motherly instincts told her as much, and only this much she was certain of.
Yet she was only sorry that it was a tragedy that even she knew nothing about.
Mitsuko remembered the time when she never worried about Hikaru's happiness; the boy was simply made of bliss and delight. Radiance had literally poured off him as Mitsuko watched her son, with those warm, loving eyes that all loving mothers have, laugh, play, and run towards a brilliant future.
She had named him Hikaru for his brilliant burning flame that was mirrored in his bright green eyes the moment he was born. Mitsuko watched him grow, watched the fire in his heart burn brighter and more vivid. By four years-old, Hikaru's soul was shining like the stars in the sky. By ten, he was the sun.
Hikaru never cried. Never. Weak, he called it, girly, and he was amazingly stubborn about it. He never shed a tear when he scraped his knee. He never let the salty wetness escape his eyes all those times he was bullied and beaten up by the bigger guys at school. He refused to let the moistness dominate his vision even when his favourite Aunt Sonoko died in the car accident a few years back.
And yet, just a few nights ago, Mitsuko could have sworn that she heard Hikaru's sobs muffled against his pillow.
Sure enough, when she went to dust Hikaru's room the next morning after the boy had left for school, the pillow was wet.
The heart-wrenching cries of her son were forever raw and painful to her ears.
To be completely honest with herself, Mitsuko was terrified in her son's change of behavior. She feared the lack of enthusiasm and intensity of the light in Hikaru's once shining eyes and that missing passion that the boy once had for life. She missed fervently his smiles and laughter that was once heard almost every day in the past.
And Mitsuko blamed go for it.
It did not take a genius to recognize that the miraculous transformation that had taken place in Hikaru had started ever since he had taken up go. She was shocked by her son's obsession towards the game, when Hikaru had been labeled a lively soccer geek for the many previous years.
At first Mitsuko did not think too much of it, believing it to be the work of her go-passionate father-in-law, Heihachi. Her concerns grew as time passed, though, when Hikaru asked to join the insei program, and eventually the pro exam. True, while go had brought her boy the peace of the mind and modeled Hikaru into a slightly quieter child who could actually sit still for once, Mitsuko couldn't help but notice that it simultaneously (and very much sneakily) took away the merriness and innocence that made up the Hikaru she knew.
She had every reason to be worried about the impacts of go on Hikaru, now that he was forfeiting his matches.
Mitsuko grieved for her son, whose pain, she somehow knew, was far greater than hers.
A glance at the clock told her that it was teatime. She carried her promised tray of steaming tea and cookies upstairs to Hikaru's room – a usual routine.
Sometimes, Mitsuko was aware with much bitterness and misery, she just didn't know if she could face her son anymore.
She knocked on Hikaru's door twice, and waited for a response. She dared not enter without his permission, mostly because she felt as if she was invading his privacy. Mitsuko was conscious of the veil that had separated her from Hikaru ever since he started shutting himself in his room whenever he got back from school. He did not even eat dinner at the table anymore, but carried it into his room each night and leaving it outside his door when he was finished.
Hikaru has become a stranger in the house.
Patiently, Mitsuko willed his answer of "come in!", just to hear his voice, to assure her of his existence.
But it never came.
Apprehension rising by the second, Mitsuko put the tray aside and knocked louder on her son's bedroom door.
"Hikaru? Hikaru? I've brought your tea."
Within moments, she found herself hammering against the wooden door and shouting angrily at her son, something she hasn't done for years.
"HIKARU!" She hollered, "Open up right now!"
When there was still no answer, Mitsuko tried the door, feeling only slightly guilty for barging in. That was when she found out that the door could not be opened.
Five minutes later, Mitsuko, fearful and panicked, was running back to her house with her neighbour, Kudou-san, following close behind. Having tried to knock down Hikaru's door but failing miserably, she had sought for help and returned with somebody thankfully larger and stronger than she was. Together, they brought the stubborn door down with a crash.
Thick smoke instantly rushed gushed out from the doorway, choking the two of them and stinging their eyes. Coughing and panting, they tried to fan the grey smog away with their hands, looking for the source despite the blurred visions.
A scream could be heard throughout the Shindou household and Mitsuko fell to the floor in a dead faint.
So...how was that? Like it? Hate it?
Please, please review! :D