If I Bury My Heart Deep Enough, I'll Never Have to Hurt Again

By: Nicole Lopez

Disclaimer: I have no connection with the actual production, casting, script-writing, etc of the actual show otherwise I would make Lauren's character interesting!

Author's Note: FYI, this is the third story I've started from this first chapter, but I've tweaked it a little. Check out The Truth Is for the other versions and tell me what you think once you're done. No more branches off from this chapter.

It takes too much to feel anything, to let the crazy obscure happenings of life actually get into you and make you want to crumble to your knees in complete despair and to render yourself as useless in your own life. This was exactly why Amy Juergens preferred not to let emotions get the best of her.

What would be in the point in letting them break her down? She'd already relinquished real emotion to controlled facial expressions that left many people to wonder if she were a robot or a real person. She had already been to be point where she crawled into a ball because there was nothing else that she could do, but lean onto something for strength and pray to dear God that this wasn't how it was going to end, that there was a reason for all of this.

That's why Amy went to church religiously and … Maybe that's why other people went as well. It made their lives make sense, even if it really didn't change anything at all. Amy now found herself going to appease her Nana, who had recently moved in, and try to bring some sense of normalcy to her life, but the problem was that now nothing could ever be 'normal' again.

Perhaps getting pregnant at her delicate age, fifteen, was a symbol, a staple for our times where the line between childhood and adulthood resulted in young drug addicts and mothers who were not yet able to vote. Never in her life had Amy thought she'd be a statistic, that during her first venture into doing something wild and crazy or … fun as everyone else would call it, she would end up carrying and nurturing a life that was so needy and so dependent on her.

As scary as it once sounded to her, Amy had already taken her life by the reigns and made some choices that probably the most mature adult couldn't make. Speaking of which, she really had to get this thing down. Here she was, married to Ben Boykevich and she couldn't even spell her new last name correctly. After three failed attempts, she walked down the hallway over to the next room to ask Ben for his help, again.

Without bothering to knock, Amy pushed open the door only to see Ben doubled over, face red and tear-stained from minutes, possibly hours of pure depression. She rushed to his side, fighting to keep herself from getting too involved. That would truly be an ugly thing.

"What is it?" Amy neared her newbie husband, starting to reach out to him, but choosing instead that standing dangerously close would count well enough as an actual embrace.

"Do you even need to ask?" Ben stood up and wiped away his tears, ashamed. He didn't understand how Amy could be so calm about everything that happened. She walked into the room, not a second of surprise crossing her face and now she was here just to keep up appearances. That's what it felt like. She was like this huge egg, impenetrable egg, but inside all there was was a soft, malleable substance that couldn't stand still for even a second. It needed something like a bowl or a cup to prevent it from dissolving into pure nothingness.

Ben sat at the foot of his bed, thinking about what this marriage was supposed to mean and how it came to mean something so very different. Now he was beginning to see why some people said fifteen was too young to—he silenced the thought. Marrying Amy Juergens was the best decision of his life. She was young, beautiful, thoughtful, and just going through a hard time …

After she asked him what was wrong, from the same spot in which she had been standing, Ben started to say nothing, but reevaluated the use of that lie in this environment.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"What are you talking about?" Amy took two calculated steps closer to him.

"Amy, honey, it's okay to talk about it and to think about it and to let it drive you crazy-"

"What's it?" She wondered, growing a little impatient. Sometimes she felt like she didn't get Ben at all anymore.

"Our baby. She's gone-" Ben started to exclaim dramatically.

"Oh. That." Amy retreated a step. "People lose kids. Life rains on us. It's no use crying. Something worse will happen tomorrow or the day after." She offered as Ben cringed at how soulless she sounded. Amy had suffered from a car crash, a crash caused by Ben who had been trying to take things into his own hands, to be a man, and make sure that she made her doctor's appointment.

"I guess it's different for you. You have no guilt in this because you weren't driving without a license. You weren't-" His voice started to break so Ben paused and started up again. "I can see the pure disgust in your mom's eyes and it makes me want to get out of this place. She hates me being here and I hate it here … being so close to the nursery and all."

"Are we done here?" Amy asked after a while, feeling the sensation to bow down to life start to rise. "It's late and we have the first day of school tomorrow."

"Yeah, honey … anything you want." Ben walked over to her and took her hands. "Good night." He kissed her softly, but only felt cold nothingness on the other side. Amy jumped backwards and headed for the door like a scared little rabbit.

Do you know what it feels like when everyone is watching you, staring at you like you're in a huge play and you dropped a line or something and they're just waiting for you to say those four or five words so that they can get on with their lives? That's what Monday morning back in high school was. It was early September, a little breezy but still nice outside.

Amy tried to do her best to keep her appearance crisp and sharp. She'd gotten rid of the long hair and sported a more sophisticated look that better represented who she had become. Madison and Lauren complimented her and made constant references to the miscarriage, which Amy tried hard to ignore.

If they thought they were going to get a Britney Spears moment out of her, then they were wrong. Breakdowns were for people who let emotions control them. She controlled her own emotions.

The entire day was still awkward, like being an animal on display in the circus where people walked in front of you and behind you all day long, peering over their books and through their locker mirrors, not even trying to be discreet about it.

A couple of new freshman came up to her and asked about it. Amy's response was a shrug and to simply walk away. She could see Grace Bauman's eyes following her around as well with her 'God save us' eyes. Amy bit her lip in return. She would say nothing.

The entire agonizing day seemed to take a week to complete itself, like the day that everyone found out she was pregnant. Amy had taken salvation somewhere where no one would ever expect to find me. High school, this place was filled with such bad memories that she—

"Hey." A sharp knock, on the glass window of the car she had been sitting in, jerked Amy back into reality. "What are you doing in my car?" Ricky Underwood's face peered before her. It was the look on his face, the reaching to hug her that caught Amy off guard and made her feel a little less stable than before.

"The door was open."

"What?"

"The door was open." Amy's voice shook a little as she stared at Ricky. It once disgusted her that he had been the first guy she'd had slept with. Ricky 'sleep with any girl, anywhere, anytime' Underwood. "I-I can leave if you want."

"No. I was just going to say … I never got to tell you this at the funeral-"

"Please. You don't have to." Amy promised as he cranked up the car.

"No, I do. I would've been a sucky father, I know that but I never meant for anything bad to happen to that baby Amy. It's just-" He stopped himself, cranked up the car and then drove away.

"Where are we going?" The answer came in the form of the local cemetery.

"You are not—"

"We have to go and see our little girl." Ricky opened the doors, took Amy's hand and led her through the wet, muddy grass. Cemeteries always gave her the creeps. The thought that you were walking on someone's dead body, a head or an arm, a face … it was disgusting to her. I was hoping to be cremated.

It wouldn't matter anyway. If she could have it her way, this life would be the end. Ben believed that Heaven was waiting for everyone. Amy had given up on the thought so to her … a dead body or dead ashes … it was still dead. But in hindsight, Amy should have cremated it too, to avoid the situation that was unfolding now.

"She's not here." Amy admitted.

"Yes she is."

"No, she isn't. Ben couldn't bear her being so far away so, we put her in my back yard. He visits her every day."

She hopped back into the car and Ricky drove her back to my house in silence. When his phone rang, he picked it up. It was Adrienne. There was a lot of yelling and cursing following by what sounded like phone sex maybe or maybe they were just saying words that I'd never heard of being used together.

"Take me to her." Ricky demanded, taking Amy's hand as she led him into the backyard. It was times like these when she wished they'd lived in a true suburban home where everyone's house was super close and 'yards' were impossible due to space limitations.

"There." Amy pointed from afar as she watched Ricky breakdown in front of her. Amy felt like I was in a really bad soap opera or this was a huge joke. Ha. Ha. Where was the camera crew? But no one showed up. Ricky came over to her, taking both of my hands and looking her in the eyes, which was … scary to say the least.

"Amy, I have something to tell you and … I hope that you'll be able to forgive me."

"I'm sure it's no big deal."

"That day … th-the car that you got into with Ben … the blue one-"

"I know the car."

"The reason why you had the crash was because of me. I got a buddy of mine to 'fix' the breaks when Ben drove s-so when you got into that crash-"

"Are you joking? Ben will kill you when he finds out." Amy crossed her arms over her chest, unwilling to give in.

"Amy, are you listening? The reason why our baby is dead is because of me. I did it, I ruined it … everything for you and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Amy repeated, feeling her exterior melt away. "You're sorry? I can't even look at Ben the same way, everyone's staring at me expecting me to shatter, and … you know what Ricky, ever since I met you life has been sucky. So why don't you just do me a favor and go away? For good. I mean it." Amy gave him a slight push and then turned away from the grave site. Problem evaded.

By the next day the school was bustling about something else. Amy was no longer under a magnifying glass, which suited her fine. Last night, Amy couldn't sleep and had tired eyes to prove it.

"Oh my God." Lauren ran over to her and hugged her tightly.

"We thought it was you." Madison added, hugging Amy as well.

"What was me?"

"You mean you don't know?" Lauren asked, exchanging a glance with Madison before continuing. "There was a suicide attempt. There were rumors that it was you, but no one's telling us who it is."

"I know who it is." Amy whispered, running from the two girls and into the parking lot. Amy searched around for his car. It was red, an abnormal red. It stood out. It had to … Ricky was missing.

Amy didn't know why it came as a shock to her when she discovered, but she had to get someone to take her to his house and to see… Lauren was the only one who had a car and even though Amy didn't know how to drive, Lauren let her borrow it.

She saw the look of desperation on her friend's face and for once, their friendship became more than just gossip. Amy ran to the parking lot, thankful that she didn't have to back out of the space since she could barely stop her body from shaking.

It got worse. Amy had no reason to be there, she really didn't but when she saw the police tape everywhere it all made sense. She had done this.

She'd told Ricky to go away, and he'd done it but … for good this time.

Going to the hospital was no use. No non-family visitors were allowed. Amy wasn't even able to get a peak and they wouldn't even confirm if it was Ricky in there or not, but she knew it was. Deep in cell of her heart, she could feel that it was Ricky.

A small, but shrill yell escaped her mouth as she thought about what he'd done. Ricky didn't do things quietly. He was bold and brash and there would certainly be tons of blood.

Amy backed out of the hospital, not even realizing that someone had been watching her the entire time, someone who could feel her pain, someone was drawn to it and wanted to make it stop.

Safe back in Lauren's car, Amy found no solace. Everything started to spin. There was so much blood. Blood, blood … Amy couldn't take it. She stopped the car in the middle of the street, just blocks from her house, and ran and ran until she got back home. She didn't stop. Not once.

She had to erase the memory before it flared up. Amy had to get home and take the medicine. She had to get my hands on it … Her pulse slowed when her house came into view. By then the damage had been done. Amy remembered it all. The blood. Ben's body pinned inside the car, her cracked forehead bleeding but it was nothing compared to the blood coming from the bottom half of her body. It was coming from the place where the baby would have been, had it lived…

There was a puddle and it kept getting bigger and bigger. Amy screamed and kept screaming … she didn't know what else to do.

"No!" Amy yelled, running to the backyard, the memories of the past catching up with her and turning her into someone Amy had tried hard not to be. "It can't be … y-you can't be." Amy whispered, trying to hold the ground, but deeming it useless. She needed to see her little girl. She needed to see what she would have looked like if she had made it.

Without shedding more than a few tears, Amy starting digging. Her nails cracked and broke off, her fingers bled, scratched up by the rocks and pieces of wood that surrounded the grave. When they put her into the ground, she hadn't looked. She couldn't look. Amy never got to hold her, but now … she would get to.

But Amy was weak. She couldn't even open the coffin. She just sat there, her on her left side, her to my right, crying over everything that I had denied myself of earlier. She curled my body around the coffin that held hers imagining myself playing in her hair and saying their final goodbye. At that moment Amy surrendered to her weakness, her humanness, her emotions and let life win. For then and there, she had no idea what the future would be or if she even would have one.

(A/N: I revamped this and tried to make it from a general point of view instead of just Amy's. This is my 3rd attempt to take the story from this point to another. The others are listed under "The Truth Is." This one feels more natural to write but I don't plan on making anymore spin-offs from this 1st chapter. And I so love reviews. The second chapter is already written too. Maybe I'll post it next week? –NL)

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