Another one has left again. Without so much as a goodbye, have a nice life, fuck off – nothing. Here one minute and gone the next. What is it about me that drives people away? I'm not one who has a lot of friends to begin with, but when I do open myself up to others, I inevitably end up hurt.

It started when I was 10, when my father walked out on me and my mother. Based on my knowledge of most of my classmates, when their parents separated they shared custody of the kids. Not me. My dad just tossed me to the side, like week-old meatloaf.

He never checked in on me. Never sent a birthday card. Never called. Just left me to take care of my sick mother, all alone. No one was there to help me when she was having one of her episodes and I had to calm her down, all while being slapped or scratched by her. No one made me dinners or packed my lunch for school. No one taught me how to be a man and do things like shaving. I had to figure it out on my own.

Then there was school. It wasn't easy finding friends considering I was the youngest kid in class every year by at least 4 years. I stayed to myself to avoid the jokes at my expense. It didn't matter anyway. I was at school to learn, not make friends.

I tried to keep the same mentality in college, but my roommate, Ethan, insisted on working his way into my heart. We became best friends and spent much of our time trying to one-up each other in everything we did. It seemed like for once, I finally understood what happiness felt like.

But, as usual, it didn't last. We decided to join the FBI together, the ultimate goal of the BAU in our sites. I thought the first day of training went brilliantly. I proved to be a pretty sorry profiler. I woke up to an empty bed and a note that simply stated "sorry." I haven't seen him since that day.

Once again, I tried not to make any friends and just focus on the task at hand, but when I joined the BAU, it wasn't long before they started to become my family. Derek Morgan teased me mercilessly. Honestly, sometimes it bordered on bullying, but I know in his heart he is just trying to break me out of my uptight shell. He truly would take a bullet for me. I believe that. It's the only reason his words don't hurt much.

Then there's J.J, Jennifer Jareau. I had such a crush on her. I even let Gideon and Morgan convince me to ask her out. That was humiliating. She clearly didn't see it as a date and had to gently break it to me when I showed up with flowers and chocolates. It probably would have been an awful evening if she hadn't been so cool about the misunderstanding. We wound up having a great time at the baseball game and our friendship grew stronger that day.

Aaron Hotchner and Jason Gideon quickly became surrogate fathers to me. I followed them both around like a puppy dog looking for praise. They were everything I had hoped to become someday. Strong and confident. I had the brilliance factor and yet still couldn't beat Gideon in a game of chess. It was baffling. To me, they were what I believed fathers should be. Though to be fair, Gideon did have a fall out with his son, Stephen, but they patched it up, so I won't hold that against him.

Finally, there was Elle Greenway. She was so kind to me. Whenever Morgan would go overboard with his teasing, she was there to defend me. I remember the day I failed my firearms exam, for the 5th time, and Morgan decided to deflate my self-esteem some more by giving me a rape whistle. I walked in the breakroom a few minutes later to find Elle slapping and scolding him for being, "such an insensitive asshole."

We didn't hang out much, but there was a strong connection between us. I truly found myself caring for her and to this day I will never forgive myself for not doing more to save her. I knew she was in trouble. I saw all the signs and I should have said something. I know everyone keeps telling me that I did the best I could, but did I? I do more for victims then I did for Elle.

Sure, I went to her and tried to get her to talk about it, but I should have gone to Hotch. I should have told him that she was going to do something stupid. Of course, I didn't think it would be murder, but I knew she wasn't healing well and yet, I stood back and watched her single-handedly destroy her career and possibly, her life.

So, here I am again. I've lost three important people in my life. Sure, that may not seem like a lot to you, but that's because you probably have a multitude of people in your life that you love and care for. Well, good for you, but that's not my life. I've had less than 10 people in my entire life that I've ever trusted and loved. For those of you that can do math, approximately 1/3 of the people I loved walked out on me.

Can you really blame me that I am afraid to let people in? I can already feel myself pulling back from the team. It's only a matter of time before they walk out on me too. They get offered a better job, they decide to have a family of their own that doesn't include me. Who knows? All I know is I'm tired of seeing people I love leave with no regards to how it makes me feel. I think it's better if I just stay to myself and stop opening my heart.

I'll keep to myself and this way I can never get hurt again. It won't matter if they leave. I'm not attached, so who cares? Right? Well, that sounded good in theory, but then Emily Prentiss joined the team and that entire idea went straight out the window along with my heart.