A/N: Okay, first of all. This is based looely on Carrie Underwood's "Just A Dream", which is a beautiful song. I literally had the idea for this fic like three years ago and then today I heard the song and I was like yes. That fic. I'm gonna write that, right now. And then this happened. I have to admit, though, I cried writing this, so consider yourself warned and let me know what you think!
Jenny Ryan was living a nightmare.
From the moment the three of them had shown up at her door-Esposito, Beckett, and Castle, this three-fourths of a team, hours after Kevin should've been home, she'd known.
All she'd had to do was open the door and she'd known. Without a doubt, without a word uttered by any of them, it had been so painfully obvious.
"Jenny." It had been Javi who spoke, Castle and Beckett standing silently behind him, all of them looking far too put-together, with their clean and unrumpled clothing and freshly scrubbed skin. Jenny couldn't help but imagine what they'd looked like before they had all showered.
"He's not coming home, is he?" she asked, her voice foreign to her own ears, sounding even to her as if it were coming from some far-off place where she didn't belong. Javi shook his head slowly.
"No," he said softly. "He's not."
Jenny just nodded, not knowing what to say to these people. These three people, who she'd known for a long time were pieces of Kevin's heart, just as she and Sarah Grace were. These people, who sometimes knew Kevin better than he knew who had known him before even she had. People who had been around when she gave him that awfultie for their two-week anniversary. She'd never expected him to actually wear the stupid thing,especialy not to work, but he had. People who had been there with bells on the day she'd married the love of her who had fought to bring him back to her and stood by her side the night she had given birth to their daughter. People who took his life into their hands every day, and who now carried his death with them,too.
"Jenny, if you need us to take Sarah Grace for a few days, we would be more than happy to," Castle offered, and Jenny found herself nodding.
"Okay," she replied. "Come inside." She stepped out of the doorway and they filed in one by one, Castle closing the door behind him.
"Hi, beautiful girl," Kate murmured. Sarah Grace Ryan, at eighteen months old, looked just like Jenny, all except for one thing. She'd gotten her Daddy's eyes, and those glittering baby blues stared back at Kate; Kevin's eyes. The same eyes that had gazed pleadingly at her in those last moments. When it was obvious that Ryan wouldn't make it, when there were mere minutes remaining in his life and they all knew he would spend them there, on the filthy pavement of an alley in New York City. When Javi had settled by his partner, cradling his head in his lap. When Kate had knelt on his right and Rick on his left, each of them holding one of his hands. When Castle had promised that Sarah Grace would be taken care of.
"All those nights working two jobs..." Rick had begun, "They'll count for something. I'll make sure she goes to college, Kevin, I promise." When Kate had fought back tears and said her final words to him.
"We'll all go see Jenny," she'd said. "We'll go together, just thethree of us. Stay however long we need to. She won't be alone, not ever."
When Javi had given up on holding back the tears and simply cried, tenderly pulling loose gravel from his partner's blond hair.
"You're the best partner I've ever had, Honeymilk. I promised you I'd be here till the wheels fall off, and I'm here. You're not alone. I'd take your place in a heartbeat, but I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. We'll take care of them, okay? Don't worry, Kev. We'll take care of evrything, you've got my word on just rest easy."
And then, when Kevin Ryan had managed to make eye contact with each one of them, through his pained blue eyes, he gathered his remaining strength and chosehis last words carefully,skipping the thank you's-they all knew he was grateful. His voice had been hoarse, but to those gathered around him in those last moments, it was completely audible.
"Roy and I will be waiting for you guys. Just don't get there too fast, yeah?"
And with a half-smile, the pain in his eyes cleared and his lashes fluttered over them for the last time.
Now, Kate gazed into those eyes again, on little Sarah Grace, bright with curiosity for the whole world before her, her entire life spread out in front of her.
"He loves you, Sarah Grace," Kate said as she held the little girl. "He loves you more than you will ever know. I know you won't remember him,but we'll make sure you hear all about Daddy when you get bigger. We'll tell you all the best stories and you will always know how much your Daddy adored you."
The sunshine was too bright that day, the grass too green. The sky too blue. The world just too bright. It was far too reminiscent of another day, with Kate and Javier in their dress blues, and Castle in all black, their fingers grasped around the handles that were attached to a casket draped with red white and blue fabric. The smell of freshly turned earth lingered in the air and loss hung heavily around them. Lanie was sitting off to the left with Jenny, holding Sarah Grace, who was wearing the purple lace dress Kate had put her in that morning, along with the ruffly white socks and patent leather shoes. The child was calm as Lanie held her, looking around and taking everything in through her pretty blue eyes. Jenny, dressed in a black dress with a lace overlay much like the one her daughter wore, stood stoically there in the front row, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. It was anyone's guess what was going through her head then, during that agonizing time. She stared atthe casket with an unreadable expression as Kate, Rick, Javi, and Captain Gates worked together to fold the flag. Javi took it from the others when it was folded, and stood still with his head down for a moment before he turned and handed it over to Jenny. Their eyes met and the new widow nodded, each of them understanding the other through this new bond without any need for words. Jenny held the flag close to her chest, never once bothering to swipe at the tears. She stood there as Javi spoke about her husband, words about how kind Kevin had been, how loyal and faithful and good. Words about their partnership and the consequential friendship, words about the bond they'd created.
And Jenny thought about that, too. About her bond with the man lying in the casket. She thought about how he would come home with roses for her sometimes, just because. How, barely a week before he had died, he'd come home carrying two bouquets. One red and one pink. He'd handed her the red ones with a shy smile and kissed her in that gentle way he did whenever he was being sweet. And then, he'd taken the bouquet of pink roses into the baby's room,and had carefully set them up in a vase on her dresser while Jenny watched from her spot leaning against the doorframe. He leaned over the rail of her crib, pressed his lips to his fingertips and then his fingertips to his daughter's forehead.
"i know you won't remember," he whispered. "I know you're not even aware of it now. But, I wanted to be the first man to buy you flowers. And whle we're at it, I better be the only man for a really, really long time, you got it? You're the Princess, and Daddy gets his chance to be your Prince Charming for a while first, okay?" He glanced over his shoulder at the roses and then back to the sleeping Sarah Grace. "They're pink roses," he said. "Pink for you and red for Mommy. Just because Daddy loves you." He smiled tenderly down at her. "You sleep tight, Princess,"he murmured, and then turned away. Jenny remembered thinking then that she couldn't wait to see Kevin walk Sarah Grace down the aisle someday.
The flowers were still sitting on Sarah Grace's dresser.
They put earplugs in the baby's ears before the last shots. Jenny passed the flag to Kate and took her daughter from Lanie. Castle had one arm around Kate and the other around Alexis. Javi draped his arm around Lanie, and both Evelyn Montgomery and Captain Gates stood with them, all of them surrounding Jenny and Sarah Grace Ryan, just as they'd promised Kevin, as the guns went off, firing smoke into the perfectly blue sky. At the sound, Jenny startled out of her trance and looked around. Realizing what was happening, Alexis reached out and took Sarah Grace as Jenny turned to Javier, allowing herself to break composure as her husband's partner held her.
"It's not a dream, Javi," she cried. "It's not a dream. He's gone."