This is something that been playing in my head for quite some time, and honestly something I would love to see on the show (but of course it will never happen). Huge shout out and thank you to my beautiful beta Mina for working her magic. I am not sure if this will be one-shot or two shot, yet.
Also, for those wondering I have not abandoned for other stories. I am just having major writers block at the moment but I will be going on a mini vacation out to Denver this weekend and I hope to find some inspiration. But I promise I have not abandoned them!
And as always, All rights to Law and Order: Special Victims Unit goes to Dick Wolf.
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I can't lie, you're on my mind
Stuck inside my head
I wanna feel your heart beat for me instead, yeah
I just die so much inside
Now that you're not there
I wanna feel your heart beat like yesterday
Maroon5
It was a chilly, grey Friday afternoon as she strode down the street. She shivered as she spotted the familiar lamp outside the door, anxious to get out of the infamous New York cold.
She pushed open the door and her shoulders seemed to relax on their own, the familiar scent of cinnamon apple filling her nostrils. She stepped inside, the heat enveloping her body and warding off the cold from outside.
She sat down on the burgundy couch, patiently waiting. To pass the time she took out her phone and scrolled through her photos. Most of them were of Noah, but there were a couple that she just couldn't erase. They were memories she wasn't ready to let go of, memories of a time when she was happy.
She couldn't help but pause on each picture, each one breaking her all over again. It had been over a year, and she was in a new relationship, but for some reason, she held on to these pictures.
She heard the sound of a door opening and looked up, watching as a teary-eyed blonde woman walked out, followed by Dr. Lindstrom.
"I'll see you same time next week, Elizabeth." He said, standing by the door and watching her as she walked away. He noticed Olivia on the couch and gave her a warm smile. "Hello, Olivia."
Olivia tucked her phone in her back pocket and stood up, eager for their session to begin. She was unsure how to greet the man who had seen her at her worst in their last session and managed to talk her through it.
"Hi, Dr. Lindstrom." She replied shyly, returning the smile.
The older gentlemen stepped to the side and held the door open for her. "Please, come in."
Olivia walked past him into a room that had become very familiar to her in the last few years. She remembered feeling surprised the first time she'd come into Dr. Lindstrom's office, because he had two chairs instead of the stereotypical couch for the patient to lay down on.
They both sat down, and Dr. Lindstrom immediately gave her an inquisitive look.
"So, Olivia, how have you been?" His voice was probing, but in a comforting way that always made Olivia want to open up to him.
She paused before answering, trying to gather her thoughts before she spoke. "I've been good. There's been a lot of stress at work, but I'm doing fine." She sighed, knowing if there was anyone she could be honest around, it was Dr. Lindstrom.
"Ah yes, the perks of being a Lieutenant." Olivia couldn't help but chuckle at the irony of his statement. "Now, tell me about your relationship. How's that going for you? It's been a while since we've talked about him. What has it been, a few months now?"
"Yes, almost a year."
Dr. Lindstrom beamed. "Congratulations." Olivia could tell by the happiness in his voice that he truly meant it.
"Thank you." She replied. She could tell from the change in Dr. Lindstrom's expression what was coming next. She looked away from him and to her feet, nervously anticipating what he would say next.
"It doesn't sound like you're happy."
"Ed is a great guy. He's smart, he's great with Noah, he's caring…"
"But?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.
Olivia took a deep breath before meeting his eyes again. "I just don't know if I love him. I care about him so much, I just…"
Lindstrom didn't let Olivia finish. "There is no doubt that you care about him. But, do you think that he might be nothing more than a security blanket? With everything that you've been through, it's completely understandable to want someone who will be there to protect you and Noah. It's not a bad thing, but I can see that only a part of you is with him. You can't force yourself to be with someone who doesn't make you truly happy." Lindstrom looked deeply into the brown eyes that stared back at him, and saw nothing but sadness. "You know who your heart truly belongs to."
Olivia closed her eyes as memories began to flood back into her. She remembered warm summer nights laying on the rooftop, gazing at the stars above them, not a care in the world. She could feel the soft touch of her arm, and the way their hands fit together perfectly despite the size difference. She remembered the overwhelming anxiety the moment before their lips touched, and how her lips sent chills down her spine where she planted soft kisses on her back.
And then she remembered the fights. The ones that turned into screaming matches, and led to days without speaking; and the ones that led to broken promises and broken trust.
After a moment she opened her eyes, a tear running down her cheek as she did. "When I was with her I was happy. I felt safe, and whole. But when she said those three words," Another tear ran down her cheek. "I panicked. I was scared, and I pushed her away. I was so cruel, but I had to convince myself that I didn't love her, that I couldn't love her. I told myself falling in love just wasn't something that I could do."
Lindstrom rested his elbows on his knees, leaning in closer and lowering his voice. "But she is still a part of your life. She never left."
Olivia felt a lump in her throat as more tears threatened to spill. "But what if I pushed her so far away that I lost her forever?" She whispered.
"Olivia, tell me what you're afraid of." Lindstrom asked.
Olivia's vision blurred as the tears fell freely down her face. "I didn't want to deal with being gay, and I still don't know if I can."
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